The Timekeeper - Prologue

Yesterday I thought up an idea for a story, so I thought I would try writing a little. [s]I wrote what is either chapter 1 or the prologue, but I think it's the prologue because it seems rather short. Which do you think it should be?[/s] It is now the prologue.

Also anyone have any suggestions for what to name my main character? Finally, I know it may seem rather confusing when you read it at first, but it is supposed to clear up as you keep reading.

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“No. It can’t be like this. Not now. Please, not now. Sometime later, let it happen. I don’t care when. Just not now. One more second, please. Give me one more second and it will all turn out right. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything for one more second.”
The Timekeeper sneered, slipping the chalk into his pocket.
“Where did that come from?” he asked, hopping down from the little stool and taking a step towards me. “You sounded like you were reciting Shakespeare.” He narrowed his eyes at me, as if he thought I had memorized a script before coming into the awful, dark, room.
“Please, one more second,” I said. The Timekeeper chuckled, and his high voice sent a shiver down my spine.
“And why should I give you anything at all, much less a portion of time? You are the one who broke into my palace, you are the one took my cat, and, most of all, you are the one who found my chalk and got yourself into this mess in the first place. Why should I give you anything?” the Timekeeper said.
“Because-“ I lowered my eyes. “Because of Angelina.”
“You did what you could. You can do no more.” The Timekeeper wasn’t sneering anymore.
“You can help her, I know it.” I said.
“I did enough for her already.”
“She fell.” My voice started to rise. “Just send me back, give me one more second, and I can save her.”
“Do you realize how many people have died in this world? Billions. And I haven’t helped one of them. What can I do, everyone has to die, so why should I take interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?”
“Listen, I don’t have time for this.” I sounded braver than I felt. A moment later, I realized how stupid that had sounded. After all, I was in a room where time was controlled, and time meant nothing. The Timekeeper snorted.
“You have all the time in the world,” the Timekeeper said. “I could sit here for a millennium waiting for you to wake up to the fact that this whole conversation is absolutely pointless. Give me one reason to help you.”
There was silence for several seconds. And when there is silence in the room of time, it is truly silent. Finally, I spoke up.
“She had your cat.”
Crack! Something snapped through the silence and darkness. I spun around to face the direction the sound had come form.
“What was that?” I asked, turning back to the Timekeeper. He had a look of confusion across his face, but it didn’t last long. He refocused his gaze onto my face, and replied.
“That was nothing. You say she had my cat? You believe that I would give you a second for a cat?”
“How hard would it be to give me one second?” I asked.
The Timekeeper sighed, suddenly becoming a much less irritated person.
"I can’t send you back to right before you fell, but give you another second to save her. I can’t do that. If I did, you would both die. But you are right, I do wish I had Apple back.” The Timekeeper said the last sentence dreamily. I assumed that Apple was the cat’s name.
“There is only one thing I could do,” the Timekeeper continued. “I could send you way back to relive the adventure you just finished, the adventure of getting here in the first place. You would go back, before you came into this room, before you went on your journey to get here, before you found my chalk. Most of all, you would not remember a thing about the venture you just ended. You will have a chance to do it all over again, but set things right at the end. But this time, you would not get a second chance if you failed. Do you agree?”
The Timekeepers words spun in my head as I tried to make sense of them. A chance to save Angelina… it was like a dream come true. I slowly nodded my head, and, for the first time, I saw the Timekeeper give a real smile.
The Timekeeper slowly walked over to his stool and stepped up on it. He turned to face the slowly rotating chalkboard, and the stool started to rise, going higher and higher, until it stopped near a chalk equation that was just starting to rotate around to out side of the board. As soon as it was in reach of the Timekeeper, he pulled out the chalk, extended his arm, and wrote, carefully and slowly, the number 0 next to the equation. Then, without turning around, he spoke:
“Please exit through door 42. Now get out of here.”
I started to walk to the right around the giant, cylindrical blackboard, watching the numbers on the doors as I passed them. 30… 31… 32… I though about the offer the Timekeeper had given me. It was a chance to save Angelina, but I had to get past all of the obstacles first. And I would not remember anything to help me out. That meant that everything would play out the same way, and in the end Angelina and the cat would meet the same fate.
I shook my head vigorously. If that was true, the Timekeeper would not send me on the quest again. Then again, you never know with that guy. After all, he could warp time and send everyone falling backwards into space. I decided not to think about it too much, in case my head started to hurt. I concentrated on finding the right door.
39… 40… 41… 42! There it was! The big iron door looked identical to all the others, but I could see that the handle was turned up, meaning that the door was unlocked. I walked up to it, preparing myself for the adventure that I didn’t want to go on in the first place.
I slowly closed my eyes, reached out for the handle, turned it, and pulled the door open. As I stepped through the opening, I could feel all the memories that I had of my adventure flying out of my head, one by one. And then I heard a voice in my head. It was the voice. It was the voice of the Timekeeper, and he was talking to me, but not me. Don’t think about that too much or it’ll make your head hurt.
“Do you want to hear the truth?” Yes, that is what he said. And that is all I remembered after I opened my eyes. It was all I had to aid me on my adventure I was about to repeat. No it wasn’t all. As well as those words, I had a few friends, a piece of chalk, and a cat.
And when I opened my eyes to greet the world and an adventure that I now had no idea I was about to go on, I found myself standing in my bedroom closet.

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Thanks! Do you think I should keep writing it? Critique would be helpful!

A few nitpicks, first. Just some small things-- I loved this, as you'll soon read.

The Timekeeper snorted.
“You have all the time in the world,” the Timekeeper said with a snort.

A bit redundant, no?

I started to walk to the right around the giant, cylindrical blackboard, watching the numbers on the doors as I past them.

Passed?

That said, this is probably one of the most captivating hooks I've read, and I certainly want to know more about what has been going on. Though, I guess that'd be the point of the story altogether, wouldn't it? And as Rosey said, this should definitely become a prologue. It already has me immersed in the story, and has me set up, anticipating and wondering as to how this scene came to be. It's great as is, and I would definitely love to read more. The setting especially is very well done. Very esoteric and suitable to an epic quest.

In naming your protagonist, you need to take into consideration the setting of his adventures, and also the names you have for other characters. There isn't quite enough information in the prologue (not that there needs to be!) for me to give some suggestions, and I apologize for that. Baby naming sites are immensely helpful in naming your characters, I've found.

Good luck, and keep with it! Seems like a brilliant idea, and could go in so many directions.

Just so you know, I didn't read the other reviews since I'm too lazy to do so... Anyway, pardon any repeating on my part.

“Where did that come from?” he asked, hopping down from the little stool and taking a step towards me. “You sounded like you were reciting Shakespeare.”

If your story takes place in the real world, then involving Shakespeare is okay, but if the rest of the story takes place in your own made up world, then it's a bit of a no no. Since Shakespeare was a real person, it wouldn't make any sense for him to show up in your world, so unless it takes place in real life, then you should change it.

What can I do, everyone has to die, so why should I take interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?”

Put a question mark instead of a comma after "What can I do".

The Timekeeper snorted.
“You have all the time in the world,” the Timekeeper said with a snort.

"Snorted" isn't a word you want to use twice so close together. Choose whichever you want to get rid of.

I can’t send you back to right before you fell,

You forgot the quotation mark at the beginning.

But you are right, I do wish I had Apple back.”

Put a period instead of a comma.

watching the numbers on the doors as I past them

Write this as "watching the numbers on the doors as I walked passed them." Because "past" doesn't work here.

I have to say that this is probably the coolest idea for a story I've seen on this website, and your style supports it well. It's very imaginative, I have to say, and I can visualize this interesting world easily. I especially enjoy how you turned something as simple as a piece of chalk into something of power. Anyway, awesome job overall. PM me when the next part comes up.

Oh, ya. The names. Let me think... Well, I'm usually a big nitpick about names, and I can't decide my own character's names without knowing what they look like, how they commonly act, and the names of others in my story, although, I've got an idea for this guy. He seems to me like one of those guys that would do good with a very common and well known name like Jack. Yep, with what I've seen so far I think he may be a Jack, but it's up to you. Heck, after reading more, he may need another name. Only you can know for sure if it feels right since you're the author.

Thanks everyone for all your great reviews! I'll write the 1st chapter soon.

If your story takes place in the real world, then involving Shakespeare is okay, but if the rest of the story takes place in your own made up world, then it's a bit of a no no. Since Shakespeare was a real person, it wouldn't make any sense for him to show up in your world, so unless it takes place in real life, then you should change it.

As to the Shakespeare question, the story takes place mostly in the real world, but then when the main character starts his quest it may jump to places that aren't real, like the room of time. There might also be some kind of underground thing that they have to go through, maybe a hidden castle, etc. I'm not exactly sure about how the middle of the story will play out, but I have the basic outline.

This means that a saying something about Shakespeare would be perfectly acceptable, but I am not sure if I will leave it in there. Reading it again, I don't think it works very well in that spot.

I'll work on names, but I know that naming is one of my weak points in writing. I like the suggestion of using a baby naming site. I look for possibilities later.

I'll start the first chapter tomorrow, because today is Thanksgiving. Is that close enough to a turkey?

hey well i think there is alot of diologe that really made it longer than it should of been... like some of its good and keeps the story moving, but it just goes on... but its good... i laughed when he was like.. i aint gonna help you foo, you stole my cat! that was good.

If you want a good website for names, this is a place I usually go to.
http://www.behindthename.com/
It sorts them by nationality, so this will help keep most of the names similar in origin to make them more realistic. Plus it's loaded to the brim with names as well as what they mean.

Oh, and no offense whatsoever to Xena, for she is entitled to her opinion, but I personally believe the dialogue wasn't too long. In fact, I found it well executed and that it went along like a real conversation. Just thought I'd throw in my two cents.

Anyone like the name Jared? Or does anyone have it? That's what I'm considering, but I'm not sure...

Yeah, that's the name I'm going to use for the first draft of chapter one, but I might change it afterwards.

Call me blonde, but I didn't know they had a website for a names nationality.
Anyway, this is one of the best pieces of work I've read on here. Like Mikeb said, this is one of the coolest topics for a story and your writing suits it well. PM me whenever you write more. I would love to read it.

Hello Cocoboy, and welcome to YWS. Is that a Penguin clashing the symbols on top of a polar bear?

“No. It can’t be like this. Not now. Please, not now. Sometime later, let it happen. I don’t care when. Just not now. One more second, please. Give me one more second and it will all turn out right. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything for one more second.”

Good hook and dialogue. Effective in establishing the gravity of the situation.

“Where did that come from?” he asked, hopping down from the little stool and taking a step towards me. “You sounded like you were reciting Shakespeare.”

Haha, reciting Shakespeare.

A moment later, I realized how stupid that had sounded.

Hrmm? Why is that? Why would the narrator think that it had sounded stupid? I would really like to know.

I can’t send you back to right before you fell, but give you another second to save her. I can’t do that. If I did, you would both die. But you are right, I do wish I had Apple back.” The Timekeeper said the last sentence dreamily. I assumed that Apple was the cat’s name.

“There is only one thing I could do,” the Timekeeper continued. “I could send you way back to relive the adventure you just finished, the adventure of getting here in the first place. You would go back, before you came into this room, before you went on your journey to get here, before you found my chalk. Most of all, you would not remember a thing about the venture you just ended. You will have a chance to do it all over again, but set things right at the end. But this time, you would not get a second chance if you failed. Do you agree?”

Hrmm. So the Timekeeper won't send him back in time right before the narrator fell and reverse time one second just to save the girl because of the fear that the narrator too might die, but is willing to reverse time back to when his adventure began? Firstly, why not get him to reverse time a few minutes before the fall took place so that the narrator could prevent it from happening? I mean, the Timekeeper is willing to reverse it all the way back to the start of the adventure. Secondly, if the Timekeeper really cared for him (in one way or another), then it should be made more evident in the piece.

As soon as it was in reach of the Timekeeper, he pulled out the chalk, extended his arm, and wrote, carefully and slowly, the number 0 next to the equation.

Nifty.

Overall impressions:

I quite liked the storyline and concept of this piece, though I would like to see more of the character's motivations/feelings running throughout the piece. Why would the main character want to save Angelia? I have a feeling that they are friends, but I don't really see that chemistry that they once shared. What feelings did he have for the timekeeper before and after the incident? What other conflict can you talk about besides the disagreement between them? It should add more depth to your piece.

The dialogue itself seems to "tell" rather than "show". The reason for this is that it's too linear, it holds the hands of the audience far too much. I think the audience should be capable of guiding themselves though the ideas that the concept presents. You should be using the dialogue to characterise the characters more as to set up more of a conflict between them.

Lastly, include some more descriptions to make the writing seem more lively. Have hourglasses sitting on his work table or machinery working away in the background. You know, just to make the Timekeeper seem more like a Timekeeper.

Well done, and good luck.

Andy.

Really good. Since the other first comers caught all those little mistakes, guess I have to comment and try to help you out.

This prologue makes me intrested real badly (or should I say goodly?). Guess I'll have to wait for the next part. Also, can you help describe the envirement (sorry if I'm repeating). Also, how does the Timekeeper look like? Imagery would help a lot. Everybody must be thinking of different envirements. First, I thought of a classroom because of the stool. Then, inside a clock. Do you get what I mean?

Very good.

I must admit, I didn't read the entire thing due to lack of time...*looks again at clock on computer, realizes must now go to bed* But what I did read, I was so totally jealous of.
Everybody else, I am sure, has critted on any existing grammar and such other things. But what got me was the idea. Wow. The immense, complex sort of apathy in his voice as the Timkeeper talks about the billions that have perished. The sort of fabled, unperceivable volumes it tells. Keep up the work!

You wrote "form" instead of "from."

That was the only thing I caught that everyone else didn't critique already.

That said, I really enjoyed this piece. The title alone caught my attention. I'm especially confused/excited/hooked by the cat. A CAT. The Timekeeper has a CAT?! I'm so confused, and so, so ready to learn more.

Very nice. Gold star for you.

Just a quick review for the moment.

I didn't think it was possible to like this better but I do. You can now see a short, grumpy old guy debating whether or not to give him a second chance, and missing his cat (I love cats). There are reasons to things like not being able to go back a single second.

“Do you want to hear the truth?” Yes, that is what he said. And that is all I remembered after I opened my eyes. It was all I had to aid me on my adventure I was about to repeat. No it wasn’t all. As well as those words, I had a few friends, a piece of chalk, and a cat.

And when I opened my eyes to greet the world and an adventure that I now had no idea I was about to go on, I found myself standing in my bedroom closet.

These paragraphs confused me. Are his friends beside him when he's looking at his bedroom closet? If not, why mention them above?

That's the only really glaring thing I can notice at the moment.

Please. Keep. Writing! And let me know when chapter 1 is up!