The End of Time Chapter One

This is the novel project I'm working on, and currently it's going well, although as it is I've planned...a whole thirty-six...chapters for the thing. That can't be right.

I feel a bit bad for posting this so close after deciding to post my finished Vicissitudes stories; I'll try to juggle between posting "The End of Time" and Vicissitudes. This project is currently more important to me...I know the chapters can get rather long; I'm debating whether to place the second part of this chapter in a separate topic or have it as a separate post.

Anyway, my point is, if you do review all of this (the entire chapter), I'll guarantee a review to anyone who asks. Quid pro quo, at its best.

The End of Time

Part One: The City

Chapter One: Nendo

Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him. It was a deep, clear shade of blue that reminded Nendo of the water in the Protector’s Fountain in the city square—or perhaps Nendo was only thinking of water because of the heat.

Midmorning in the city of Theratolia brought with it a wave of thick, dusty heat that caused the outlines of the mud-brick buildings around him to shimmer, and sent rivulets of sweat streaming down the back of his neck, staining his coppery skin with streaks of dirt. The heat would only get worse: By midday, anyone in the city who had a lick of sense would be clustered in the cool shade of their houses, napping the afternoon heat off until the desert evening fell. Perhaps that was why the people surging around Nendo were in such a hurry; they wanted to get their business done before afternoon.

“Nendo!” A familiar voice behind the boy caused him to tear his eyes from the sky and turn around. Another boy, around his age, was pushing his way through the people clogging the wide, dusty alley, offering apologies as he bumped into bodies. “Sorry—coming through—hey, Nendo! There you are.”

“Tey,” said Nendo, nodding in acknowledgment.

Tey ducked under the burly arm of a large man who threw several choice curses at the boy, who cheerfully ignored them. He stopped several steps away from Nendo, hands on his knees, panting in exertion. When he spoke, he sounded annoyed.

“What were you doing, just wandering off like that? I could have gotten lost, you know! Speaking of which, what are we doing here, anyway? Isn’t the riverside market better?”

“Are you serious?” said Nendo, letting irritation slip into his voice for the first time. He pointed at Tey’s shoulder—or rather, at the purplish bruise disfiguring the bare earth-toned skin. “Do you want to get into a fight with the dockworkers again? It’s better here. More out of the way.”

And not by the water, he thought, with a disgusted shudder. Nendo had never liked the river. Its water was dark, sluggish, reeking of rotting fish and riverweed. Who knew what dangers the river’s depths held? It just had…a presence Nendo could only describe as evil.

“I guess you’re right, Nendo,” said Tey, jerking his uninjured shoulder in a shrug. “The riverside is kind of dangerous.”

Nendo had been expecting Tey to agree with him: In the two boys’ ten years of friendship, Tey had never once disagreed with Nendo in a significant way. It was just in his nature—just looking at the boy, one could see he was more a follower than a leader, given the naiveté always shining in his wide green eyes and the childish roundness to his face. Tey was all softness, all boyish circles, in contrast to the sharper angles of Nendo’s face and build.

“So, found anything here?” Tey cast a glance around the marketplace, shaking dark brown curls out of his eyes. Though not as busy nor as loud as the riverside, this marketplace was still crowded with city folk on their daily business—women in colorful tunics, cradling infants in their brown arms; old men squatted in the meager shade beneath the sand-scoured apartments, playing dice; vendors fanning themselves beneath the striped silk awnings of their stalls. A cacophony of sounds washed over Nendo: Peddlers hawking their wares in high voices, market-women stridently arguing with the vendors, children crying.

The sights and sounds of the city. The sights and sounds of home.

“Not yet,” said Nendo. “I think there’s a bobel seller down that way…a few stalls behind the pottery seller. He’s an old man, nearly blind; this should be easy.”

“Yeah,” said Tey, an eager anticipation straightening his shoulders, causing his entire body to quiver. He glanced in the direction that Nendo had indicated, before meeting Nendo’s eyes, green into black.

Nendo nodded, once, and the two boys set off through the crowd.

They did not creep, or hug the edges of the marketplace, or cast furtive glances back and forth, like so many street children did when performing thefts. Nendo thought that skulking was just stupid—it made you stand out, made it easier for vendors and guards to see that you were up to no good. Nendo had never once skulked like a rat in all his years on the streets. He walked with his head held up, his strides steady and strong, straight through the middle of the bustling shoppers. He and Tey would look exactly like any one of the other market-goers. No one would suspect them.

He and Tey were walking several paces apart, letting other people into the space between them, blocking them from each other. After passing a gaggle of giggling young women, Nendo caught a glimpse of Tey’s distinct brown curls again. He moved closer, speaking out of the side of his mouth.
“I’ll distract him, you pick up two sticks. No more. Then we get out of here as fast as we can.”
A flicker of acknowledgment in Tey’s eyes, but there was something apprehensive to his expression. Nendo frowned inwardly, wondering what was bothering Tey—but then followed Tey’s line of vision to the line of stalls to their left.

Ah. A man, in the distinctive blue tunic of the Normal Quarter guards, was lounging by a weapons stall, a sword gleaming by his side. Nendo quickly tore his eyes away from the guard. He and Tey had had many run-ins with the guards before, none of them pleasant—the guards were quite vicious with the flats of their swords. Nendo didn’t much fancy ending up with bruises that wouldn’t fade for another month—

But all the same, he had to eat. The last time Nendo had a meal was yesterday morning, and that had only been a few crusts of bread. Already, he could feel the dull ache, tight as a hard first, in the pit of his stomach…but he shoved it back. Soon, he’d sate the quivering hunger.

“It’s all right,” he mumbled to Tey. “Just make sure he doesn’t see us. I’ll distract him, too.”

Tey nodded, before a particularly fat market-woman stepped between him and Nendo, blocking him from Nendo’s view. Nendo grit his teeth, but there was nothing he could do. Tey was on his own…

The bobel seller’s stall came into view—a tiny ramshackle stall underneath a discolored awning that might have once been blue, but was now a dingy gray. As he approached, a distinct scent of frying dough and sweet fruit filled Nendo’s nostrils, and the hunger in his stomach spiked. He ducked around a small boy forlornly scratching patterns into the sandy street, approaching the stalls’ left side, where a board painted with the seller’s prices perched.

Nendo took a deep breath, sucking in more of the hot, sweet, smells from the bobel stall. He could just picture his hands closing around a bobel stick, one of the most popular snack foods in Theratolia. For good reason, too; Nendo couldn’t imagine anything better than the balls of fried dough, four each impaled on a wooden skewer, and slathered in bubbling-hot fruit sauce. His stomach gave a grumble, and he automatically pressed his hand to his abdomen in a futile effort to silence it. Not that anyone could hear the sound of his stomach growling above the marketplace din…

The bobel sticks here weren’t too expensive, thought Nendo idly as he glanced at the price sign: Only one pend for a four-ball stick with kaza fruit sauce. Still, it was beyond Nendo’s means. The last time he’d held any pend in his hands at all had been at least two years ago, when a nobleman had paid Nendo and Tey generously for assisting him with his bags.

So he’d have to steal. It didn’t bother him, morally; it was just something he had to do to survive. What all street children did.

Nendo saw Tey on the stall’s other side, standing as innocuously as he could and pretending to be absorbed in the cracks on the dusty wall the stall was pushed against, although he snuck occasional glimpses at the bobels frying on the grill. The old vendor wasn’t paying the grill much attention at the moment—he was busy selling a package of bobel sticks to a pretty girl. Tey was twitching, twisting his fingers together to prevent them from impulsively reaching out and grabbing a couple of sticks that instant. He was nervous; Nendo understood. He knew that Tey had never gotten used to Nendo’s way of not sneaking like an insect. Unlike Nendo, Tey had lived on the streets longer, and had become accustomed to the way that most street children gangs worked, always scurrying and scampering like terrified mice.

Nendo wasn’t worried that Tey would fail, though. The two had done enough thefts together for Tey to become used to Nendo’s way of doing things, even if it bothered Tey. He could always trust Tey to do exactly what he said… Inhaling deeply, Nendo swept his eyes around the bustling marketplace, his mind racing for a suitable diversion, one that would draw the old man’s attention away from the grill…

The young woman stumbling away, laden with boxes of bobels, provided it. She, a slimly built girl, was already buckling under the weight of the boxes. In three strides, Nendo closed the distance between her and him, grabbing two boxes from the surprised woman and balancing them in one arm.

“You look like you’re having a bit of trouble,” he said, smiling confidently at her—while moving his eyebrows up and down in a surreptitious message to Tey. Just a few seconds longer…wait for it…

“Oh—well—thank you,” said the woman, sounding startled. Nendo continued to smile at her, trying to ignore the fresh pang the smell of the bobel sticks in the box incited in his stomach.

“Not a problem, madam,” he said. Then, he turned to the seller, who was watching them intently, and strode straight over to him, one hand indignantly on his hip, trying to present as aggressive an image as possible.

“Hey, what’s your problem, old man?” he demanded, pointing an accusing finger at the seller, who was blinking like a monkeybird at him.

“What? What d’you mean?” said the old man, straightening up as an indignant tone entered his voice. Then, glancing at the wide-eyed young woman, “What, you her boyfriend or something?”

“No,” said Nendo in irritation. “Just someone who remembers common courtesy. What were you thinking, making a delicate young lady carry all those boxes? If you’d had any sense at all, you would have offered to help her.”

“What—” the old man sputtered, his dark face rapidly turning an unpleasant purplish color. “You can’t be serious—I got a stall to take care of, can’t go ‘round doing heavy lifting for some girl—”

“Well, well, will you have a listen at that,” said Nendo unpleasantly—and loudly, to boot. Many passersby were stopping, staring at him and the bobel seller in curiosity. This was good; the more peoples’ attention he could fix on himself, the less attention there would be on Tey, Tey who was kneeling by the grill, watching Nendo in anticipation of a signal…

“Yeah, mister, you should help her,” piped up the little boy who’d been drawing in the sand. “My daddy says that men should help out ladies!”

“Aww, stuff it up your—” growled the old man, before focusing back on Nendo. “Look, I’m a busy man, I got a stall to run and money to make, I can’t be packhorse to every little girl what comes along.”

“I’m not asking you to be a packhorse,” snapped Nendo, “I’m asking you to be a man.”

A vein was twitching in the seller’s purplish temple. “What, you trying to say I ain’t a man?”

“A man,” said Nendo smoothly, “helps a lady with her burdens.”

But he wasn’t focusing on the seller nor the young woman behind him nor the curious people stopping to watch. He was focusing on Tey, his ever faithful Tey, and while he spoke to the man, he jerked one eyebrow up in a message to Tey—now.

A wide grin split Tey’s boyish face in half, and his hands shot out for two sticks drenched in green kaza fruit sauce. The seller, however, had interpreted Nendo’s eyebrow message as a challenge.
“All right, brat,” he said unpleasantly, jerking to a standing position.

Nendo sighed and shifted the two boxes to his other arm, wondering if he was going to have to fight an old man. He hadn’t planned for this, but if it kept the old man distracted, then…

“Um—sir—thank you for being so kind, but, um—” the young woman was stammering from behind Nendo.

Nendo ignored her, keeping his gaze level on the old man. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Tey was already gone; if he focused hard, he could make out a familiar mop of brown curls heading rapidly away from the marketplace—

Then, a deafening boom rang through the marketplace and the ground burst in a hail of stinging sand beneath Nendo’s feet.

He was aware of a great wave of heat, searing like fire, knocking him to the street and sending the boxes flying from his hands; aware of a numb ringing in his ears; aware of a great jolt of shock that seemed to course through the entire marketplace; aware of voices screaming around him…

Tey, Tey— was Nendo’s first panicked thought. Is Tey all right, is he—what happened, what happened?

He tried to get up, scrambling on his hands and knees and forcing down a rising sense of disorientation. But the next second he was flattened again, by a second boom, even louder than the first, and again the ground was torn from under him and he was falling, falling face-first until he slammed into something hard. The salty tang of blood filled his mouth, and pain began to blossom across his forehead.

He couldn’t think; there was no time to think. There was only the panic, tight as a knot in his chest, searing through his veins, jittering in his bones. He had no idea what had happened but didn’t care—all that mattered was people were screaming around him in pain and fear and there was a heat to his back—

Unable to pull himself to his feet, Nendo rolled over instead. For a moment the sky, incongruously blue and cheery, filled his vision, but then he craned his head forward, and saw—

Flames, crackling and roaring and eagerly swallowing the wooden remains of the bobel stall like kindling. The fire in front of him wasn’t the only one, either—all around the marketplace, fires blazed out of the remains of stalls, sending showers of sparks into the sky that fell back down to the earth to ignite more fires. The entire street in front of Nendo had been torn up—it was as if a giant fist beneath the ground had punched upwards, tearing the earth into crazy jagged pieces. People were scattered like dolls around the destroyed marketplace, some still screaming, others moaning feebly, a few not moving, lying pale-faced and still and bent at crazy angles, while dark liquid pooled around them…

And hanging above all the devastation was a pall of power, a power that shook in Nendo’s bones and blazed hot like fire and red like blood. He recognized it, instantly: Magic.

The blood ran cold in his veins. Magic? But why? Who would—who’d detonate a magic bomb in the street, why here, why—

He looked around wildly, seeing nothing but white-hot fires and injured—or worse—people. Tey. The name floated like a panicking bird in Nendo’s chest. Was Tey—was he one of the people lying spread-eagled and unmoving, drowning in his own blood, on the street? His breathing hitching, Nendo tried to focus on the horrible tableau spread before him, but his vision was beginning to blur at the edges and he couldn’t make out any distinct figures.

A sudden flare of heat by his foot drew Nendo’s attention back to his current predicament. A burst of sparks had ignited several pieces of wood only inches from his foot. He quickly drew back, only to bump against something hard; whirling around, Nendo saw with a flash of panic that a huge section of the bobel seller’s stall, stained with grease and still smelling of frying dough, was blocking his entire left side, immovable as a wall.

Crackling hot fires were hemming him in from the front, back and right side; the stall shrapnel remained stubbornly to his left side. Sour panic, like bile, rose in Nendo’s throat; he struggled to force it down, even as another shower of sparks landed dangerously close to his leg, igniting several more matchstick-like pieces of former stall.

Only one thing was clear in his panic-befogged mind: He was trapped.

He was going to die…

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Wow...looking back...I really dislike this. I feel like I spent too long setting everything up (especially the scene with the bobel seller and stuff) and got too rambling with my descriptions. The second half of the first chapter is so much better, but maybe that's because I introduce Masudo and he's one of my favorites.

Remember to review (I'll review back! ). Also [shameless plug alert] if you're interested, you can check out my novel journal for this story, for progress on the story [/shameless plug alert].

It'll get better, I swear. >_>

Hello! Looks like I'll be the first one to review.

Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him. It was a deep, clear shade of blue that reminded [s]Nendo[/s] him of the water in the Protector’s Fountain in the city square—or perhaps [s]Nendo[/s] he was only thinking of water because of the heat.

Too much repeating of his name.

Tey ducked under the burly arm of a large man who threw several choice curses at the boy, who cheerfully ignored them.

The two whos, used so close together and meaning different people is a little confusing. Try and reword the second who.

A flicker of acknowledgment in Tey’s eyes, but there was something apprehensive to his expression.

Hm. I'm not sure if this grammatically works, but even if it does, you probably should add a 'there was' at the beginning of the sentence. Then again, if you do that, you would probably have to cut out the second 'there was'.

Overall, it was good, and seemed extremely polished. Sorry I didn't have much to say, but the grammar was perfect, and the descriptions good. There were some times that you used a little too many elipses especially one...after...another...
Other than that, good job and good luck with the rest of the story.

Hello, I'm Soul, and I'll be your reviewer today! I've got a few suggestions, but overall it was very good and an interesting read! *Ahem* Anyway, on to my review!

Midmorning in the city of Theratolia brought with it a wave of thick, dusty heat that caused the outlines of the mud-brick buildings around him to shimmer, and sent rivulets of sweat streaming down the back of his neck, staining his coppery skin with streaks of dirt.

This sentence seems a little bit run-on to me. Maybe put in some periods, like: "Midmorning in the city of Theratolia brought with it a wave of thick, dusty heat that caused the outlines of the mud-brick buildings around him to shimmer. It sent rivulets of sweat streaming down the back of his neck, staining his coppery skin with streaks of dirt." Something like that anyway. It's your story, so feel free to do as you like. I'm only the annoying person who gives you suggestions!

Nendo grit his teeth, but there was nothing he could do.

Gritted, not grit.

A flicker of acknowledgment in Tey’s eyes, but there was something apprehensive to his expression.

Maybe instead of "something apprehensive to his expression", try substituting "in" in place of "to".

Other than that I'd say it's very good. I can't wait to find out what happens next! I liked the way you made the reader feel like they were in the story -- especially when you described the fried dough balls! That made me really want some! Anyway, good job and happy writing! I'll be back (hopefully) to review the rest of your chapters!

~SOUL~

Hi! Miss Summer Night here!

I really liked this piece. I think you should continue to write it.
The only part I'm confused about is Masudo? Who is Masudo?

Well other than that this is very good! Please PM me if you decide to continue this story.

Hey! I’m finally here! XD

Okay, let's get right to the story. ^_^

You did a really excellent job with characters, as ever—I really like your characterizations of Nendo and Tey. You made descriptions of their personalities work without seeming like telling—I like your bit about circles for Tey and angles for Nendo. I also think you did a really neat job giving a bit of personality and presence to the random crowd people, too—little details like the boy scratching pictures in the dirt and the bobel seller’s irritability really helped to make them seem more real, instead of just faceless parts of the setting.

I think you did well making us sympathize with and like your characters, too—I’m already worried for poor Tey and Nendo.

The big explosion near the end opens up all sorts of interesting possibilities and questions, and I think the plot looks like it’s headed off in a really interesting direction. (Though, obviously, to talk in detail about it, I’ll need to read more than this. XD) I do think that it felt a little abrupt, though? Maybe we should get a little more time to get to know Tey and Nendo before we end up in this dramatic scene. I dunno, it’s mostly a pacing issue, and I’ll have to read further into the story before I know if it’s even a problem or not. XD

A couple quick prose critiques:

Unlike Nendo, Tey had lived on the streets longer, and had become accustomed to the way that most street children gangs worked, always scurrying and scampering like terrified mice.

This sentence lost me for a second… I think “Tey had lived on the streets longer than Nendo, and…” might read more clearly.

The name floated like a panicking bird in Nendo’s chest.

This is a good simile, but I don’t really think of panicked birds as floating. You might want to pick a different verb.

Still, this is a great opening chapter, and I know you've got a lot of talent, so I look forward to more!

Well everyone else seems to have covered the nitpicks so i think i'll just comment on the plot instead. i like the way that whilst setting the scene it doesn't seem like an infodump because you're introducing us to your character at the same time. what you said about the description being to much Bickazer, i don't agree with that. i think you've got the balance just right. the ending is brilliant and leaves me wanting to know more. sorry this is so short but i couldn't think of anything wrong with it! Keep writing and please PM me when you have more!

Afeefah

Thanks for all the helpful reviews; I'm glad I'm not boring anyone to death or anything. >_>

I've decided to use one thread for each chapter; it'll be less messy this way. So without further ado, here's the second part of chapter one.

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Nendo’s breathing came faster, in sharp pants that never seemed to force enough air into his lungs. He began backing off, pressing his back against the wooden wall to his left even as splinters dug into his bare skin, even as he began to choke on the oily essence of smoke. Grimly, he realized that even if the fires didn’t burn him to death, the smoke was going to suffocate him.

Strange, he thought in a dull, unattached way, how he’d started the day wanting nothing more than a piping hot bobel stick to satisfy the aching in his belly, and ended the day about to die.

Strange, too, how the thought of his impending death didn’t frighten him. After all, it was inevitable—how would panicking stop it? His only thought, his only regret, was Tey, his best friend, where was Tey, what was he doing, was he dead, if he was it was all because of Nendo—

Nendo could no longer see beyond the walls of flame crackling on all sides around him, eagerly swallowing their dry wood kindling. Several sparks had ignited small fires on the huge chunk of wood behind him; Nendo jerked away with a startled cry when one of the fires seared his bare back. He rolled into a protective ball, adopting the only pose he thought had a vague chance of protecting him from the scorching flames hissing and shooting in the sky in front of him.

Another spray of sparks burst from the fire in front of him, heading straight toward his face—with a gasp Nendo reared back, but it was no use, already some of them had struck his shoulder with searing pinpricks, and soon others would land on his face, burning him—

But then the sparks stopped.

Nendo blinked, struggling to clear the blurring from the edges of his vision. He wondered, maybe, if he wasn’t hallucinating, just before he died…

Because what else could explain what he was seeing?

A cluster of white-hot sparks, trapped midair between his the fire and his face, still as the statue in the Protector’s Fountain. Nendo hauled himself to his knees, reaching out in trembling disbelief, and touched the sparks.

There was no heat, no bite like a white-hot needle. He traced the shape of one spark, caught mid-leap, resembling a piece of bleached oasis grass suspended motionless in the air. There was no feel to it, though. No form or substance; just air.

Trembling, barely daring to breathe, Nendo tore his eyes away from the sparks and turned his gaze on the fires—though he already knew what he’d see. After all, he no longer felt any heat…

The fires were frozen around him too, towering walls of static orange-red. Little red embers, still in the air, reminded Nendo of paint splatters on a blue canvas. Again, Nendo tentatively extended a hand towards the fire, and again, brushed only air.

What, thought Nendo, his panic winding to an even higher pitch, in the name of the Protector is going on?

He pulled himself to a standing position, so that he could see above the walls of fire. The entire marketplace was a similar scene: fires frozen mid-blaze, sparks suspended like twigs in the air. But the fires weren’t the only thing that had frozen—none of the people were moving, either. Some had been caught in mid-motion: Nendo saw the young woman he’d helped, buried under shattered wood and reaching a pleading hand towards the sky, while the boy who’d been doodling on the ground was frozen almost comically wide-eyed, his mouth locked in a huge “o” of surprise.

Nendo had the uncomfortable feeling that he was standing in a garden furnished with statues…if the scene of devastation before him could be called a “garden”.

A dull pounding had begun in his head—no, it hadn’t begun that instant; it had been with him ever since the fires had frozen around him and he just hadn’t noticed. Sick bile rose in his throat, but with great effort he forced it down.

He recognized the pounding, the ache, the nausea. He was sensing—magic. Powerful magic, magic that throbbed inside his skull, that pierced through his stomach. And if he strained—if he forced all of his focus into a thin line directly in front of him—he could see it. He could see thin lines of gold fire, so achingly bright they burned in his vision, spread across the entire scene, coming together in curls and intricate designs to form one massive circle—

But then a sound cut through Nendo’s concentration, destroying the circle that had in that brief instant shimmered in sight—the sound of footsteps.

Instantly, Nendo threw himself behind the shelter of the flames again. He didn’t know why; he just had a sudden, terrible feeling of wrongness. He should, he realized, be frozen like a statue, just as everyone else was. Whoever had performed this magic wanted that.

But who? Who’d performed the magic, and what kind of magic was it? Admittedly, Nendo’s experience with magic was limited, but he knew enough to know that he’d never seen magic like this before. What kind of magic could just…freeze…everything in place? Almost like it had—

Like it had stopped time.

Nendo’s breath caught in his throat, and he shoved back this line of thought. No, this wasn’t the time for pointless musings; he had to hide from the mage who had cast this spell. Whoever the mage was, he was dangerous. An enemy.

Nendo ducked lower, pressing his chin to the ground. Almost, he thought darkly, in the mockery of a bow…but he was distracted from these thoughts by a new sound that joined the footsteps, cutting through his fear-benumbed mind, a sound that he didn’t recognize at first. It took Nendo several seconds to realize that—

Someone was whistling.

The footsteps, the careless whistling, grew ever closer. Nendo wished he could see the approaching man, but forced that foolish wish aside. No, it was safer where he was… The man’s footsteps were heavy, ringing with surprising force against the torn ground; he was clearly large in build. A third sound joined the footsteps and the whistling: the sound, Nendo realized, of something—a staff?—clinking regularly against the ground.

Then, stopping several paces from where Nendo remained hidden behind the frozen fires, the man began to speak. For a wild moment, Nendo feared that the man was addressing him—but then, as his mind began to make sense of the man’s words, he realized that the stranger was speaking to no one, or perhaps just for his own amusement.

“Well, well,” said a rich, baritone voice, a voice that thrummed with power. “I didn’t expect it to be…this…successful. I’ve done quite well this time, if I do say so myself, of course.”

A swish of a cloak, the clink of the staff, and the man began walking again—heading ever closer to Nendo. Nendo shrunk back, even though he logically knew the man couldn’t see him.

“But what a scene,” said the man, and he chuckled. “Detonation magic, I’d guess…seems like Idach’s doing. Yes, this is just his style—big and loud and not terribly subtle. Were you trying to catch my attention, old friend?”

There was something about the way the man said old friend that caused the hairs on the back of Nendo’s neck to stand on end, and a cold shiver to run down his spine. He’d never heard anyone speak with such unmasked vitriol before—especially when speaking about their friends.

“But making me use my time magic, of all things, and in such a public place…clever move, old friend. Whatever shall I do?” A short, sardonic little laugh, that again caused Nendo to inexplicably shiver.

But the laugh didn’t affect Nendo nearly as much as the man’s words: Making me use my time magic…
It couldn’t be a mistake, Nendo thought in a distant, almost detached, way. Not after what the man had done, earlier…and it explained so much.

This man had to be a time mage.

The instant the thought floated into Nendo’s mind, he rebelled against it; it just wasn’t possible. Time mages, the mysterious and insular magic manipulators who could control the flow of time itself, were dead. They had all died in a plague some twelve years ago, a plague that had affected all segments of the population but had only killed time mages. This was common knowledge. They were dead.

Yet here was this man, with the ability to freeze people and fires still as statues, claiming to be a time mage himself…

Nendo moved before he could stop himself, his reeling-from-shock mind to slow to control his body. In a single motion, he drew himself up from his mock-bow, pausing only to pick up a piece of wood from the ground beside him (why, he didn’t know—as a weapon?) and ran straight through the frozen fire, bursting into the full sunlight of the marketplace and facing—

A man standing only paces from Nendo. The man was tall, and strongly built, the ascetic-like, cream-colored robes and brown cloak he was wearing straining to cover his powerful shoulders. His skin was very dark, like that of the people from the southern continent, almost ebony black, in dramatic contrast to the coin-silver of his close-cropped hair and neatly-trimmed beard. The man’s eyes were the same shade of silver, and currently wide from surprise.

Nendo was reminded, in that instant, of the surprise that had coursed through his own body at the realization that the man was a time mage. In that brief second, like a jolt of electricity, an understanding coursed through Nendo’s body. They were both equally astonished to see the other.

The moment was ruined, though, when Nendo saw the dark hand the man had clenched around his tall wooden staff tighten its grip. A light-headed apprehension settled through Nendo, though he didn’t know why.

“How,” said the man, finally finding his voice, “in the blazes are you not frozen?”

Nendo’s tongue was numb as a leaden weight, his heart slamming a violent staccato against his ribcage. He could only stand where he was, staring blankly at the man—the time mage—no words coming to him.

It was all right, though; the time mage continued to speak, his words coming in disbelieving spurts. “You…you are not frozen. But you—I made sure—this is a high-level spell. It should have stopped time for everyone in the marketplace. You should be as stiff, and unaware, as all your little urchin friends.”

Urchin friends…a sharp pang stabbed through Nendo’s heart, as he remembered Tey, who must be frozen like everyone else, if not worse…

“But you’re not. You are as alert as I am, as able to move…” the man continued, sweeping his silvery gaze up and down Nendo’s body, as if trying to find something special on the boy, that would excuse his not being affected. “You resisted it. My time magic. You resisted it.”

“I…er…ah…” stammered Nendo, when he managed to move the lead weight of his tongue again. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “You…you…what, you’ve got some questions to answer yourself, old man!”

The man cocked a silver eyebrow. Nendo flushed scarlet, his embarrassment running deep through his veins. How much more immature could he get…?

“What do you mean?” said the man, his tone outwardly light—but with a dangerous edge beneath.

“I mean—what you just did, here!” yelled Nendo, sweeping his arm towards the frozen tableau around him. “You stopped time! You—you’re a—”

He choked on the last words, unable to say them out loud, even if he was able to think them. It was just too…absurd.

“Yes, I did stop time,” said the man, in a tone like he was speaking to an idiot. “I won’t deny that.”

“Then—that—” Nendo was beginning to feel weak; weak from disbelief. He just couldn’t—understand—any of this. His knees shook, and it was all he could do from buckling. “But I thought your kind, your kind is all dead, how are you—”

Throughout all of Nendo’s senseless stuttering, the man was just standing there, his arms by his sides and watching Nendo with a curious intentness to his pale eyes. If possible, the man’s silent scrutiny only embarrassed Nendo more. He struggled for more words, but none came.

“Come with me.” Faster than Nendo though he could move, the man was in front of him. Nendo stared up, into the man’s dark face, meeting his bright silver eyes. Dimly, he registered that the man’s nose was somewhat crooked; perhaps he’d broken it once? But why was he even thinking about such random things, not when the man had wrapped a powerful hand around Nendo’s wrist and had begun dragging Nendo down the street…

“Wait! Hey!” Nendo sputtered, indignant. “Where are you taking me?”

“Oh, to a friend of mine…Lord Darian, of Miria? Have you heard of him?” said the man, his conversational tone a whiplash from the quietly surprised tone earlier. “He is a very good friend of mine, and the Traveler knows I owe him some favors…”

“Huh?” sputtered Nendo, trying—and failing—to yank his arm from the man’s powerful grasp.

“The Traveler,” said the man calmly, “is the Founder to whom we time mages owe our allegiance, just as battle mages follow the Protector and healing mages the Nurturer. And Lord Darian is the Sixth Count of Miria; he’s a very reclusive young man, rarely leaves his manor, so I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of him.”

“That’s not—that isn’t—” yelled Nendo, again tugging against the man’s pincer grip; the man just tightened his hold, and marched forward even more resolutely, causing Nendo, despise his long legs, to stumble in an effort to keep up. “I mean, why? Who the hell are you and why are you taking me?”

The man stopped suddenly, causing a startled Nendo to crash into his powerful chest. Nendo bounced backward, like he would from a wall. He stared up at the man, his mind swimming in confusion.

“Ah. That,” said the man, facing Nendo. “Well, how very rude of me. I am Lord Masudo, Fourth Count of Teral. And I’m taking you for one simple reason, my boy—”

Nendo gasped indignantly as the man patted him, hard, on the head, with enough force to cause Nendo’s knees to buckle. Smiling in an almost paternal manner, the man—Lord Masudo—said, “You can resist time magic.”

“What--?” Nendo was given no time to mull over the statement before Masudo started walking again, almost dragging Nendo off his feet from the speed of his strides. Nendo yelped as Masudo leapt over a hole torn into the ground, with the agility of a warrior. Which reminded Nendo of what had happened earlier—the bomb, time freezing, Tey—

Tey…

“Tey! I have to get back to him—” sputtered Nendo, tugging against Masudo’s iron grip. Masudo continued to stride resolutely forward. “Tey, I have to find him, I can’t just leave him damn it, Tey—”

“I’ve no clue what you’re saying at all, boy,” said Masudo, and, even more infuriatingly, he unleashed a condescending chuckle.

“My name is Nendo!” yelled Nendo, white-hot rage seizing his throat. “And Tey’s my best friend, you can’t just leave him here!”

“Oh?” said Masudo, not slowing down—in fact, Nendo could’ve sworn he picked up his pace. “But tell me, Nendo, can he resist time magic?”

“Well—I don’t—I s’pose not—”

“Then I don’t need him,” was Masudo’s swift judgment. Nendo tugged helplessly at Masudo’s swirling brown cloak, trying to get him to stop, to take Nendo back to the streets and his old life instead of taking him wherever the hell he was going…

“Where are you taking me?” he said, ashamed at how weak his words were coming out. “What’s going to happen to me?”

Masudo did not turn to face Nendo, but he slowed his strides, and when he spoke, his tone was almost—gentle. “You are going to Miria Manor…and you are to become a servant to Lord Darian of Miria, if I have my way, that is.”

“Why…?” said Nendo, and he condensed all of his confusion, all of his disorientation, his shock and anger and misery, everything that had happened in the past fifteen minutes, into that single word.

There was no reply, save another low chuckle from Masudo. Nendo slumped, letting his long dark hair fall into his eyes, a terrible crushing sense of disappointment—of loss—rising in his stomach. He did nothing to quash it. Because although he might have no idea what was going on…

He knew enough to know that he wasn’t going to be coming back. He was leaving behind the still-frozen, destroyed marketplace, leaving behind his old life as a street rat, leaving behind Tey.

Leaving it all behind, save, he realized with a jolt of surprise, the piece of wood still pressed tightly inside his fist. He closed his fingers even more tightly against it, feeling its surprising warmth, ignoring the pain as splinters dug into his fingers.

It, at the very least, was a reminder of the life he had lost only a moment ago.

--------------------

Gross...reading it over, I realize I don't even like this that much. >_> It's too confusing and abrupt, and showcases my bad habit of using five words when one will suffice. Please, pick this apart for word economy. Be ruthless. Show me every useless noun and verb so I can viciously slash them away. And please tell me if this is making sense or not...because so far I feel like it's veering more on the side of "or not".

Again, if any of you give in-depth reviews of the entire chapter, I'll be glad to return the favor. Just ask me and I'll review what you want me to look at. I'll try to review ASAP but I'm still working on this and I have to study for the SAT subject tests, so no guarantees.

Until the second chapter, then...which is a tad better, though not much since the chronology of that chapter is all screwed up. The only good bit about that chapter is the Masudo/Darian banter at the end. >_>

Hiya! Here as requested.

A familiar voice behind the boy caused him to tear his eyes from the sky and turn around. Another boy,

"Boy" is a bit repetitive here. Also, it can be a bit confusing since it's referring to a different person each time.

letting irritation slip into his voice for the first time.

"For the first time" is a bit misleading here. In the two years that he's known Tye, he's never let irritation slip into his voice before?

Who knew what dangers the river’s depths held? It just had…a presence Nendo could only describe as evil.

I find these lines are a bit to obvious in their foreshadowing. After reading those, I'm almost positive something bad is going to come out of the river later.

However, since that's hasn't shown up yet, you might be fine. I tend to spot foreshadowing, whether I'm right or not can be debated.

old men squatted in the meager shade beneath the sand-scoured apartments, playing dice;

I don't think you need this comma. It creates a pause unnecessarily.

He’s an old man, nearly blind; this should be easy.

In the scene with the old man, he didn't sound that blind. It read like he could see everything Nendo did. Like the eyebrow twitch.

green into black.

I find this description a bit hard to understand. I'd make "into" jut "to" or even "in" to make it clearer. ("To" is my choice, though)

They did not creep, or hug the edges of the marketplace, or cast furtive glances back and forth,

I'd delete the comma after "creep" (Maybe the comma after "marketplace" as well)

Not that anyone could hear the sound of his stomach growling above the marketplace din…

You ended another paragraph almost right above this one with an ellipse.

The bobel sticks here weren’t too expensive, thought Nendo idly as he glanced at the price sign: Only one pend for a four-ball stick with kaza fruit sauce.

This line makes me wonder what Nendo did before he ended up on the streets. I'm pretty sure it was rare for street kids to be able to read. ^_^ (That might be something to put in later, though. But we aren't really given any hint as to why Nendo is on the street. I'll point out the line that throws things off later)

So he’d have to steal. It didn’t bother him, morally; it was just something he had to do to survive. What all street children did.

~ I'm not fond of the "so" at the beginning of this.

~ The bit between the semicolon and the first period (italicized) I find a bit to much self-justification.

Unlike Nendo, Tey had lived on the streets longer, and had become accustomed to the way that most street children gangs worked, always scurrying and scampering like terrified mice.

This is the line that makes me think Nendo was something before he was on the streets, and it also leaves me wondering as to what he was.

Nendo wasn’t worried that Tey would fail, though. The two had done enough thefts together for Tey to become used to Nendo’s way of doing things, even if it bothered Tey. He could always trust Tey to do exactly what he said…

~ "Tey" is a bit repetitive here.

~ You use an ellipsis to end two ideas in this paragraph. It's slightly repetitive. I'd delete this one since the second one fits.

Nendo closed the distance between her and him,

"Her and him" can be replaced with "them."

“What? What d’you mean?” said the old man, straightening up as an indignant tone entered his voice. Then, glancing at the wide-eyed young woman, “What, you her boyfriend or something?”

[...]

The seller, however, had interpreted Nendo’s eyebrow message as a challenge.

(I have something to quote between these lines, but for now this represents the whole scene) In this whole exchange between Nendo and the seller, as I mentioned before, it looks like the seller can see everything. The eyebrow message being a big thing.

the less attention there would be on Tey, Tey who was kneeling by the grill, watching Nendo in anticipation of a signal…

"Tey" is used twice in two words around the comma.

was stammering from behind Nendo.

Nendo ignored her,

"Nendo" is a bit repetitive here. You can replace the second one with "he."

Tey, Tey— was Nendo’s first panicked thought. Is Tey all right, is he—what happened, what happened?

Here, you italicise thoughts, while I'm pretty sure before you hadn't. Italicise them all (and put them in present tense) for consistency.

But the next second he was flattened again, by a second boom

You can delete this comma.

again the ground was torn from under him and he was falling, falling face-first until he slammed into something hard. The salty tang of blood filled his mouth, and pain began to blossom across his forehead.

This description confuses me, I find. The use of "again" is mostly the cause. I don't remember him actually falling the first time.

there was no time to think.

I find this line is more suited to life-and-death situations involving a group. ^_^

Unable to pull himself to his feet,

This line is contradicted later on when he manages to get to his feet. At the moment, it makes readers think he can't get up at all, for reasons of injury/head trauma.

lying pale-faced and still and bent at crazy angles, while dark liquid pooled around them…

~ "And" is a bit repetitive here.

~ You've ended the past three paragraphs with cut offs like dashes and ellipses. Just to point out.

And hanging above all the devastation was a pall of power,

~ I find "and" at the beginning of this sentence breaks flow.

~ "Pall" should be "ball" ^_^

blazed hot like fire and red like blood. He recognized it, instantly: Magic.

The blood ran cold in his veins.

"Blood" is a bit repetitive here.

but his vision was beginning to blur at the edges and he couldn’t make out any distinct figures.

This makes me think he's about to pass out, when the rest of the scene indicates otherwise.

Nendo’s breathing came faster, in sharp pants that never seemed to force enough air into his lungs.

You can delete this comma.

He began backing off, pressing his back against the wooden wall to his left even as splinters dug into his bare skin, even as he began to choke on the oily essence of smoke.

This whole thing is one sentence. It's probably a good idea to break it up into smaller bites.

His only thought, his only regret, was Tey, his best friend, where was Tey, what was he doing, was he dead, if he was it was all because of Nendo—

You tend to repeat ideas in this line, which, even though it creates a rather dreamy mood, is hard to read.

[i]in the name of the Protector is going on?[i]

I'd add another "what" to the beginning here to make it look like he's even more shocked. ^_^

He recognized the pounding, the ache, the nausea. He was sensing—magic. Powerful magic, magic that throbbed inside his skull, that pierced through his stomach. And if he strained—if he forced all of his focus into a thin line directly in front of him—he could see it. He could see thin lines of gold fire, so achingly bright they burned in his vision, spread across the entire scene, coming together in curls and intricate designs to form one massive circle—

Another paragraph that makes me wonder what Nendo did before he was thrown onto the streets. Where had he sensed magic before?

Almost, he thought darkly, in the mockery of a bow…

Nice foreshadowing of the mage being a lord!

Then, stopping several paces from where Nendo remained hidden behind the frozen fires, the man began to speak.

How did Nendo know the man stopped several paces behind him if he never looked up?

This man had to be a time mage.

This line was said (or implied) in the man's dialogue. I found it repetitive.

Nendo moved before he could stop himself, his reeling-from-shock mind to slow to control his body. In a single motion, he drew himself up from his mock-bow, pausing only to pick up a piece of wood from the ground beside him (why, he didn’t know—as a weapon?) and ran straight through the frozen fire, bursting into the full sunlight of the marketplace and facing—

I don't like how he just moved. There is no real reason for it, and I, along with probably everybody else, is wondering why he's going out to face somebody when he's just spent a lot of time thinking about how this is wrong and evil.

Give an explanation, please. ^_^

A man standing only paces from Nendo.

~ You'd said he was just paces away before.

~ I'm not liking how so many paragraphs are continuations of past paragraphs. It looses its effect after awhile. And it gets repetitive.

“I mean—what you just did, here!” yelled Nendo, sweeping his arm towards the frozen tableau around him. “You stopped time! You—you’re a—”

The fact that Nendo can't grasp that this man is a time mage is getting a bit long without much explanation as to why.

around Nendo’s wrist and had begun dragging Nendo down the street…

"Nendo" is a bit repetitive here.

just tightened his hold, and marched

I'd delete this comma.

Who the hell are you and why are you taking me?”

"Hell" is actually a pretty Earth-bound term. Since it comes from Christianity, you need to spend some time explaining underworlds if you wanted to use it. Replacing that word is much easier.

into his powerful chest.

With the man dragging Nendo along, I would think Nendo would bump into his back, not his chest, correct?

sputtered Nendo,

You've used this organization for tags before, but here is where it really stands out. I don't like "said" (Or it's many synonyms) used before the name. I find it draws attention to both the name and the tag, which you really don't want.

“My name is Nendo!” yelled Nendo,

"Nendo" in the tag can be replaced with "he" since you just used his name in the dialogue.

He knew enough to know that he wasn’t going to be coming back. He was leaving behind the still-frozen, destroyed marketplace, leaving behind his old life as a street rat, leaving behind Tey.

I find these lines, mostly the street rat bit, somewhat strong. If you were to spend some more time on these ideas, individually, I think it would be better.

*

Characters: I found we were given a lot of information about Nendo without a lot of reason behind it. How can he sense magic? Why does he even have any knowledge of magic? How long has he been on the streets, and where was he before? A few bits of background information would be nice on him.

The other character I want to point out is the old man. We're told he's blind, but that never really shows. He also doesn't seem that old the way he talks and how he seems to move.

The other characters I found well fleshed-out for their purpose. Nice work.

Paragraph structure: You trailed off a lot at the end of paragraphs here. Once and awhile it's alright, even beneficial, to do, but using it just about every paragraph detracts from the story. You can still use that structure, a bit, but if you cut out some dashes and ellipses, it would help things.

Repetition: You used proper names a lot here. I found them to be repetitive. Usually, you only need to use proper names if you're talking about two characters interchangeably. Like one sentence talks about Nendo and the other Tey. But often that's not the case here. You can use pronouns more often in that situation. ^_^

Overall: The bones for plot here are good. I'm wondering where you're going and you've left yourself a lot of options. One thing I suggest, though, is making each part a different chapter. It would increase number of reviews and decrease the amount of work critics have to do.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Ah! Forgive me, I didn’t even know this was online!

I really like how you’re developing your world and characters here—you do a good job of hinting at things and slipping in foreshadowing without it seeming too obvious (Like how Nendo is familiar with magic). And I think this chapter gave us much more insight into who Nendo is as a person. In the first part of this chapter I felt like I really didn’t know him all that well, but something about this part does a lot to add to his development.

I can see why you wanted to introduce Masudo so much, he’s very entertaining. XD His dialogue is really well written, and I love how it seems to be impossible to ruffle this guy. XD I think he provides a good contrast to Nendo, who seems more emotional and impulsive.

Speaking of which, I did think his whole running out of the fire at Masudo thing was… a little random. There just didn’t seem to be any reason for it, even if he was in shock… Maybe Masudo should find him first? I don’t know. XD

I really did like your descriptions in this part of the chapter, actually—I thought you did a really good job describing the scene when Masudo froze time—it’s obviously not something that readers have a frame of reference for, but you did a good job making it seem real anyway. And I really like your description of the market being like a garden with statues—I think that simile caught the eerie mood of the scene perfectly.

I only have a couple of prose-related recommendations:

He rolled into a protective ball, adopting the only pose he thought had a vague chance of protecting him from the scorching flames hissing and shooting in the sky in front of him.

The repetition of “protective” and related words here is a little bit jarring.

“How,” said the man, finally finding his voice, “in the blazes are you not frozen?”

This read kind of weirdly to me… for some reason, I misread this as him trying very awkwardly to ask why he wasn’t still in the fire, frozen. Maybe you should pick a different phrase than “in the blazes”

That’s all I’ve really got as far as critique goes… I look forward to reading your next chapter! ^_^

Hello,

Doing my own quid pro quid, ha, though for now only the first part of the chapter.

**

Quote:
Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him.
Can eyes be “trained”? (Silly foreigner speaking here). Also, one short paragraph and Nendo’s name is repeated three times. I don’t think that’s necessary.

Quote:
Tey ducked under the burly arm of a large man who threw several choice curses at the boy, who cheerfully ignored them.
“who… who” – awkward.

Quote:
When he spoke, he sounded annoyed.
That’s stated to our information. Me, I wouldn’t have thought he was – I had to be told. Perhaps show that annoyance in body language, too, or make it so that it isn’t like hitting a wall.

Quote:
Speaking of which, what are we doing here, anyway?
Tey’s dialogue. To me, the phrase “speaking of which” coming out of his lips – those of a child street thief – don’t sound too realistic

Quote:
. He pointed at Tey’s shoulder—or rather, at the purplish bruise disfiguring the bare earth-toned skin.
Verrry nice execution.

Quote:
It was just in his nature—just looking at the boy, one could see he was more a follower than a leader,
Just – just.

Quote:
washed over Nendo: Peddlers hawking their wares in high voices, market-women stridently arguing with the vendors, children crying.
After all those semicolons (which are fine, I adore the descriptions), is the colon necessary? Also, as a sidenote - sometimes after a colon the next word is capitalized, sometimes it isn’t.

Quote:
The sights and sounds of the city. The sights and sounds of home.
Again, very nice.

Quote:
He’s an old man, nearly blind; this should be easy.”
Semicolon in dialogue?

Quote:
He glanced in the direction that Nendo had indicated, before meeting Nendo’s eyes, green into black.
Awkward phrasing, consider rephrasing.

Quote:
He and Tey would look exactly like any one of the other market-goers. No one would suspect them.
He and Tey were walking several paces apart,

Quote:
Nendo frowned inwardly, wondering what was bothering Tey—but then followed Tey’s line of vision to the line of stalls to their left.
Ah. A man, in the distinctive blue tunic
Lovely.

Quote:
Nendo quickly tore his eyes away from the guard.
Already tore them away from the sky. Consider rephrasing? Same with “distinctive” – it’s such an, ah, distinctive word.

Quote:
Already, he could feel the dull ache, tight as a hard first, in the pit of his stomach…but he shoved it back.
First comma slows down the pacing terribly, like a rock.

Quote:
The bobel seller’s stall came into view—a tiny ramshackle stall underneath a discolored awning that might have once been blue, but was now a dingy gray.
Beautiful – and then there’s “distinct” again.

Quote:
Nendo took a deep breath, sucking in more of the hot, sweet, smells from the bobel stall.
Commas. After “sweet” – scrap it.

Quote:
He could just picture his hands closing around a bobel stick, one of the most popular snack foods in Theratolia.
Traveler’s guide, so – blunt. I also don’t like the semicolon in the next sentence. Personal preference, I suppose, but in my opnion the story would have been better off without it. It just kind of sits there.

Quote:
The bobel sticks here weren’t too expensive, thought Nendo idly as he glanced at the price sign: Only one pend for a four-ball stick with kaza fruit sauce.
One the other hand, this was nicely snuck in.

Quote:
He could always trust Tey to do exactly what he said…
Why the eclipse?

Quote:
The young woman stumbling away, laden with boxes of bobels, provided it. She, a slimly built girl,
Awkward phrasing in both sentences – consider rephrasing?

Quote:
“Yeah, mister, you should help her,” piped up the little boy who’d been drawing in the sand. “My daddy says that men should help out ladies!”
I laughed. The Great Return – wonderful secondary character, just wonderful.

Quote:
“Aww, stuff it up your—” growled the old man,
Again, very nicely done. Characterizes the seller without any actual profanity.

Quote:
“All right, brat,” he said unpleasantly, jerking to a standing position.
Oh dear.

Quote:
He was aware of a great wave of heat, searing like fire, knocking him to the street and sending the boxes flying from his hands; aware of a numb ringing in his ears; aware of a great jolt of shock that seemed to course through the entire marketplace; aware of voices screaming around him…
Terrific execution once more (although I’m not partial to that “he was aware” – nothing terribly wrong with it, I suppose, but – oh, I don’t know).

Quote:
For a moment the sky, incongruously blue and cheery, filled his vision,
“filled his vision” interference is a bit rocky.

Quote:
He recognized it, instantly: Magic.
No comma.

Quote:
Was Tey—was he one of the people lying spread-eagled and unmoving, drowning in his own blood, on the street?
Terrific sentence, but that last part is like a tail – get rid of it?

Quote:
A sudden flare of heat by his foot drew Nendo’s attention back to his current predicament.
Predicament – so horribly formal. Or no, not really. I don't know. It's just that the words stands out.

**

I admit that when I first read the “boom” bit, I thought Nendo had gotten into a fistfight with the seller, and that it was the man hitting him. I was surprised with things ending as they did, although I suppose that’s a good thing – unlike predictability. There was an element of surprise in the narration, dramatic scenes were dramatic without being melodramatic, so to say.

Continuing the plot path, I don’t think the pace was to slow, or that anything at all was too slow. I mean, there’s no sense in plunging headlong into events at the cost of wonderful descriptions and character development. I also appreciated all the little world-building details scattered along the way (monkeybirds, price of bobels, what bobels are – even if that last was a bit blunt).

Well, that was to sum up the line-by-line of part A in a few sentences. You’ll get a full review, complete with character/plot impressions and all that jazz after I critique the next part, no worries.

Lovely piece of work,
Esme

Hello!

-

Quote:
Nendo’s breathing came faster, in sharp pants that never seemed to force enough air into his lungs.
Awkward wording – consider rephrasing (the “came faster”?)

Quote:
Strange, he thought in a dull, unattached way, how he’d started the day wanting nothing more than a piping hot bobel stick to satisfy the aching in his belly, and ended the day about to die.
Awkward, again. Perhaps: “Strange, he though in a dull, unattached way. Strange how he’s started the day wanting nothing more than a piping hot bobel stick [and now this cut off part is a tail, dragging the first part out], and [needs to be rephrased also, although I’m out of ideas now.

Quote:
His only thought, his only regret, was Tey,
I’d cut the “thought”. Delete comma before “was”.

Quote:
He rolled into a protective ball, adopting the only pose he thought had a vague chance of protecting him from the scorching flames hissing and shooting in the sky in front of him.
Another tail dragging out the sentence. I’d split this into two.

Quote:
But then the sparks stopped.
Nice.

Quote:
He wondered, maybe, if he wasn’t hallucinating, just before he died…
Why the eclipse?

Quote:
form or substance; just air.
Dash? I don’t know, personal preference, but I don’t like semicolons in short sentences that could happily exist without.

Quote:
After all, he no longer felt any heat…
Why the eclipse? Annoying.

Quote:
What, thought Nendo, his panic winding to an even higher pitch,
I think I missed the part when he began panicking.

Quote:
Nendo had the uncomfortable feeling that he was standing in a garden furnished with statues…if the scene of devastation before him could be called a “garden”.
Me, I don’t like the analogy and then the questioning of it.

Quote:
And if he strained—if he forced all of his focus into a thin line directly in front of him—he could see it.
Nitpicky, but be it: “forced” “focus” start out similarly, might want to substitute one of them for something else.

Quote:
Admittedly, Nendo’s experience with magic was limited,
Bah. I don’t like the “admittedly comma and on we go”.

Quote:

Like it had stopped time.
Oooh. Now that’s what I call a very cool short sentence between paragraphs.

Quote:
The footsteps, the careless whistling, grew ever closer.
Cut second comma.

Quote:
No, it was safer where he was…
Ugly habit.

Quote:
Nendo feared that the man was addressing him
“that it was him being addressed” or something of the sort – no need to repeat |”the man”

Quote;
Yet here was this man, with the ability to freeze people and fires still as statues, claiming to be a time mage himself…
No!

Quote:
Nendo was reminded, in that instant, of the surprise that had coursed through his own body at the realization that the man was a time mage.
Rocky – “in that instant” at the beginning if you want to keep it.

Quote:
You should be as stiff, and unaware, as all your little urchin friends.”
No commas. Not an interference.

Quote:
the man continued, sweeping his silvery gaze up and down Nendo’s body, as if trying to find something special on the boy, that would excuse his not being affected.
No lst comma.

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How much more immature could he get…?
Forced.

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Faster than Nendo though he could move, the man was in front of him.
Awkward – consider rephrasing.

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But why was he even thinking about such random things,
I dislike the “random things” part.

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And Lord Darian is the Sixth Count of Miria; he’s a very reclusive young man, rarely leaves his manor, so I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of him.
Semicolons in dialogue look so very odd.

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yelled Nendo, again tugging against the man’s pincer grip; the man just tightened his hold, and marched forward even more resolutely, causing Nendo, despise his long legs, to stumble in an effort to keep up.
“the man”, “the man” – “despite”.

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Tey…
Now this is an okay eclipse.

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Because although he might have no idea what was going on…
Again I dislike this. I understand where you’re going, the linking with the next paragraph, but I still don’t like it.

-

Nendo. I’ll start out with the fire scene, because that’s what on my mind right now. He wasn’t panicking, fine – but still amid all those wonderful descriptions of what was going on, I’d like to see more of his emotions. The same goes to the I-can-touch-the-sparks. And then, suddenly, we’re informed that he’s panicking – but I don’t see him panicking at all. Whatever he is, panicking or level-headed, or anything else – show it more.
Right, well, let’s digress. We’ll get back to Nendo – but the fire scene. You definitely have a knack for writing dramatic scenes (along with concern for Tey). But then at the same time I felt that it was a bit – dragged out? As if it could be half the current length (perhaps I’m exageroating a bit) and still have the same – ah, effect, impetus, so to say. So I’d keep about half of those terrific descriptions and then focus on Nendo’s emotions. Because frankly, after the reader assesses the situation, knows where everything is, almost feels those flames – emotions and feelings of the MC become more important.

Nendo. He does a lot of tearing away with eyes for one chapter. There’s another one by the sparks in p. 2. Sidetracking, back to part 1 – Tey. Tey’s naivety, etc., which we are informed about. Maybe show it through a memory of him demonstrating those traits? Or show it in any other way. Don’t make us take it for granted. It doesn’t have to be then and there, but somewhere, do it.

Nendo. Neeendo, back to Nendo. The river part I didn’yt mention before, thought I’d do that here. I’m not too sure why that was there – at that point I didn’t care, and nothing was done with it. Perhaps hint at his dislike of the river, but cut off there rest.

And as to Masudo (my favorite character thus far):

Quote:
The instant the thought floated into Nendo’s mind, he rebelled against it; it just wasn’t possible. Time mages, the mysterious and insular magic manipulators who could control the flow of time itself, were dead. They had all died in a plague some twelve years ago, a plague that had affected all segments of the population but had only killed time mages. This was common knowledge. They were dead.

Seems you have a much better ability to get your point across than I would (plus the dialogue info) – Id’ve tiptoed around it and in the end explained nothing. But, that aside, interesting concept. The only thing I didn’t like was the time mage constantly being referred to as “the man”.

The I-don’t-need-Tey part was terrific.

Apart from that – lots of eclipses. The trailing off annoyed me, and of all the occurrences of its usage (oddly phrases, but never mind), I only liked a few. The rest was just annoying, irritating. Please do get rid of them. Or at least use them more sparingly.


Cheers,
Esme

Hi Bickazer,

This is a compelling opener. You've interwoven setup, characterisation and plot very skilfully with snappy dialogue and some good characterisation - Nendo's reaction to the explosion and his fear for Tey is particularly powerful.

My only suggestion is to tighten up. I feel like there's some excess description and unnecessary meandering before the plot really kicks in. You have a tendency to convey one fact in about four sentences, each of which is individually fine, but taken together they feel redundant. Example:

Bickazer wrote:Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him. It was a deep, clear shade of blue that reminded Nendo of the water in the Protector’s Fountain in the city square—or perhaps Nendo was only thinking of water because of the heat.

Midmorning in the city of Theratolia brought with it a wave of thick, dusty heat that caused the outlines of the mud-brick buildings around him to shimmer, and sent rivulets of sweat streaming down the back of his neck, staining his coppery skin with streaks of dirt. The heat would only get worse: By midday, anyone in the city who had a lick of sense would be clustered in the cool shade of their houses, napping the afternoon heat off until the desert evening fell. Perhaps that was why the people surging around Nendo were in such a hurry; they wanted to get their business done before afternoon.

These two paragraphs have a simple message: It's hot and it's going to get hotter. The lengthy description and explanation is unnecessary, imo. I've highlighted repetition within the text using colours. Blue text is repeating the blue sky. Red text is repeating the heat.

You have the ability to make the reader feel the heat with well-chosen details. Don't go totally overboard by giving us fifteen of them at a time, is all I'm saying.

Excellent work.

Karsten

Reading the second part now.

This is really very good. The emotion is great. I especially like the way you play with grammar to good effect, for example stacking lots of clauses together to create a feeling of stuttering, runaway panic.

Sinister whistling guy is sinister.

Still need to do a little slashing here, but I will absolutely keep reading this.

Hey Bickazer. ^^ Since you do have so many fabulous suggestions here, I won't go quite as in-depth, just some general comments. I'll do a more thorough review on part two. And sorry for any delay, my review thread is quite backed up now and I'm scrambling to finish before vacation. >_>

Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him. It was a deep, clear shade of blue that reminded Nendo of the water in the Protector’s Fountain in the city square—or perhaps [s]Nendo[/s] he was only thinking of water because of the heat.

This three-time repetition of 'Nendo' is unnecessary, because you can easily use the pronoun 'he' to make this smoother. I'd replace the last Nendo with 'he'. Watch out for repetition-- you've repeated 'blue' and 'water' in this isngle paragraph, as well.

“Yeah,” said Tey, an eager anticipation straightening his shoulders, causing his entire body to quiver.

I don't understand how straightening his shoulders would cause him to quiver. If he was straightening his shoulders, you'd assume he was showing confidence, but quivering is a sign of fear and anxiety. I'd find another word to describe what his body did. Also, you repeat quiver here:

Soon, he’d sate the quivering hunger.

So it shouldn't be a problem to find another verb

Completely unrelated to this story:

My first and foremost concern here is your confidence in your own writing. I'm telling you, this was really really well-written. Fantastic, even. I loved it. You've managed to keep within character for someone we barely even know yet, you've managed some believable dialogue, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. However! You obviously think otherwise?

I know, I'm my own hardest critic as well, but be proud of what you write! If you start rambling to your readers about how terrible it is, we won't want to read it, or we'll start being persuaded by you that it truly is bad, which it isn't. ^_^ Lecturing you on seld-confidence, am I? Hehe.

Overalll

As I mentioned, you really have got talent. The only thing I'd like to mention is the end-- all of that description got a bit long-winded for me. I think you could cut some of it down, just because less is more and you can still get across the flaming marketplace brilliantly with less sentences. Compact it down, and don't waste words when you can describe it just as well minus a sentences or thre..

Onto part two! Great job!

~Evi

Hey, Bickazer. I'm so very sorry about how long it's taken me to get to this to review it, but hopefully you can still use some feedback. If you want me to review any more of this same story when I'm finished, please let me know and I'd be more than happy to.

I. Little Things

A familiar voice behind the boy caused him to tear his eyes from the sky and turn around. Another boy, around his age, was pushing his way through the people clogging the wide, dusty alley, offering apologies as he bumped into bodies.

Though you refer to Nendo as a 'boy', which implies something rather young, I would recommend clarifying exactly what age range these two boys are a part of, so that we can get a better idea of the character right away and move away from having a 'floating head' [a character we can't see in our mind's eye to relate to] at the beginning as soon as possible.

It just had…a presence Nendo could only describe as evil.

So, I have this habit as well, and it's probably coming out right now, but there is a tendency to make sentences sound conversational rather than informative, even when the sentence is supposed to be coming from the narrator. Though this technique could possibly be effective when used in the right way, it more often is used as a cop-out, to avoid saying things concretely. That being said, I think this sentence would be much stronger if you said 'It had a presence Nendo could only describe as evil.'. You don't even need to italicize 'evil'. It has the same message, without the hesitation. After all, why hesitate when presenting a fact?

Though not as busy nor as loud as the riverside, this marketplace was still crowded with city folk on their daily business—women in colorful tunics, cradling infants in their brown arms; old men squatted in the meager shade beneath the sand-scoured apartments, playing dice; vendors fanning themselves beneath the striped silk awnings of their stalls. A cacophony of sounds washed over Nendo: Peddlers hawking their wares in high voices, market-women stridently arguing with the vendors, children crying.

This paragraph is also an example for my first point in 'big things', but for now I'm going to talk just about the structure. The way you've structured this long description is confusing and has many twists and turns that makes it hard to wade through. There is no need to try to fit this all into basically one sentence. You can give each description its own sentence.

Besides that, you also stray from parallel structure. In order to keep the reader on track and feeling like they can follow the format of certain things, you need to use parallel structure in a list. Here you go from describing the sights as nouns [women in tunics] to describing them in complete sentences [men squatted]. Once you break them all up into sentences, you'll probably have an easier time of making sure they're all formatted in the same way.

Also, though your vocabulary is impressive and pleasing, you may want to consider looking over your diction [word choice] again. For example, 'cacophony' is a word that sticks out of the story for me -- it just doesn't fit with the flow, in my opinion. Try something less SAT-vocabulary-ish. Try to avoid sounding like you scoured the thesaurus on purpose, even if you didn't use a thesaurus at all.

On a completely different note, I love these descriptions, but we'll talk more about that later.

The sights and sounds of the city. The sights and sounds of home.

I know that these fragments were put in for dramatic effect, and in theory they sound fine. I would, however, like you to consider joining them to make a stronger sentence. If you simply inserted 'were' between the sentences, you would make the connection between the fragments without leaving any room for confusion AND you'd keep the section grammatically correct. Just think about it. ^_^

He could just picture his hands closing around a bobel stick, one of the most popular snack foods in Theratolia.

I don't think that you should wait this long to inform the reader of what a 'bobel' is. Once the food is mentioned, or shortly after, you should be able to add in the description. Also, rather than having Nendo imagining the items in his mind, why not have him see them, so that you can describe them concretely instead of having them be warped by his memory?

He was focusing on Tey, his ever faithful Tey, and while he spoke to the man, he jerked one eyebrow up in a message to Tey—now.

I think that one thing that you do an excellent job with in this piece is showing the relationship between Tey and Nendo. Rather than telling us that they have special signals with each other and saying that that's how we can know how they are good friends, you show that to us in this example. You also have Nendo's feelings shine through a bit in the phrase 'his ever faithful Tey', and it has a lot of implications that I think are key to the story, so great job on working that in.

The name floated like a panicking bird in Nendo’s chest.

This is also a great sentence, because it brings the reader from the quickness of the action back to the personal troubles of Nendo. I think you meant to use 'fluttered' instead of 'floated', though.

II. Big Things

-- Description vs. Over-Description

Look back to the first paragraph describing the city and its sights and sounds. I know that at the end of this, you noted that you got too rambling with the descriptions, but since you posted it with these descriptions, I'll comment on them.

There comes a point when some descriptions aren't necessary. Sure, it's nice to describe every single kind of person that goes through the marketplace, because then the reader will get a concrete idea of the variety of visitors, but that gets too long.

Not everything needs to be described, because some descriptions can be inferred in other ways. For example, you spoke about the heat earlier in the paragraph, so it's logical that people might be fanning themselves, and for that reason, including it in the description later might not be necessary (though you could always add it in when you talk about the heat in the first place).

I challenge you to go through this piece (even just the first chapter to get a feel for it) and take out all the adjectives and see what you're left with. Does the story still make sense? It might feel really bare at first, but you should be able to have a story that stands without adjectives. Then, once you've done that, go through and add in only necessary adjectives -- words that you need to complete the meaning. If you're feeling indulgent, go ahead and throw a few fun ones in there in places you especially liked them, but don't sprinkle them all over the place. It takes away from the story and also makes it less concrete (see next section).

Also, there are some points of description that are completely unnecessary. For example:

Nendo took a deep breath, sucking in more of the hot, sweet, smells from the bobel stall.

You already described the bobel as hot and sweet, so it's only logical that that's what he'd breath in if he took a deep breath. Keep a look out for descriptions like these when you edit. Cut down as many words as you can. The reader doesn't need everything handed to them, so only keep essential descriptions. ^___^

By the way, this is in no way meant to discourage description. I love description, and it makes everything rich, but it sometimes detracts, so we need to keep it under control!

-- Some Commas Cause Problems

He ducked around a small boy forlornly scratching patterns into the sandy street, approaching the stalls’ left side, where a board painted with the seller’s prices perched.

This is a problem I saw quite frequently that you'll have to go through and correct, but you should know that you don't need the second comma in that sentence. Why not review comma rules before you go back and edit and see which commas you can take out? This piece definitely needs a thorough edit for little things like that, and that's why this is in the 'big things' section.

-- Don't Be Afraid to Say Things

After noticing that there are quite a few examples of this problem, I thought I'd include it under 'big things'.

Not that anyone could hear the sound of his stomach growling above the marketplace din…

You end quite a few sentences with either an ellipse or a dash, and this means that you're afraid to say those sentences concretely. If this is what happened, why do you need to let the sentence trail off into oblivion? State what you state, and don't be afraid to put it into the story definitively. If you over use ellipses, especially at the end of sentences, it makes the reader feel like you don't really mean what you're saying. It also breaks up the flow of the piece because it slows the pace down so much that we lose our train of thought. Go through and fix these up.

-- In The End

Overall, this is a really nice piece. I thought that you did a great job of setting the story up and I don't think, from reading through it, that you took too much liberty with that or spent too much time on it. It's details like the ones you included that help you to show things to the reader rather than tell them.

The characters are showing good signs of development, even this early on in the story, and you've upped the tension just at the right time. I might end up reading through the rest of this once I get the time, but please PM me if you'd like me to do critiques on the other parts of this as well, okay?

PM me, also, if you have any questions about any of my comments or if you'd like /anything/ else reviewed!

-Hannah-