The Timekeeper - Prologue • Young Writers Society

cocoboy · 2008-11-27T16:54:20Z

Yesterday I thought up an idea for a story, so I thought I would try writing a little. [s]I wrote what is either chapter 1 or the prologue, but I think it's the prologue because it seems rather short. Which do you think it should be?[/s] It is now the prologue. Also anyone have any suggestions for what to name my main character? Finally, I know it may seem rather confusing when you read it at first, but it is supposed to clear up as you keep reading. -------------------------- “No. It can’t be like this. Not now. Please, not now. Sometime later, let it happen. I don’t care when. Just not now. One more second, please. Give me one more second and it will all turn out right. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything for one more second.” The Timekeeper sneered, slipping the chalk into his pocket. “Where did that come from?” he asked, hopping down from the little stool and taking a step towards me. “You sounded like you were reciting Shakespeare.” He narrowed his eyes at me, as if he thought I had memorized a script before coming into the awful, dark, room. “Please, one more second,” I said. The Timekeeper chuckled, and his high voice sent a shiver down my spine. “And why should I give you anything at all, much less a portion of time? You are the one who broke into my palace, you are the one took my cat, and, most of all, you are the one who found my chalk and got yourself into this mess in the first place. Why should I give you anything?” the Timekeeper said. “Because-“ I lowered my eyes. “Because of Angelina.” “You did what you could. You can do no more.” The Timekeeper wasn’t sneering anymore. “You can help her, I know it.” I said. “I did enough for her already.” “She fell.” My voice started to rise. “Just send me back, give me one more second, and I can save her.” “Do you realize how many people have died in this world? Billions. And I haven’t helped one of them. What can I do, everyone has to die, so why should I take interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?” “Listen, I don’t have time for this.” I sounded braver than I felt. A moment later, I realized how stupid that had sounded. After all, I was in a room where time was controlled, and time meant nothing. The Timekeeper snorted. “You have all the time in the world,” the Timekeeper said. “I could sit here for a millennium waiting for you to wake up to the fact that this whole conversation is absolutely pointless. Give me one reason to help you.” There was silence for several seconds. And when there is silence in the room of time, it is truly silent. Finally, I spoke up. “She had your cat.” Crack! Something snapped through the silence and darkness. I spun around to face the direction the sound had come form. “What was that?” I asked, turning back to the Timekeeper. He had a look of confusion across his face, but it didn’t last long. He refocused his gaze onto my face, and replied. “That was nothing. You say she had my cat? You believe that I would give you a second for a cat?” “How hard would it be to give me one second?” I asked. The Timekeeper sighed, suddenly becoming a much less irritated person. "I can’t send you back to right before you fell, but give you another second to save her. I can’t do that. If I did, you would both die. But you are right, I do wish I had Apple back.” The Timekeeper said the last sentence dreamily. I assumed that Apple was the cat’s name. “There is only one thing I could do,” the Timekeeper continued. “I could send you way back to relive the adventure you just finished, the adventure of getting here in the first place. You would go back, before you came into this room, before you went on your journey to get here, before you found my chalk. Most of all, you would not remember a thing about the venture you just ended. You will have a chance to do it all over again, but set things right at the end. But this time, you would not get a second chance if you failed. Do you agree?” The Timekeepers words spun in my head as I tried to make sense of them. A chance to save Angelina… it was like a dream come true. I slowly nodded my head, and, for the first time, I saw the Timekeeper give a real smile. The Timekeeper slowly walked over to his stool and stepped up on it. He turned to face the slowly rotating chalkboard, and the stool started to rise, going higher and higher, until it stopped near a chalk equation that was just starting to rotate around to out side of the board. As soon as it was in reach of the Timekeeper, he pulled out the chalk, extended his arm, and wrote, carefully and slowly, the number 0 next to the equation. Then, without turning around, he spoke: “Please exit through door 42. Now get out of here.” I started to walk to the right around the giant, cylindrical blackboard, watching the numbers on the doors as I passed them. 30… 31… 32… I though about the offer the Timekeeper had given me. It was a chance to save Angelina, but I had to get past all of the obstacles first. And I would not remember anything to help me out. That meant that everything would play out the same way, and in the end Angelina and the cat would meet the same fate. I shook my head vigorously. If that was true, the Timekeeper would not send me on the quest again. Then again, you never know with that guy. After all, he could warp time and send everyone falling backwards into space. I decided not to think about it too much, in case my head started to hurt. I concentrated on finding the right door. 39… 40… 41… 42! There it was! The big iron door looked identical to all the others, but I could see that the handle was turned up, meaning that the door was unlocked. I walked up to it, preparing myself for the adventure that I didn’t want to go on in the first place. I slowly closed my eyes, reached out for the handle, turned it, and pulled the door open. As I stepped through the opening, I could feel all the memories that I had of my adventure flying out of my head, one by one. And then I heard a voice in my head. It was the voice. It was the voice of the Timekeeper, and he was talking to me, but not me. Don’t think about that too much or it’ll make your head hurt. “Do you want to hear the truth?” Yes, that is what he said. And that is all I remembered after I opened my eyes. It was all I had to aid me on my adventure I was about to repeat. No it wasn’t all. As well as those words, I had a few friends, a piece of chalk, and a cat. And when I opened my eyes to greet the world and an adventure that I now had no idea I was about to go on, I found myself standing in my bedroom closet. -------------------------- Thanks! Do you think I should keep writing it? Critique would be helpful!

Todge

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Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:08 pm

Todge says... · Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:08 pm

yeah I loved this story, it has great potential and it already sinks in a storyline that will make me want to read it through till the end. The only thing I did not like about it is the way it was set in First Person however that may change when your character gets a name I don't know. That is my personal taste however so go ahead with the First Person if it is what you want.

I also like this time keeper character as he seems so powerful yet will take a risk to save his cat, quite a good weakness for such a powerful character. As for the main character I think it could be challenging to write about his challenge without referring back to this prologue however if you can pull it off I will be very please as I am definantly looking forward to reading more of this.

Please keep me posted when more is out.

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fragile_heart(!)

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Sat Dec 13, 2008 9:20 pm

fragile_heart(!) says... · Sat Dec 13, 2008 9:20 pm

Amazing!
You realed me immediatly! You really do a good job of portraying your characters through the dialogue, which is a key tip in writing.

You should definitely continue, because I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say we want to hear more.

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cocoboy

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Mon Dec 15, 2008 11:48 pm

cocoboy says... · Mon Dec 15, 2008 11:48 pm

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for all the great feedback and support! I am working on chapter one, but it has been taking longer than I expected to write it, because I've been really busy. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post it, but in the mean time, what do you think should happen?

Chapter one takes place in the main character's house, so it is in a very different mood than the prologue. Still, it is fun to write!

"If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keeping your mouth shut.” -Albert Einstein

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rachiegirla

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Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:15 am

rachiegirla says... · Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:15 am

This is definitely a prologue, because it's a little separated from the rest of the material (which, you know, isn't written, but I'm guessing it's the rest of the story. Since he won't remember this bit, it can work as a prologue).

What can I do, everyone has to die, so why should I take interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?

Double questions are difficult. But it sounds better as: What can I do? Everyone has to die, so why should I take an interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?

I spun around to face the direction the sound had come form.

I always do this: from, not form.

Now that I'm done with the criticism: this is good. I would like to read more.

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niccy_v

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Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:25 am

niccy_v says... · Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:25 am

“Please, one more second,"

? not ,

I said

Shouldn't you be building emotion? You epic failed if you were. Said is such a plain, boring word, void of all emotion. Try as 'i pleaded, i begged, i gasped' because... can you feel the difference? it has emotion! Said it horrible when put there, so try and be more creative in vocab

The Timekeeper chuckled, and his high voice sent a shiver down my spine.

Use a ; instead of , + delete and. So: The timekeeper chuckled; his high voice sent a shiver down my spine. Or: A shiver rippled down my spine as the timekeeper chuckled his high-pitched chuckle/throaty chuckle. See how the descriptive words change the mood completely? The timekeeper should be feared, yes? So make him fear-worthy

-"

use 99 not 66. As in closing quotation marks. It always happens after - so watch out. Try instead: ..." not -"

What can I do, everyone has to die, so why should I take interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?”

Mentioned above but i shall give you my 2 cents. try What can i do? Everybody has to die, so why should i take interest in one girl and give the boy one more second to save her?
Also - i did not know the sex. So give the people genders (in this case the boy)

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Writing gives my life purpose

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MeadowLark

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Thu Dec 18, 2008 3:42 am

MeadowLark says... · Thu Dec 18, 2008 3:42 am

It was great! I was immeadielty hooked! I haven't read a story, though it is only a prologue at the moment, that realed me in that fast. I can't even find words to express how much I loved it. And I know how the Timekeeper feels about losing his cat. It's happened to me lots and I love cats! That quote about the boy stealing his cat was great. Please, please continue on with your story. I can't wait!

Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me
--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"

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Rosendorn

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Thu Dec 18, 2008 2:52 pm

Rosendorn says... · Thu Dec 18, 2008 2:52 pm

cocoboy wrote:Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for all the great feedback and support! I am working on chapter one, but it has been taking longer than I expected to write it, because I've been really busy. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post it, but in the mean time, what do you think should happen?

Chapter one takes place in the main character's house, so it is in a very different mood than the prologue. Still, it is fun to write!

Try to think of the adventure in reverse. What caused him to get to the Timekeeper's room? What happened before that? And before that? Think up any scenes you can and start asking where they go and what happens around them.

A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

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*singerofthenight*

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Thu Dec 18, 2008 5:56 pm

*singerofthenight* says... · Thu Dec 18, 2008 5:56 pm

Thsi was really good. How old are you? You seem a lot older than 13, especially with that writing.! I absolutyle loved it! I think the name Jared is to common. Something more exoitic would be better.

Good luck adn pm me when you post teh next part!

~jen

"Hello, is this thing on?"

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The Timekeeper - Prologue

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