The End of Time Chapter One

Bickazer · 2009-05-29T04:44:23Z

This is the novel project I'm working on, and currently it's going well, although as it is I've planned...a whole thirty-six...chapters for the thing. That can't be right. I feel a bit bad for posting this so close after deciding to post my finished Vicissitudes stories; I'll try to juggle between posting "The End of Time" and Vicissitudes. This project is currently more important to me...I know the chapters can get rather long; I'm debating whether to place the second part of this chapter in a separate topic or have it as a separate post. Anyway, my point is, if you do review all of this (the entire chapter), I'll guarantee a review to anyone who asks. Quid pro quo, at its best. :) The End of Time Part One: The City Chapter One: Nendo Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him. It was a deep, clear shade of blue that reminded Nendo of the water in the Protector’s Fountain in the city square—or perhaps Nendo was only thinking of water because of the heat. Midmorning in the city of Theratolia brought with it a wave of thick, dusty heat that caused the outlines of the mud-brick buildings around him to shimmer, and sent rivulets of sweat streaming down the back of his neck, staining his coppery skin with streaks of dirt. The heat would only get worse: By midday, anyone in the city who had a lick of sense would be clustered in the cool shade of their houses, napping the afternoon heat off until the desert evening fell. Perhaps that was why the people surging around Nendo were in such a hurry; they wanted to get their business done before afternoon. “Nendo!” A familiar voice behind the boy caused him to tear his eyes from the sky and turn around. Another boy, around his age, was pushing his way through the people clogging the wide, dusty alley, offering apologies as he bumped into bodies. “Sorry—coming through—hey, Nendo! There you are.” “Tey,” said Nendo, nodding in acknowledgment. Tey ducked under the burly arm of a large man who threw several choice curses at the boy, who cheerfully ignored them. He stopped several steps away from Nendo, hands on his knees, panting in exertion. When he spoke, he sounded annoyed. “What were you doing, just wandering off like that? I could have gotten lost, you know! Speaking of which, what are we doing here, anyway? Isn’t the riverside market better?” “Are you serious?” said Nendo, letting irritation slip into his voice for the first time. He pointed at Tey’s shoulder—or rather, at the purplish bruise disfiguring the bare earth-toned skin. “Do you want to get into a fight with the dockworkers again? It’s better here. More out of the way.” And not by the water , he thought, with a disgusted shudder. Nendo had never liked the river. Its water was dark, sluggish, reeking of rotting fish and riverweed. Who knew what dangers the river’s depths held? It just had…a presence Nendo could only describe as evil. “I guess you’re right, Nendo,” said Tey, jerking his uninjured shoulder in a shrug. “The riverside is kind of dangerous.” Nendo had been expecting Tey to agree with him: In the two boys’ ten years of friendship, Tey had never once disagreed with Nendo in a significant way. It was just in his nature—just looking at the boy, one could see he was more a follower than a leader, given the naiveté always shining in his wide green eyes and the childish roundness to his face. Tey was all softness, all boyish circles, in contrast to the sharper angles of Nendo’s face and build. “So, found anything here?” Tey cast a glance around the marketplace, shaking dark brown curls out of his eyes. Though not as busy nor as loud as the riverside, this marketplace was still crowded with city folk on their daily business—women in colorful tunics, cradling infants in their brown arms; old men squatted in the meager shade beneath the sand-scoured apartments, playing dice; vendors fanning themselves beneath the striped silk awnings of their stalls. A cacophony of sounds washed over Nendo: Peddlers hawking their wares in high voices, market-women stridently arguing with the vendors, children crying. The sights and sounds of the city. The sights and sounds of home. “Not yet,” said Nendo. “I think there’s a bobel seller down that way…a few stalls behind the pottery seller. He’s an old man, nearly blind; this should be easy.” “Yeah,” said Tey, an eager anticipation straightening his shoulders, causing his entire body to quiver. He glanced in the direction that Nendo had indicated, before meeting Nendo’s eyes, green into black. Nendo nodded, once, and the two boys set off through the crowd. They did not creep, or hug the edges of the marketplace, or cast furtive glances back and forth, like so many street children did when performing thefts. Nendo thought that skulking was just stupid—it made you stand out, made it easier for vendors and guards to see that you were up to no good. Nendo had never once skulked like a rat in all his years on the streets. He walked with his head held up, his strides steady and strong, straight through the middle of the bustling shoppers. He and Tey would look exactly like any one of the other market-goers. No one would suspect them. He and Tey were walking several paces apart, letting other people into the space between them, blocking them from each other. After passing a gaggle of giggling young women, Nendo caught a glimpse of Tey’s distinct brown curls again. He moved closer, speaking out of the side of his mouth. “I’ll distract him, you pick up two sticks. No more. Then we get out of here as fast as we can.” A flicker of acknowledgment in Tey’s eyes, but there was something apprehensive to his expression. Nendo frowned inwardly, wondering what was bothering Tey—but then followed Tey’s line of vision to the line of stalls to their left. Ah. A man, in the distinctive blue tunic of the Normal Quarter guards, was lounging by a weapons stall, a sword gleaming by his side. Nendo quickly tore his eyes away from the guard. He and Tey had had many run-ins with the guards before, none of them pleasant—the guards were quite vicious with the flats of their swords. Nendo didn’t much fancy ending up with bruises that wouldn’t fade for another month— But all the same, he had to eat. The last time Nendo had a meal was yesterday morning, and that had only been a few crusts of bread. Already, he could feel the dull ache, tight as a hard first, in the pit of his stomach…but he shoved it back. Soon, he’d sate the quivering hunger. “It’s all right,” he mumbled to Tey. “Just make sure he doesn’t see us. I’ll distract him, too.” Tey nodded, before a particularly fat market-woman stepped between him and Nendo, blocking him from Nendo’s view. Nendo grit his teeth, but there was nothing he could do. Tey was on his own… The bobel seller’s stall came into view—a tiny ramshackle stall underneath a discolored awning that might have once been blue, but was now a dingy gray. As he approached, a distinct scent of frying dough and sweet fruit filled Nendo’s nostrils, and the hunger in his stomach spiked. He ducked around a small boy forlornly scratching patterns into the sandy street, approaching the stalls’ left side, where a board painted with the seller’s prices perched. Nendo took a deep breath, sucking in more of the hot, sweet, smells from the bobel stall. He could just picture his hands closing around a bobel stick, one of the most popular snack foods in Theratolia. For good reason, too; Nendo couldn’t imagine anything better than the balls of fried dough, four each impaled on a wooden skewer, and slathered in bubbling-hot fruit sauce. His stomach gave a grumble, and he automatically pressed his hand to his abdomen in a futile effort to silence it. Not that anyone could hear the sound of his stomach growling above the marketplace din… The bobel sticks here weren’t too expensive, thought Nendo idly as he glanced at the price sign: Only one pend for a four-ball stick with kaza fruit sauce. Still, it was beyond Nendo’s means. The last time he’d held any pend in his hands at all had been at least two years ago, when a nobleman had paid Nendo and Tey generously for assisting him with his bags. So he’d have to steal. It didn’t bother him, morally; it was just something he had to do to survive. What all street children did. Nendo saw Tey on the stall’s other side, standing as innocuously as he could and pretending to be absorbed in the cracks on the dusty wall the stall was pushed against, although he snuck occasional glimpses at the bobels frying on the grill. The old vendor wasn’t paying the grill much attention at the moment—he was busy selling a package of bobel sticks to a pretty girl. Tey was twitching, twisting his fingers together to prevent them from impulsively reaching out and grabbing a couple of sticks that instant. He was nervous; Nendo understood. He knew that Tey had never gotten used to Nendo’s way of not sneaking like an insect. Unlike Nendo, Tey had lived on the streets longer, and had become accustomed to the way that most street children gangs worked, always scurrying and scampering like terrified mice. Nendo wasn’t worried that Tey would fail, though. The two had done enough thefts together for Tey to become used to Nendo’s way of doing things, even if it bothered Tey. He could always trust Tey to do exactly what he said… Inhaling deeply, Nendo swept his eyes around the bustling marketplace, his mind racing for a suitable diversion, one that would draw the old man’s attention away from the grill… The young woman stumbling away, laden with boxes of bobels, provided it. She, a slimly built girl, was already buckling under the weight of the boxes. In three strides, Nendo closed the distance between her and him, grabbing two boxes from the surprised woman and balancing them in one arm. “You look like you’re having a bit of trouble,” he said, smiling confidently at her—while moving his eyebrows up and down in a surreptitious message to Tey. Just a few seconds longer…wait for it… “Oh—well—thank you,” said the woman, sounding startled. Nendo continued to smile at her, trying to ignore the fresh pang the smell of the bobel sticks in the box incited in his stomach. “Not a problem, madam,” he said. Then, he turned to the seller, who was watching them intently, and strode straight over to him, one hand indignantly on his hip, trying to present as aggressive an image as possible. “Hey, what’s your problem, old man?” he demanded, pointing an accusing finger at the seller, who was blinking like a monkeybird at him. “What? What d’you mean?” said the old man, straightening up as an indignant tone entered his voice. Then, glancing at the wide-eyed young woman, “What, you her boyfriend or something?” “No,” said Nendo in irritation. “Just someone who remembers common courtesy. What were you thinking , making a delicate young lady carry all those boxes? If you’d had any sense at all, you would have offered to help her.” “What—” the old man sputtered, his dark face rapidly turning an unpleasant purplish color. “You can’t be serious—I got a stall to take care of, can’t go ‘round doing heavy lifting for some girl—” “Well, well, will you have a listen at that,” said Nendo unpleasantly—and loudly, to boot. Many passersby were stopping, staring at him and the bobel seller in curiosity. This was good; the more peoples’ attention he could fix on himself, the less attention there would be on Tey, Tey who was kneeling by the grill, watching Nendo in anticipation of a signal… “Yeah, mister, you should help her,” piped up the little boy who’d been drawing in the sand. “My daddy says that men should help out ladies!” “Aww, stuff it up your—” growled the old man, before focusing back on Nendo. “Look, I’m a busy man, I got a stall to run and money to make, I can’t be packhorse to every little girl what comes along.” “I’m not asking you to be a packhorse,” snapped Nendo, “I’m asking you to be a man .” A vein was twitching in the seller’s purplish temple. “What, you trying to say I ain’t a man?” “A man ,” said Nendo smoothly, “helps a lady with her burdens.” But he wasn’t focusing on the seller nor the young woman behind him nor the curious people stopping to watch. He was focusing on Tey, his ever faithful Tey, and while he spoke to the man, he jerked one eyebrow up in a message to Tey— now. A wide grin split Tey’s boyish face in half, and his hands shot out for two sticks drenched in green kaza fruit sauce. The seller, however, had interpreted Nendo’s eyebrow message as a challenge. “All right, brat,” he said unpleasantly, jerking to a standing position. Nendo sighed and shifted the two boxes to his other arm, wondering if he was going to have to fight an old man. He hadn’t planned for this, but if it kept the old man distracted, then… “Um—sir—thank you for being so kind, but, um—” the young woman was stammering from behind Nendo. Nendo ignored her, keeping his gaze level on the old man. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Tey was already gone; if he focused hard, he could make out a familiar mop of brown curls heading rapidly away from the marketplace— Then, a deafening boom rang through the marketplace and the ground burst in a hail of stinging sand beneath Nendo’s feet. He was aware of a great wave of heat, searing like fire, knocking him to the street and sending the boxes flying from his hands; aware of a numb ringing in his ears; aware of a great jolt of shock that seemed to course through the entire marketplace; aware of voices screaming around him… Tey, Tey— was Nendo’s first panicked thought. Is Tey all right, is he—what happened, what happened? He tried to get up, scrambling on his hands and knees and forcing down a rising sense of disorientation. But the next second he was flattened again, by a second boom, even louder than the first, and again the ground was torn from under him and he was falling, falling face-first until he slammed into something hard. The salty tang of blood filled his mouth, and pain began to blossom across his forehead. He couldn’t think; there was no time to think. There was only the panic, tight as a knot in his chest, searing through his veins, jittering in his bones. He had no idea what had happened but didn’t care—all that mattered was people were screaming around him in pain and fear and there was a heat to his back— Unable to pull himself to his feet, Nendo rolled over instead. For a moment the sky, incongruously blue and cheery, filled his vision, but then he craned his head forward, and saw— Flames, crackling and roaring and eagerly swallowing the wooden remains of the bobel stall like kindling. The fire in front of him wasn’t the only one, either—all around the marketplace, fires blazed out of the remains of stalls, sending showers of sparks into the sky that fell back down to the earth to ignite more fires. The entire street in front of Nendo had been torn up—it was as if a giant fist beneath the ground had punched upwards, tearing the earth into crazy jagged pieces. People were scattered like dolls around the destroyed marketplace, some still screaming, others moaning feebly, a few not moving, lying pale-faced and still and bent at crazy angles, while dark liquid pooled around them… And hanging above all the devastation was a pall of power, a power that shook in Nendo’s bones and blazed hot like fire and red like blood. He recognized it, instantly: Magic. The blood ran cold in his veins. Magic? But why? Who would—who’d detonate a magic bomb in the street, why here, why— He looked around wildly, seeing nothing but white-hot fires and injured—or worse—people. Tey. The name floated like a panicking bird in Nendo’s chest. Was Tey—was he one of the people lying spread-eagled and unmoving, drowning in his own blood, on the street? His breathing hitching, Nendo tried to focus on the horrible tableau spread before him, but his vision was beginning to blur at the edges and he couldn’t make out any distinct figures. A sudden flare of heat by his foot drew Nendo’s attention back to his current predicament. A burst of sparks had ignited several pieces of wood only inches from his foot. He quickly drew back, only to bump against something hard; whirling around, Nendo saw with a flash of panic that a huge section of the bobel seller’s stall, stained with grease and still smelling of frying dough, was blocking his entire left side, immovable as a wall. Crackling hot fires were hemming him in from the front, back and right side; the stall shrapnel remained stubbornly to his left side. Sour panic, like bile, rose in Nendo’s throat; he struggled to force it down, even as another shower of sparks landed dangerously close to his leg, igniting several more matchstick-like pieces of former stall. Only one thing was clear in his panic-befogged mind: He was trapped. He was going to die… ----------------------------- Wow...looking back...I really dislike this. I feel like I spent too long setting everything up (especially the scene with the bobel seller and stuff) and got too rambling with my descriptions. The second half of the first chapter is so much better, but maybe that's because I introduce Masudo and he's one of my favorites. Remember to review (I'll review back! :D). Also [shameless plug alert] if you're interested, you can check out my novel journal for this story, for progress on the story [/shameless plug alert]. It'll get better, I swear. >_>

Hyunthesosarian

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Points 890

Reviews 7

Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:31 pm

Hyunthesosarian says... · Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:31 pm

Good afternoon, Bickazer! Thank you for being my friend.

It seems I've come to the party a little late, so people have beat me to a substantial amount of sentence-level issues ^_^; Still, I wonder if I can be of some use to you.

Tey ducked under the burly arm of a large man who threw several choice curses at the boy, who cheerfully ignored them. He stopped several steps away from Nendo, hands on his knees, panting in exertion. When he spoke, he sounded annoyed.

I think Tey switched from cheerful to annoyed somewhat abruptly there. I'd recommend choosing one mood or the other, possibly the latter, especially with the bruise Tey got on his shoulder earlier, since I can't think of a way to pull that transition off otherwise.

And as others have pointed out, you tend to use more names instead of pronouns, which made this paragraph slightly hard to read, ironically:

Nendo wasn’t worried that Tey would fail, though. The two had done enough thefts together for Tey to become used to Nendo’s way of doing things, even if it bothered Tey. He could always trust Tey to do exactly what he said… Inhaling deeply, Nendo swept his eyes around the bustling marketplace, his mind racing for a suitable diversion, one that would draw the old man’s attention away from the grill…

I would also caution you about the "magic bombs" that went off in the middle of the market for one reason: those bombs seemed little different than conventional explosives. Granted, it seems imperative that that be the case so it can't be detected just by anybody, but must Nendo be the only one or among the few who recognize magic in that instant? (I haven't read the second part of the chapter, nor the subsequent chapters later, but perhaps that question is answered for me.) If you want to differentiate magic bombs from normal bombs in subtle ways, maybe you could have some people complain of fire or some other unpleasant sensation within their bones, and others insensitive/resistant to magic, well, not.

That aside, I will discount your fears of taking too long to set up/provide description for the story because you performed one very important task: giving your protagonist a conflict right away. He's hungry. The reader has a reason to root for Nendo and Tey straight off, and makes their ploy all the more rewarding when they pull it off -- regrettably, not for long. I also admire how you built a different setting by mentioning the names of places, inventing food and currency, and describing a river no Earth civilization would want to live near -- I was reminded of China Mieville's New Crobuzon. My favorite approach to developing civilizations is figuring out what kinds of words they consider profane, whether made up as parodies of existing cuss words, or deciding what is considered taboo. For instance, gambling can be a horrible thing to one culture, so words associated with gambling are vulgar, but scatological words are less offensive.

I very much look forward to reading more of your stuff but I'm afraid I have to break it off here. Yard work really sucks.

=Hyun

Stop thinking pessimistic thoughts. You will run out.

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Hyunthesosarian

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Points 890

Reviews 7

Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:03 am

Hyunthesosarian says... · Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:03 am

Good aft-- evening, Bickazer! I consider 6 PM to be the start of evening and the hour just turned. :]

Since you expressed this chapter isn't representative of your best work, I'm going to try and point out as much stuff as my attention span will allow. This place has some really thorough people combing through your lines and I worry about burning out XD Let's see...

He was going to die...

I am not a big fan of those kinds of sentences -- they're overused by trailers for shows on the cusp of some climatic event and wind up a little cliche'd.

Nendo’s breathing came faster, in sharp pants that never seemed to force enough air into his lungs.

That sentence was a bit on the awkward side for me. I get what you're trying to get across; perhaps rephrasing it as "Nendo's breathing became faster, but the air failed to fill his lungs" might be better.

Nendo had the uncomfortable feeling that he was standing in a garden furnished with statues…if the scene of devastation before him could be called a “garden.”

My Sci-Fi professor put across an interesting writing tip: Try avoiding the use of "that" in the middle of a sentence. I don't remember the exact reason she forbade it, but my writing seems fresher when I follow her advice. Along the same lines,

It was all right, though; the time mage continued to speak, his words coming in disbelieving spurts.

You wouldn't be a large offender in my professor's eyes, but she handed back my papers with "It is" crossed out if it came at the beginning of a sentence, since the "it" would lack an antecedent, thus becoming a grammatical error. "There was" also belongs in the same category. Both of those also tend to waste words. I've also found a good way to reduce excess words is eliminating extra verbs. For example, in the previous sentence, I could have written "...a good way to reduce excess words is to be eliminating extra verbs."

“Then—that—” Nendo was beginning to feel weak; weak from disbelief. He just couldn’t—understand—any of this.

Also be wary of "just". "Just" is all right as a synonym for "moments ago" or "unbiased". It is less serviceable as a synonym for "solely", "only", and other such adverbs. Read it aloud to yourself. It "just" doesn't sound right a lot of the time.

Other words you should consider removing are "almost", "seemed", and other, well, whatever the antonym is for "intensifiers." Words like those dilute the potency of a sentence. Try finding another word that expresses the same degree of action; for instance, instead of:

“What--?” Nendo was given no time to mull over the statement before Masudo started walking again, almost dragging Nendo off his feet from the speed of his strides.

Try:

“What--?” Nendo was given no time to mull over the statement before Masudo resumed striding, sending the boy off-balance.

I should wrap this up; these reviews are intense! I do wonder what would be so important to Masudo that would attract him to the middle of the blazing square and deploy such flagrant magic -- only to turn around and forsake that reason as soon as he finds some boy who can talk back at him. Looks like Idach will have to wait for his duel, if that's what he wanted.

Of Masudo, I know you like him. I'm sorry, I take issue with the character. Nendo surprised him well enough by proving resistant to time-freezing magic, but the word that keeps coming to mind is "oily." Conceited, even -- things happen his way, no other option. He disregards the well-being of the burning victims he left behind, removes Nendo from his best friend by force without apology, and informs the kid he will become a servant for some guy he's never heard of before. Other times and places would call that "enslavement." Maybe he turns out to be a good guy later and I'm supposed to like him, but this was not the best first impression he could make.

I did like Nendo's quiescent contemplation of his changing situation at the beginning -- he wasn't very much counting on a diet of death when he woke up, did he? I feel that kind of mentality still fits with his more combative side, which he displayed against the bobel merchant and Masudo. People always think of the most inappropriate things -- like the incident with Masudo's nose -- like it's a coping device of some sort.

I'm counting on the others to cover more of the sentence-level issues |D; Three reviews in one day just might be enough for me. Please be aware that I like the story thus far and can't wait to bite into Chapter Two.

=Hyun

Stop thinking pessimistic thoughts. You will run out.

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sylverdawn

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Points 240

Reviews 66

Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:59 pm

sylverdawn says... · Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:59 pm

Hey I've only read the first half so far, will review the second half later. But so far this story seems pretty good, you give an interesting feel to Nendo and Tey. They're a funny pair, not in any gangs but still sticking together. You do a good job setting up the heist, and then pulling me in with the more serious explosion.

You should give some more description for the city, and say more about what your character look like. Overall this story is pretty cool so far, I will definetly read and review more.

DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

novel.php?id=1157

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tigerwolf4

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Points 1134

Reviews 2

Sun Sep 06, 2009 5:36 pm

tigerwolf4 says... · Sun Sep 06, 2009 5:36 pm

I thought the second part of the chapter was awesome. Becareful about run-on sentences. Some of your sentneces are too long or too wordy and it is hard for the reader to understand what you're trying to say. I really enjoy your piece so far and am excited to see what happens to Nendo next.

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