Phoenix Saga Chapter 1 Ethan Tucker

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Chapter 1
Ethan Tucker

This is a small chapter from the novel I'm currently editing.



Ethan watched the skater’s wheel around performing as many tricks as they could, and boys that sprayed their girlfriends with water forcing them to run screaming. He watched, feeling glad that it was the last day of school, but not for the same reasons the other students of Tanner Middle School had. He had been to so many different schools that each one became less and less interesting to him. All the kids sat outside signing yearbooks, and eating from the buffet table that the teachers had set up for the picnic. Everyone broke off into their various clicks and talked about what they planned on doing for the summer. The teachers didn’t even bother to reinforce any rules for this was the last day of school!
All the eighth graders sat at a separate picnic table most of them surrounding Ethan, they wanting him to sign their yearbook. He was popular, even though he had only been going to the school for the last nine weeks. Despite his short time at the school he had made plenty of friends. After his third move he had given up dating. He had hurt two girls that way and he didn’t want to do that again. No matter how many girls threw them selves at Ethan, he kept his promise.
He didn’t see any point of putting down any roots in one place. He had been shipped from foster home to foster home, and he didn’t expect that his current one would last long.
Veronica Daniels sat closest to him. She had long red hair and was surprisingly well developed for her age. She had a perfect curve to her body. Her eyes were round and chocolate brown and she had a pair of full pouty lips that every guy wanted to kiss. She was fiercely scribbling in his yearbook, but even if he were dating it wouldn’t be with her. She was way too superficial. She was the cheerleader captain, and class president. The most popular girl in school, and what made it worse was that she knew it, and wouldn’t let anyone forget.
“Here you go ET.” Ethan hated his nickname, but he didn’t want to upset her by telling her the truth. He was sure that if he hadn’t been so popular he would have been made fun of for the alien initials. He wrote H.A.K.A.S into her yearbook. He signed his name and passed it back to her while taking his back.
He had a bad feeling about this. He was worried about what kind of letter she had written, she had been writing for far too long.
He opened his book flipping to the last page. Her message took up the whole page written in her usual exaggerated flowery hand writing.
She pouted at the short abbreviation. “Have a kick ass summer. Is that all you can say?”
“It’s all I could think of, I’m not good with words.” This wasn’t particularly true he was actually quite good at writing, and frequently wrote poetry, but Veronica was to shallow to know such a deep part of him. She only saw surfaces. He began to put his yearbook away in his binder, but she grabbed his arm like vise her nails dug into his skin.
Ethan cringed back a little, sometimes Veronica scared him. It was like there were two Veronica's. The superficial cheerleader that fussed over a broken nail and the fierce red head that he was sure could beat him up if she wanted to.
“Read it now”. She demanded.
Reluctantly he began to read trying to decipher her cursive. He tried to ignore the fact that Veronica was pushing her arms up his sleeve and rubbing his arm efficiently.

Just because it’s summer ET doesn’t mean we have to be apart. In fact I plan on spending as much time with you as possible. We can go to the beach watch the sunset, it will be so romantic. I’m so happy you came to our school. I’m the prettiest girl in school and you’re the cutest boy in school so it only makes sense that we get together. It would make me very happy to be your girlfriend. I’m not used to being the one asking but, please go on a date with me. Go to the movies and dinner that’s all I’m asking. Then you’ll see we were meant for each other. Destiny has brought us together. Why mess with fate. I wish you would open up to me I can tell you’re a wounded puppy inside and I want to mend your broken soul. I could nurse your heart back to normal I promise. Stop being so secretive, I’ve told you my deepest secrets. Like how I used to be fat and I was made fun of every day for most of my elementary life. Remember when we first met, you got out of the car and asked me which way room 45 was at. You said that day that you liked the name Veronica we could rule high school as queen and king no one would be able to deny our power. I don’t mean to be clingy, I’m not that kind of girl but your special ET you’re very special. And I won’t allow such a wonderful boy to slip through my fingers. I’ve noticed you depressed a lot I can make you happy. I can fill you life with beauty and magic. I want you because you’re special. I love you I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you. Soon you’ll see you love me too. I will have you one way or another. I don’t mean to sound spoiled or like a bitch witch I’m sure lots of people call me behind my back. It’s not my fault I’m better them in every way. Nor is it my fault that I’m used to getting what I want. I Want you and I’m not about to change my M.O now so be cooperative and love me like I love you.
LOVE VERONICA,



PS IF WE EVER GET SEPARATED I PROMISE THAT FATE WILL BRING US BACK TOGETHER.

He doubted she really loved him. She loved the idea of him, just another trophy for her to show off. She got everything she wanted except for Ethan. This irritated her and made her try to get him even more. She wasn’t used to being rejected. This was apparent from all the broken hearted boys that slumped around school.
He looked over at her, a little irritated, forcing a smile. Of course she didn’t notice his irritation because Veronica was extremely unobservant, and was horrible at reading people. It was probably why she cared so little for other peoples feelings. If she had any sense of other peoples emotions she would realize that he had no interest in her, and she would stop wasting her time.
“Veronica lets talk.” he didn’t want to embarrass her in front of all of their friends, so he got up, and she trailed behind smiling. The table made whistling and smooching noises as they left. He took her behind the huge school mascot of the Ox statue hiding from everyone’s view.
“Veronica I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just being realistic-the chances of me moving are too great to get involved with anyone.” In all honesty he wouldn’t have gone out with Veronica even if he didn’t fear moving. She was far too shallow, and there was something about her that he couldn’t put his finger on.
“Why would you move?” She asked inching closer to him.
He didn’t like how close she was getting, and it could just be his imagination but her tone sounded a little more curious then it should be. He disregarded it as mild paranoia. She just didn’t want to see her prize leave before she could win it.
“It doesn’t matter I just don’t think it wise to get involved with anyone, nothing personal. I promise.”
She looked confused as if she didn’t understand what he was saying. “So you’re rejecting me definitely,” she looked horror struck. Her face froze in an eerie smile. “Have you experienced any recent changes today?”
“What like puberty,” he couldn’t understand why she was asking this.
“Like that I suppose but, I meant special changes,” she said obviously amused.
“No… can’t say that I have,” he said aware of the fact that she had scooted even closer. Now he could fully smell her cherry perfume, and he could count her eyelashes.
“Never mind then” She grabbed him with surprising strength and pushed her lips to his. He pushed her away quickly.
“What are you doing?” He wiped of his lips with the back of his hand.
“A good- bye kiss,” she clarified. Not seeming to care that he had once again rejected her advances. She strode away with a smile. She knew something. There was no doubt in Ethan’s mind.
He walked back to the table, but Veronica was gone. Where could she have gone? He wondered deflecting the questions that bombarded him when he sat down. He waited for the bell to ring to end free period so he could just get to his last class. To his relief the bell rang, quickly getting up he fast walked to his final class for the year, avoiding anymore questions about Veronica and him.
Last edited by PhoenixBishop on Wed Apr 14, 2010 6:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I really liked the descriptions of the characters.




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Hey, Amon!

This was really good.

Just a few nit-picks:

Ethan watched the skater’s wheel around performing as many tricks as they could, and boys that sprayed their girlfriends with water forcing them to run screaming.


Change "skater's" to "skaters"; they aren't possessing anything.
Change "and boys that sprayed" to "and boys that were spraying..."

broke off into their various clicks


When you want it to mean "a small, selective group", the word is clique.

they wanting him to sign their yearbook.



This makes absolutely no sense.
I would rewrite as "...all of them shoving their yearbooks into his face obnoxiously." or something like that.

He had been shipped from foster home to foster home, and he didn’t expect that his current one would last long.


Foster child? A bit cliche, really. Unless it is super important to your story to have him live in a foster home, I would take this out. It makes people roll their eyes.

It was like there were two Veronica's


Take out the apostrophe.

Just because it’s summer ET doesn’t mean we have to be apart. In fact I plan on spending as much time with you as possible. We can go to the beach watch the sunset, it will be so romantic. I’m so happy you came to our school. I’m the prettiest girl in school and you’re the cutest boy in school so it only makes sense that we get together. It would make me very happy to be your girlfriend. I’m not used to being the one asking but, please go on a date with me. Go to the movies and dinner that’s all I’m asking. Then you’ll see we were meant for each other. Destiny has brought us together. Why mess with fate. I wish you would open up to me I can tell you’re a wounded puppy inside and I want to mend your broken soul. I could nurse your heart back to normal I promise. Stop being so secretive, I’ve told you my deepest secrets. Like how I used to be fat and I was made fun of every day for most of my elementary life. Remember when we first met, you got out of the car and asked me which way room 45 was at. You said that day that you liked the name Veronica we could rule high school as queen and king no one would be able to deny our power. I don’t mean to be clingy, I’m not that kind of girl but your special ET you’re very special. And I won’t allow such a wonderful boy to slip through my fingers. I’ve noticed you depressed a lot I can make you happy. I can fill you life with beauty and magic. I want you because you’re special. I love you I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you. Soon you’ll see you love me too. I will have you one way or another. I don’t mean to sound spoiled or like a bitch witch I’m sure lots of people call me behind my back. It’s not my fault I’m better them in every way. Nor is it my fault that I’m used to getting what I want. I Want you and I’m not about to change my M.O now so be cooperative and love me like I love you.
LOVE VERONICA,



PS IF WE EVER GET SEPARATED I PROMISE THAT FATE WILL BRING US BACK TOGETHER.


Put this in italics. There are also many grammatical errors in here, but I didn't fix them because it was a note.

Veronica lets talk.”


Comma after Veronica.

Veronica I’m not


Comma after Veronica.

“Why would you move?” She asked


De-capitalize she.

All in all, this was very good. I would definitely read more.

I get this weird feeling that Veronica is a succubus or something. :)

Hope this helped,
~~Sakura~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Ahhh, another masterpeice.....sorta. I personally loved the chapter.

I won't do the grammer because looks like Haruno got em all.

So i'll go on content.


First- I like how you made the main character very deep, just be careful to not show too much of him. Keep the reader guessing about what kind of character he is.


Second- This is only if you mean't to end it with a cliffhanger- It was a little shallow, could use a little more mystery...Only if it was a cliffhanger, if it wasn't then it was a great ending.

Third- I liked how you stated the fact that the girl was shallow, and her reactions showed it.

Finally- I would just lengthen the descriptions of the characters, and try not to rush. you told us right away that he was the cutest boy in school, it would have been nice to lengthen the description.

Overall- I loved it. I wan't to read more, besides the few grammar errors, your fine.

Question- Is this a fantasy?
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed




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Hey Amon! Frist off, great story. At first, it seemed a bit cliche but the whole thing with Veronica fixed that and really captured my attention. Plus, the whole creepy ending with her made me want to read on pretty badly :3

Anyway, on to the things I notcied:

As far as grammar goes, it looks like Sakura got the majority of that so I won't go into it. (I'm lousy at it anyway X3) I did notice a few others but I quick re-read should let you find them. There were quite a few, so keep an eye out. Deifyance seems to have gotten the content as well, but I'll give you my opinions on that anyway k?

First:
I liked how you introduced Veronica. She reminded me soo much of this one girl at my own school that I found it really easy to picture her. The part about the red hair made me laugh ( i'm a red head :3) and I thought the cherry perfume was a nice side-note.
One thing I will say is that you repeatedly called her shallow. I get why, but it got just a little bit repetitive. I'd nix any of them after the first time and let her personality do the talking for you, but if you want to keep them in for empahsis I'd replace them with some good synonyms.

Second:
Though the part at the end hinted at something unusual, this whole thing seemed father...flat. I really couldn't feel that much fantasy in here until Veronicas question about changes, and even then it was just a slight hint. The first part of any story has to be gripping; it has to interesting enough to draw the readers in and make them want to read more. Otherwise, they'll just move on to something else. This, personally, is one of my own problems, so I know how difficult it can be to fix it. For me, the suspense of this piece didn't quite kick in until Veronica's note (which, on a good note, was very creepy and stalkerish :3) My suggestion to fix that would be bring out some of the fantasy you plan on putting in here. Just a few more sly mentions or clues that this is indeed a fantasy and not some story about an average guy and his eerie stalker.

Third:
Some more description would be nice. To be honest, I couldn't picture anything really aside from Victoria and a bunch of kids running around. Describe the courtyard some more. What's it like? What are the colors? How big is it? Cement or grass? Smells? That sort of stuff.

And that's about it. Sorry if this was too short and not much help, but most of what I saw has been covered already. Anyway, I hope you got something out of this :3




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i really liked it, it gave me a combo of feelings, which i usually do not get from a book. It made me laugh, it made me a bit, a bit, sad, gave me a viv of mystery, left me wanting more and more of it and i will be reading your next one and hope it stays like this.
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Hello Amon.
I felt the need to review one of your works. I can't review stories that well, namely because I overall prefer poetry. But here's my basic thinking after reading this.

I can't do all the grammar stuff but Haruno got it all it looks like.

Very different writing style. I mean from the rest of your writing. Interesting.

1. The Letter From Veronica
It sounded very unrealistic no offense. Being an eighth grader myself I would say that no one would randomly write something like this. It would be more subtle. Not the whole shabang if you know what I'm saying. Try to think like a girl, (I know, I'm asking a lot,) but honestly. Make the note more stylistic. Make it seem like a cheerleader wrote it.

2. The Main Character

ET eh? If he's supposed to be "popular" his rank would immediately force back any negative light, or anything he wouldn't want.

Make him a bit geekier for this ego to fit.

3. The Content
This was a bit mysterious. But it wasn't like magical mysterious. It read to me like just a teenage drama story.

4. The Plot As Coralie Comprehended It

A. Boy is popular but doesn't want to date ever again
B. Last day of school.
C. Girl=Veronica. Attractive and popular. Does not attract ET however.
D. Girl gives Boy a sweet little letter.
E. Puberty strikes
F. Girl disappears.

Give it more details, the girl seems like the stereotypical popular girl. Hmph.

Alrighty! Done ripping apart your story! :D

Wait! Just Joking.
Overall it was a a good beginning that didn't pull me in. I would have begun reading it and then decided that this was a typical love story and not wasted any time reading more. The end wasn't much of a pull. She was gone. But that happens in stories all the time!

Give it more depth, more mystery (it being a mystery,) more detail, and more grip.

Really done now.

So, please try to fix this.
I'm being so mean to you right now. Sorry, but I honestly think that adding this stuff would help.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
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~ The Little Prince~




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A piece like this conflicts with two characters from which the reader has no background. Their is no tension between the two and V's advances are just unnatural and a little bit scary. To also bring up this matter on the last day of school goes against reason. If she had any real intention of grabbing onto him, it would have been before high school options were made and before a long three month breath from which many relationships die.

I got my girl after 12th, but only because of a complex situation and I knew her for three years very very closely. There was no last day of school tension or anything like that, but we only hooked up during break before college and after we learned we were going to the same school. So take my anecdote and think what you will, but V's behavior was so outlandish and terrifying that she comes off dangerous at this point in the story.

Also the changes bit, I thought she was asking if he was gay and rejecting her because of it. Which is a bit odd considering she'd ask about puberty before another girl.

Also.. that message. WALL OF TEXT. How'd she write that so quick? Why is it a long rant? Why o why would anyone write someone so revealing in a yearbook which is bound to be passed around during signing? Couldn't this whole situation been resolved by sticking a post-it in with a regular message for him to read? Sorry to sound harsh, but I thought I was reading a life history.




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In order to understand this you must understand Veronica. There is much more to her then meets the eye. All of this is really her overacting if you will. I meant her to be over the top. It's tru I have to give beter hints. To me I already know their backstory and future so their actions here make sense, but now that I look at it I see that from an outsiders perspective it is a bit odd.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~



Excuse me I have never *lied* about a character I just don't tell the truth
— AceassinOfTheMoon