My new story (un-named)

Hey People plz tell me what you think, i have only just started and i havn't got very far but if you give comments and critues then i will continue to write and get better. thank you

Prologue

The battle raged; mages and warlocks cursing, Paladins and Demons slaying each other, what a mess this is thought Con. This should have ended 100 years ago.. and then he saw her, the Oracle, lying on the ground with a sword in her stomach but still alive. Con rushed towards her. If anyone knows how to end this accursed war it is her Thought Con but this time a bit more confidently. When he reached the Oracle her head tilted up a bit. “Oracle, you’re the only one, how do we end this madness!?” said Con urgently.
“Alas, I cannot tell you, if I could I would. I am truly-” The Oracle suddenly started choking, Con was tempted to help her but before he could reach her she said in a low raspy voice that he had never heard before-

In this darkest hour,
Two Twins with the power
The Chosen two will come
Either to save or destroy you

Get to them before the enemy does
Or they will turn and all is lost
Hear me now or hear me never
Or all is lost, forever

Then She slumped on the ground, dead. Con went through a minute of sadness, The Oracle and he were friends of old, and they had known each other since they first started training magic. Well old friend thought Con; at least you died trying to save the world. Then Con remembered the Prophecy; the last words she had ever spoken. The Chosen two the Oracle spoke of, how will I ever find them?

Chapter One
The Stranger

Beth and Mac Broker were walking home, they had missed the bus again because of bullies; the bullies kept picking on them for no reason at all. They were likable enough, it was just that the leader of the bullies, Jonah , didn’t like them, in his exact words they were – snotty, rotten, good for nothing pigs who need to be taught a lesson.

When Beth and Mac got home got home they found a stranger inside the house talking to their Mum. The stranger was tall and looked very strong. Attached to him on the left was a gigantic broadsword, and on his right, a Shield. “Who on Earth is he?” asked Beth quietly.
“I dunno but he creeps me out. Nobody uses swords and shields anymore.” Said Mac in the same quiet tone. “Come on let’s get closer so we can hear them.” Whispered Mac.
So they crept closer to the house, when Beth and Mac got close enough they could hear their Mum and the stranger talking clearly-
“So are you going to give me the children or not?” asked the stranger.
“No, you shall never have my children!” Screamed their Mum, grabbing a kitchen knife and stabbed the stranger in his leg. But to Beth and Mac’s disbelief the stranger just pulled the knife out of his leg and tossed it carelessly into their Mum’s heart.

Mac put his hand over his sister’s mouth while she was screaming, part of Mac wanted to scream with her but he repulsed it because if the stranger was to hear them now they were doomed. As soon as Mac got Beck to stop trying to scream the door flung open and the stranger walked out, Mac tried to drag Beth into the bushes before the stranger saw them, but it was too late, the stranger had seen them. Mac and Beth were just about to run when- “stop!” commanded a voice from behind them. “I am sorry you had to see that, but it had to be done and now I will have to kill you.”
“Wait,” said Mac “before you kill us can you tell us your name?”
“Well, I guess, it is-“
Just then Beth ran forwards and kicked the stranger where men usually don’t like to be kicked. “Murderer!!!” howled Beth.
“RUN!” cried Mac urgently
Beth and Mac ran with the stranger hot on their tails. They had never been good runners so they knew they were done for. After 5 minutes of running Beth and Mac stopped, they couldn’t run anymore and the stranger knew it. “Oh,” said the stranger coolly when he had caught up, “since you asked, my name is Tarquin.”

“What do you want from us?” uttered Beth.
“ I want to kill you than figure out how I can end the world.” said Tarquin. “ is that clear enough for you?”
Just then it seemed time had stopped, a figure materialized out of nowhere and landed swiftly onto the pavement in front of Beth and Mac. “Con!” snarled Tarquin.
“Tarquin.” said Con, voice steady.
“What do you want?” said Tarquin, furious.
“Same thing as everyone not trying to end the world, kill you.”
And with that said, the man named Con raised his hand and Tarquin was blasted off the pavement. “Come on let’s get out of here” He muttered.
Con told Beth and Mac to grab onto his arm and hold on tight, thinking that this was probably better then being killed by Tarquin they did as they were bid. Once that was done Con uttered incoherent words and than the next instant Mac and Beth felt as though they had pins and needles in their arms and legs, but it only lasted a second because he next they were sprawled on the ground.

When Beth and Mac were well enough, Con fetched 3 chairs and they all sat down in silence. After a while Mac asked- “How did we get here?”
“Magic” stated Con simply.
“And who are you?” Requested Beth
“I am Con, now your official Guide and Protector.” Said Con
“And why would we need an “Official Guide and Protector”? Asked Mac
“For all the dangers to come.” said Con
“You mean guys like Tarquin will be chasing us trying to kill us?” asked Beth in a squeaky voice
“Yes, expect so.” Said Con shortly
“But how will we protect ourselves?” asked Mac eagerly.
“I will teach you not only magic but combat skills as well. That should be enough to protect you for a while.” Said Con rather proud of himself.
“But why do we even need all this protection, why are people chasing us?” asked Beth
“The Oracle.” said Con
“Excuse me? Who?” snorted Mac.
“The Oracle, she made a prophecy about you two.” Con quickly recited the prophecy and explained why, where and how the prophecy was made.
“But if this war has been going for hundreds of years then why hasn’t anyone seen or heard about it? And why hasn’t anyone stopped it?” said Mac angrily.
“That is a story for another time,” said Con. “now let’s get you guys trained up.”

Over the next few hours Con took them over combat skills. They trained to use with wooden swords and shields until Con thought they were trained enough. Mac and Beth were going through a extremely tough battle, Con may have been old but that didn’t mean he was out of practice; It only took Con one move and Beth and Mac were on the floor bruised and beaten.
“Sorry about that.” Said Con
“Next time say sorry to my bruised arm” grumbled Mac.
“Do you think an enemy will go easy on you?” said Con getting angry.
“I’m going to bed now I’ve had enough for tonight.” Said Beth yawning.
“I think we have all had enough,” said Con nodding at Mac. “Come on I’ll show you your rooms.”
The rooms in which Beth and Mac where sleeping in looked very luxurious, they had a big screen TV, king sized beds and a bathroom in it.

That night, Mac couldn’t get to sleep, he stayed up thinking about what he and Beth had gotten themselves into; they were just two kids who didn’t have any parents. Their Mum was dead and their father missing, not the type of people you expect to be involved with magic and wars.

I'll be blunt: I don't like it. Everything is too sudden and too random: I couldn't really understand the point to everything. The grammar wasn't very good. The prologue was majorly flawed, too cliche. The poem wasn't mysterious enough, and simpily wasn't a good poem that captures reader's attention. I couldn't understand the time period of this because hi-def and wooden swords just don't mix.
I'd like to read more before passing your story of as bad, but it could really be better with more time and effort.

well its a little cliche but thats not necessarily as bad a thing as everyone makes it out to be. well here goes: (my writing is in bold)

Shadeslayer wrote:Prologue

The battle raged; mages and warlocks cursing, Paladins and Demons slaying each other, what a mess this is thought Con. This should have ended 100 years ago.. and then he saw her, the Oracle, lying on the ground with a sword in her stomach but still alive. Con rushed towards her. If anyone knows how to end this accursed war it is her Thought Con but this time a bit more confidently. When he reached the Oracle her head tilted up a bit. “Oracle, you’re the only one, how do we end this madness!?” said Con urgently.
you could put way more detail into this paragraph and it would hook the readers right away. dont tell me about a battle, show me! also when someone is thinking or saying something, start a new line and use quotation marks or italics
“Alas, I cannot tell you, if I could I would. I am truly-” The Oracle suddenly started choking, Con was tempted to help her but before he could reach her she said in a low raspy voice that he had never heard before-
im assuming that this is medieval fantasy setting but the way she speaks is still a little strange. again, tell me about what the oracle looks like mangled and dying. if you're going to write a war scene it should be very descriptive
In this darkest hour,
Two Twins with the power
The Chosen two will come
Either to save or destroy you

Get to them before the enemy does
Or they will turn and all is lost
Hear me now or hear me never
Or all is lost, forever

a little forced rhymes and kind of cliche
Then She slumped on the ground, dead. Con went through a minute of sadness, The Oracle and he were friends of old, and they had known each other since they first started training magic. Well old friend thought Con; at least you died trying to save the world. Then Con remembered the Prophecy; the last words she had ever spoken. The Chosen two the Oracle spoke of, how will I ever find them?
dont tell me he was sad show me! and again, start a new line for characters speaking and thinking
Chapter One
The Stranger

Beth and Mac Broker were walking home, they had missed the bus again because of bullies; the bullies kept picking on them for no reason at all. They were likable enough, it was just that the leader of the bullies, Jonah , didn’t like them, in his exact words they were – snotty, rotten, good for nothing pigs who need to be taught a lesson.

When Beth and Mac got home got home they found a stranger inside the house talking to their Mum. The stranger was tall and looked very strong. Attached to him on the left was a gigantic broadsword, and on his right, a Shield. “Who on Earth is he?” asked Beth quietly.
where were the characters if they could see inside their house and not be spotted?
“I dunno but he creeps me out. Nobody uses swords and shields anymore.” Said Mac in the same quiet tone. “Come on let’s get closer so we can hear them.” Whispered Mac.
i like the way you use dialogue to inform the reader of the time zone
So they crept closer to the house, when Beth and Mac got close enough they could hear their Mum and the stranger talking clearly-
“So are you going to give me the children or not?” asked the stranger.
“No, you shall never have my children!” Screamed their Mum, grabbing a kitchen knife and stabbed the stranger in his leg. But to Beth and Mac’s disbelief the stranger just pulled the knife out of his leg and tossed it carelessly into their Mum’s heart.
oohhh... mysterious. gives the reader a reason to read more
Mac put his hand over his sister’s mouth while she was screaming, part of Mac wanted to scream with her but he repulsed it because if the stranger was to hear them now they were doomed. As soon as Mac got Beck to stop trying to scream the door flung open and the stranger walked out, Mac tried to drag Beth into the bushes before the stranger saw them, but it was too late, the stranger had seen them. Mac and Beth were just about to run when- “stop!” commanded a voice from behind them. “I am sorry you had to see that, but it had to be done and now I will have to kill you.”
either this guy is really dumb or... idk why would he tell them that he was about to kill them?
“Wait,” said Mac “before you kill us can you tell us your name?”
“Well, I guess, it is-“
Just then Beth ran forwards and kicked the stranger where men usually don’t like to be kicked. “Murderer!!!” howled Beth.
this seems kind of unreal; if the stranger could pull a knife out of his leg carelessly, why would being kicked there stop him?
“RUN!” cried Mac urgently
Beth and Mac ran with the stranger hot on their tails. They had never been good runners so they knew they were done for. After 5 minutes of running Beth and Mac stopped, they couldn’t run anymore and the stranger knew it. “Oh,” said the stranger coolly when he had caught up, “since you asked, my name is Tarquin.”

“What do you want from us?” uttered Beth.
“ I want to kill you than figure out how I can end the world.” said Tarquin. “ is that clear enough for you?”
Just then it seemed time had stopped, a figure materialized out of nowhere and landed swiftly onto the pavement in front of Beth and Mac. “Con!” snarled Tarquin.
“Tarquin.” said Con, voice steady.
“What do you want?” said Tarquin, furious.
“Same thing as everyone not trying to end the world, kill you.”
And with that said, the man named Con raised his hand and Tarquin was blasted off the pavement. “Come on let’s get out of here” He muttered.
Con told Beth and Mac to grab onto his arm and hold on tight, thinking that this was probably better then being killed by Tarquin they did as they were bid. Once that was done Con uttered incoherent words and than the next instant Mac and Beth felt as though they had pins and needles in their arms and legs, but it only lasted a second because he next they were sprawled on the ground.

Chapter 2
Con Explains

When Beth and Mac were well enough, Con fetched 3 chairs and they all sat down in silence. After a while Mac asked- “How did we get here?”
“Magic” stated Con simply.
“And who are you?” Requested Beth
“I am Con, now your official Guide and Protector.” Said Con
“And why would we need an “Official Guide and Protector”? Asked Mac
“For all the dangers to come.” said Con
“You mean guys like Tarquin will be chasing us trying to kill us?” asked Beth in a squeaky voice
“Yes, expect so.” Said Con shortly
you may want to put an i after yes
“But how will we protect ourselves?” asked Mac eagerly.
eagerly?
“I will teach you not only magic but combat skills as well. That should be enough to protect you for a while.” Said Con rather proud of himself.
this is an awkward sentence
“But why do we even need all this protection, why are people chasing us?” asked Beth
“The Oracle.” said Con
“Excuse me? Who?” snorted Mac.
“The Oracle, she made a prophecy about you two.” Con quickly recited the prophecy and explained why, where and how the prophecy was made.
ok so why where and how was the prophecy made?
“But if this war has been going for hundreds of years then why hasn’t anyone seen or heard about it? And why hasn’t anyone stopped it?” said Mac angrily.
“That is a story for another time,” said Con. “now let’s get you guys trained up.”

Over the next few hours Con took them over combat skills. They trained to use with wooden swords and shields until Con thought they were trained enough. Mac and Beth were going through a extremely tough battle, Con may have been old but that didn’t mean he was out of practice; It only took Con one move and Beth and Mac were on the floor bruised and beaten.
show, dont tell
“Sorry about that.” Said Con
“Next time say sorry to my bruised arm” grumbled Mac.
“Do you think an enemy will go easy on you?” said Con getting angry.
“I’m going to bed now I’ve had enough for tonight.” Said Beth yawning.
“I think we have all had enough,” said Con nodding at Mac. “Come on I’ll show you your rooms.”
The rooms in which Beth and Mac where sleeping in looked very luxurious, they had a big screen TV, king sized beds and a bathroom in it.

That night, Mac couldn’t get to sleep, he stayed up thinking about what he and Beth had gotten themselves into; they were just two kids who didn’t have any parents. Their Mum was dead and their father missing, not the type of people you expect to be involved with magic and wars.

overall i would suggest a revise. it isnt a bad idea, but you did a lot of telling rather than showing and your chapters were short. it seemed very hurried, very very hurried. revise! oh and im not trying to be mean i know it kind of sounds that way but this could use some work. i agree with jonny911

I don't think it was really all that bad. The pacing did feel a little fast, it was kind of like, "wait, hang on, what now? That was sudden..." I feel like you might want to back up, slow down a bit, and help us get to know Beth and Mac before everything starts happening in a whirlwind. Perhaps write out the scene where they miss the bus because of the bullies? That would give us a chance to look at their personalities through dialouge, etc., so that we can really feel for Mac and Beth when things start happening. Also, cleaning up your punctuation a bit will make things a little easier to read. You missed a couple commas for sure...

The ideas are interesting enough, I'm quite drawn in to the story, and curious to see what happens next. I think it just needs a little "facelift" I suppose, to make your sentences and dialouge a bit less awkward. Try reading it aloud, that usually helps me spot places with a need for punctuation, changed sentence beginnings, etc.

(Keep in mind that I'm no expert on this. My pacing, especially, is a major fault in my story, too, but you know what? In my older stories, it was even worse. The more you keep writing, the more you're willing to persevere, the quicker you get better. I promise. ^_^)

And for the record... though I'm a terrible poet myself, I rather like your poem. I know nothing of poetic device, but I thought it sounded cool, at least.

Nice start, I'd like to see more from you! This story has quite a bit of potential, with just some editing and slower pace, it would be really quite good. ^_^

I think your story was okay, but there are a few things you perhaps need to improve. I felt little sympathy for Con when the Oracle died. I suggest you describe more clearly how Con felt, or describe some affection between the two before she dies.

I suggest you should also think about adding a bit more drama when Tarquin tries to kill Beth and Mac, as for me that part was very dull.

You could also show a bit more and not tell, like when you said the Oracle was 'still alive,' you ought to think about putting something more descriptive like, 'she lay sprawled with a sword deep inside her. The Oracle was bleeding profusely from her stomach wound, however Con noticed her barely breathing.'

I hope this has been helpful

I'm not trying to be critical, I'm just trying to help you become a brilliant writer

Keep going I'm sure this will be great.

Thank you everyone for your posts i am still working on the story i just havn't had time cuz i had exams and homework and stuff lolz. i will work on improviong as soon as i can

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it down! This should be at least four chapters, at least! You cram waaaay too much into one, you leave your reader staring at the page with his/her head spinning!

Do you have something against commas, mate? Because you either don't use them or abuse them. Poor commas...be nice to them! lol

Shadeslayer wrote: This should have ended 100 years ago... and then he saw her, the Oracle, lying on the ground with a sword in her stomach, but still alive.

The commas that you need are in red.

I corrected it above to what I thought it should be, but did you mean ... or just a period? I got confused...

Shadeslayer wrote:If anyone knows how to end this accursed war, it is her, Thought Con, but this time a bit more confidently.

Perhaps it would be easier on your readers to have his thought in italics?

Shadeslayer wrote:When he reached the Oracle her head tilted up a bit. “Oracle, you’re the only one, how do we end this madness!?” said Con urgently.

See the green comma there? That's a comma splice, which means that you use a comma to stich together two complete thoughts. A comma isn't strong enough for that job; you need a semicolon or a period/exclamation mark/question mark. I'll put the rest of the comma splices in green, aslo.

Shadeslayer wrote:“Alas, I cannot tell you, if I could I would. I am truly-”

Shadeslayer wrote:The Oracle suddenly started choking[/color=green],[/color]Con was tempted to help her, but before he could reach her, she said in a low, raspy voice that he had never heard before-

He was tempted to help her? She's dying; what can he do? He can want to help her but feel utterly helpless, but there's nothing you can do if someone's truly dying. Wanting to help and being tempted to help are completely different things altogether.

Shadeslayer wrote:In this darkest hour,
Two Twins with the power
The Chosen two will come
Either to save or destroy you

Get to them before the enemy does
Or they will turn and all is lost
Hear me now or hear me never
Or all is lost, forever.

I like the general idea of the poem, but the one issue I have is that there's no rhythm. Prophecies were said once, and then people had to remember them, so they were chants with an easy rhythm, so that it was easier to call to mind. Try setting a metronom and saying it. it doesn't work, does it? try and give it more of a musical chant.

However, i looooved the last line! That was a cool line! Don't get rid of it!

Shadeslayer wrote:Then [s]S[/s]she slumped on the ground, dead.

Shadeslayer wrote: Con went through a minute of sadness, The Oracle and he were friends of old, and they had known each other since they first started training magic.

Sadness isn't quite strong enough, mate. Try grief, agony, lorn, etc. That way, you get more emotion.

Shadeslayer wrote:Well old friend thought Con;that was the place to use a comma, mate. A semicolon connects two complete and like thoughts. They are like, but not complete. at least you died trying to save the world. Then Con remembered the Prophecy;Same here.the last words she had ever spoken.

Shadeslayer wrote:Beth and Mac Broker were walking home, they had missed the bus again because of bullies; the bullies kept picking on them for no reason at all. They were likable enough, it was just that the leader of the bullies, Jonah , didn’t like them, in his exact words they were –(I would strike through that, but it wouldn't work. Lol. In any case, you don't need any sort of puncuation there, mate.) snotty, rotten, [color=red](here, though, you do.)good-for-nothing-pigs who need to be taught a lesson.

Shadeslayer wrote:When Beth and Mac got home got home, they found a stranger inside the house talking to their Mum.

Shadeslayer wrote:The stranger was tall and looked very strong. Attached to him on the left was a gigantic broadsword, and on his right, a [s]S[/s]shield. “Who on Earth is he?” asked Beth quietly.


As soon as Mac got Beck to stop trying to scream, the door flung open and the stranger walked out, Mac tried to drag Beth into the bushes before the stranger saw them, but it was too late, the stranger had seen them.

How did they see him? Where are they?

“I dunno, but he creeps me out. Nobody uses swords and shields anymore. (You need a comma here, though.)” Said Mac in the same quiet tone. “Come on You need some puncuation here, too. But not a comma./color] let’s get closer so we can hear them.” Whispered Mac.[/quote]

Mac knows that Beth knows that no one uses swords and sheilds anymore, so he won't mention it. Your reader also knows that, because you mentioned buses and bullies and school. We know that this is present times and that a sword and sheild is weird. You can have your character think that, but he wouldn't say it.

Shadeslayer wrote:So they crept closer to the house[color=green], when Beth and Mac got close enough, they could hear their Mum and the stranger talking clearly- (again, a strikethrough wouldn't work. A period would work just fine there.)

Shadeslayer wrote:“So are you going to give me the children or not?” asked the stranger.
“No, you shall never have my children!” Screamed their Mum, grabbing a kitchen knife and stabbed the stranger in his leg.

I'm assuming, by the way he said that, that they've been discussing this for quite some time. Why would their mum break all the sudden, now? She'd be hysterical, panicking the very first time he said it.

Shadeslayer wrote:But to Beth and Mac’s disbelief the stranger just pulled the knife out of his leg and tossed it carelessly into their Mum’s heart.

I have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Give us some more emotion. Make us cry and feel sorry for them. I mean, it's their mum! You can't just kill her in a single sentance and be done with it.

Shadeslayer wrote:Mac put his hand over his sister’s mouth while she was screaming, part of Mac wanted to scream with her(Need some puncuation there, mate.) but he repulsed it because if the stranger was to hear them, now they were doomed. As soon as Mac got Beck to stop trying to scream, the door flung open and the stranger walked out, Mac tried to drag Beth into the bushes before the stranger saw them, but it was too late, the stranger had seen them. Mac and Beth were just about to run when- “stop!” commanded a voice from behind them. “I am sorry you had to see that, but it had to be done(You need some punctuation here, mate. But not a comma.)[/color=red] and now I will have to kill you.”

Why would he come right out and tell them that he's trying to kill them? Wouldn't he try and do it incospicuously? After all, anyone would know that they'd try to escape if they knew they were going to die.

Shadeslayer wrote:Beth and Mac ran with the stranger hot on their tails. They had never been good runners[color=red], so they knew they were done for. After 5 minutes of running Beth and Mac stopped, they couldn’t run anymore and the stranger knew it.

Five minutes? If they can't run very well, they'd be tired way before then! I was a pretty decent runner once, and even then, I could barely run five minutes straight!

Also, never give exact times, especially on something as small as minutes or hours.

Shadeslayer wrote:Just then it seemed time had stopped, a figure materialized out of nowhere and landed swiftly onto the pavement in front of Beth and Mac.

Shadeslayer wrote:“Con!” snarled Tarquin.
“Tarquin.” said Con, voice steady.

These two lines have been used over and over and over again in action movies/books. It's cliche, and using cliche's can make your world and characters less believable.

Shadeslayer wrote:“Same thing as everyone: not trying to end the world, kill you.”

Shadeslayer wrote:And with that said, the man named Con raised his hand and Tarquin was blasted off the pavement. “Come on let’s get out of here,” He muttered.

Con beat him way too easily. Show some more conflict and action!

Shadeslayer wrote:Con told Beth and Mac to grab onto his arm and hold on tight, thinking that this was probably better then being killed by Tarquin, they did as they were bid. Once that was done, Con uttered incoherent words and [s]than[/s] then the next instant Mac and Beth felt as though they had pins and needles in their arms and legs, but it only lasted a second because the next what? they were sprawled on the ground.

Shadeslayer wrote:When Beth and Mac were well enough, Con fetched 3 chairs and they all sat down in silence. After a while Mac asked-(again, the strikethrough won't work. Get rid of the dash and add a comma.) “How did we get here?”
“Magic,” stated Con simply.
“And who are you?” Requested Beth.
“I am Con, now your official Guide and Protector.” Said Con
“And why would we need an “Official Guide and Protector”? Asked Mac.
“For all the dangers to come.” said Con.
“You mean guys like Tarquin will be chasing us trying to kill us?” asked Beth in a squeaky voice.
“Yes, expect so.” Said Con shortly.
“But how will we protect ourselves?” asked Mac eagerly.
“I will teach you not only magic but combat skills as well. That should be enough to protect you for a while.” Said Con rather proud of himself.
“But why do we even need all this protection, why are people chasing us?” asked Beth
“The Oracle.” said Con.
“Excuse me? Who?” snorted Mac.
“The Oracle, she made a prophecy about you two.” Con quickly recited the prophecy and explained why, where and how the prophecy was made.
“But if this war has been going for hundreds of years then why hasn’t anyone seen or heard about it? And why hasn’t anyone stopped it?” said Mac angrily.
“That is a story for another time,” said Con. “now let’s get you guys trained up.”

First off, this passage had major grammar issues.

Second on, This passage is waaaay too fast! Slow it down!

Shadeslayer wrote:Over the next few hours, Con took them over combat skills. They trained to use with wooden swords and shields until Con thought they were trained enough.

Trained enough? Do you have any idea how long that would really take? That would take years!

Maybe Con was just teaching them the basics? That would make more sense to me.

Mac and Beth were going through a extremely tough battle, Con may have been old but that didn’t mean he was out of practice; It only took Con one move and Beth and Mac were on the floor bruised and beaten.
“Sorry about that.” Said Con.
“Next time say sorry to my bruised arm,” grumbled Mac.
“Do you think an enemy will go easy on you?” said Con getting angry.
“I’m going to bed now; or . I’ve had enough for tonight.” Said Beth yawning.
“I think we have all had enough,” said Con nodding at Mac. “Come on, or ; or . I’ll show you your rooms.”
The rooms in which Beth and Mac where sleeping in looked very luxurious, they had a big screen TV, king sized beds and a bathroom in it.

That night, Mac couldn’t get to sleep, he stayed up thinking about what he and Beth had gotten themselves into; they were just two kids who didn’t have any parents. Their Mum was dead and their father missing, not the type of people you expect to be involved with magic and wars.[/quote]

The last line is good--maybe for, like, the fifth chapter. lol. (Seriously, though, I liked the last line.)

Like I said, this would be better is you stretched it out, broke it down into five or six chapters. I can see you just plowing through the story to get the basic plot down on paper. If that's the case, this is a pretty good start. A decent first draft.

I don't know why, it just feels as though you are ttrying to cram all which is good from Tolkien's great works, into 100 words...

Im unsure about this, I don't dislike it, but having said that, I don't like it either.

Try spanning this out a bit more, not a five second long battle.

I did like the way it changed frmo random fantasy into bullies... Perhaps too extreme. You must be sure not to change your style as soon as sometihng like this happens, keep going, I would like to see how this is going...