Conquest of Drake

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“It seems we have come to the Gates of Hell,” murmured the man, flying on the neck of his dragon.

His first lieutenant crossed the dragon’s back up to where his captain was standing to get a better view of the surroundings. “So this is the land of Acerbia, eh? Bitter wasteland indeed. How those wretched monsters lived there, I have no clue…” He said, staring with a simplistic expression down at the smoky volcanoes.

“ Well, it won’t matter long if their plans work out,” the captain replied.

His dragon snorted and in a raspy voice and exclaimed, “Do you really think they can cross the borders into Gnome country?”

“According to the records of the last time they tried to, it is quite probable.” He replied.

“After the huge war, which took almost 10 years to end, the nations of the world declared that Acerbia would be a closely monitored nation. Over the years, the power of the other nations has declined in Acerbia, due to wars being fought between themselves. Recently, the remaining troops stationed in Acerbia had all but a few been over-run and taken prisoner by a huge a rebellion. The few survivors barely made to Gnome country alive. Now, there was no way of gaining intelligence from the country.”

“And I think you know what our wonderful government’s idea was to gain intelligence, now that there was no other way,” Willoughby concluded sarcastically.

Currently, they were flying ever closer to the area the government thought would be an important military center, due to the volcanoes in the area being the hottest recorded in the world.

“Sir, sir! I see it!,” a young rifleman shouted, pointing towards the right flank of the dragon.

Capt. Willoughby quickly maneuvered himself across the dragon’s harness, strapping his harness to each of the rings on the dragon’s harness until he reached his crewmember. He pulled out his binoculars and looked through the lens. Finally, he managed to look through the acidic smoke and indeed he saw the volcano they were looking for. Smoke was billowing out of the top. But what intrigued him the most was the appearance of a long line of Golems, which kept expanding. With a grim expression, he remembered the small lesson they were given before they had left.

Golems were creatures made out of volcanic stone. A core of dark magic said to be inside them powered the creatures. They were an unstoppable force for the most part; water and light magic were the only ways of destroying them, but water was more practical since light magic was only practiced in Gnome country. If the goblins were to repeat their historical campaign again, Golems would be used as moving walls. They required no upkeep, and thus beloved by the Goblic army. The one drawback from Golems however is that they are slow. It would take weeks to get out of Acerbia itself.

“Mmm… I believe that is all the info we need. Should I tell the men to turn back?,” The riflemen asked nervously, head over the captain’s shoulder.

The captain chuckled heartily and returned to his station. He rummaged through his sack until he found his speaking horn, into which he shouted into, “Men, prepare to land!”.

When he saw the shock on their faces, he just laughed and urged them on. Due to the horrid smoke, they were required to put on their required goggles and mouth masks. The mask itself was just a piece of fabric that could be strapped onto their helmets. It would allow air in, but not the smoke. He pointed out to the dragon their landing position, roughly a couple hundred yards away from the ‘Hellish Gate’, the nickname the men had given previously mentioned volcano.

The dragon spiraled downwards, trying to find the best place for its huge body. Finally, it found an open clearing and landed. The crew unhooked their harnesses from the dragon’s, and got off. The captain counted to make sure they were all there, “48, 49, and 50; that would be all.”

“ All of you listen up!” Willoughby shouted, catching their attention. “Group together in your ranks!” The men assembled themselves into rows, all of the rows belonging to one rank.

“Mmm… riflemen and medapackers, send half of your power with me.” He announced. Soon, half of the riflemen and the Medical Pack carriers were behind him. “Two scouts please.” Two younger men came from the back of their row. They signaled to the captain, and filed behind him. “ Sprayers, divide as well!” 6 men with huge tanks of water on their backs came to his side. Sprayers were usually a two men team; one to turn on the valve, and one to direct the water. However, since this trip had to be light, they opted for the sized down version, in which the valve is in the hose itself.

“The rest of you, protect Dexterius here.” He pointed towards his dragon. He trotted to his dragon’s side and gave him a good rub. “Be careful.” He rumbled solemnly. Though his species are born in places like this, he despised it. He much preferred his homeland, where his nice forest clearing and his friends were.

“Don’t worry.” Willoughby replied, “But remember, the first priority if you get attacked is to get out of here and report back. If that occurs, Todd will be your new captain.” He replied, pointing towards his first lieutenant. Dex gave a small sigh of approval; he had been with Willoughby for almost 15 years already.

Willoughby turned behind him to look at the troops that were coming with him: 10 Riflemen, 5 Medic Pack carriers, 2 scouts, and 6 Sprayers. “Should be sufficient,” he murmured to himself.

With a quick hand motion, they started along the lonely trail. The ground was black with soot, and the sky looked alive with fire. After a few minutes of walking, Willoughby ordered his men to split up and hide behind two boulders on the side of the road. When they had settled, he called out for two scouts, when they reached him; they huddled beside him to hear what he had to say.

“ We’re getting near the proximity of the volcano,” he whispered, his voice barely audible through his mask, “ I fear if we get any closer, we’ll be detected. So…” Willoughby started to map out a little outline in the soot. He drew in the attention of the most of his troops behind the boulder he was behind. When he finished, he asked the scouts if they had comprehended. They nodded, and were off in flash.

Slowly, they managed to crawl up the nearby ridge. “Give me your telescope,” the older of two scouts whispered as they lay on their bellies.

The other rummaged through his pack and pulled it out. He wiped the lens and handed it over. The scout thanked him and pulled it out to its full length. From their position, the volcano towered over them, and they had a clear viewing field. He pressed the scope to his eye, closed the other, and started to squirm around looking for any troops a long the trail. Indeed, there was a small encampment of Goblic infantrymen at the far end of the path. They were just milling around for the most part.

When he told his findings to his peer scout, they both agreed to report to Willoughby instead of following out with the plan, which was to wait and see if they would go to a different post. They managed to stumble half-controllably down the ridge until they had reached their captain.

“Did you see what weapons they had?” he inquired, dusting off his goggles the best he could when they had told him of what they saw. “Just maces and a couple of spears sir, but no doubt we’d create a hell of a commotion fighting them.” The scout replied.

Willoughby murmured in agreement. “Mmm… while I doubt the king will be happy with us just getting this far, it’d be best to turn back. We have enough info to confirm that they are preparing for something, so it seems our mission was not just a waste of time.” He concluded.

He signaled to his men hiding behind the other boulder, and they started their return trek to Willoughby’s dragon. As they got nearer however, they could hear the clanging of swords, the spraying of water, and rifles being reloaded. They quickly hurried their pace, and got to the clearing where Dexterius had landed. As they could clearly see, their suspicions had been correct; a small party of goblins, no doubt just a patrolling unit, had stumbled across their landing strip.

While they were obviously no threat to Willoughby’s men, they were already fleeing on their quick steeds. Which, not to the surprise of many, were wolves. However, the riflemen had shot off most of the fleeing troops, and only a handful escaped. The ones that were able to flee were laughing wretchedly and joking in their native tone. Willoughby bent over one of the slain Goblins; to his surprise it opened its eyes and gave a dry laugh, which caught the attention of the whole crew.

“Too late.” It murmured. It then gave a final, bloody cough, and fell silent. Without having to be told, the crew put on their harnesses and climbed onto Dex. Willoughby hurriedly checked that everyone was secure, and then urged Dex into the sky.

“Sir, do you think they can report back before we get out of here, and back to Gnome country?” Todd asked, a note of fear in his voice. “Of course they will,” Willoughby replied dryly.

While their current position provided them only a 3-day time total of getting back to Gnome country, as many foreigners called it, he was sure they would experience trouble. He ushered Todd back to his post, and started a conversation with his oddly quiet dragon. “Could you tell me what happened?,” Willoughby inquired. In his low, rumbling voice Dex started the tale.

“Shortly after you left, the damn blighters came charging into the clearing. There were only 8 or so, and they didn’t put up much of fight. But as you saw, a couple managed to escape.” “I was quite interested in their weapons however. They seemed unique… not of the type we use,” He murmured in thought.

“What? You think our greatest military inventions are boring, what could they possibly have that is so unique to you?” Willoughby asked, a tone of superiority in his voice.

“Well, they seemed to have guns made out of volcanic stone. They didn’t have time use them, but one accidentally fired his off, and it shot what looked like a globule of lava.” Dex replied.

Willoughby gasped in fear, and was rocked quite heavily by this tidbit. Such guns would be a danger in any circumstance. “Thank God they didn’t use them… but if they can develop such damaging rifles, who knows what else they have in store!”

The rest of the day was uneventful. They had to land a few times, to give Dex his daily rations of water and food, but they were not discovered. However, the third day was something Willoughby, Dex, and his crew would not forget for a while. It was around high noon. The crew took turns climbing farther down Dex’s backside, where their rations were stored, for food and water, when in front of Dex a huge, orange globule whizzed past them.

Willoughby, having been snapped out of his state of shock by Todd, quickly issued his men to get to their stations and prepare their weapons. Soon, their weapons were loaded, and most of Dex’s body was protected, either by troops or armor.

“So, my fears were correct! Bloody Lava cannons, no doubt.” Willoughby muttered angrily.

“Shall I ordered bombs to be dropped Capt.?,” Todd asked. Willoughby though for a while, and then he shook his head.

“We’ll have to get out here as quickly as possible. Our rations have already shrunk.” He replied, and then he turned back to his dragon. “Climb to a higher elevation. I doubt they have winged beasts.” He ordered. Soon, Dex was above cloud cover. However, the wind was too chilling and they were forced to go back under.

“Damn it!” Willoughby shouted. “Capt., we are being trailed!” one of his crewmen shouted. He quickly turned around, and to his horror, saw a huge black bird trailing behind them; its blood red eyes seemed to be probing the crew and Dex. It gave a small squawk, and dived to Dex’s elevation. Willoughby saw Goblins crawling out onto the wing, preparing their weapons.

“Fire at will!,” he commanded. The crew near the end quickly turned to their right, and shot off a volley. Most of the shots missed, due to the wind. But 2 bullets made it and shoved themselves into the heads two Goblins. They fell to the ground, shrieking in a gruesome, low-pitched noise.

Willoughby then ordered Dex to be directly next to the bird, so they could fire more directly. Before Dex could do so, the Goblins themselves shot randomly at them with their rifles. Most of the shots missed, but a couple hit Dex’s armor. The places that were hit instantly melted, leaving dents in the armor. Dex quickly managed to follow Willoughby’s order, however, and the crew fired a massive volley, scoring many hits. Practically the whole Goblin crew got hit, and fell

. Only two were left, but they seemed to be more familiar with flying. One of the Goblins had what appeared to be a rein from the bird, which he tugged on. The bird, much to the amazement of Willoughby’s crew, quickly barrel-rolled diagonally, and was now on top of Dex. They were clearly trying to get steal, or at least dispose of, their provisions. The men reloaded and shot at the bird, clipping a wing. However, the bird still flew after them in blind fury, and was getting every closer to their provisions.

“Dex, see if you can loop behind it and spit.” Willoughby ordered, quickly strapping himself in.

Dex took a deep breath, and then launched himself upward and over the bird. The crew gave a small shriek of surprise as they turned upside down, but they were all strapped down. Dex finished the loop, and was behind the bird. He tried to spit his acid, (It was blood red in color, and burned anything it touched), but the bird evaded.

The goblin that was not controlling the bird managed to fire a shot at them as the bird pulled beside them. By the look of the goblin’s face, the shot had met its mark. The remaining survivors and the bird quickly flew away, filling the air with sick laughter.

Willoughby was confused, for he had not heard any cry of terror that usually came with being shot, but he soon realized what had happened when he smelled something burning. He turned around, and saw that the provisions had been alighted by the shot! The sprayers were battling the fire as best they could, but by the time they had killed it, most of their resources were charred.

However, his bad spirits did not last long. Being too concentrated on the battle before, he had not realized that they were soon nearing the end of the bitter land. The smoke was starting to clear from the air, and clouds were not pitch black any more. The ground beneath them was turning greener, and Dex’s spirits were lifting.

They reached Gnome country later that day. For a few weeks, they flew throughout the country until they reached the capitol of Prishop. There, they reported to the Terrakian embassy, where they told their story. Soon, a courier dragon was sent to Terrake to bring the news. Little did they know, the war had just begun.
Last edited by Temeraire :3 on Mon Dec 24, 2007 5:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Whoa! Text blocks of doom!
I know I sound like a really picky reviewer here, but could you space it up a little more and send a PM my way? (Just edit the post.) It's really hard on the eyes right now.

Thanks!
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As promised, I'm commenting! Sorry it took a while... my mom took one look at my room and flipped out, so of course I had to clean it. ;)

Now, for some reason I am known as one of the "harsher" critiquers in YWS. So, if it can get past me, then it must be really good. So don't mind me... I can be incredibly nit-picky. I want you to get better. :D

I am going to critique your story like a publisher would read it by putting down my thoughts and concerns as I read it down. Mind you, I don't know if you want to be published or not, but it's good practice, no? Ready? Set? Here I go! :D

“It seems we have come to the Gates of Hell,” murmured the man, flying on the neck of his dragon. His first lieutenant crossed the dragon’s back up to where his captain was standing to get a better view of the surroundings. “So this is the land of Acerbia, eh? Bitter wasteland indeed. How those wretched monsters lived there, I have no clue…” He said, staring with a simplistic expression down at the smoky volcanoes. “ Well, it won’t matter long if their plans work out,” the captain replied. His dragon snorted and in a raspy voice and exclaimed, “Do you really think they can cross the borders into Gnome country?”
“According to the records of the last time they tried to, it is quite probable.” He replied.


First of all, I know that this is probably copied and pasted, so you really can't see the tabs that would usually be there. With that said, we put spaces between each and every paragraph. So when you saw my first comments, I separated them out with spaces between each paragraph. This is really hard to do in Word and it's a big bother, but I found out a way to make this easier! Simply do a Find/Replace. Then you find ^p and replace all with ^p^p. Bam! You get spaces between each paragraph. :)

So now it would look like this:

“It seems we have come to the Gates of Hell,” murmured the man, flying on the neck of his dragon. His first lieutenant crossed the dragon’s back up to where his captain was standing to get a better view of the surroundings.

“So this is the land of Acerbia, eh? Bitter wasteland indeed. How those wretched monsters lived there, I have no clue…” He said, staring with a simplistic expression down at the smoky volcanoes. “ Well, it won’t matter long if their plans work out,” the captain replied.

His dragon snorted and in a raspy voice and exclaimed, “Do you really think they can cross the borders into Gnome country?”

“According to the records of the last time they tried to, it is quite probable.” He replied.


Please notice that I put a space whenever a new character said something. When I first started writing, I couldn't understand paragraphs at all, but there is actually a pattern to them. Whenever a different character starts to speak, you separate it in its own paragraph. Whenever a different character starts his own action, you separate it in its own paragraph. It takes a bit of getting used to, but it can be done. ^_^

With that said, your dialogue grammar is a little off. For instance, it should be:

“According to the records of the last time they tried to, it is quite probable,” he replied.

I've put together a list of dialogue grammar rules -- well... not exactly rules, but examples of dialogue grammar in action. You can see the list here, at my site.

Moving on, the biggest hurdle of the introduction is the grammar. Once you get past that, you actually have fairly interesting dialogue and hook. So you need to clean up the grammar first, so that people will read past that. ;)

The captain was referring to a time around 500 years ago, when the Goblins of the Wasteland had tried to claim revenge on the world. The Goblic summoners were masters at their trade; they were able to summon about every beast imaginable. They gave Goblin soldiers wolves to ride on, erected thousands of Golems to form moving walls, and many other beasts that one would have nightmares about. After the huge war, the nations of the world declared that Acerbia would be a closely monitored nation. Over the years, the power of the other nations has declined in Acerbia, due to wars being fought between themselves. Recently, the remaining troops stationed in Acerbia had all but a few been over-run and taken prisoner by a huge a rebellion. The few survivors barely made to Gnome country alive. Now, there was no way of gaining intelligence from the country.

And this is where Capt. Willoughby and his crew come in. His dragon, being one of the only purebred “fire” dragons left, (a Fafnier, to be exact), was sent on a reconnaissance mission to investigate the on goings of the land. Currently, they were flying ever closer to the area the government thought would be an important military center, due to the volcanoes in the area being the hottest recorded in the world.


This is all background information. The problem? I don't really care. Can you possibly incorporate this information in the dialogue? You're so good at dialogue, I don't want to see your original hook ruined by a blob of description. ;)

I looked through the rest, and it did look interesting, though I won't comment too much about it. I am interested in what you can do with the story. However, I will warn you -- this whole thing was EXTREMELY hard to read. You need to learn how to paragraph correctly, otherwise no one will want to read your interesting story because it's too hard to read. Paragraphs lump similar ideas together, and when I see a blog of text with completely different ideas stuck in it, my mind starts to try to commit suicide. Not good.

I recommend this link. It explains how to paragraph for novelists, such as yourself.

So anyway, hope everything turns out well. Read the links, edit, and make your story even prettier. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Thanks Snoink! I'll check out the links.
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Is it more readable now, Snoink?
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Hey, I'm here! First, your dialogue seemed a little bit strained. I don't think people would really talk like that. Try watching how the characters in a fantasy movie talk, that should help you with your dialogue.

Second, when the captain starts explaining about a huge war and the Goblins etc. etc. it got very boring. I almost stopped reading. Gradually introduce the history of your world into your story. Maybe you can add a prologue explaining this stuff. Usually when you have a history to tell that the reader needs to know, you use a prologue. I think.

Also, your characters are just characters. Paper and ink. You don't seem to give them any unique characteristics. How do they talk? Reveal their personalities within the dialogue. It will help make them individual.

All in all, I find the history of your world very interesting and the dragons turned out great.

All I suggest is you work on your character development and dialogue.

Good work,
Nariel
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Actually, this was going to turn out as a prologue. All the people you see here will be vital in the latter parts of the story.

That is why I barely gave any personality to them, except for Willoughby and Dex.
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Just my two cents on the rather lumpish explanation on the first Goblin War, but you don't need it here. There's no need to explain the backstory this early, and a reader will always feel proud of piecing it together for themselves as the story progresses.

"The rest of the day was pretty uneventful"

You need to lose the "pretty" here, use quite if you need to, or just lose the word completely.

"not of the type we use,” He murmured thereafter.

I know everyone has their own writing style, but to me 'thereafter' seemed a little tried to me.

And finally, the final paragraph seems a little rushed. You don't need to detail every aspect of upkeep and such. You could skip right to Terrake getting the news, or end it with "Dex's spirits were lifting", which seems a little more fitting
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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Rubric wrote:Just my two cents on the rather lumpish explanation on the first Goblin War, but you don't need it here. There's no need to explain the backstory this early, and a reader will always feel proud of piecing it together for themselves as the story progresses.

"The rest of the day was pretty uneventful"

You need to lose the "pretty" here, use quite if you need to, or just lose the word completely.

"not of the type we use,” He murmured thereafter.

I know everyone has their own writing style, but to me 'thereafter' seemed a little tried to me.

And finally, the final paragraph seems a little rushed. You don't need to detail every aspect of upkeep and such. You could skip right to Terrake getting the news, or end it with "Dex's spirits were lifting", which seems a little more fitting


Good idea. Thanks for your input.
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I edited the chapter.
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