Angelsea I: The Last Sentinel (posted a bit of ch 2)

Squall · 2007-02-01T05:58:57Z

Hi there. I have always been a fan of RPG games such as Final Fantasy. So I decided to attempt to write a fantasy story of myself. This is my very first fantasy novel and I hope you'll enjoy it. -------------------------------------------------------------- Angelsea I: The Last Sentinel Prologue “About time." In a forgotten realm of Light, the Sanctuary floated among the clouds, surrounded by celestial citadels. The sky was dark and the stars shadowed by the storm clouds. Rain water filled the craters in the pavement. It was only drizzling now, but before it was heavy. A girl walked, interrupting the calm of the empty courtyard with the rattling of her arsenal of weapons. Her metallic boots chipped the edges of the staircase as she headed up. A traitor of the Sentinels, she sided with the Shadowmeres for they promised her power. The Angels once promised to help her no matter what, but it became obvious that they knew nothing. Standing between her was a blood stained door, unlocked by a simple wave. The door creaked open. The hallway was long and dark. With a click of her fingers, magical flames of azure appeared, roaring in the torches. At the end was the inner sanctum, engulfed by the shadowy mist of her cohorts’ magic. There was a giant dining table, disappearing deep into the mist. Red velvet banners suspended from the ceiling, torn and damaged. Towering stone pillars stood at regular intervals to support a ceiling lost in darkness. She took a step into the mist and instantly saw nothing but scudding clouds of violet. She couldn’t hear her footsteps, couldn’t smell the marble walls, and not even feel her body touching her metallic armor. But it was all still very familiar to her, except the sanctum was now a twisted mockery, the way she liked it. She had reached the other end of the sanctum and walked on to the next corridor. Already checked before, she doubled checked, seeing no one and continued for the tallest tower, where her senses were restored. She fumbled through her pockets, withdrawing to what seemed to be a compass. It glowed crimson as the arrow landed on one of the four symbols. There was a burst of wind from behind. She could hear it swirling into one solid mass. “My master’s biddings...arch jester,” she turned behind expectantly and saw a hooded figure standing in silent dismay. The jester advanced forward, placing her hand on one of the weapons on her belt. “I’ve hold myself true to my end of the bargain. Now pay up!” angrily pointing a finger at her contact. The figure grinned. “I never knew giving birth was that dreadful,” the figure muttered, "the mortals find the whole business of it rather...pleasurable' His sepulchral voice echoed in the jester's, penetrating her thoughts of fear. There was a moment of silence, stares looking at one another. They had nothing in common, except greed. Keeping his end of the bargain, he reached for a small pouch. “Here!” he snarled and carelessly threw the pouch. The jester caught it, examining with greedy eyes, like a toddler with a new toy. “What you seek is inside,” sounding more of an insult than a reminder. The rain started to turn into a torrent and he drew his cape tighter around him, dissolving into particles and disappeared. The sky flashed white and in the shadowy horizon, bolts of lightening ripped off in all directions. A sudden explosion was followed, roaring and crackling. She embraced herself tight, along with the pouch. In her right hand, the arrow spun again. -------------------------Chapter 00--------------------------------------------- Forsaken, the village choked of isolation from technological advances and political corruption. Cities now tower high into the sky, inhabited by various races. Everything was built for the future, built for one purpose: Technological progress. What used to be a dream became reality. What used to be possible was considered impossible ever since magic was lost and forgotten. Siera, the planet known for its seismic circulation of water in deep underground cannels was classed as a 1st docile planet, because of its rich intergalactic resources and for providing ideal terrains for colonization of the humans. This colony of humans were called “Sierians” However, being called a Sierian was not something to be proud of. It was an example of discrimination. Criminals, the unemployed, the poor and those unluckily chosen were sent to Siera. Under the order of the Senates, the unemployed workers were to provide hard working labor in extracting the resources on Siera to keep up with demands from their suppliers. Besides that, things were pretty much like it was on their former planet: Wake up, work, sleep. Despite the high tech and the pristine beauty of nature, there was no heart to it. No one cared for them, besides their families. The government had control of every one of them. Rel was a remote village founded at the edge of the Ashkare Plateau, surrounded by the forest of Relwood. Huts were made from oak wood with straw roofs, the only resources available on the island. Outside some huts, there were wooden crates, barrels and other items of interest, since there was not enough storage room inside. Most of the huts were scattered by the beach. Some were built above the cliff. Flights of stairs were carved into the cliffs to allow easier access to the group of huts at the top. The sun started rising from the horizon of the sea, shining over the closed eyes of an eighteen year old teenager, waking by its light. His figure was tall and sturdy from the many years of swordplay, long golden hair flowed down his back and upper chest and eyes were solid blue. Aries woke up with a start, drawing his curtains open to allow the light of Aira to flow into his room. After rubbing his eyes, he opened the window and was blasted by the wind coming from the beach. How many days has it been since he was left standing along by the window to witness another sunny day? What was the point of experiencing the joys and wonders of the season when the feelings were not shared? “Mother…” But Cleo was very much like her mother. She would smile at him. She would pay him visits, but most importantly, she actually cares about him, unlike the others. His room was renovated by her. The curtains were a light pink instead of the usual white and flowers planted in woven baskets hung from the ceiling and some were streamed like ribbons. His bed was double sized. Cleo would, at times, come over for a sleepover at his house. Aries didn’t mind though. In fact, he enjoyed it. Living alone for these last seven years can get depressing. It was just like his childhood, where he would sleep next to his mother when he was only three. Cleo was quite picky when it comes to pillows. Her pillow lay next to Aries. She would recommend Aries to change his pillow, for it was only plain white and it was just boring to her. Her pillow was shaped in a heart. Hearts and red were her favourites to use when it comes to handcrafting. Reaching for the draw, he pulled it open revealing an amulet. Its string was threaded through a piece of crystal, dark blue with ancient symbols engraved. To this day, he never knew what the symbols meant, regardless that it was entrusted to him by his closest friend, Cleo. Cleo settled into the village last summer, the time when it was much more prosperous than today. The children were merrily playing in the outdoors and vagrants made the last repairs to the huts from the winter’s storm. Unable to find peace that day, he retreated. At the nearby lake, the waterfall cascaded, accompanied by the melodies of the rellybirds singing away in the trees. Everything was so peaceful, he thought. Aira, the sun of Siera shone high in the sky at this moment, kissing him and- "Gazing at your reflection?" the voice came from behind. He turned and saw a girl standing there, long silvery hair swaying in the wind. Instead of a dress, she wore white silky robes, complementing her hair. Her silver eyes were fixed on him, softly stroking her neck as she waited for a reply. ”What do you want?" he demanded, staring back at his reflection. She approached Aries, helping herself to a spot next to him with a reasonable distance. “The image is actually another you, gazing at a threshold splitting the two realms. Both you and your other half only think of it as an image, nothing more,” she said softly looking at the lake. The waters ebbed calmly to the gentle summer breeze. Aries looked up, surprised. The girl smiled cheekily, shuffling closer to Aries. He felt uncomfortable at first until the smell of the fragrances grew so strong, it had relaxed him. “You never know, I may be from the other side of the threshold, desperately seeking my way home.” But his flashback was broken when he heard the children chanting his name. He straightened out the creases on his outfit and rushed outside, only to find himself surrounded. “Yay! It’s Aries!” cried a kid with tanned skin and freckles. Aries knelt down to pat him on his brown, sandy hair. “Hey Mallow,” said Aries. “Hey everyone, what’s going on?” “Come play with us!” They shouted in unison. Aries stood back and smiled nervously dreading what the children were plotting, muttering a curse under his breathe. Visuals flew in his mind of the possible things that they could possibly do to him this time. “Ok I’ll count to a hundred,” he said with a huge smile, “go hide now!” The children giggled with glee as they scattered in all directions. The game had been played many times. Normally Aries would challenge Cleo to see who can find the most. The children attempted in varying their hiding spots with each new game, little did they know that Aries purposely memorized all their usual hiding spots. He checked beneath the bridge by the stream and found another four there. One also hid inside a hollow log. An hour later and he had found only sixteen of them. Obviously, the giggle of the children meant why he couldn’t find all twenty one of them within the hour. He began checking places where he would not normally check. Twenty minutes passed and he discovered a secret entrance to a small cavern. The hole was small but he was able to adjust his body through. The last five hid in the cavern. “Aww how did you find us?” they questioned in the frustration of getting caught. “It’s called skills.” Aries lead them back out of the cavern and escorted them back to the village with the traditional march. Half way back to the village plaza, the bell rang. The maidens had finished cooking breakfast. The game came to a close. Sounds of moaning and groaning came from the children. They were all caught too soon, an excuse to accuse Aries of cheating. Regaining his breath back, Aries counted the children, but he only reached the number twenty instead of the usual twenty one. The children looked at each other in confusion as he counted again, more slowly this time. A child was definitely missing when he finished counting. His heart was pulsating with fear, for the last thing he wanted now was to lose another villager to the pandemic. Staring off into the sacred forest over the cliffs, he considered the possibility of the child wandering off the village’s boundaries. “Wait here guys!” he shouted while bolting for the forest. “Aries, where are you going?” One of the maidens saw her. She was holding an empty pot with both hands. “Afternoon Sena, don’t let the children eat my breakfast, I’m going for a run,” he lied absent mindedly and continued running. When he disappeared to the trees, he couldn't hear Sena mumble "but the other maidens are expecting you..." Without having to go into the woods, there were already two visible foot tracks parallel on the earth path. One was similar to the shape of his feet, but when he looked at the other track, chills pulsed down his spine, for they were like nothing he had seen. They stopped dead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rel was just as deserted at night as it was in the day, lingering with the smell of unburied corpses. Next to the gravekeepers' hut, there was a collection of burning corpses. Aries crept his way past the dark grounds of the village, illuminated only by the flames on the torches placed near the stairs and outside certain houses. After climbing up several stairs, he reached Cleo’s hut, perched on a cliff. “Who is it?” The door swung open, stepping out of the house she was dressed in her pink night dress and wearing a rosy cap on her head. In her right hand she was holding onto a teddy bear with an adorable bow tie on its head. “Oh, hi Aries,” smiling as she hid the teddy bear behind her back, her cheeks reddened. Immediately, she rushed back inside to fetch her wooden staff and changed into her clerical white robes. The first thing Cleo noticed when they arrived at the spot was the strange prints in the earth. “Hmm these markings…they do look familiar,” she said holding a lantern over the tracks. “Do you know what the creature is?” questioned Aries, his eyes narrowed. She shook her head slightly… “No I don’t.” Cleo had been away for the past week, helping out in Eldra, a neighboring village on the other side of the river. She returned this evening to find Aries and most of the villagers had gone out. While she waited, the vagrants that escorted her to and from Eldra prepared dinner. When they had returned, Cleo was informed by Aries of what happened during the last week, including the disappearance of Mabo, the grand son of one of the elders of Eldra. Reva, a family in Eldra also disappeared during the week and hadn’t been heard of since. “Cleo, stay here” said Aries and he headed for the woods, only to be stopped. “Thinking of going without me?” Cleo was clutching onto his sleeve. “What can you do?” Did she dare tell him of her powers? “We are friends…aren’t we?” She appeared as though she was about to cry. Was friendship a necessity in life? It’s not like friends could resolve his past. “Ok,” said Aries in a defeated voice, “you can come along…” “Yay! Thanks” and she hugged him. -----------:twisted: Dungeon: Northern Relwoods :twisted: ---------- There were many superstitions about the Northern areas of the woods. As a result they had become forbidden. Aries and Cleo walked passed a deserted shanty, once belonging to an old magician couple from Eternia whom died from unknown means. Their deaths frightened many, but the controversy grew stronger when the grave keeper went to collect their corpses for the cremation that never happened. They came to a fork in the path. One leads left, the other leads right and yet, both leads into darkness. Aries held his lantern high and panned from left to right. His face remained stern from the concentration. “Left” declared Aries and headed for the left path, closely followed by Cleo. It was simple which path to choose. Both paths lead somewhere so it didn’t really matter what one to choose. Really, it was a matter of preference. Right would always point the right way, a highly popular belief among the people of Seon. Their feet crunched on the leaves as they walked down the winding path. Eventually, the trees looked like shadowy pillars towering high into the canopy. Aries noticed Cleo looked worried, she kept scanning her surroundings. “What’s wrong Cleo?” he asked in consideration of her well being. The air around Cleo felt musky and stale, drawing in gaseous death with every breath. Spiked pain lurched in her breast….then it was gone. “…N-n-nothing” muttered Cleo, dismissing her feelings as paranoia. Suddenly, a howl sounded among the trees. The sword was drawn and brandished high in the dark. Peering into the darkness of the woods, the figure leaped snarling from the bushes. Aries was pinned to the ground under its weight, sharp paws made cuts to his mercenary outfit. It had dark purple fur with a streak of red; its eyes were a menacing blood red. The wolf’s mouth opened, revealing its drooling fangs and lunched for the bite. Aries summoned all his strength into his right arm and drove it to the hilt into the side of the wolf. A thick, googy liquid poured out from the stab wound as the wolf collapsed onto its side, dead. “Aries, “said Cleo, “are you ok?” dragging the corpse off him. “Yes…I’m fine” muttered Aries, pulling the sword out of the corpse, “…maybe you should head back?” “No, I won’t!” protested Cleo, her stance became firm, “I can handle this trust me.” But no girl can handle a shadow wolf, one of the many mysterious inhabitants of Siera. Their stealth is one of a kind, being able to become invisible to the eye during the night. The Senates introducing their own species on Siera to counter the threats of the monsters was a foolish move. It just meant that they were faced with these threats yet again. The track started leading down hill, heading deeper into the forest. The undergrowth was thicker and so was the smell of decay, shadows of the plants hunched like monsters. They walked passed a boulder, allowing them to see a large circular clearing up ahead. At the centre was the child, held in a wooden cage, suspended from the ground by a wooden totem. “Looks like a trap,” but Aries hadn’t heard her, for he was crashing his way through the undergrowth and into the clearing. However, movement caught his eyes. Out of the shadows, an arrow was fired, striking the earth near his feet. From the trees came five goblins half his height, two of which were wielding bows. The rest held razor sharp blades, waving them viciously. The goblin that seemed to be their leader advanced forward to attack, missed as Aries confidently dodged the blow. Accustomed to his weapon, Aries casually swung the sword, posed for combat. Quickly raising his right arm before him, the swordsman heard metallic ring as the tip of the arrowhead collided with the silver steel of his sword. Narrowing blue eyes at his assailant, the Sierian thrust the wooden hilt of his sword out, knocking his green-skinned foe off balance and promptly seized upon the advantage; chorded muscles flexed as the silver blade of his sword cleaved a deep gash across the goblin. Among the privacy of the bushes, Cleo twirled her staff and it began to glow in a white light. Secretly, the enchantment was cast onto Aries. To his surprise, the sword bared no weight. His attacks were much swifter now, the goblins were outmatched. As the last foe collapsed before his feet and the earth was stained crimson, he surveyed the clearing to see if there were reinforcements. Reaching over his shoulder, Aries returned the sword back to his scabbard hung upon his back. "Don't you think that was a bit too easy?" Cleo butted in. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the darkest corner, the grandfather clock counted the seconds that Cleo was left waiting for Aries to return with the medical kit. Her room was dimly lit by a lamp standing on her study table, surrounded by books, research notes and vials containing various types of fluids. There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” called Cleo expecting Aries to finally return. Her hair swayed by the sudden draft of Aries opening the door. “How’s the child?” asked Aries, hoping that it was good news “He hasn’t woken since,” placing her tender hand on the child’s forehead, his fever still raged on. Cleo took a small blood sample from the child’s arm and mixed it with a vial of poison indicative solution. Using her knowledge of beginner’s magic, the spell triggered a bubbling reaction. Both Cleo and Aries’ suspicion had been shown true. Just like the other villagers, the child was now another victim of the Poison. -----------------------Chapter I: Sierian Conflict-------------------------------- Light surged through the blinds and into the cold blue room. Cleo opened her eyes and saw the blankets Aries used for the night spread out on the floor, all crumpled up, along with her pajamas that he wore. Beside her, the child laid, unconscious. Groggily, she placed her hand on his forehaead like she did earlier in the morning. “At least the fever’s not getting worse,” she muttered under lack of sleep. She drew the blankets tighter and rested her eyes, peeking at her room from time to time for the light of the rising sun. She started pondering of what today will bring. For starters, work was not on the agenda, which was a good thing, especially for a girl who transverses the plains of Eastern Seon, assisting the lives of the poor and the dying and helping with the magicians’ research. Under inflexible laws, she was not guilty. But according to her heart, she was guilty for not being there for Aries. Those that live life only to see the next “present” only saw her as a valuable asset. Deep inside, she ached of heart break, all those days of servitude, for what? Were clerics remembered, like fallen heroes? Did they truly appreciate their help? Will they ever repent from their sins? Were they even paid fairly? No, Cleo was not materialistic, but why was it considered less important compared to butchers, executioners, woodcutters, jobs that demonstrate violence and hatred? Cleo was no sinner. It was one of her morals to show people the light. On the other hand, all that time could have been spent mending the friendship between her and Aries. She really missed those days when Aries was more open and friendly towards her. Last night was a devastating blow to her. Never has Aries decided to leave without her. Had Aries not seen that he was now part of Cleo’s second family? Outside, the grave keeper worked into the mild mist of the morning. The Poison made death a part of ordinary life. It had become a routine for grave keepers to dig holes and bury bodies. They demolished hut by hut, making room for new graves. The villagers complained at first, eventually coming to their senses when their loved ones died too. It was a devastating pandemic that began in central Seon and spread throughout the Empire almost three years ago. At first, it appeared to be any common poisoning until the clergies realized that it was incurable with their current antidotes. Eternia, capital city of magic and science soon became in charge of the antithesis against this new strand of poison. Many experiments were conducted. The magicians used many mythical creatures of Seon against their will in unnatural experiments, but little progress was made. A year passed and the Poison had evolved into a form of green gas. Deaths became much more frequent, the magicians more desperate. Finally, all hell broke loose when The Senate declared that at random, the clergy will pick citizens to be experimented on. From this point onward, Eternia had become a dictatorship. Those that were chosen were locked in damp, decomposing cells deep within the dungeon. The over recruitment of test subjects meant the cells were often overcrowded. Some died by diseases, though they wished they had died before they faced the experimental chambers. There, the specimen undergoes a series of both physical and emotional pain. They were stripped naked and injected with fatal solutions in a selfish act for data. It was unlikely one would had survived the first round of injections for the body would be disfigured and damaged severely or even mutated into a monstrosity. The remains of the specimens were then placed into the furnaces as efficient fuel for the machineries. Experimental death killed more than the poison did. Now, Eternia was only an abandoned city among a few other cities, enshrouded within the green mist of the Poison. The survivors had retreated to the desolate areas of Seon behind the mountain range, shielded from most of the Poison. By now, the sun was a golden orb, translucent behind the white curtains. Cleo left the insulation of her blanket and started picking up the sleepwear lying on the floor. “Can’t even appreciate my pajamas,” moaned Cleo and chucked them into the washing basket. While she was tidying up the cranny, she found a basket, made from brown rattan and bamboo, and it is fully lined with quilted cotton. Her face lightened up. An idea struck her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries loved the convergences of ocean and the land. A torrential wave riveted the sand, retreated and another came. Conflicts raged within the Empire as he sat, staring peacefully at the ocean. In a moment of passion, he grabbed a handful of sand. Anything which existed could be held or embraced. His family was alive once, that is until something tragic happened. He released the sand. “I thought I’d see you here.” Cleo wore a sunhat and shades, but still dressed in her robes as though she was shy to expose her skin. Aries looked at the picnic basket she was holding. “What’s with the basket?” he asked stupidly. “Care to join me in an afternoon picnic?” she retorted, smiling. She opened the basket and pulled out a blanket. Together, they laid it gently onto the sand. He felt the urge to eat, realizing the emptiness in his stomach as Cleo started fishing out the contents in the basket. Food stacked in front of him: Chocolate chip cookies, loafed bread, two bowls of fruit salad and- “Nice, roast chicken,” hungrily inching closer. By now, his mouth started watering. Aries kept sniffing. He could smell the wonderful aroma of cooked chicken fresh out of the oven, combined with the sharp fragrances of various herbs found in Seon. Cleo chuckled and placed a hand over her mouth. “You’re really are hungry aren’t you?”

Ending-Karma

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:43 pm

Ending-Karma says... · Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:43 pm

Maybe it's just because fantasy fiction isn't my cup of tea, but I didn't really get into this. It was mildly enjoyable, but that's stretching it a tad for me. It's odd because I really enjoy RPG games, but not this.

It just seemed... bleh, it was lacking the fine details. As Jules has said, it moved too quick. At times, it felt as if it were just a screenplay.

Also, it's a major pet peeve of mine: If it's not dialogue, one sentence does NOT vouche for a new paragraph.

Contrary to popular belief, the entire book doesn't have to be action. It doesn't have to be a high paced adventure. Even in the games, there are scenes of relaxation and character development. I feel like a slower pace is in dire need.

Slow your roll and let it flow. Sometimes a dialogue scene that tells of the protagonist's past can consume an entire chapter.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.

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Squall

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:04 pm

Squall says... · Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:04 pm

Ending-Karma wrote:Maybe it's just because fantasy fiction isn't my cup of tea, but I didn't really get into this. It was mildly enjoyable, but that's stretching it a tad for me. It's odd because I really enjoy RPG games, but not this.

It just seemed... bleh, it was lacking the fine details. As Jules has said, it moved too quick. At times, it felt as if it were just a screenplay.

Also, it's a major pet peeve of mine: If it's not dialogue, one sentence does NOT vouche for a new paragraph.

Contrary to popular belief, the entire book doesn't have to be action. It doesn't have to be a high paced adventure. Even in the games, there are scenes of relaxation and character development. I feel like a slower pace is in dire need.

Slow your roll and let it flow. Sometimes a dialogue scene that tells of the protagonist's past can consume an entire chapter.

What made you think this was all action? You think I'm that naive? I only made the dialogue fast because it was really not necessary to add so much detail at this stage. Chapter 1 was fast because it was merely an intro to the poison.

"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."

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Loose

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:10 pm

Loose says... · Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:10 pm

squallz! relax, ok? karma said fantasy wasnt their thing, so they couldve critiqued how they would say, romance fiction or horror. Dont get all worked up.

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Ending-Karma

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Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:16 am

Ending-Karma says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:16 am

Until now, I have yet to type the word naive. I apologize for critiquing it. I'm not trying to start a bash war here, so I'm hoping (assuming) that we are all civilized young adults and can handle this type of thing.

With that said, good ole Webster says "critique" is a "detailed evaluation" or "review." Therefore, I gave you a critique. I gave my evaluation. Take it for what it's worth.

Next time, let me know whether you want a critique or praise; if it's just praise, I won't bother. Isn't the purpose of this website to develop talent not be melodramatic over a review that wasn't 110% positive?

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.

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Griffinkeeper

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Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:47 am

Griffinkeeper says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:47 am

Cool it down people. Squallz, EK was giving you an honest critique. All critiques should be taken with a grain of salt.

Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)

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Squall

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Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:15 am

Squall says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:15 am

Ending-Karma wrote:Until now, I have yet to type the word naive. I apologize for critiquing it. I'm not trying to start a bash war here, so I'm hoping (assuming) that we are all civilized young adults and can handle this type of thing.

With that said, good ole Webster says "critique" is a "detailed evaluation" or "review." Therefore, I gave you a critique. I gave my evaluation. Take it for what it's worth.

Next time, let me know whether you want a critique or praise; if it's just praise, I won't bother. Isn't the purpose of this website to develop talent not be melodramatic over a review that wasn't 110% positive?

And yet you couldn't even point out BOTH the positive and the negative?
Well whatever I don't have time to argue over this.

"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."

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Loose

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Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:29 am

Loose says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:29 am

ok

1) grif, i dont get it.

2)both of you just chill out.

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Ending-Karma

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Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:56 am

Ending-Karma says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:56 am

Tell ya what, I'm not too proud to admit a mistake. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe I should have posted the positive things; however, there are already so many posts and they're all point out the same good qualities that I saw, I didn't see a reason to restate it.

However, if that's what you're looking for, then, yes, I do agree with the positive things that have been mentioned. Your way with wording provides a nice, interest read. You've corrected some mistakes and improved it a good bit. However, that has already been stated. I felt like I had some ways to offer you to improve on it that others haven't mentioned so I just posted those instead of reitterating things that had previously been stated. Slight misunderstanding.

Now, I do have an issue with the big spectacle being made out of this. I mean, Squallz, you could've messaged me in privately and the situation could have been handled MUCH more professionally. However, the real problem arises when everyone begins to throw their two cents in the pot. Heh.

Regardless of that, you show great promise and I look forward to seeing this develop.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.

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Squall

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Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:42 am

Squall says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:42 am

I like to thank Ending Karama. If it wasn't for you mate, I wouldn't have pushed myself to my limit in developing the story to it's fullest potential.

Thank you for giving me the awakening I need to become a much better writer and sorry that I was kinda annoyed at first.

"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."

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TellATaleForTwo

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Thu Feb 22, 2007 6:44 am

TellATaleForTwo says... · Thu Feb 22, 2007 6:44 am

The Northern areas of the woods were forbidden for superstitions.

lol
we spoke about this...
oh whats that?
oh your fixing it now?
oh goody!
i know.
im retarded.
lol
~Tina

"Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past."

~Kate and Leopold

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Charlie II

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Fri Feb 23, 2007 12:06 pm

Charlie II says... · Fri Feb 23, 2007 12:06 pm

Standing between her was a blood stained door, unlocked by a simple wave and the door creaked open.

Hmmm, I’d replace the ‘and’ with a full stop to break up the sentence for added tension.

She doubled checked, seeing no one and continued for the tallest tower.

A bit confusing with the double checking.

“I never knew giving birth was that dreadful,” the figure muttered, "the mortals find it...pleasurable."

Lol we discussed this!

His supulchral voice echoed in the jester's mind and she felt scared.

Small spelling error (I think) you need ‘sepulchral’.

There was a moment of silence, stares locked at one another.

This doesn’t really work. Eyes can lock together, they could stare at one another but stares don’t really lock.

Keeping his end of the bargain, he reached for a small pouch.

“Here!” he snarled and carelessly threw the pouch.

The jester caught it. She examined the pouch with greedy eyes, like a toddler with a new toy.

The repetition of ‘pouch’ is sort of annoying and distracts from what is happening.
Also, maybe take the last line and make it into one sentence so it flows more.

“What you seek is inside,” sounding more of an insult than a remainder

Reminder? I think it's a typo.

Interesting so far, not a major hook but it has enough mystery to keep me reading. I'll do the next chapter when I can be bothered.

DarkLight

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen

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KingKamor

Gender

Points 516

Reviews 76

Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:42 pm

KingKamor says... · Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:42 pm

(Sheesh, lay off the caffine, people.

)

The beginning didn't really grab me, and it was difficult to read, since you put breaks between almost every sentence in the prologue. It was also pretty fast-paced without paying much mind to the scenery. Remember, too much description is bad, but too little description is worse.

Other than that, I liked the interactions with the characters. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

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jord

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 16

Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:57 pm

jord says... · Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:57 pm

i really enjoyed reading this, it was very imaginative. I really think you need to set the scene more as there isnt much that describes it. although this can sometimes be a good thing as it leaves the reader to make up their own mind about the setting.

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Squall

Gender

Points 5577

Reviews 672

Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:51 am

Squall says... · Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:51 am

Right now I have added more detail to the prologue. I'm still deciding whether I should do the same for chapter 1 or do it for chapter 2.

Anyhoo I'm writing more at the moment, been busy with Final Fantasy 12.

"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."

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