Messengers ( chapter one)

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 1
It appears to be very cliche to start of with but i couldn't figure any other way to start it, open for any suggestions though. Please read on, i have a high hopes for this later on. P.s don't massacre it lol if u can help it. Pleas enjoy.



Messengers

Chapter One – I’ve got mail


I heaved the yellow bag up and slammed the door behind me. Pulling my hood up I begin. The winter night chill ripped through my jumper, and my fingers froze as I posted the first of many papers. It wasn’t a bad round, but the pay, the pay was disgusting. Twenty quid a month, two hundred papers each week, I felt like a slave as I stuffed the second paper though the letterbox. I know there are people much worse off, but the cold winter nights were simply unbearable at times, a remember once that I even slipped on a sheet of ice – I should have sued them.

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder, as I turned into an alleyway. A movement up ahead caught my attention, it was probably nothing, maybe a drunk, or maybe I was imagining it, after all it was early in the morning and I had just woke up. I quickened my pace, eager to get home and into the warmth of my cosy room, but also because I was spooked by the dark figure that had been there for no more than a split second.

I reached the top of the dark alleyway and turned left into Crookerdown Close. I risked a nervous glance behind and let out a long sigh, I saw nothing. I turned my head, and jumped out of my skin, literally I was like floating up and looking down on myself. An old man stumbled towards me, his hand out stretched, as if his brain was dead. First thought, zombies, shit they are real. His clothes were ripped, and streaks of blood dripped down his chest, he walked with a limp barely able to hold himself up. I backed away, tripping on a kerb as I went. I fell down hard, my bag strap curling around my neck like a snake. I tried to get up before he came within reaching distant, but I was too late. He toppled on top of me, and stuttered something, his voice barely a whisper.

“W. Wo. Wolf.” He groaned, pointing into the darkness. I didn’t pay much attention and shoved him off, before leaping too my feet and running, running into the darkness.

***

Darkness everywhere, I’d completely forgotten about my round, it wasn’t important anymore, nothing was.
I glance back, the man is gone, I’m alone. I am panting rapidly there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard. I drop the bag, couldn’t care less whether I get paid, it feels like I’ve just been lifting an elephant and now it’s gone, my shoulders are free again.

Looking around I see nothing familiar, this part is new to me. I decide to go back the way I came, but then think twice, the man might still be there. Only one way to go, forwards. I begin walking, slowly and cautious at first and then gradually quickening my pace. I stop, frozen to the spot, nerves gone dead, and brain gone blank. A hunched figure up ahead, is it the wolf, is it a dog, or is it simply an old man?

I squint into the distance, trying to make sense of the figure, it’s too dark to see, just two red pixy sized lights in the darkness. A loud ring gave me a heart attack and it took a moment to realise that it was my mobile. I flipped it up and held it to my ear.
“Hello” I answer
“Jake, where have you been, you are normally finished by now, you will be late for school... ok...wait...ok, don’t be long.”
I look up, the figures gone.

***


The pancakes tasted good.
“Right, I’d best get going then” I said, picking up my school bag.
“ Bye, have a good day, learn lots.” My mum said cheerfully, waving me out.
“ Pft. Yeah...”
The door swings shut behind me, and I make my way to the park. Wasn’t the first time I’ve skipped school and it won’t be the last. What’s the point? I know all the basics, maths, science, how to read and write. It’s not a very long walk and minutes later I’m sitting on a park bench. It is covered with graffiti, with all sorts of swear words, I won’t bother going into details. Something hits me sharply in the back of the head, i whizz around, only to find nobody there. Kids, can’t even face me like a man, cowards. I turn back round, a letter was sitting neatly on the grass, I am pretty sure it hadn’t been there a second ago, I would have noticed it else. My answers i revealed when i lean over to pick it up, my name written neatly in gold lettering. It definitely wasn’t there before, someone’s just put it there. I scan the park and the area outside it, as was well, nobody, I'm alone.

Should I read it, or should I thought it in the bin? I knew what my heart says, it’s probably just a prank, so throw it away. Curiosities however, overpowers me and without realising my fingers are a step ahead of me and are opening the letter. I read.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

Would you like your yellow bag back?

Yours valiantly

Lacy


I cannot believe what I’ve just read and let the paper glide to the ground. How did she know? Who was she, Lacy? Do they have my bag? Are they here now? All this questions run wildly around in my head, and I haven’t the foggiest what the answers to them are. I Sit back down and almost scream the world down. Another letter. I was just about to sit on it, how...

***

As I make my way to the tunnel, I read the message over again. Written in exactly the same handwriting and format, it was like a clone from the first letter.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

Go to the end of the tunnels. Don’t say u can’t find them. They’re exactly North west from your current location.

Yours valiantly

Lacy


I stop. I am at the entrance to the tunnels, with no light inside I’d be plunged into darkness. What if this is all just some sick trap, but before I can come to a decision, I notice a third clone. This time hanging from a perfectly fine golden piece of thread, attached to an old oak tree. I Yank it down and read.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

It is not a trap. A red-letter box is awaiting you at the end of the tunnels, all will be revealed.

Yours valiantly

Lacy



I’m torn. How, the hell is whoever is doing this, doing this? It’s impossible nobody can move that fast, or even write the exact same every time in the exact same letter. It just isn’t possible. An ear-splitting scream erupts from within the tunnel and without even knowing it, my legs are running full pelt into the darkness.

I’m already near the end, when it dawns upon me that this is probably and most definitely a trap. My theories are confirmed because when I reach the end, there is nobody there, nobody screaming for help, just a red-letter box. From which yet another neat envelope is awaiting me. It’s hanging out of the letter slot, a reach in and grab it. My hand passes through thin air, it wasn’t real. I try and jerk my hand back, but I can’t move it, it’s sealed within the box. Then seconds letter a loud voice booms, coming from, well, nowhere.

“Thank you, for posting. You are about to enter Valiant hills. All messengers report to lacy as soon as you arrive.”

It ends as abruptly as it came. The red box begins to creak, it sounds like metal gears, and cogs are turning inside it. I try to pull free and my hand gives way. I jump back and stare in horror and amazement at what lies before my eyes. The normal looking letterbox, is transforming drastically into something that was never thought possible.

Moments later, a magnificent double mahogany door stands exactly where the box was. Neatly written across it in gold lettering, VALIANT HILLS, I stare in amazement. I quickly glance at the letter, stepping forward I enter...

_______________________________________________
Werewolves aren't all that bad - Messengers




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4013
Reviews 201
Hi Kevzta, I'm Peanut and I'm going to apologize now for what I'm about to do. Sorry. My critiques are bold.


I heaved the yellow bag what is in the bag? up and slammed the door behind me. Pulling my hood up I begin.in this last sentence you jumped to present tense the rest is past The winter night chill ripped through my jumper, and my fingers froze as I posted the first of many papers. It wasn’t a bad round, but the pay, the pay was disgusting. Twenty quid a month, two hundred papers each week, I felt like a slave as I stuffed the second paper though the letterbox. I know there are people much worse off, but the cold winter nights were simply unbearable at times, a remember once that I even slipped on a sheet of ice – I should have sued them.

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder, as I turned into an alleyway. A movement up ahead caught my attention, it was probably nothing, maybe a drunk, or maybe I was imagining it, after all it was early in the morning and I had just woke up. I quickened my pace, eager to get home and into the warmth of my cosy cozy I think or thats just how you spell it room, but also because I was spooked by the dark figure that had been there for no more than a split second.

I reached the top of the dark alleyway and turned left into Crookerdown Close. I risked a nervous glance behind you should add me and let out a long sigh, I saw nothing. I turned my head, and it would be better with the word almost here jumped out of my skin, literally I was like take out the like it doesn't need to be there floating up and looking down on myself. An old man stumbled towards no s me, his hand out stretched, as if his brain was dead. First thought, zombies, *** they are real. His clothes were ripped, and streaks of blood dripped down his chest, he walked with a limp barely able to hold himself up. I backed away, tripping on a kerb curve not kerb as I went. I fell down hard, my bag strap curling around my neck like a snake. I tried to get up before he came within reaching distant, but I was too late. He toppled on top of me, and stuttered something, his voice barely a whisper.

“W. Wo. Wolf.” He groaned, pointing into the darkness. I didn’t pay much attention and shoved him off, before leaping too my feet and running, running into the darkness.

***
This whole part until the next set of astrix( ***) is in present tense, not past like the top

Darkness everywhere, I’d completely forgotten about my round, it wasn’t important anymore, nothing was.
I glance back, the man is gone, I’m alone. I am panting rapidly ,there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard. I drop the bag, couldn’t care less whether I get paid, it feels like I’ve just been lifting an elephant and now it’s gone, my shoulders are free again.

Looking around I see nothing familiar, this part is new to me. I decide to go back the way I came, but then think twice, the man might still be there. Only one way to go, forwards. I begin walking, slowly and cautious at first and then gradually quickening my pace. I stop, frozen to the spot, nerves gone dead, and brain gone blank. A hunched figure up ahead, is it the wolf, is it a dog, or is it simply an old man?

I squint into the distance, trying to make sense of the figure, it’s too dark to see, just two red pixy sized lights in the darkness. A loud ring gave me a heart attack and it took a moment to realise that it was my mobile. I flipped it up and held it to my ear.
“Hello” I answer
“Jake, where have you been, you are normally finished by now, you will be late for school... ok...wait...ok, don’t be long.”
I look up, the figure's gone.

***
Back to past

The pancakes tasted good.
“Right, I’d best get going then” I said, picking up my school bag.
“ Bye, have a good day, learn lots.” My mum said cheerfully, waving me out.
“ Pft. Yeah...”
back to presentThe door swings shut behind me, and I make my way to the park. Wasn’t the first time I’ve skipped school and it won’t be the last. What’s the point? I know all the basics, maths, science, how to read and write. It’s not a very long walk and minutes later I’m sitting on a park bench. It is covered with graffiti, with all sorts of swear words, I won’t bother going into details. Something hits me sharply in the back of the head, i whizz around, only to find nobody there. Kids, can’t even face me like a man, cowards. I turn back round, a letter was sitting neatly on the grass, I am pretty sure it hadn’t been there a second ago, I would have noticed it else. My answers i revealed when i lean over to pick it up, my name written neatly in gold lettering. It definitely wasn’t there before, someone’s just put it there. I scan the park and the area outside it, as was well, nobody, I'm alone.

Should I read it, or should I thought it in the bin? I knew what my heart says, it’s probably just a prank, so throw it away. Curiosities however, overpowers overpower no s me . take out the and to make a new sentence and without realising my fingers are a step ahead of me and are opening the letter. I read.you should put a : instead of a .

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

Would you like your yellow bag back?

Yours valiantly

Lacy

I cannot believe what I’ve just read and let the paper glide to the ground. How did she know? Who was she, Lacy? Do they have my bag? Are they here now? All this questions run wildly around in my head, and I haven’t the foggiest what the answers to them are. I no capital in sit Sit back down and almost scream the world down. Another letter. I was just about to sit on it, how...

***

As I make my way to the tunnel, I read the message over again. Written in exactly the same handwriting and format, it was like a clone from the first letter.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

Go to the end of the tunnels. Don’t say u can’t find them. They’re exactly North west from your current location.

Yours valiantly

Lacy

I stop. I am at the entrance to the tunnels, with no light inside I’d be plunged into darkness. What if this is all just some sick trap, but before I can come to a decision, I notice a third clone. This time hanging from a perfectly fine golden piece of thread, attached to an old oak tree. I no capital in yank Yank it down and read.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

It is not a trap. A red-letter box is awaiting you at the end of the tunnels, all will be revealed.

Yours valiantly

Lacy


I’m torn. How, the hell is whoever is doing this, doing this? It’s impossible nobody can move that fast, or even write the exact same every time in the exact same letter. It just isn’t possible. An ear-splitting scream erupts from within the tunnel and without even knowing it, my legs are running full pelt into the darkness.

I’m already near the end, when it dawns upon me that this is probably and most definitely a trap. My theories are confirmed because when I reach the end, there is nobody there, nobody screaming for help, just a red-letter box. From which yet another neat envelope is awaiting me. It’s hanging out of the letter slot, a reach in and grab it. My hand passes through thin air, it wasn’t real. I try and jerk my hand back, but I can’t move it, it’s sealed within the box. Then seconds letter later a loud voice booms, coming from, well, nowhere.

“Thank you, for posting. You are about to enter Valiant hills. All messengers report to capital L lacy as soon as you arrive.”

It ends as abruptly as it came. The red box begins to creak, it sounds like metal gears, and cogs are turning inside it. I try to pull free and my hand gives way. I jump back and stare in horror and amazement at what lies before my eyes. The normal looking letterbox, is transforming drastically into something that was never thought possible.

Moments later, a magnificent double mahogany door stands exactly where the box was. Neatly written across it in gold lettering, VALIANT HILLS, I stare in amazement. I quickly glance at the letter, stepping forward I enter...




Kevzta, I can't wait to read more of this it's real good. If you just fix the tense issue I think it'll be great. Good luck, and if you have questions feel free to PM me. Sorry, again.
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 4299
Reviews 127
Well, Peanut covered a lot but I have a couple of things so say. You did have punctuation errors and some capitalization problems with your Is. The sentences were a bit choppy at times and some parts I had to read over. I also suggest you describe the characters and the settings a bit more. It has an alright story line and I do look forward to reading more because I do love werewolf stories.

Another thing I also noticed was that you were switching between tenses which made it a bit confusing. I'm not sure if there was supposed to be any flashbacks or just a whole story. There is not much I can say because Peanut already took most of my opinions.

Well good luck with your writing and keep up the good work.
~Incognito Temptation
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 832
Reviews 37
Wow!
loved your story, its an amazing storyline. i saw a few grammar erros but they have already been taking care of.
I can't wait to read more.
good luck for the next chapter. :D :D :D


Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 22
okay here's my copy editor act to save... the writing.

I heaved the yellow bag up


up what? tell us more about his bag. is it heavy? does it have school work in it? a lolipop? tell us more.

Pulling my hood up I begin


begin what? only do this if you're going to keep us in suspense over an action which i don't think you are here.

The winter night chill ripped through my jumper, and my fingers froze as I posted the first of many papers.


you can separate this out into two sentences. i think this one too many ideas to a sentence anyway.

I know there are people much worse off, but the cold winter nights were simply unbearable at times, a remember once that I even slipped on a sheet of ice – I should have sued them.


first off it should be "I remember" second off that can be its own sentence. and so can the whole suing part.

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder


i might be wrong but i think you have two different tenses in this here sentence

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder, as I turned into an alleyway. A movement up ahead caught my attention, it was probably nothing, maybe a drunk, or maybe I was imagining it, after all it was early in the morning and I had just woke up


serious run-ons BTW. cut it off after shoulder take out the as. cut off after attention, nothing and imagining it.

I risked a nervous glance behind and let out a long sigh, I saw nothing


split it up after sigh.

I turned my head, and jumped out of my skin, literally I was like floating up and looking down on myself


take out literally. try to avoid adverbs religiously. and take out like as well. it is as unacceptable in speech as it is in writing. it really drives me up the wall. were you like feeling as if you were staring at yourself (your character that is) or were you actually feeling as if you were looking down? if you want to say it had a semblance make the sentence "it was like" because then we know you're talking about the experience.

kerb as I went


what the crap is a kerb? I think you're talking about a curb.

First thought, zombies, shit they are real


sorry back to this sentence. say my first thought. it just gives us the correct subject rather than leaving us to assume that it is not the zombies. you want us to k now that it is you thinking so, say that.

I tried to get up before he came within reaching distant, but I was too late


distance, and swap late for slow.

I didn’t pay much attention and shoved him off, before leaping too my feet and running, running into the darkness.


cut off after shoved him off. make the next sentence "I leapt to my feet and ran." then make the next "Ran, into the darkness"

I’d completely forgotten about my round, it wasn’t important anymore, nothing was.


this could be at least two sentences. you could even make three out of it.

I am panting rapidly there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard


okay you can leave out rapidly, we get the idea from panting. split off and then say there is a pain...

I glance back, the man is gone, I’m alone. I am panting rapidly there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard. I drop the bag


this whole chunk of that paragraph is in a different tense, i think.

Looking around I see nothing familiar, this part is new to me


split into two sentences. and this part of what?

okay listen, i could go on and on but i think i got the problems down pat for this piece. you can probably change it yourself. just remember that a sentence is one subject one action, maybe two subjects two actions in rare occasions. also watch your tense and watch the adverbs. nice beginning

7/10

:)
I will show you fear in a handful of dust
~T.S "Butch" Eliot
"Insanity is just a state of mind" ~Allan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce
My first thought was, he lied in every word.
~Robert "Sundance" Browning




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1090
Reviews 43
I liked the story for its good use of language, also using an I point of view is never bad. My stories are almost always written in such a way. You really have to fix the changing from present to past tense since it confuses the reader and makes the story harder for people to read.

How, the hell is whoever is doing this, doing this?
This is a confusing sentence since you repeat the same thing in the end and the sentence doesn't seem to say anything comprehensible. I would drop the "is" after the "whoever" since it would make the sentence more understandable.


I'm not going more in depth to the problems as they are already covered in other reviews.
Don't lose heart and keep posting. :wink:
If the road is easy, the destination is worthless.



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne