The Death Trilogy-Book 1-Chapter 1

ok this story is not my own work, it is a story one of my friends is writing and i have full permission to submit it to sites and see what other people think about it as i am her editor, so enjoy and leave tons of comments so i can let her know what to improve on.
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I threw my friends lives away so that I would be safe. They were nothing to me; I just dropped them in the dust, like nothing. A war is no time to lose your allies, and I lost all my allies during that fatal battle. I watched them all die and I could do nothing to stop it.

Vampires, fighting and dying alongside their kinsmen. My children, my family, my coven, my friends, all of them dead, because of me. My home and my purpose are gone. It ended when she died in my arms. She looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. A tiny mortal fighting to live by me, a vampire hardened by experience and death. She smiled at me as she coughed up more blood. She whispered her last words and breathed her last breath, and she died. She died for me, and now I am no one. Nothing.

I was a great Vampire Leader, but that person is gone, replaced with a lone monster. Gone with nothing left to have. Nothing left to gain. I remember now all those who died and left me behind to wallow in my misery. Kelsey. Dominic. Andromeda. Jake. Merle. Cheyne. Christian. Satine. Oh Satine, I’m sorry. I should never, I always, I didn’t mean, there are thousands of words I could and should say, but I can’t. In my mind, you aren’t gone yet. I fear that as soon as I say it, you’ll be gone. I’ll never be able to look on your face again. I see you the way I knew you, happy and klutzy. Your hair so beautiful, flowing down your back, like a raven’s wing. Your eyes, so red it looks like wine. You were always very pale, but beautifully pale.

I’m not here to complain, I’m here to tell you what happened to me and my friends. I must warn you, this story has no happy ending. You can think all you want about how this story will be happy and enjoyable, but it won’t. I promise. I was there. I should know. I’m the one in misery, not Christian, not Dominic, not Satine. Just me.

Hello there. As for your friend who wrote this, she pretty much could write but then again, there are just these inevitable nuisances that she has to take care of.

vamplord12 wrote:ok this story is not my own work, it is a story one of my friends is writing and i have full permission to submit it to sites and see what other people think about it as i am her editor, so enjoy and leave tons of comments so i can let her know what to improve on.
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I threw my friends lives away so that I would be safe. They were nothing to me; I just dropped them in the dust, like nothing. A war is no time to lose your allies, and I lost all my allies during that fatal battle. I watched them all die [s]and[/s]but I could do nothing to stop it.

Vampires [no need for the comma since fighting and dying do not directly describe that vampires are.] fighting and dying alongside their kinsmen. My children, my family, my coven, my friends, all of them dead [LOSE the COMMA YET AGAIN.] because of me. My home and my purpose are gone. It ended when she died in my arms. [I thought you could end the par with that last line, then bring down the next one.]


She looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. A tiny mortal fighting to live by me, a vampire hardened by experience and [maybe you could put "finally"]death. She smiled at me as she coughed up more blood. She whispered her last words and breathed her last breath, and she died. [there's too many and's here. combine two parts then you're good to go] She died for me, and now I am no one. Nothing.

I was a great Vampire Leader, but that person is gone, replaced with a lone monster. [s]Gone with nothing left to have. Nothing left to gain.[/s] I remember now all those who died and left me behind to wallow in my misery. Kelsey. Dominic. Andromeda. Jake. Merle. Cheyne. Christian. Satine. Oh Satine, I’m sorry. I should never, I always, I didn’t mean, there are thousands of words I could and should say, but I can’t. In my mind, you aren’t gone yet. [ pretty much annoyed me. your point of view changed so suddenly. If you're going to make a quick transition, might as well start in the beginning of a particular paragraph] [Oh and the periods, spare them! make them commas or something]I fear that as soon as I say it, you’ll be gone. I’ll never be able to look on your face again. I see you the way I knew you, happy and klutzy. Your hair so beautiful, flowing down your back, like a raven’s wing. Your eyes, so red it looks like wine. You were always very pale, but beautifully pale.

[then it rushes to an unusual change yet again] I’m not here to complain, I’m here to tell you what happened to me and my friends. I must warn you, this story has no happy ending. You can think all you want about how this story will be happy and enjoyable, but it won’t. I promise. I was there. I should know. I’m the one in misery, not Christian, not Dominic, not Satine. Just me.

Overall, it is grudgingly okay. Just needs more editing but other than that, she has potential.

<3 JACE

Really good. It hooked me in and really interested me.

Hey there.

I threw my friends lives away so that I would be safe. They were nothing to me; I just dropped them in the dust, like nothing. A war is no time to lose your allies, and I lost all my allies during that fatal battle. I watched them all die and I could do nothing to stop it.

Drop them in the dust? What do you mean? Do you mean that they were destroyed into dust?

Vampires, fighting and dying alongside their kinsmen. My children, my family, my coven, my friends, all of them dead, because of me. My home and my purpose are gone. It ended when she died in my arms. She looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. A tiny mortal fighting to live by me, a vampire hardened by experience and death. She smiled at me as she coughed up more blood. She whispered her last words and breathed her last breath, and she died. She died for me, and now I am no one. Nothing.

Cliche death. Bit melodramatic and exaggerated don't you think? And what's with the repetition of your narrator being a coward? I already get the fact that he is a coward, no need to be so whiny about it -.-

I was a great Vampire Leader, but that person is gone, replaced with a lone monster. Gone with nothing left to have. Nothing left to gain. I remember now all those who died and left me behind to wallow in my misery. Kelsey. Dominic. Andromeda. Jake. Merle. Cheyne. Christian. Satine. Oh Satine, I’m sorry. I should never, I always, I didn’t mean, there are thousands of words I could and should say, but I can’t. In my mind, you aren’t gone yet. I fear that as soon as I say it, you’ll be gone. I’ll never be able to look on your face again. I see you the way I knew you, happy and klutzy. Your hair so beautiful, flowing down your back, like a raven’s wing. Your eyes, so red it looks like wine. You were always very pale, but beautifully pale.

Omg more cliches. Beautiful hair, eyes, skin. Yip, typical mary sue descriptions. And again with the repetition that he is a coward. And what the heck is with the cheesy and forced apology of his fallen comrades? If they are that important, then time should had been taken in developing the narrator's feelings and thoughts for each of their losses.

I’m not here to complain, I’m here to tell you what happened to me and my friends. I must warn you, this story has no happy ending. You can think all you want about how this story will be happy and enjoyable, but it won’t. I promise. I was there. I should know. I’m the one in misery, not Christian, not Dominic, not Satine. Just me.

But you are complaining now.

Overall impressions:

This is just rushed and forced work. Seriously. How on earth did a leader turned into a coward. This is never explained. What are the reasons for the narrator for not giving a dang for their deaths? Why is the narrator mourning the lost of a mary sue looking girl? Details details details! And do you even know what are vampires? I fail to see the "vampire" in it. Research what vampires are please. This is just a disgrace to vampires. They have such a deep mythos to them, yet this piece bears none.

In the end, this was just bland to read, and I even question if this is realistic or not, or more importantly, if they are vampires at all.

Andy.

worry you not, dream of the fayth, there will be more details on this in future chapters...i just have not put them up yet

I thought it was okay. It was not my favorite but, Dan, you know me. I can't keep my focus for than a few minutes before I trail off. It could have used more detial and more to the story overall. I did not understand it.

Edits in bold.

vamplord12 wrote:-----------------------------------------

I threw my friends lives away so that I would be safe. I think that this sentence isn't the best to begin with, because is seems too dull and matter-of-fact. They were nothing to me; I just dropped them in the dust, like nothing. Repetition of "nothing" doesn't sound very good. A war is no time to lose your allies, and I lost all my allies during that fatal battle. I watched them all die and I could do nothing to stop it. I don't really like this paragraph. It's too repetitive and there's no detail.

Vampires, fighting and dying alongside their kinsmen. My children, my family, my coven, my friends, all of them dead, because of me. My home and my purpose are gone. It ended when she died in my arms. She looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. A tiny mortal fighting to live by me, a vampire hardened by experience and death. Good sentence. She smiled at me as she coughed up more blood. She whispered her last words and breathed her last breath, and she died. What were her last words? She died for me, and now I am no one. Nothing. The word nothing is used too much.

I was a great Vampire Leader, but that person is gone, replaced with a lone monster. Gone with nothing left to have. Nothing Again, you used "nothing" in two sentences in a row. left to gain. I remember now all those who died and left me behind to wallow in my misery. Kelsey. Dominic. Andromeda. Jake. Merle. Cheyne. Christian. Satine. Oh Satine, I’m sorry. I should never, I always, I didn’t mean, there are thousands of words I could and should say, but I can’t. In my mind, you aren’t gone yet. I fear that as soon as I say it, you’ll be gone. I’ll never be able to look on your face again. I see you the way I knew you, happy and klutzy. Your hair so beautiful, flowing down your back, like a raven’s wing. Your eyes, so red it looks like wine. You were always very pale, but beautifully pale. I'm not sure what I think about this paragraph. It started out good, but I don't like the ending as much. I'm guessing Satine is the one who died in her arms?

I’m not here to complain, I’m here to tell you what happened to me and my friends. I liked this sentence. I must warn you, this story has no happy ending. You can think all you want about how this story will be happy and enjoyable, but it won’t. I promise. I was there. I should know. I’m the one in misery, not Christian, not Dominic, not Satine. Just me. Now, you're complaining. I liked the "I'm not here to complain", but you either have to get rid of that or "I'm the one in misery..." Other than that, This paragraph was really good.

Here's what I think: more detail, less of nothing. The word was used way too much. It was also too dull. The only thing that kept me reading was the fact that it was short. Give people something to get hooked on. I think that because of your last sentence some people will want to read on (I'll read the next chapter), but if they don't want to read until then...

Anyways, it was pretty good, especially grammar, just work on detail.

I'll rate it 7/10

Teh Wozzinator

Well, I think it was nice, but if I walked into a bookstore and picked it up and read the first page, I think I'd get bored and put it down. I think it was sort of slowly dragged along like when someone drags their feet along in the dust because your depressed. I think that kind of walking bores people, and something more suitable would be bouncing along, but not too quickly. Sort of like a stride. I guess it's hard to explain, but I hope you understand it with me comparing writing to walking. To sum it up, I guess it needs some more flow.

Hmm. What I want to point out first is that wine isn't red. Okay, so maybe I'm going a little overboard on that tiny detail but it's just that I love a good drink after supper and as far as I can remember, wine isn't red. It's more of red with purple, or purple with red, either way, not entirely red. So there.

I understand the need to withhold details since this is like a prologue, a part wherein the MC is warning the reader of the perils to come. However, it has a lot of... unnecessary things, as pointed by those above me. It did sound a bit boring and it could use some re-writing and editing.

I just don't get what feelings I should be having for this fallen Vampire Lord. What does he want from me, I ask myself. Sympathy? Pity? Does he want to tug at my heartstrings so that I would turn the next page? Or is he there to simply complain (sorry, it does seem like complaining) and for us to have a random chat? In the same manner that old people sometimes talk about random things over a cup of warm tea, with me having more interest with the dark liquid held by a green cup in my hands rather than the murmuring noise passing into my ears?

If this work is re-written nicely, it would hold attention and perhaps, more. It would shine some light on the mysteries of a Vampire Lord. I haven't read many books that focus on a vampire leader. I hope this would be one of the best.

I wish your friend the best of luck on this one.

Well, I don't know what Dream, and all of the others who critizized (sp) you were thinking. I thought it was exelent. It reminded me instantly of Twilight. Did the writer get inspired by Twilight? And as for Dream, not all vampires have to be the same. read Twilight if you want proof. And the drop in the dust was good, if you look at what it means instead of the action its alot more understandable. (Dust trails the floor, which you walk on. To "drop in the dust" probably means to let go of, just let them trail underneath him/her and not pay attention to them."

And as for understanding, this seems like a very nice prologue, you aren't sopposed to understand the prologue. Not understanding is what drives the reader to get to the solution.

Tell the writer I am an instant fan. And to keep going, don't let anyone slow him/her down.

I liked it. There are too many I's used at the begining of the sentances. If you change the sentances around they won't sound repetitive. Thats all I could find wrong with it. Good luck.

I was a gripping introduction in my opinion, an it would compell me to read on, though i am worried, as it is easy to become lost in the sombre mood of the introduction. What i am trying to say is that if this introduction is so awful and lonely, the beginning of the book would have trouble to sound like none of this has happened yet. Obviously, this is all i have read and so i cannot say that my opinion counts for much. But i think it has very good potential.

Can your friend think of a better name than 'The Death Trilogy'? If I saw something on the shelf entitled 'The Death Trilogy' I wouldn't want to read it. It just seems too over-the-top angsty and sad.

Also, Satine's character, as it stands, is a textbook Mary Sue. We don't know anything about who she was as a character or what she did, but we are told in detail about her "hair so beautiful, flowing down your back, like a raven's wing"

This was a depressing passage, so I'm glad that it's only the beginning of a whole trilogy. Good luck to your friend and I'm looking forward to seeing this story develop.