Redemption - Prologue/Chapter 1

Hi! This isn't quite an experimental story though I've never written fantasy before. From the Prologue/Chapter 1 (haven't decided yet) you can't really tell its fantasy except for one line. I will add some other things (i.e. instead of saying moon, say the "white cookie" or something like that..) to make it sound more "other worldly". Sorry, its a little long.

Prologue/Chapter 1

“Darn you, woman!” A man—a monster—stormed his way up the stairs and yelled to his property.
“Coming, darling. I’m coming.” A woman’s voice replied loudly to make sure her owner could hear her no matter what. Who knows what the consequences of an unanswered command could be. She hurried down the hall towards the stairwell.
“Do you know what time it is?”
“It’s nearly seven o’ clock sir.”
There was a pause.
“AND, what time is that?”
“It’s…”
“Spit it out, woman!”
“I don’t know.” She looked up at her owner with swollen eyes still healing from its last defeat in battle. They told a tale of fear and terror. They held a spirit of defiance.
“You know darn well, Matthew.” She inhaled deeply knowing all-too-well what this would get her. “So why ask.”
The man looked back at her with red fiery eyes. They told a tale of power and control. They held the spirit of a rock.
“Fine. I’ll gladly show you what time it is. I’ll give you an education you’ll never forget.”
The monster balled his hand into a bullet and got ready to aim.

…………

Daddy always told me to stand up for myself. That’s pretty much all he told me or all that he had time for to tell me. Daddy was all ways busy with something. His career as one of those fire men was so time consuming that it nearly consumed all the time that was supposed to be spent with his only daughter. So, whenever I do get a chance to be with him, I cherished it greatly. I will never forget the time when Daddy said that his whole day was going to be dedicated to me. I was stunned or more exactly excited. I remember squealing as he sat me on his lap.
“Wanna hear a story, Mattie?”
“Would you really? Oh, please, Daddy. Pretty please?”
“With a cherry on top?” He chuckled.
“Of course, Daddy!”“Well ok. One day there was this boy and a bully.”
That’s how it went and from then on, I was hooked. Not only was Daddy a good life saver, he was a great story-teller.
“The End.” Daddy looked at me and smiled.
“That’s it? That’s how it ends?
“That’s how it ends. The boy stands up to the bully and the bully stops bullying the boy.”
“A happy ending, right Daddy?”
“That’s right Mattie. That’s right.”
Oh, how the memories plague me. They plague me more than…more than me and my one situation. The scene plays over and over in my mind and the same question pop up: “If that boy had a happy ending, why can’t I have one?” Of course, the boy’s struggles were simply a first school matter; my struggles (in a mild sense) could effect my own being here on the planet.

Oh, no, the baby’s crying again. He needs his mother. He needs his father. Or does he? Maybe he needs someone else. Someone more suited to parenting. Someone who isn’t hit every night…

Yes, that’s it. I will take my only child out of here. No, both of us. My boy and I will flee together out of this madness. I don’t want my baby boy hurt like I am.

………….

The butter churn was heavy and my arms were starting to ache but I had to get my boy to safety. It was pitch dark and I didn’t know exactly where I was going. But I did know of another village several miles away on the other side of Falls Wood. Matthew never let me out past the forest by myself so no one knew of me there. It was a perfect place to make a new life for me and my baby. The exact plan wasn’t very well thought out but I was desperate. Once in awhile, my baby would cry and I would put my hand in the butter churn and run my hands through his hair to calm him down again. I chose to put him in a butter churn with some cloth for protection; it was the only thing that I could find that could withstand the situation of our journey. Safety was key.

………..

I remember my heart running as fast as the cheetah, an animal on the mythical planet Earth. I could hear Matthew. I could hear his voice. He was following me.
“I know you’re out here, you devil’s daughter!”
Leaves crunched in the distance as a predator stalked his prey.
“You better come out here, this instance or God so help me—.”
His voice rang in my head as I kept going deeper and deeper into the forest, the moon was my only source of light. He knew where I was so essentially I was defeated once again. But then, I saw the thing in the distance. Refuge.

The thing was a building of some type right in the middle of the woods. There was a small clearing a few feet’s radius from the front steps of the building. I couldn’t make out specific descriptions of it in the darkness but I could see metallic double doors shimmering in the night. My mind raced, praying that I could out run Matthew, the doors would be unlocked, and that I could close the doors just in time to lock Matthew out. Lock him out of my life. Though, I knew it would be and was risky. Too risky. Judging from the loudness of the leaves crunching, Matthew couldn’t have been more than a few yards away.

Nevertheless, I bolted as fast as I could towards the doors, dodging trees right and left, careful to keep the butter churn close to my chest. As I reached the clearing, I heard Matthew’s voice, sending an electric pulse down my spine. Sweat dripped down my forehead and my fingers went numb as they held my baby boy.
“I see you, you know. You can’t hide now, woman.”
It was true. I could still hear leaves crunching so Matthew hadn’t reached the clearing yet. I still had time.
I finally got to the doors but my blood went cold.
It was locked. I was dead meat. Matthew laughed.
“Nowhere to go, huh?”
It was an evil laugh but I still had a feat to pull off before I was to be dragged back to be battered for the millionth time in my life. There was a corner on the side of the doors that I could place my baby safe inside the butter churn. Placing it close to my chest so Matthew couldn’t see, I leaned down to softly place down on the ground. The darkness covered up the butter churn’s hiding place.

As I lifted myself from the ground, I felt a strong grip on my arm as the monster twisted it around, forcing me to look him in the eye.
“What are you doing down there?”
I stood up straight to hide my terror of him finding out that I was holding a butter churn filled with our baby. My baby.
“Humph. Doesn’t matter does it? You’re back where you started, hun.” He laughed softly, his emerald green eyes piercing my soul. Matthew suddenly grabbed my jaw, swinging me only a few inches from his lips so I could smell his putrid breath.
“And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
And I couldn’t but I knew one thing for sure. My baby boy would no longer live in a household with a monster. Though, I would never even think of what he did come to live with.

OK I liked your writing and your storyline, but I think you changed scenes a little too fast and you didn't give that much of a back story. you need to slow down a bit. also your diologes gets confusing at times because even though there are only two people you still need to say who's talking every once and a while. your grammar was good just a few minor problems that you can easily go back and fix when you review it. the one thing I did notice about your grammar though is that your missing coma's before every "but'" you have. overall it was a pretty awesome story and I can't wait to read more.

Hello, thefireinmeisJC! I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today.

Who knows what the consequences of an unanswered command could be

Knows is present tense. Change it to knew.

its last defeat in battle

This sounds weird. I know what your getting at, but an eye being defeated? I don't like it that much, sorry.

They told a tale

You use this twice to describe eyes. Nix one of the uses of it.

time for to tell me.

Take out for.

His career as one of those fire men was so time consuming that it nearly consumed all the time that was supposed to be spent with his only daughter.

Remove "as on of those". It just takes up space ^_^

So, whenever I do get a chance to be with him, I cherished it greatly.

Do is in the present tense. Change it to did.

With a cherry on top?” He chuckled.

De-capitalize he.

“Of course, Daddy!”“Well ok. One day there was this boy and a bully.”

When the father begins speaking, begins a new paragraph. Also, spell out the word "okay."

“The End.”

De-capitalize end.

more than me and my one situation.

What is your situation. Perhaps Mattie knows, but the reader does not.

Oh, no, the baby’s crying again. He needs his mother. He needs his father. Or does he? Maybe he needs someone else. Someone more suited to parenting. Someone who isn’t hit every night…
Yes, that’s it. I will take my only child out of here. No, both of us. My boy and I will flee together out of this madness. I don’t want my baby boy hurt like I am.

Oh, so the story is in the present tense. Could you please make it clear that the passage between Mattie and her Father was a flashback?

This was very good.

I hope this helped,
Sakura

*blink*

Wow. This was good. I'll admit I was expecting some angsty story from the first few lines, but this actually turned out really good. I cared about the woman and the baby (the butter churn was just brilliant).

“Darn you, woman!”

It seems to me here that you are trying to have your characters swear but sort of keep it clean. However, the sanitizing makes the dialogue come off kind of campy. Matthew doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who would say "darn it". He'd swear himself silly and earn a washing out with soap. I don't like swearing, but in keeping with the realism of a character, I make my characters swear sometimes. If you're not comfortable with that, just sort of skim over it. Maybe have something like.

'A man's voice rattled the house as he called out.

"Woman!" he bellowed, and then fired off a barrage of curses.'

See? He's swearing, but you're not being specific. This kind of thing can be too vague sometimes though and can also come off, so consider loosening up a little and letting a swear word or two slip in if it is appropriate to the character and situation. Just a thought.

Who knows what the consequences of an unanswered command could be.

It doesn't seem like the man commanded anything, he just cursed her. Perhaps have him say something like "come here" or whatever, to make it clear that is what he wants.

“You know darn well, Matthew.” She inhaled deeply knowing all-too-well what this would get her. “So why ask.”

Okay, the line before, she said that she doesn't know. But here, it sounds as if she does know and she is throwing her lack of willing answer in his face. Perhaps add "But" in front of the first sentence, so that it is clear that she is saying she doesn't know, but he does, thus why is he asking her?

Also, "ask" should have a question mark after it, since that is a question.

from its last defeat in battle

"Its" is singular, while I think you are talking about her eyes, which are plural. I'd change that to "their," thought that still doesn't make an incredible amount of sense. Perhaps "her last defeat in battle" would be best.

And on that note, I loved the descriptions of the two's eyes.

“Of course, Daddy!”“Well ok. One day there was this boy and a bully.”

You need to bump the dad's dialogue into a paragraph of it's own. Also, the use of "okay" (the proper spelling in formal writing) seems a little oddly modern, considering this story feels like it is set in the sort of Dark Ages setting of many fantasy novels. Is this the actual setting? Perhaps another alternative, such as "all right"?

“Wanna hear a story, Mattie?”

“The End.” Daddy looked at me and smiled.

You have both of these lines in italics in the text, and I can't really see any rhyme or reason for it. I'd just get rid of the italics there and leave them as plain text.

my struggles (in a mild sense) could effect

The parentheses seem a little out of place, considering this is the only place you use them in the entire story. Perhaps just set off the text in the parentheses with commas and all should be well. Also, "effect" should be "affect". "Affect" is a verb, while "effect" is a noun. Things that affect you have an effect on you.

Though, I would never even think of what he did come to live with.

This sentence really confused me. I really wasn't sure what it meant at all.

Anyway, overall, this story was smashing. I'm intrigued and want to know what the way out of this situation will be. This isn't Earth, so I'm going to assume that somehow the kid is going to end up on Earth. Amirite?

Really, great stuff. Keep on writing and PM when you post more. Looking forward to reading the rest!

~GryphonFledgling

Gah, I was working on my review for this, but the idiots at my house turned off our router box, eliminating my Internet access. So people have beaten me to reviewing first They've probably already pointed out most of this, but oh well. I'll just be repetitive then

------

Okay, nitpicks first

“Darn you, woman!” a man—a monster—stormed his way up the stairs and yelled to his property.

Don't capitalise the "A"

“Coming, darling. I’m coming.” a woman’s voice replied loudly to make sure her owner could hear her no matter what.

Once again, don't capitalise A. When you have a quote with "~~~ said" (and all things similar) after it, you never capitalise the word, unless it's someone's name, obviously. This is because the entire sentence, both dialogue and no, is one complete sentence. You wouldn't capitalise a random word in the middle of a sentence, would you?

Who knows what the consequences of an unanswered command could be?

Question mark instead. Technically, it is a question.

“It’s nearly seven o’ clock sir.”

"o'clock" It's one word.

“I don’t know.” She looked up at her owner with swollen eyes still healing from its last defeat in battle.

Nothing wrong here - I just wanted to point something out. In this case "She" should be capitalised because "I don't know." is a sentence alone (note the period), so "She looked up" begins the new sentence. Just making sure you wouldn't lowercase "She" here by accident.

“So why ask?”

It's a question, so place a question mark.

The monster balled his hand into a bullet and got ready to aim.

Into a bullet? Did he morph it into a bullet-shaped object, or did he just make a really tight fist? Lol, only joking (sort of). It just confused me for a moment.

Daddy was all ways busy with something.

The word you're going for here is "always". "All ways" would mean "every option", lol

His career as one of those fire men was so time consuming that it nearly consumed all the time that was supposed to be spent with his only daughter.

First, the word is "firemen," the plural of "fireman."

Second, I get the impression that the narrator here is rather young. All of the Daddy's and then "as one of those firemen" as examples. I think "His career as a fireman was so..." sounds a little better, but if the narrator is young and you're showing it through her words - which is what I assume - then it's fine the way it is (and what a good idea to express her age at that).

Third, I wouldn't use "consume" twice so closely like that, but once again, if you're doing it to show the narrator's inexperience with words, it's fine

“Wanna hear a story, Mattie?”

“Would you really? Oh, please, Daddy. Pretty please?”

“With a cherry on top?” He chuckled.

“Of course, Daddy!”“Well ok. One day there was this boy and a bully.”

That’s how it went and from then on, I was hooked. Not only was Daddy a good life saver, he was a great story-teller.

“The End.” Daddy looked at me and smiled.

Why are just those parts italicized? That threw me off when I read it.

Also, you combined lines in blue. Line break after the first quote.

Lastly, there are two ways to write "okay". OK and okay. If you use "ok" you need to put it in all caps.

“That’s it? That’s how it ends?

You need an ending quotation.

“That’s how it ends. The boy stands up to the bully, and the bully stops bullying the boy.”

Comma where indicated - it's a compound sentence.

“A happy ending, right, Daddy?”

Comma where indicated - direct address.

“That’s right, Mattie. That’s right.”

Comma where indicated - direct address.

“Wanna hear a story, Mattie?”

“Would you really? Oh, please, Daddy. Pretty please?”

“With a cherry on top?” He chuckled.

“Of course, Daddy!”“Well ok. One day there was this boy and a bully.”

That’s how it went and from then on, I was hooked. Not only was Daddy a good life saver, he was a great story-teller.

“The End.” Daddy looked at me and smiled.

“That’s it? That’s how it ends?

“That’s how it ends. The boy stands up to the bully and the bully stops bullying the boy.”

“A happy ending, right Daddy?”

“That’s right Mattie. That’s right.”

Although it's easy to keep up with who is saying what, you should put in a "he said" or a "she responded" every once in a while so the reader doesn't start getting people's lines mixed up.

The scene plays over and over in my mind, and the same question pop up:

Comma where indicated - compound sentence.

The butter churn was heavy, and my arms were starting to ache, but I had to get my boy to safety. It was pitch dark, and I didn’t know exactly where I was going. But I did know of another village several miles away on the other side of Falls Wood. Matthew never let me out past the forest by myself, so no one knew of me there. It was a perfect place to make a new life for me and my baby. The exact plan wasn’t very well thought out, but I was desperate. Once in awhile, my baby would cry, and I would put my hand in the butter churn and run my hands through his hair to calm him down again. I chose to put him in a butter churn with some cloth for protection; it was the only thing that I could find that could withstand the situation of our journey. Safety was key.

Commas where indicated - compound sentences. You make this mistake a lot. Until you can place your commas in there properly on the first run-through, I suggest not using compound sentences as much as you do.

Also, you jumped from present tense in the previous paragraph to past tense here. Was that on purpose? It's a little confusing; I'm not sure if the events are currently happening or if you're reviewing the events.

“You better come out here, this instance or God so help me—.”

Don't put the period at the end, just let it be dash, then quotation mark. That shows the abrupt stop better. Also, "instance" needs to be "instant." "Instance" is synonomous for "example". "Instant" is "this moment".

His voice rang in my head as I kept going deeper and deeper into the forest; the moon was my only source of light. He knew where I was [s]so[/s]. I was essentially defeated once again.

Semicolon instead of a comma. Instead of trying to compound every single sentence, which you try to do, you can just separate them into two sentences. Also, "I was essentially defeated once again," sounds a little better to me than, "Essentially I was defeated once again." It might just be my opinion - your story after all - but I always put the adverb next to the verb if possible. Flows better.

The thing was a building of some type right in the middle of the woods.

Try "It" here instead of "the thing". Not only did you use that in the previous sentence, "thing" is a word to avoid in writing, lol.

I couldn’t make out specific descriptions of it in the darkness, but I could see metallic double doors shimmering in the night.

Must I say it?

Though, I knew it would be and was risky.

I get what you mean here, but it's repetitive. "I knew it would be risky." "I knew it was risky." In this case, it's the same thing. Just pick one.

Sweat dripped down my forehead, and my fingers went numb as they held my baby boy.

...

I could still hear leaves crunching so Matthew hadn’t reached the clearing yet.

"So" is really overused as a conjunction these days. It even made the "list of repetitive words" on some writer's website, lol. I suggest just making it two sentences.

It was an evil laugh, but I still had a feat to pull off before I was to be dragged back to be battered for the millionth time in my life.

...

I stood up straight to hide my terror of him finding out that I was holding a butter churn filled with our baby.

Personally, I think it's perfect the way it is, but technically "him finding out" should be "his finding out." "...finding out that..." is a gerund phrase which acts like a noun. Matthew "owns" this action, so it should show his possessiveness. Choose whichever way you want it; like I said, it obviously reads fine the way it is

And I couldn’t, but I knew one thing for sure.

...

They told a tale of fear and terror. They held a spirit of defiance.
...
They told a tale of power and control. They held the spirit of a rock.

I like that contrast


---

I think everything before the first set of dots could be prologue and then the rest be chapter one (or at least part of it), like I'm sure you were thinking about.

Okay, first - this is amazing. Compound sentences hate you though, Just remember to put in your commas - they're just punctuation; the story itself is great. You could add in a little more suspense in places, but it keeps you wondering what's going to happen next. I know I'm curious to find out what happens to the characters =]

Let me know when the next part is up

" “I don’t know.” She looked up at her owner with swollen eyes still healing from its last defeat in battle. They told a tale of fear and terror. They held a spirit of defiance. "

Okay, its should be their and combine the last two sentences with a but.


" "You know darn well, Matthew.” She inhaled deeply knowing all-too-well what this would get her. “So why ask?” "

I'm confused. Does she or does she not know?


"That’s pretty much all he told me or all that he had time for to tell me. "

Nix the for.


"fire men" is one word.


"So, whenever I do "

Do should be did.





I'm half a sleep, so I only managed to read half of this, but I swear i'll finish reading it tomorrow and edit my review with any other nitpicks I may have. So far, it's an intrigueing plotline, but I'm left confused. In the second scene, the daughter's name was Mattie, which I assume is also the narrator, but her master's name is Matthew and Mattie is a common nickname for Matthew. So it's confusing to me when the names are so similar.

Hey, JC! =D

Seeing as quite a few people covered grammar, I'm going to see if I can touch on some deeper areas. ^^

Ooh, I Wonder What Will Happen Next!

Foreshadowing means being able to predict what is about to happen, and this is important for stories, believe it or not. Surprise endings are not always great. In fact, it's best to avoid those. We don't want the reader disappointed. If they can guess what will happen generally, then they'll be happy. Nearly every element in writing can help with foreshadowing. Flashbacks are awesome methods to use. They give character background and sometimes even information for later in the story.

We had a flashback here, but it didn't seem of any importance for the story at hand. In fact, it seemed quite arbitrary. If we took it out, the story could still go on. We need our flashbacks to foreshadow what is going to happen. If our flashback means something more than we see here, then we need to flesh it out more with description. This is where talking comes in handy. Just talk. It's best to overdo it than not do it at all. Jabber like there's no tomorrow. ^_^

So basically, show us a reason that this flashback is important. You may show more reason later, but you want the reader to think about it until they reach that point. Give us a hint or two during this. Tease us. ^_~

Set The Bait

Introductions are very important. They're as important as endings. We want the reader to be pulled into the story immediately, and we want them left with a happy feeling. Now, we don't have an ending (as it's a novel xD), so let's take a peek at our hook. ^^

Dialogue is commonly used to start stories, and they're fantastic too. Readers love hearing their characters talk. It's much easier for the reader to take in information when the characters are saying it to each other. So generally, your hook is very good. That simple curse make the reader curious. The next sentence doesn't, and I think we could easily drop it. We can just start the story with the owner yelling at the woman. There's no need having him march upstairs, yes?

Now, I'm going to look at that whole first section as the introduction. By the end of that section, the reader is left clueless--so clueless, they may put the book back on the shelf. We don't want this. Again, we want to foreshadow the ending, make them wonder what's going to happen. Hypotheses are good, and we want the reader to think of possible upcoming events--What will happen to the woman? What time is it? Even throwing in the woman's frightened thoughts or a few more words in the man's dialogue will get the reader somewhere. ^^

Take a bunch of books and turn to the first page. Read the first few paragraphs or the first section and notice how they start their stories. Try to mimic that here. Flesh this out more, give it more umph, and pull the reader in. Make the reader want more. ^_^

I'm Coming For You... Bwahaha...

I love action sequences. I <3 them. It's difficult writing them, though. Short sentences are used commonly in these types of scenes (not the entire time, but quite a bit). That's just a fun little tip to use when looking back at this. ^^

So, first off, we have the butter churn. I can't think why the woman would put the baby in the butter churn and take it with her. I thought maybe if she dropped the baby in a butter churn and continued running, it would work. Matthew wouldn't get the baby, and the woman would have protected the child. I found this unrealistic and could be modified. ^^

Second, Matthew is running after the woman... why? We don't have to know exactly why, but we don't want this to be so abrupt and arbitrary. I think the flashback makes it even more random, but anyways. Oh! I think we're unsure if Matthew wants the baby or the woman or both. I don't know. xD There's something missing there, and I don't feel happy at the end of that as a reader. xD

Hi! Who'm I Talkin' To?

Mkay, so I was confused as to who the narrator was (and her name). I think we had a Point-of-View switch in there...like Matthew had the flashback; however, I assumed the woman was the narrator/main character and that her name was Mattie. But then later, she would be married to Matthew, so we'd have Mattie and Matthew. xD So I decided that wasn't right and that we forgot to clarify something. ^_^

Going from there, I don't know who the woman is. I don't know her character, so I can't exactly feel sympathy for her losing the child. Only a general "Zomg mommy losing baby" feeling, but not any specific feeling for this particular mother and child (Plus, baby would be crying, yes?). We want the reader to feel for this mother in particular, even if we've just met her. ^^ It sounds difficult, but it's possible. xD

And Matthew just seems like a very angry person. xD If we're going to give Matthew a flashback, maybe give one as to why he's so angry or if he's always been this angry. I'm not too worried about him as I am for the woman, but it's a cause-and-effect thing. If you flesh out the woman, you'll flesh out the guy. xD

I Wanna See!

There's a general saying: Show, don't tell. We like this rule. ^^ It makes readers happy. Writers have to flesh out their story. By this, I mean we want to give description. The readers should be able to use all five of their senses: Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, and Feel. Give us the setting and the explanations. Give us characters. Show us everything. Again, it's better to overdo description than none at all. ^_^

Just as well, we want to be able to move from one scene to another smoothly. Chapter breaks like we have here are acceptable, but they are only if they're needed. A few times, we have a chapter break that doesn't really make sense. It's as if you're skipping the boring part, but we can't do that! xD It's against the law. Well... *cough* Er, yeah. Writers have to write both boring and fun parts. That's what makes us so amazing. So remember to flesh out your story. Try to go back and add more fluff in there, more meat on those bones. ^^

Is This A Prologue Or A Chapter?

This question is asked a lot, and even I am afraid of prologues. Some people don't like them, but they have their place in some novels. This site has taught me a bit about prologues, so I have a general gist of what is and what is not a prologue.

I'm going to guess that this will be a prologue, assuming that the main character is actually the baby and the next chapter will be with the baby as a kid. So this section is showing the past, the history of the novel. This has to be important and show a meaning to the novel itself.

One way to check this is just to play with either title. Call it a prologue and compare it to the rest of the novel. Then call it a chapter 1 and compare it to the rest of the novel. Which works better? Generally, prologues are not needed, so be sure that this is important to your novel. ^_^

Well, that just about covers my concerns. If you have questions, I'm more than willing to help answer them. ^_^

Keep writing! =D

Jabber, the One and Only!

Yes, I really like it, but I find some things quite confusing as well:

“Do you know what time it is?”

“It’s nearly seven o’ clock sir.”

here, if I understood it properly, Matthew wants to know a special meaning to the time, but we (readers) are not told this meaning. Somehow I don't find that satisfying.
You neglected to tell the names of characters, which in itself isn't a bad thing, but it would be easier to read, and better to understand if you said who is saying what sometimes:

“Do you know what time it is?”

“It’s nearly seven o’ clock sir.” She said with something like glimmering anger. She had ... hair and ...

There was a pause.

“AND, what time is that?”

“It’s…”

“Spit it out, woman!”

hm... I'm not really happy with what I would say (^^) , but it might be helpful to say whatshe looks like.

Also it would help to say what the characters are called, because all I know is that she is called Mattie, which seems to be a shortening, her husband is called Matthew, (which sounds a bit like Mattie, maybe you should give her a name which sounds a bit different to that -Lysa or something- if she is staying in the story) and I would be interested in their terms of marriage because they don't seem to get on that well. Then there's her son. You don't tell his name, which is okay if he gets a new name in his new home. I liked the idea with the churner!

All in all a good job well done!

~sheepy

I don't really see how this is fantasy, but it's interesting. Here's a few nitpicks:

The monster balled his hand into a bullet and got ready to aim.

I think you mean "got ready to fire". If he's getting ready, he's already aiming.

I remember my heart running as fast as the cheetah, an animal on the mythical planet Earth.

Is this neccessary? There's not much else in the piece suggesting that this is taking place anywhere but Earth (except for the butter-churn, which might suggest a different time period, but still could be on Earth), so it feels out of place.

“You better come out here, this instance or God so help me—.”

instance --> instant

There was a small clearing a few feet’s radius from the front steps of the building.

Saying "a few feet from" works just as well and is less clunky.

Though, I knew it would be and was risky.

When I first read this, I thought "I knew it would be --- blank?" It's a little confusing. I'd recommend just using "would be" and leaving out the "and was".

a butter churn filled with our baby.

This sounds like a dead baby joke. 'nuff said.

It was really interesting, but ill-concieved. The characters seemed like kind of hollow prototypes, and details on the general setting were almost non-existant. At first, I thought it was going to support feminine ideals, but then she just gets caught at the end (although there is a hint that she finds another home for her baby, but we don't know how or where). Maybe further chapters will clarify, but I'm sorry, I didn't really like this one. :sweat:

Wow. I truly love each and every one of you. Thanks, for all the help! I find it fascinating to see where everyone was confused though I thought it was as clear as day (I've noticed that this happens a lot). Just in case any other people look at this, just some explanation.

Flashback: Mattie is the woman (Ha, I wrote this in a few hours so I did not take into consideration that Mattie and Matthew are similar names. My bad people.) She's supposed to be thinking about her father and how he taught her to stand up for herself. Therefore, giving her the courage to stand up to her husband, Matthew.

POV/tense change: Another con to writing things in a few hours. Ok, to clarify, the first part is obviously 3rd person. The second part is the flashback scene though in present tense 1st person. The third part is past tense 1st person. I think I have that straight. All in all, the second part is her thoughts and the part in italics is the flashback. The third part however is her "talking" about something that happened in the past (which it did). Though, the baby is the main character. (I know that makes no sense at all...I'm going to change it)

Swearing (I laughed so hard...): I know this is a horrible excuse but so please forgive me. Since, my mom will probably read this some time if I actually do anything with this, I don't really want to put swear words in it. Yes, I agree with you. A husband who abuses his wife (its horrible enough that I'm writing about that lol) yet doesn't swear is almost impossible and lame. Oh well.

Thanks again for all your help! I think I hit everything that everyone seemed to be confused on. Wow again.

P.S sorry, I like talking about my story lol. The baby is in a butter churn because a woman at the mysterious building names him Butter. Its a cute name... That's not really a good reason though...

thefireinmeisJC wrote: His career as one of those fire men was so time consuming that it nearly consumed all the time that was supposed to be spent with his only daughter.

In this sentence, I think you could have done with out two "consumes" in it. Perhaps you could have written, 'His carrer as on of those firemen (one word) was so time consuming that it nearly devoured all the time that was supposed to be spent with his only daughter.