The tears of the dead: Prolouge

The Tears of the Dead


A wail sounded in the usually quiet neighborhood. Within the dark house, someone flicked on a lamp.

"Hush, baby, hush," A gentle voice cooed in the semi-lit room.

The young woman glanced at a little white alarm clock sitting on the table beside her.

4:15...A.M. The woman groaned as the little child's crying slowed to gasping sobs.

"Did you have another dream?" The woman asked, holding out the sobbing figure to search her tear stained face. The little one sniffled noisily before nodding.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry.”

"Mama!" The toddler cried when her mother tried to put her to bed. The little girl gripped at her mother’s night gown, afraid to be left. "Sweetie, you must get back to sleep. It was only a dream," The woman soothed in a sweet, calm voice. She kissed the child’s sweaty head and pulled the covers over her daughter, who was already beginning to drowse.

"Mama... please... ma... ma..." The last word was a half snore; the poor child was so tired. The woman sighed and ran her fingers through her hair before turning to go.

The house was quiet, and all the lights were off. The woman had finally fallen back to sleep.

Suddenly, the toddler woke with a start. Her feverish mind made her ignorant to the plight she was in but painfully aware of real but nightmarish pain that shot through her chest. She tried to scream--- she knew her mom would come ---but no sound came out. She couldn’t breathe! She couldn’t scream. Silent tears streamed down her face; her lungs hurt. Why wasn't her mommy coming? Her mommy always came when her chest hurt. Why was she so scared? Why did it hurt so badly? Why couldn't she breathe? The little one's face turned a pale blue.

Then the shadows began to flicker and dance. A figure as dark and hollow as the shadows themselves emerged from the dancing darkness. Terror shot through the trembling, hurting girl. The man from her nightmares had come.

She tried in agonizing defeat to take a breath, to scream. He stepped closer. Darkness shrouded her vision as her lungs screamed for respite. He reached out.

In a final hopeless effort to cry for help, her world turned black. She barely felt deathly cold hands around her as consciousness slipped rapidly from her.

Then it was gone: the pain, the terror, and the flickering shadows. She gasped for the air that had been so hard to get only a moment ago. It felt so good. She whimpered, unable to conjure up the strength to cry for her mom. She shook uncontrollably. She was much too young to understand what death was, and how close she had come to it.

It sounds really interesting and I'm sure it will become a great book, but there are some mistakes.

1: some punctuation problems, don't forget: commas are your friend!
2: Fingures should be fingers, correct?
[s]3: At the end it was a little unclear. Did the child dye or is she just unconscious?[/s]

ha ha! I get it now, sorry about the misinterpretation.

A few spelling errors.

A wail sounded in the usualy quiet nieghborhood

Usualy = usually

With in the dark house some one flicked on a lamb.

It should be within and someone.

"Hush baby hush." A gentle voiced cooed in the semi lit room.

Commas. "Hush, baby, hush."

The house was quiet and all the lights were off.

Also, I think the paragraph after this should be split into several paragraphs.

Darkness shrowed her vission as her lungs scream for repspite. He reached out. In a final hopeless efort to cry for help, her world turned black

Spelling errors abound in this sentence. Nothing a Word document and a dictionary can't fix!

What would a vampire want with a toddler? I'm intrigued. Just fix up some of the spelling, grammar and paragraph problems and I like what you have here!

Hey happybear, Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Stuff I've inserted that I think sounds better
Let's do this thing!

happybear wrote:A wail sounded in the usualy quiet nieghborhood This sentence was worded awkwardly. Try to think of another way to phrase it . With in Within is one word the dark house Insert comma some one flicked on a lamp.
"Hush baby hush." A gentle voiced cooed in the semi lit Should be: semi-lit room.
The young woman glanced at [s]the[/s] a little white alarm clock sitting on the table beside her.
4:15 ... a.m.
The woman groaned as the little child's crying slowed to gasping sobs.
"Did you have another dream?" The woman asked holding [s]out[/s] the sobbing figure and searching its [s]the[/s] tear stained tear-stained face. The little one sniffled noisily before nodding.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry.
"Mama!" The toddler cried when her mother tried to put her to bed. The little girl gripped at her mother night gown afraid to be left. Okay, when you said little one, an that it was crying, I thought it was a baby. So when you said young girl, I got really confused. Please be a bit more specific next time. Tell us she's a young girl earlier in the scene
"Sweety you must get back to sleep. It was only a dream." The woman soothed in a sweet calm voice. She kissed [s]the[/s] the child's sweaty head and pulled the covers over the already drowsing form Again, this sentence was awkwardly worded. Rephrase please .
"Mama... please... ma... ma..." The last word was a half snore Insert semicolon the poor child was so tired. The woman sighed and ran her fingures through her hair before turning to go.

The house was quiet and all the lights were off. The woman had finally fallen back to sleep. New paragraph here Suddenly Insert comma the toddler woke with a start. Her feaverish mind made her ignorant to the plight she was in but painfully aware I had no idea what you were saying in this sentence. Were you talking about the nightmare or reality. PLease be more specific . She tried to scream, she knew her mom would come, but no sound came out. She couldnt breath! [s]She couldn't scream.[/s] Silent tear streamed down her face Insert semicolon her lungs hurt. Why wasn't her mommy coming? Her mommy always came when her chest hurt. Why was she so scared insert comma why did it hurt so bad? Why couldn't she breathe! The little one's face turned a pale blue. [s]Then the shadows began to dance as they would if a candle was the lighting in the room. [/s] A figure as dark and hollow as the shadow themself emerged from the dancing darkness. Terror shot through the trembling hurting girl. The man from her nightmares had come. New paragraph She tried in agonising defeat to take a breath, to scream. He stepped closer. Darkness shrowded her vission as her lungs screamed for re[s]p[/s]spite. He reached out. New paragraph In a final hopeless effort to cry for help, her world turned black. She barely felt deathly cold hands around her as conciseness slipped rappidly from her. Then it was gone: the pain the terror the flicking shadows. She gasped for the air that had been so hard to get only a moment ago. It felt so good. She whimpered unable to conjure up the guts to Howl.

Interesting story you've got here! It has great potential! Here are a few additional suggestions:

Confusion: Okay, I got confused a lot in this piece. I pointed out the main areas above. Slow down, take the time to explain to your readers what's going on so they can be fully immersed in your world and the young girl's fears. The way that you worded some of your sentences caused most of the confusion because either they were a bit too long or they weren't worded in a way that was easy to understand. Slow down is key to this piece so your readers can come into your world without saying, "wait, I don't get it".

Who?: Minor problem but I didn't get that the "little one" you were talking about was a toddler not a baby. Try to be a bit more specific.

Formatting: Watch out for formatting and grammatical issues. You need to space out your paragraphs a bit more. Large chunks especially in action scenes should be split up into smaller paragraphs. Also watch your wording. It's a bit awkward in some areas.

Other than that, well done! If you have any questions, PM me!

Wow thankyou guys so much! I went back and fixed it all!

Okay, I know you wrote this ages ago, and that's why I haven't posted on it, but I just couldn't resist, to tell the truth. You've got a great story going here, but your spelling and punctuation is atrocious. It's better since you fixed it, but the mistakes still abound, and, believe me, that kind of thing could take away the dramatic value of Jane Eyre. So, here we go. Please don't be offended at my picking it apart, "I'm only here to help you," as someone great once said. Read it over carefully; the little red marks are hard to read sometimes!

A wail sounded in the usually quiet neighborhood. Within the dark house,Don't make them separate paragraphs! someone flicked on a lamp.

"Hush, baby, hush," a gentle voice cooed in the semi-lit room.

The young woman glanced at a little white alarm clock sitting on the table beside her.

4:15...am. The woman groaned as the little child's crying slowed to gasping sobs.

"Did you have another dream?" the woman asked, holding out the sobbing figure to search her tear stained face. The little one sniffled noisily before nodding.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry."

"Mama!" the toddler cried when her mother tried to put her to bed. The little girl gripped at her mother's night gown, afraid to be left. "Sweetie, you must get back to sleep. It was only a dream," the woman soothed in a sweet, calm voice. She kissed the child’s sweaty head and pulled the covers over her daughter, who was already beginning to drowse.

"Mama... please... ma... ma..." The last word was a half snore; the poor child was so tired. The woman sighed and ran her fingers through her hair before turning to go.

The house was quiet, and all the lights were off. The woman had finally fallen back to sleep.

Suddenly, the toddler woke with a start. Her feverish mind made her ignorant to the plight she was in but painfully aware of real but nightmarish pain that shot through her chest. She tried to scream--- she knew her mom would come--- but no sound came out. She couldn’t breathe! She couldn’t scream. Silent tears streamed down her face; her lungs hurt. Why wasn't her mommy coming? Her mommy always came when her chest hurt. Why was she so scared? Why did it hurt so badly? Why couldn't she breathe? The little one's face turned a pale blue.

Then the shadows began to flicker and dance. A figure as dark and hollow as the shadows themselves emerged from the dancing darkness. Terror shot through the trembling, hurting girl. The man from her nightmares had come.

She tried in agonizing defeat to take a breath, to scream. He stepped closer. Darkness shrouded her vision as her lungs screamed for respite. He reached out.

In a final hopeless effort to cry for help, her world turned black. She barely felt deathly cold hands around her as consciousness slipped rapidly from her.

Then it was gone: the pain, the terror, the flickering shadows. She gasped for the air that had been so hard to get only a moment ago. It felt so good. She whimpered, unable to conjure up the strength to cry for her mom. She shook uncontrollably. She much too young to understand what death was, and how close she had come to it.

The beginning needs a little more work. It seemed a little plain in its description, and I would have gotten bored and quit if I hadn't read fast enough. There are also some punctuation errors, too, but I liked this overall-- it was pretty interesting. =3