New Awakenings-Chapter one

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A new day, new house, new everything. My name is Abagail, but my friends...now old friends, call me Abby. I moved from Augusta,Georgia
in the U.S to Bashaw,Alberta in Canada. My dad got transferred,to Canada ill never know why. Bashaw has a population of 868 people total.
Its really flat and has a small forest near by. The schools name is Bashaw school, original right. Its grades are K-12. the school has 255 students total.
I start tomorrow.My dads name is Steve. He works as a banker. He and my mom,Jacklyn, have been together for 10 years now. My mom
is a nurse. She works with Capital Care. My brother, Tad looks like my dad,he has green eyes with brown hair. I look more like my mom
blue eyes with blond hair. I have a good figure,well at least i have been told that.
We pulled up to the new house, my mom was jumping in her seat. As she looked back at me with excited eyes.I smiled and got out of
the car and stretched my legs.My mom grabbed my arm and pulled me inside to take a look.I had to admit it was a really nice house.
It had four levels which made up for it being a puke color. The top floors had three bed rooms one would be my mom and dads and
one would be Tads. the walls were a dark blue and the master bedroom had a walk in bathroom. The main level floor had the bathroom,
Kitchen and dining room. The bathroom was green and had an old bathtub with tile around the tub walls. The kitchen had brown cupboards
With tile flooring. The dinning room had white walls with hardwood flooring.
The 3rd level was the living room, It had carpet and white walls with a pole in the middle. The basement had one bedroom which was mine.
It had carpet with white walls and a laundry room.I walked into my room to inspect it. It was bigger than Tads room.
"it will have to do"i said to my mom while she jumped with excitement.
"great! now come on we have to go help your father and Tad unload the trucks" she replied grabbing my arm and pulling me outside.
It took all day to get everything from the trucks into the house and where it was supposed to be.I went to my room and started unpacking.
Dad had already put together my bed so i put some sheets on it and my pillows.It was 10pm when i was done unpacking about half of my things
i decided to go to bed so i could get up in the morning.

My alarm went off at 7am.I got up and went into the shower.Once i got out i put on blue skinny jeans and a black tee shirt.I sat down and did my makeup
and hair like i always do.I backcombed my hair and put it in pigtails.I put on eye lined and mascara. I went downstairs and had some fruit loops before going to
school.
"good morning"tad said cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen
"morning"i said gloomy.i wasn't happy about starting at a whole new school,and having to make all new friends.I'm in the 9th grade and Tads in the 11th.
"Why so glum chum?"he said trying to lighten the mood,it didn't work cause all i did was stare at him, i didn't even bother to give an answer. We left for school
in Tads Jeep that my dad had gotten him for his 16th birthday. It was big and yellow with leather interior, which i hated because it got so cold in the winter.
We pulled up to the school and got out. People stared as we walked into the office.
"Hello you must be.....Tad and Abagail Reif, am i correct?"asked the overly nice Secretary,she had short brown hair and wore glasses.we nodded
"how did you know?"i asked
"well when you only have about 250 students its easy to keep track"she replied flashing us a smile as she handed us some papers."make sure to
get these signed by your parents and here are your schedules, i hope you have a good first day".I took the papers and put the ones that had to be signed in my backpack
and looked at my schedule, First i had Math,then L.A then gym,Social,Lunch,Bio,and drama. My math class was in room 4 with Mr.Jeffery. I looked at the
top of the page and saw my locker number and locker code on a post it note,i found my locker easily grabbed my books and walked off to
find the math room. After i had found it i walked up to the teacher and told him i was new thank god he put me in the back of the room,
but he didn't let me off that easily.
"Everyone i would like to introduce Abagail Reif, shes our new student from...?"he said standing at the front of the room looking to me for the answer to his question
"Augusta,Georgia"i answered
"i would like you all to make her feel very welcome"he said pulling out a math worksheet, He began to hand it out and i started working.I was done withing 15 minutes
but we had all class,so i just sat there looking around until someone talked to me,pulling me away from my just sitting there,
"hi,my names Tabatha"said a girl who was wearing all black I'm guessing shes goth or something.she had black hair with red streaks. and had her nose pierced,
"hi I'm-"she cut me off
"oh i know who you are, Abagail Reif, everyone knows who you are"she said shaking my hand.
"This is Tahlia,Lacy,Gage, Kade, and Nathan"she said pointing out everyone.
Tahlia has brown hair with hazel eyes,she was really tall too,and wearing all black
Lacy has Red hair with blue eyes and has a figure like a ruler, she was wearing a green top with black pants.
Gage has black hair with blue tips on his bangs, He stood about 6'1 just like Kade and Nathan. He wore a band tee shirt with black skinnys.
Kade has black hair as well,with side bangs,his,unlike gage's,had red tips,Kade and Gage were twins.
And Nathan has Dark brown hair with light brown highlights,he had pale white skin,or maybe it just looked that way because of all the black clothes he wore.
"um hi" i said suddenly feeling shy,everyone was staring at me like they were expecting me to do something extraordinary. All the guys were fit,not like bulging with muscles but
just the right amount of muscles,the girls looked like they just came off a runway, they were tall and beautiful. I suddenly felt my confidence shatter, i couldn't help but think what
i looked like next to them.
"so, Augusta, isn't that like really far?"asked Gage
"um well ya my dad got transferred here, hes a banker"i replied not looking any of them in the eyes, instead i looked down at my hands, and twiddled my thumbs
"oh that's cool,so whats your mom do?"asked Lacy
"oh shes a nurse"i replied, still looking down, i could fell their eyes burning a hole in the side of my face.
"that's really cool,do you have any siblings?"asked Tahlia
"uh yeah Tad hes in the 11th grade"i replied,i wounder why they keep asking me questions?
"Cool,so did you have a boyfriend before you moved here?"Asked Gage,I blushed a little and played with my hands.
"uhmm n-no i didn't,the boys didn't really like me because I'm too shy,i went on one date and when i didn't hold the guys hand he dumped me."it was true
i have always been the girl who took a while to warm up to people.
"Well i can see why they thought you were shy you haven't looked up at us for 5 minuets"said Tahlia,i felt my face grow hot as i looked up at them, they were all
looking at me with intense eyes,once i looked up i couldn't look down.
"There we go,now we can see those beautiful eyes"Said Gage flashing me a heart stopping smile,my heart stopped for a moment and then started racing. I didn't
know what it was about this guy that made me feel this way. I blushed and triend to look away but i couldn't their eyes held mine captive.
The rest of the day went by with them asking me questions about everything imaginable. Most of Gage's questions were about past relationships.
They all took turns putting their numbers in my phone while i put mine in theirs. Gage put himself as speed dial number 1,followed by Tabatha,Lacy,Nathan,Taliah and then Kade.
I met Tad in the parking lot after school and smiled at him as i walked up.
"hey"i said
"hey, looks like someone is happier this afternoon"he said while poking me in the ribs, i let out a yelp and hit him in the arm he knew i didn't
like to be poked in the ribs.
"well yeah i met some cool people today"i said thinking about Tabatha,Tahlia,Lacy,Gage,Kade and Nathan, and how they were so interested
in my life before i came here. I hopped into the passenger seat and thought about them. I hope we would become best friends, but if i was their friend
i would probably have to get some clothes that made me look as good as them. Or maybe i would avoid them so i wouldn't be compared to 'the
models'. I was so deep in thought, i didn't even notice when we pulled into the drive way.
"Yoohoo earth to Abby!"yelled tad in my ear, i jumped and looked at him standing by my door waiting for me to get out.
"oh what?sorry i was just thinking"i replied undoing my seat belt and jumping out of the car.
"about a boy??"Tad teased, he always teased me about boys, so i try not to let him know anything about my love life.
"whats it to ya?"i asked teasing him back
"nothing haha"said tad pushing me into the bushes and running into the house.
"TAD I SWEAR WHEN I GET UP, YOUR GOING DOWN!"i yelled after him trying to lift myself out of the bushes unsuccessfully.
Then i saw Gage and Kade walk up my driveway and look at me trying to get out of the bushes.
"uhm hi guys"i said blushing still trying to get up, i almost made it but then i realized that the back of my pants was caught,i fell
back down and they laughed and walked over.
"haha looks like you could use some help"Said Gage
"uhm yeah help would be nice, thanks....but uhhmm my pants are kinda caught on the branch..." replied blushing as they looked at each other then laughed.
Kade grabbed my hands and pulled me up, i noticed how warm his hands were. They seemed way warmer than the normal body temperature,but then again i
was kinda cold. He held me up enough so Gage could tell where my pants had caught.
"uhm the branch is caught just below ur..uhm..butt"he warned, i blushed and Kade laughed.As he unhooked me from the branch his hands got dangerously close,
i took a sharp inhales whenever he got too close for my liking, Kade looked at me laughed and shook his head. Then i was on my feet with both of them standing in front of me.
"so do you guys live around here or did you stock me?"i asked them raising my eye brows.
"haha the first, we live right across the street"Replied Kade pointing to a house that was a blue color. It was bigger than my house.
"oh cool, so um thanks for helping me there, Tad can be a jerk sometimes haha"i said blushing
"No problem, besides its not everyday Gage gets to help a girl-"Kade got cut off mid-sentence by Gage tackling him to the ground.
I started laughing and soon i was on the ground, with them wrestling next to me.
"HEY ABBY WHERE IS THE..........who are these fine young gentlemen?"my mom asked eyeing Kade and Gage, then looking at me to raise her eyebrows.
"oh uh this is Kade and Gage they live across the street, their also in my class"i said pointing them out to her.
"its nice to meet you mam"said Gage and Kade at the same time.
"oh please don't call me mam you make me feel old, call me Jacklyn"
"will do Jacklyn, i can see where Abby gets her good looks from"said Gage as Kade tried to stifle his laughter.
"well thank you Gage, it was nice meeting you too but i have got to get back to dinner, would you two like to stay?"asked my mom
"no thank you, i think my dad is taking us out"replied Kade
"oh well, your welcome here anytime"Said my mom walking back into the house
"thank you"they both said.
Gage stood up and offered me his hand,i took it and noticed that unlike his brother Kade's hand,his was almost
ice cold. When i got up i brushed off the grass and started picking it out of my hair.
"you missed some"said Gage, he reached up and took out the piece of grass"all better" he smiled at me and looked into my eyes, i
couldn't look away just like this morning. My heart rate picked up, and i swear Gage and Kade could hear it.
*cough*cough* I looked away suddenly and blushed. When i looked up, Kade was laughing and Gage was smiling and blushing.
"Anyway,Tabatha told us to invite you to her movie night"said Kade
"oh cool,wait uhm how does it work here?"i asked
"haven't you ever been to a movie night?"asked Kade
"well yes but you know, it might be different here" I replied
"true,well we all go to Tabatha's and watch a movie,then we stay over night"Kade explained
"wait what?! she has guys sleep over?! her parents let her do that?!"i asked,i was astonished, my mom would freak if i had a guy alone in the living room, even if she was in the next
room.
"well ya, were all just friends...well actually G-"Kade was again interrupted by Gage knocking him too the ground. I looked at them,Gage was on top of Kade giving him a look.Kade
then nodded and Gage got off of him.Kade looked at me then to his brother, and smiled at Gage, and it wasn't a nice smile, it was more like a mischievous smile.
They were planing something and i knew it. A moment later i couldn't feel the ground under my feet, insted i felt two strong arms holding me in a cradle position.
"hey whats going on?"i asked totally confused as to what was going on.
"we want you to meet our parents"said Gage smiling down at me, again my heart was racing and i could hear Gage laugh a tiny laugh.
"you know i could have walked"i said looking down at my hands
"yeah but then i couldn't do this,why do you keep looking down at your hands?"His question shocked me, no one had ever asked me a question like that. I didn't know how to answer
it."uhhm i-i don't know"i stuttered and blushed. When we reached his front door he put me down.He grabbed my hand and pulled me in.
"hi honey..who's this?"asked a beautiful woman. She had long flowing white hair,but not in the 'oh she must be old' way but in the 'wow shes beautiful' way, with blue eyes.
"Mom this is Abby, she just moved here from Augusta, Georgia"Said Gage as Kade stood behind us. His mom looked back at Kade and smiled.
"Hi Abby, you can call me Ada"she said smiling at me then smiling at Gage, I felt like i was missing out on something, some secret conversation that took place in their heads. I
Shook away the crazy thoughts.
"hi"i said feeling shy. Gage pulled me along into what must have been the kitchen, where i saw a tall very muscular man sitting at the table. It looked like he could snap the table using only
his index finger and thumb. He looked up and smiled.
"welcome home son, who's your friend?"he asked
"hi dad this is Abby she just moved here from Augusta, Georgia..Abby this is my dad"Said Gage, he explained where i came from like it had some meaning to it.
"Its nice to meet you Abby, you can call me Nate"he smiled at me and, like Ada looked back at Kade smiled then looked at Gage. I looked back at Kade he smiled at me.
"Dad is Penelope home?"asked Gage
"yes, shes upstairs in her room"Said Nate. Gage led me upstairs and knocked on a door.
"COME IN!!"yelled someone from inside the room.Gage opened the door and walked in.
"Penelope, this is Abby"Said Gage, this time he didn't explain where i came from
"hi Abby, I'm Penelope"she said shaking my hand.
she was very beautiful. She had Blond Hair with blue highlights, and blue eyes like the ocean, and again she looked back at Kade smiled and looked at Gage and raised her
eye brows at him."hi"i said very aware of the looks Penelope and Kade were sharing.
"do u want to go outside again?"Gage asked me
"uhh yeah sure"i said. Gage and i walked out to his backyard,it was beautiful there was a garden and a little pond in the back corner. There was also a pool and beside it was
a trampoline. Gage jumped up onto the trampoline and patted a space next to him. I tried to jump up but i couldn't, Gage chuckled and grabbed my waist and pulled me up.
"So...are you always so shy?"he asked looking into my eyes
"well uhhmm when i meet new people i kinda get scared"i said looking down. He took my chin in his cold hand and pulled it up so he could look into my eyes again.
"you know you shouldn't look down all the time,it hides your eyes"he said smiling at me. i blushed and out of habit i looked down.
"sorry its a habit"i said still blushing
"i can fix that you know"he smiled a mischievous smile and then he was on top of me smirking."every time you look down I'm going to do something totally unexpected"he said still
smirking. I looked up at him and blushed again when i noticed what this must look like. He smiled a wide smile"Why are you blushing?"
"w-well uhhmmm i-i was just thinking what this must look like to people"i said looking away from his eyes. Then his face was only about 2cm away from mine. I could feel his cold breath on my face.
what was with this guys and being cold? i noticed that his eyes were an icy blue.
"well, i think it looks like we we're about to kiss"he smirked at me, I felt my face grow hot and my heart rate sped up. I couldn't think of anything to say, with him being that close
i couldn't think straight. He laughed and looked at me with intense eyes not moving an inch closer or away.
"uhhmm are we interrupting something?"asked Kade, then i herd some people giggle. Gage slowly got and i looked at who was with Kade. It was his PARENTS!! my face grew hot
and i looked away."yeah, but we will pick up later"said Gage looking at me, my face grew even hotter.I couldn't believe he said that with his parents standing right there.
"OK, well until then, your dad got called into work and Jessica wants me to come over to help her with a project, so we cant go out for supper, I'm so sorry boys I'll see you later"she
called after them and walked out the front door.
"well I'll leave you too alone to finish off what i walked in on"teased Kade, i blushed and looked down. Next Gage was on top of me again 2cm away.
"Stop looking down...please"Gage whispered in my ear, i shivered and he smiled then got up.
"we should get you home i bet you mom is wondering where u ran off to"he smiled hopping down off the trampoline and turning towards me. He put his hands on my waist,and again
the heart rate sped up. He helped me down, i tripped and fell into him, he smelled like the rain. I loved the rain. He caught me and smiled then took my hand and walked me home.
When we got to my door, he gave me a hug and said good bye. I walked into my house and up to my room.
I thought about Gage, did i really like him? I couldn't i have only known him for like a day, whats going on with me?, this isn't like me...
Last edited by Justine-Rock on Fri Jan 30, 2009 6:32 am, edited 1 time in total.




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First off I think you've got a good start here. There are parts that need reworking. Can you tell me about her life with out using the long catalogues? Catalogues are alright especially if you are good with adjectives but too many or too much can come across as monotonous to your readers.
You have definitely started to build a character, and that's great! But I think you need to consider how people in real life work, we can not be summed up easily. There are certainly words that we use to describe our own individuality, but our characters truly are so complex and so deep that you could never fully understand or describe them. Please try making your characters like that.
Thirdly try running this through a word processor because it is loaded with simple mistakes, they are very easy to fix and when you do it will make your masterpiece shine!

As I said before, you have a great start and I feel like this could become something big! But you'll need to spend a lot more time and put a lot more care into it. Please do keep writing you have potential!




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My corrections are in bold.

Justine-Rock wrote:A new day, new house, new everything. My name is Abagail, but my friends (now old friends), call me Abby. I moved from Augusta, Georgia in the U.S to Bashaw, Alberta in Canada. My dad got transferred to Canada - I'll never know why.
Bashaw has a population of 868 people total. It's really flat and has a small forest near by. The school's name is Bashaw School(original, no?). It's grades are K-12. The school has 255 students total. I start tomorrow.
My dad's
name is Steve. He works as a banker. He and my mom, Jacklyn, have been together for 10 years now. My mom is a nurse. She works with Capital Care. My brother, Tad, looks like my dad. He has green eyes with brown hair. I look more like my mom - blue eyes with blond hair. I have a good figure - at least, I've been told that.
We pulled up to the new house, my mom jumping in her seat. She looked back at me with excited eyes. I smiled before getting out of the car to stretch my legs. My mom grabbed my arm and pulled me inside to take a look.
I
had to admit it was a really nice house. It had four levels which made up for it being a puke color. The top floors had three bedrooms - one would be my mom and dad's andone would be Tad's. The walls were a dark blue and the master bedroom had a walk-in bathroom. The main level floor had the bathroom, kitchen and dining room.


Okay, I'll stop there.
Firstly, your grammar and punctuation = atrocious.
Secondly, it was unintriguing because you spent too much time describing, too much time telling. It is from your POV, si? Well, stop telling us what's here and there, stop telling us about your family.
Okay, I'm not making much sense. Let me illustrate my point:

My dad's name is Steve. He works as a banker. He and my mom, Jacklyn, have been together for 10 years now. My mom is a nurse. She works with Capital Care. My brother, Tad, looks like my dad. He has green eyes with brown hair. I look more like my mom - blue eyes with blond hair.


Or, perhaps,

It had four levels which made up for it being a puke color. The top floors had three bedrooms - one would be my mom and dad's and one would be Tad's. The walls were a dark blue and the master bedroom had a walk-in bathroom. The main level floor had the bathroom, kitchen and dining room.


Yawn. It's boring. You aren't doing anything, just telling.

We pulled up to the new house, my mom was jumping in her seat. As she looked back at me with excited eyes.I smiled and got out of
the car and stretched my legs.My mom grabbed my arm and pulled me inside to take a look.I had to admit it was a really nice house.


Now this is a bit more exciting(or, rather, it would be, if the punctuation was proper). Just don't repeat and punctuate properly.

Back to my first point. Proof read. Your story needs a LOT of work in that area. Capitals are the proper way to start a sentence. "ill" should be "I'll", unless you mean "sick". I'll review the rest of your story when you punctuate everything - I'm sure it'll be a pleasure to read then, instead of a headache. Oh, yes, and when you do two reviews of other people's work. The 2:1 ratio, you know.

Hope I helped!

Cheers,
Lily.
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