Taria and the Talisman Part 1

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Taria's older brother Shantar only came back with more grim news. The Mactaros had advanced further. They were likely to take the little kingdom of Takkro within days.

The Mactaros were a warlike race that appeared almost out of nowhere. They quickly devoured all of the surrounding kingdoms, oppressing and sometimes even massacring the natives. They had spared Takkro for many years. Now, there was nothing else left.

Somebody knocked on the door of their little cottage secluded in the forest. It was the Royal Messenger.

"Taria Criona, you have been summoned to appear before the court of Her Royal Highness Queen Emmelina." He presented a carraige emblazoned with the royal insignia.

Taria's entire body shook as she was helped in the carraige. What could the Queen want with her? She had no special talents that could assist the Queen. She nervously twirled one of her black curls the whole way there.

When she saw the palace, she gasped. She had seen it before, but never this close up. It was built of white marble of the highest quality. The doorway was adorned with ornate gold and silver trimming.

The court all sat at a long banquet table, with the Queen and her throne at the head. Taria was seated next to Lady Filomena and across from an old, fat bald nobleman whose name escaped her.

Queen Emmelina stepped out and took her seat. She looked much older than her portrait on the wall might suggest. Her long black hair was tied up in a bun, as is the custom for women after the age of 16. Taria would be 16 in May. Her piercing catlike green eyes were focused right on Taria.

"My good maiden Taria, you may be wondering why you are here tonight. As you well know, the first Queen Ancila defeated the Black Sorcerer many centuries ago using a magic sword she fashioned herself. The key to the sword's power was the Talisman of Runta. What you probably didn't know was that almost 16 years ago, on the very night of your birth, a Mactaran soldier stole the sword. It was returned two weeks later, but the talisman was gone.

We have recently received a clue as to the talisman's whereabouts. It is an extremely poorly drawn map of what we believe to be the Forest of Damar. There is only one clearly written thing on this map. Only a young maiden with a pure heart can find and restore the talisman. Extensive questioning of the subjects revealed that you have the greatest knowledge of plants and the forest out of the entire kingdom. Thus it would only be fitting to send you."

"Me? But I..."

"No buts. The court has already decided you are the best candidate for the journey. Lady Filomena has done extensive research on this. I shall let her prepare you for the journey."

The reat of the court left. Lady Filomena got out a small satchel.

"This should be all you need." Taria looked at her questioningly. No way could that tiny thing have enough supplies for a journey of this caliber. Than she opened the satchel.

The contents spilled out onto the table. A little book, a piece of parchment, enough food to feed a dragon for a month, and a sword. Not just any sword either. It's turqouise and silver hilt made it immediately recognizable. The sword of Ancila.

"This book is all the spells Ancila and other mages have learned and used throughout the years. This parchment is the map the Queen mentioned. And the sword...Do you have any experience at all?"

Taria shook her head. What use would a village gardener have for a sword?

"Don't worry. Even without the talisman, the sword's got some power. Pick it up. Well at least you picked it up right. The others nearly killed themselves trying."

"The others?"

"Yes. We've had practically every maiden in town come in and attempt to handle the sword. If you can't handle the sword, there's no way you can restore the talisman. Niw go ahead, try to wield it. Gently now, don't want to injure me."

Taria wielded it. Surprisingly, it was practically weightless in her hands, like holding some flowers.

"Wow, you're the first who could wield it! I'm impressed. Now, can you fight me?" She pulled her own sword out of its scabbard.

They sparred. Taria didn't deliver any blows (who tries to hurt a noblewoman?) but she did parry quite nicely.

"Not bad, not bad, but sometimes, you gotta take the offensive. Oh, I get it. You don't want to hurt me. Well, let's pull in the old prisoner. We were gonna kill him anyway, but now he'll get to die in a proper duel."

A proper duel? Taria gulped. Those were bloody, and someone usually ended up dying in the end. She was too young to die!

The prisoner walked in. He had the blue hair, dark skin, and black eyes typical of Mactarans. He was very muscular and obviously ready to fight.

"Don't worry." Filomena reassured. "He has had very little water and no food the past three days. You should be able to take him easy."

She did defeat him, but it wasn't easy. He was strong and forceful, and at first, she was too busy trying to figure out how to use the damn thing to notice how slow he was compared to her. Then she realized she didn't have to do anything. The sword somehow had instincts. It knew what to do. It quivered, now seeming alive in her hands. She subconciously twisted her wrist a certain way, thrusting the sword straight into his heart before he even had a chance to parry her blow.

She felt no qualms. His people had made her witness her father's murder because he stood in their way to the village and supplies. She had been only five years old. She was shocked at her own coldness. She had never felt this odd sensation before.

Filomena smiled. "No doubt about it, you're ready. We'll give you a night to rest up. You leave at dawn. The path on the map starts at the Glazend River. You know the way there, I trust?"

"Of course." She responded. She had loved to play in the river when she was little.

The carriage took her back home. She told her brother what had happened. The look on his face was priceless.

"Out of all the maidens, they chose you." He shook his head. "I can't believe it. My baby sister, the last hope of the kingdom." She had a light supper before going to bed.

Just before dawn the nest morning, she woke up and had a light breakfast. When she was ready to leave, the magnitude of this journey sunk in. The survival of her beloved kingdom depended on her. She, who had never left the comfort of her village, never fought and killed until yesterday, was Takkro's only hope.

"I don't know if I can do this, Shantar." She said, tears in her eyes.

"The Queen chose you. Besides, you're the only one who can handle the sword. I wish I could go with you, but I have too many responsibilities here. Good luck, Taria." He hugged her, practically choking her. Taria didn't really want to let go, but she eventually did.

Finally, she turned away from the sunrise and the village, and headed to the river. On the other side of it lay the unknown. She waded across a shallow part and truly began the journey.




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I'm sorry to say I wasn't crazy about this story. There's a decent amount of good dialog but some of it is obvious exposistion. Plus there's alot of telling and not showing here. I think the sparse narration is what took me out. I had a hard time seeing this world and your characters. You do have a good setup going with the talisman being stolen and there's alot you can do with that story. Exposistion is a nessisary evil of this genre and its difficult to write without sounding obvious. I'd suggest at first to beef up the narration and show us this castle where the story takes place. I want to know the sights, sounds, smells, and touches or the castle and what the people are like who live and work in the castle. You might want to look around the net for some basic knowledge of what midievil castle life was like. One of the first things a fantasy writer must learn is that it does take research. Because if your world isn't real that is all the more challenge you have to bring it to life. Don't give up and keep writing. Seriously. Revision is like 90% of writing.
That love is suffering is easy to see, for before the love becomes equally balanced on both sides there is no torment greater, since the lover is always in fear that his love may not gain its desire and that he is wasting his efforts.
Andreas Cappelanus, The Art of Courtly Love




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I bit 'fast' I'd say. Lot's of stuff happens, but it happens over a too short a period of time. It'd be better with an intro showing her in her life, her relationships with her family, the state of the kingdom taking a more lesurly (ES) pace. Also, would a Queen really behave like that? I think not. She would be diplomatic, taking ages to get to the point, (but make sure she's giving useful information at the same time, even if it's not obbvious) and acting at least a little 'high and mighty'. Also, Taria might act a little more respectfully towards her. One little error you might want to correct is the language the characters used. I detected at least one dunno in that, and I'm not sure it suits the time period. But I think your story has potential. :D
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Forgot to say: Your dialogue was good! Well done, heaps of people find that difficult. And I liked the idea of the sword that helps her fight, but just make sure you don't use it as a crutch to make things say for her. :D
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You could make the very beggining of this more interesting by having the start of the scene very peaceful, and then having Shantar bursting into the scene looking a bit beaten up and horrified.


Somebody knocked on the door of their little cottage secluded in the forest. It was the Royal Messenger.
To highten suspense, you could add something about them looking to eachother, wondering who it is. Because they are about to be attacked, make it seem like neither one wants to answer the door, as they do not really know who will be on the outside.


You start many of your sentences out with the word 'she'. You could try different things like using her name, or 'the girl', or things such as that.


It seems like you jump too quickly from her being in the carriage to her seeing the queen. Describe the long passageways she goes through, what adorns the walls and floors, other people she may see as she passes through the castle, and so on. Build her mood up.



Her long black hair was tied up in a bun, as is the custom for women after the age of 16. Taria would be 16 in May.
Taria's age at this point is irrelevant to the story. This should be told either before or after this section.


Rename the Black Sorcerer. It is just a suggestion, but a strong one. That name sounds very cliche. Give him a name that sounds as evil as he is. A name which has hard vowels and gutteral sounds usually works very well, just don't over do it, either.




No way could that tiny thing have enough supplies for a journey of this caliber. Than she opened the satchel.

The first sentence sounds a bit clumbsy, awkward. In the second, it should be 'then', not 'than.' Than is used for things like 'she is older than her cousin.'

The contents spilled out onto the table.
Why did they spill onto the table if she only opened the bag? Make sure to say that she dumped them or something to that like.



The sword of Ancila.
There should definitly be some shock and wonder coming from the girl. Explain how she feels as she sees this legendary sword that has been given to her.


Wow, you're the first who could wield it! I'm impressed. Now, can you fight me
This seems very out of character for a queen. She seems more like a younger person when she says that, and not very royal.

Not bad, not bad, but sometimes, you gotta take the offensive. Oh, I get it. You don't want to hurt me. Well, let's pull in the old prisoner. We were gonna kill him anyway, but now he'll get to die in a proper duel."
Blah. The way in which you have the queen talking definitly needs some work. Something like 'Very good. You must, however, learn to take the offensive.' *the queen studied the girls face, already knowing the reason why she had not dared to properly fight the royal woman* 'I understand your concern, but as I am attempting to train you for battle...yada yada yada... Do you understand what I am trying to say?


She did defeat him, but it wasn't easy. He was strong and forceful, and at first, she was too busy trying to figure out how to use the damn thing to notice how slow he was compared to her.
Lengthen this first battle sequence. You can add in some more details as to how very rough he was, and then it slowly dawns on her that she does not have to use her own brawns and brain to use the sword she was given.

"Of course." She responded. She had loved to play in the river when she was little.

The carriage took her back home. She told her brother what had happened. The look on his face was priceless.
You do not have any mention of the queen and the girl departing. you go directly from her saying she knows her way around, to her being home. Also, her brother should have a much stronger reaction to his little sister going out to do battle.



I think this story definitly has potential. There are, however, certain aspects of the writing that should be cleaned up to give the full affect of what you are trying to tell.


Good luck, do post more when you work on it again.
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Yippee another great story. I feel jealous some times. how can you think of such names and happenings????
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