Stuck in the Past: Part Three (Edited)

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This is the third in a series and I hope that it's better than the first two mini-chapters. I still need to work on revising the second, but I'll get to it as soon as possible. Enjoy!

Serenity opened her eyes to the brilliance of the room, her head throbbing as a sudden pain jolted through her body. Suddenly her sister’s face filled her vision, Melody’s eyes full gazing at her with worry. Serenity gradually sat up and let out a cry out agony.

“Be careful, Serenity! You fell pretty hard…” Melody said softly, supporting her sister's back as Serenity moved to lean against the headboard of the bed. Serenity rubbed her head and winced in pain.

“What happened?” she asked, looking around the room she was in. The castle entrance was now gone and instead a quaint, little bedroom was surrounding her. The bed she was lying on was by the door, while dressers sat opposite. No other furnishings filled the room except for a painting of the queen,
who entered at just that moment.

“How is your sister?” Queen Amylia asked Melody worriedly. She walked over to the bed, gazing at Serenity with curious eyes.

“I think she’ll be okay, but I wish we had some medical help for her… Your physicians here aren’t very helpful,” Melody replied. “Bloodletting won’t help with fainting.”

Serenity paled at these words, though she was confused on the subject. “What happened?” she repeated, staring at her sister with a pleading look.

“We were standing in the entrance and you suddenly fell to the ground,” Melody explained. “You hit your head pretty hard and let out the loudest scream I’ve ever heard. You’ve been out for about a day…”

Serenity’s eyes widened as she realized what had happened. She had been out for a day? And evidently the doctor’s in the time period still had a few things to learn. “Um… You didn’t let them… you know…”

Melody smiled, the beginning of a teasing sentence on the tip of her tongue, but stopped when she
realized the queen was still present. “Of course not, Serenity. I didn’t let them get near you.”

Amylia smiled and nodded. “It’s true, young lady. Your sister was quite ferocious to the doctors. I fear they may not return because of her…” She let the sentence trail off as she searched for the right word.

“Attitude?” Serenity giggled. “Yeah, she can have that.”

“Attitude?” the queen asked, a bit confused. Sighing and shaking her head, she put her hand on the edge of the bed. “I forget you are from far away. Your customs are still a bit strange to me.”

Melody smiled and sat down on a bench she had brought in the night before to sit by her sister as she slept. “Yours are a very strange custom, too, m'lady. We’re still becoming accustomed to them. Excuse us for any lapse in manner.”

Serenity quieted her laughter and watched as her sister began talking with the queen. The two seemed to have grown close in Serenity’s one day of blackout, her dreamless sleep, though a haunting feeling sent shivers down her spine.

A large crashing sound broke Serenity out of her reverie and the woman and the two girls quickly exited the room to discover the cause of the noise. Serenity followed slowly behind, her headache causing her to stumble the entire way. At the end of the hall a suit of arm lay scattered across the floor, a man entangled in the silver metal. He stared up at the girls in embarrassment, a blush quickly filling his cheeks as he noticed the queen standing above him with an amused look on her face. He quickly removed himself from the debris and dusted himself off. Bowing deeply to the queen and her companions, he murmured a greeting and righted himself.

Serenity, catching a glimpse of the man’s face, gasped. It was the man whom she had seen before, at the ball, the last thing she remembered. He looked at her and smiled, and she was filled with an unnatural dread. What could be making her feel such a thing?

“Did you decide to try on the armor, Sir Devin?” the queen asked, a smile on her face.

“I thought I saw a rat enter the suit, m’lady…” he replied, his cheeks now as red as his hair.

The queen chuckled and nodded. “I suppose that a reasonable excuse, though I believe you could have avoided making such a commotion.

A flash of glinting metal flew through the air towards the queen, catching the attention of all four people. Serenity moved to block the object, but Melody had beat her it. She called upon the stone wall of the hallway to move, positioning it just in front of Amylia. A second later the flying object hit the stones and the sound of shattering filled the air. After the stone wall had returned to its original position, the four looked down to see a pile of silver metal lying on the ground. On the top lay a brown hilt, the remains of what had once been a murderous knife.
Last edited by Mira on Sun May 17, 2009 4:49 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Smiles make the world go round." ~ Me




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I actually haven't read the first two parts [need to catch up on that], but that was really fantastic. I love your style of writing, the way you use words and what-not.
The only thing I caught was this part:
Melody smiled and sat down on a bench she had brought in the night before to sit by her sister as she slept. “Yours are a very strange custom, too, milady. We’re still becoming accustomed to them. Excuse us for any lapse in manner.”

I believe it's m'lady, but I'm not sure. xP But anyway. It's really fantastic. I hope you make more of them!




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Heya Saph! Sorry it took so long. Been busy. Ahem, now onto the review!

This is the third in a series and I hope that it's better than the first two mini-chapters. I still need to work on revising the second, but I'll get to it as soon as possible. Enjoy!


Maybe place this into bold so your readers can distinguish the story from the authors note ;)

Serenity opened her eyes to the bright ceiling, her head throbbing as a pain filled her body.


What did this pain feel like? Did her toes tingle? Her elbows ache? Also, was there any fancy designs on the ceiling or was it just plain ole white?

Suddenly her sister’s face filled her vision, Melody’s eyes full of worry and fear.


Perhaps that comma should be a semi-colon.

No other furnishings filled the room except for a painting of the queen, of

who entered at just that moment.


I think this was supposed to be the same sentence and paragraph? If so, I would nix the "of".

A large crashing sound broke Serenity out of her reverie and the three girls quickly exited the room to discover the cause of the noise, though Serenity followed a little slowly and clumsily as pain jolted through her.


Long sentence! You could easily shorten this down into a few seperate ones ;) Gotta watch out for these.

Oh, and something else I should point out. How old is the queen? Is she under the age of eighteen, if not then she would be called a woman ^_^

He stared up at the girls in embarrassment, a blush quickly filling his cheeks as he noticed the queen standing above him with an amused look on her face.


So the queen is standing above the man on the floor? When did the queen go to the other end of the hall to look down at him? I think you skimmed over that ;)

She moved to block the object, but her sister had beat her to it.


The queen moved to block the object? I didn't know she had a sister. Perhaps you should put Serenity instead of she.

Also, nix "had" as it makes the sentence clumsy feeling.

The stone wall moved, positioning itself between the queen and the flying object.


What stone wall? Oh I'm majorly confuzzled :?

Bowing deeply to the queen and her companions, he murmured a greeting and righted himself.


Are any words spoken between the queen, the two girls and this man? No one asked him why he was trying to dress up as a knight? No teasing, nothing? Also, when the knife flew, where was this man? You didn't mention that he strolled off, cheeks still burning. The way I see it is he's still standing there, failing to protect his queen.

~~~~

This is a rather slow chapter but that's okay! Slow chapters are good. What this needs is a little more description, a little more action--from the characters--and some more dialogue. These three things will spice this up even more.

1) You could describe the room--not too much info dumping--in little bits. Like the colours of the walls, the desgin of the bed, the blankets even. Even the hallway could use more. Were there candles on the walls, flames flickering? How many other doors were in the hallway? Where was this door specifically? What did the man look like? I can't recall if you described him in the last chapter--I'm going to have to go reread it :)

2) When I say character action, I mean do your characters use hand gestures when they talk? When Melody was speaking to her sister and the queen, did she flick her hair, play with her fingers or a loose string on the blankets? When Serenity was repeating her question over and over, did she finally throw her arms into the air? Did the queen shift her weight as they talked? Just a little more of this to make them feel more realistic.

3) Your characters dont' speak much. Especially when Melody and the queen started chatting, it seemed like they forgot about Serenity. Maybe you could have little tidbits of their conversation in here even thought Serenity is thinking. And when the man was in the hallway, no words were passed there. I thought for sure there would be some teasing. Nobody cried a warning out to the queen either.

You've also skimmed over some things--I pointed them out above ---so make sure everything is explained or you'll be leaving your readers with questions like what? When did that happen? How did that happen? Did I miss something?

Good job on this chapter! I enjoyed it and you left us off at an interesting spot. PM when the next part is up and if you have any questions.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Hello~ My name is Katie, and I'm here to, weeeeeeeell... Review your work! Dundundunnn... :)


First off...


Serenity opened her eyes to the bright ceiling, her head throbbing as a pain filled her body. Suddenly her sister’s face filled her vision, Melody’s eyes full of worry and fear. Serenity gradually sat up, groaning as her head cried out in agony.




Umm... She 'opened her eyes to the ceiling'? The statement is kinda off... Let's try, "Serenity opened her eyes to the brilliance of the room, her head throbbing as a sudden pain jolted through her body."


There. Sounds more like it? You can't count pain, so you should omit the article 'a' if you won't put an adjective after 'pain'. Try to use emphasis a little bit more. Remember, you should be as descriptive as possible, so that readers would understand your story well. They are not mind readers, you know. They can't penetrate through your thoughts to see what exactly you're describing to them. So, emphasis. Give them details. ;)




Serenity gradually sat up, groaning as her head cried out in agony.





Her head cried out? Umm... Heads don't cry out, sweetie. Try: "Serenity gradually sat up, groaning, clutching her throbbing head and crying out in agony."



“Be careful, Serenity! You fell pretty hard…” Melody said softly, helping her sister into a sitting position. Serenity rubbed her head and winced in pain.







Hey, reread the part before this. Isn't she already sitting up?






Amylia smiled and nodded. “It’s true, young lady. Your sister was quite ferocious to the doctors. I fear they may not return because of her…” She let the sentence die off as she searched for the right word.





Okay. Omit 'die off', replace with 'trail off'. Die off is just... brutal?








Okaaay... So far, nothing else is offset, excluding some misplaced punctuation marks and a unique usage of descriptive words, but that isn't really a bad thing, is it? :wink:









I'll be catching up with the rest of this story later. Keep up the good work! :D
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.




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Thanks for the critiques and comments everyone! I edited the parts mentioned, so I hope it's a little better now. Still, I know it isn't completely perfect... Thanks again! You are all wonderfully awesome!
"Smiles make the world go round." ~ Me




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I really liked this!

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This story was great in my opinion. It's full different feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your story and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first part of the story was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I must agree though that it does move quite slowly but I personally don't mind that!

I'm not much of a criticiser so think of this as your compliment review!

Overall, I adored your story!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso