Beyond the Hills-Prologue

I'm trying out new stories to see which one works...and, if you just read what I just said, you must read this, and every thing after this...and critt....

Lightning clapped and thunder bellowed. This was the night of the council of Elders.
"A storm is brewing in the east, yet it shan't bring us the rain we so desperately require..." Ro, the youngest of the elders announced. "It brings fire, thunder, death and destruction!" He was standing on the cobbled floor of king James' council room. All the Elders were seated on chairs, neatly assembled in a circle. Ro stood in the middle of this circle.
"What you tell us we know already," Barr said. "We need not to be told what we know already, we need to know what plan we require," Ro spun around, and went to his seat. he was determined to earn the others respect, for he was far too young to be a Elder, and was only there because of his yellow hair.
"But who would come forth with a plan?" King James asked.
"Sir...I will," Por, one of the King's counselors said, standing and striding towards the centre of the circle.
"What we must do, is to find the book of the dead. It's our only hope," Por continued.
"So...what you suggest is to venture deep into the realm of darkness... and start digging? I'm sure the Skeleton lord won't mind us excavating his territory," mocked Ro.
"But what if I had a manner to escape the eyes of the enemy?"

I Know it's not much...but please critt, it is only a prologue

Chapter 1: topic37490.html

Thunder clapped and lightning bellowed. This was the night of the council of Elders.

loved the opening sentance. You did this very well.

"A storm is brewing in the east, yet it shan't bring us the rain we so desperately require..." Ro, the youngest of the elders announced. "It brings fire, thunder, death and destruction!" He was standing on the cobbled floor of king James' council room. All the Elders were seated on chairs, neatly assembled in a circle. Ro stood in the middle of this circle.

Okay I could find nothing wrong here...

"What you tell us we know already." Barr said. "We need not to be told what we know already, we need to know what plan we require." Ro spun around, and went to his seat.

When a charcter speaks put a comma at the end of the diologue instaead of a period. So do this in your first and second dialogue.

"But who would come forth with a plan?" King James asked.

Nothing wrong here that I can see..

"Sir...I will." Por, one of the King's counselors said, standing and striding towards the centre of the circle.

Use that comma instead of a period.

"What we must do, is to find the book of the dead. it's our only hope."

Do the same here. Oh and is it King James speaking?

"So...what you suggest is to venture deep into the realm of darkness..., and start digging? I'm sure the Skeleton lord won't mind us excavating his territory." smirked Ro.

Same here. Use the comma not the period. and you do have a comma after the ... I don't think you need that comma there.

"But what if I had a manner to escape the eyes of the enemy?"

Great cliffhanger. Keep everyone wondering what happens next. *grumbles about cliffhangers* Great job this was a nice piece of work. It is short so I can't say anything much that can help other than your punctuation. You need to use that comma instead of the period when using dialogue. I didn't find any grammar mistakes. So good job, good luck, and keep writing!

Reuben A wrote:Thunder clapped and lightning bellowed I've never seen "bellowed" used to describe lightning. . This was the night of the council of Elders.
"A storm is brewing in the east, yet it shan't bring us the rain we so desperately require..." Ro, the youngest of the elders announced. "It brings fire, thunder, death and destruction!" He was standing on the cobbled floor of king James' council room. All the Elders were seated on chairs, neatly assembled in a circle. Ro stood in the middle of this circle.
"What you tell us we know already."<that period should be a comma Barr said. "We need not to Cut the "to" be told what we know already, we need to know what plan we require." I think you should hit enter here, because this sentence is Ro's action, but the sentence before was Barr's dialogue. What I'm saying is, because the action is not from the same person as who's speaking, it should go on a separate line. I'm pretty sure, anyway. Ro spun around, and went to his seat.
"But who would come forth with a plan?" King James asked.
"Sir...I will." <should be a comma Por, one of the King's counselors said, standing and striding towards the centre of the circle.
"What we must do, <I suppose it can stay, but I don't think this comma is needed is to find the book of the dead. it's <Capitalize that our only hope."
"So...what you suggest is to venture deep into the realm of darkness..., <cut that comma. and start digging? I'm sure the Skeleton lord won't mind us excavating his territory." smirked Ro. "Smirked" should be capitalized, and here's why: Thigns like "said" and "asked" are dialogue tags. Dialogue tags explain the dialogue. You can't "smirk" dialogue, it just doesn't work too well :p.
"But what if I had a manner to escape the eyes of the enemy?"

Besides the dialogue tags, there wasn't anything wrong. It was hooking, which is what you want from a prologue. Good job, and I hope this was helpful ^^

Thunder clapped and lightning bellowed.

Lighting does not bellow. It is thunder that is making the noise. It sure sounds nice, but it makes no sense. Think of the flashing of lighting, and try to reword that line.

OK well seeing as the grammatical things have been pointed out I can only now give you my opinion on this!

At the moment it is too short, but I assume that you will be adding more to this? As it stands I think you could use a little more description, especially about their surroundings as we don't know where they are right now.

I'm not sure if the elders such as Ro are going to be important in the story or the King for that matter but it might be nice to give them a little bit more description, but be careful not to give too much to us all at once, its finding that delicate line bwteen good description and info dumping!!


Anyway, I think this has potential and if you work on it then I would really be interested to read more, good luck!

Meevs
x

Oooh.

I see what thou has presented before my eyes.

And I, the merciful Lord, says thath thou has written a magnificent piece. I must say, though that this work, remindedth me of something.

Ok I'll just continue with some real English now.


The book of the dead.....................

ok..........

Reuben I would love to see you be somewhat more original in this matter.

Have you been reading; necromancer/Vampire/undead/horror in particular/WARHAMMER stories lately?????

Okay the way you wrote it. Is something I truly loved, I love old English.

I shant say thath my, ye old English is perfect.... but, you should really study this some more.

It is really great work though.


continue it.


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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Actually...I haven't read any necromancer/Vampire/undead/horror in particular/WARHAMMER books lately. And sorry about the Thunder clapped lightning bellowed, I thought it was other way around. And again I've forgotten about the comma at the end of a character speaking.....And well...I'l try not to mke any toypo's... but....THANKS FOR YOUR CRITTS!!!

My complaint is that there's no buildup. They tell nothing of what's been happening to the kingdom or why they need to find the Book of the Dead, and I would think that would be something that would be critical for a quest like the one they are proposing. In addition, having Ro stand in the middle of the circle in the beginning is just awkward. If he really is an old man, I don't hink he would really be dancing around the middle of a circle of older people dancing about and yelling about death and destruction. I would have him in the circle, and have the King begin the meeting, and then have Ro say his bit. It seems a bit of slight to the King if one of his advisors speaks before he does.

The main things you need to watch if you're writing about old England are the language and the manners. Society was very structured back then, and people were very formal to people they didn't know, especially among aristocrats. I'm not seeing much of that in this little bit, even though the Elders are probably familiar with each other. In addition, you need to say who said the last line. It's a little word not having any tag there, and it might trip up some readers.

Chosenofair:

They tell nothing of what's been happening to the kingdom or why they need to find the Book of the Dead, and I would think that would be something that would be critical for a quest like the one they are proposing.

It's a prologue, you don't need to know that much yet, you need to read more to find out.

Ro, the youngest of the elders announced.

Yelling?

Ro stood in the middle of this circle.

Dancing?

and have the King begin the meeting

Who says that the meeting has just begun?

The main things you need to watch if you're writing about old England are the language and the manners.

Who said I was writing about old England?

But thanks for your critt.

There were some punctuation errors. There should always be a space after the ...'s.

Honestly, I didn't like this. There was no detail, no sense of setting or the character's personalities, appearances. There was dialogue sure. A beginning of a plot, sure. But unless this is a Preface, what you have just isn’t enough for this kind of story. It’s a Prologue. You need to set us up, give us a taste for what we’re hearing, what’s all around us. The storm was nice. You need more of that.

"What you tell us we know already,” Barr said. "We need not to be told what we know already, we need to know what plan we require,”

Comma should be a period.


Also, you need to capitalize more things. Like The Book of the Dead, and the Skeleton Lord. That would make more of an impact.

I guess that’s all I have for now. Keep writing, and I’ll try to get to Chapter One when I can.

KJ

Gosh, I hate to crit this after you have edited this about a million times. But I only found one thing!!

"So...what you suggest is to venture deep into the realm of darkness... and start digging? I'm sure the Skeleton lord won't mind us excavating his territory," Mocked Ro.

I'm sorry, but I don't particularly like those ..... there. At least, not twice in the same line.
And, Mocked shouldn't be capitalized.

I liked it though. It was good and did it's purpose of a prologue. I am going to read the rest now, so you'll be seeing me again!

Great Prologue

I can't really see any thing wrong that hasn't already been said but i just have to say that this was so great i can't wait to carry on and read more
Feed me
GIVE ME MORE GIVE ME MORE
GIVE
ME
MORE
sorry and again great prologue