Young Writers Society

Introductory Notice.

The following account is perhaps a tad unbelievable. I wished to leave a transcript of the letters, and journal entires I kept so as to verify the truthfulness of what occurred. However, such an option has been denied to me. As such, I have compiled my account into something of a narrative.

I, being of sound mind and heart…well heart anyway, do so testify that the following account is true. If you are of the faint hearted then turn away. Burn this papyrus and flee. Should you read on, and a month hereafter you find yourself being treated for dementia, then I will not be blamed. You have been warned.

My world is full of charlatans and fools, what has occurred to me will not be believed and the telling of it will not be worth the consequences. So, I write this for you, my children and my children’s children. There is still hope.

Chapter 1.

Time is of the essence. I must tell my tale; I must inscribe this extraordinary sequence of events before its too late. I can feel the Change draw closer. A part of me hungers for it. – Excerpt from letter.

I am mad. That must be it. There can be no other explanation. What I saw defied the laws of nature. Even now as I stumbled away from the scene, near gibbering with fear I can feel the images pulling at my psyche, tainting my thoughts. Trying to consume me. I tore at the branches and bushes in my path—desperate to get away... from the carnage, the blood.

Unhurried footsteps followed.

A gasping sob escaped from my mouth.

I ran onwards, stumbling blindly through the forest, my monastic robes tangling my legs and slowing me down. Every moment lost aided my pursuer. In fact it was as if my robes were conspiring against me. With horror, I realised that was exactly what it was trying to do. Screaming, I tore of the offending clothing, leaving them writhing on the floor. I ran near naked now. Leaves were as scythes, slicing into my unprotected skin. Blood flowed freely, running in rivulets down my body. My own harsh breathing and thundering heart drowned out all noise, making the forest seem eerily silent.

I stumbled and rolled down an unseen hill. Earth. Sky. Again and again I rolled, pain jarring in a thousand places, overwhelming me. I prayed to whatever deity would listen, I begged for succour, for help…I bargained away my soul. My blood spilt into the earth, sinking deep into its embrace. Soil entered my veins, filling me with visions of mountains, rock and fire. We were one.

Then there was peace. A comfortable darkness enfolded me. The smell of earth, of soil pervaded my senses. The silent song of the forest made itself heard to me. I was safe. It was then I realised my bargain had been accepted. My eyes snapped open in horror.

What had I done?

**********
This should be in Old English font. I cant get it on the site though, so this is the alternative.

more....you must wtite more... .

this was so welly done, the truthfullness of putting stuff like " it wont seem believable" made it believabe and the way you told it through the eyes of this dude made me so curious that through out reading it a ate three fingers without notecing

i wish i cd right this gud

Thanks a lot. Comments are much appreciated.

And Im sure you'll do better as you get older.

This was pretty good. You had some decent imagery and good word choice, but sometimes I felt you were trying almost too hard.
I wasn't fond of your introductory; It was strange and in my opinion, took away from the story. The last paragraph is a good intro, but the rest of it made me want to read it less and less. From the way you wrote it, it sounded like you were trying to intrigue the reader into delving into the story, but instead it turned me away.

I must inscribe this extraordinary sequence of events

Inscribe is a good word. I love the word inscribe, but here I thought it was too fancy of a word. 'Record' might work better here.

I can feel the images pulling at my psyche, trying to rip my mind apart.

I like the idea of images pulling at the writer's psyche, but 'trying to rip my mind apart'? This seemed cliche and definitely not as powerful as the rest of this section. Rephrasing that would do you much good; intrigue the reader without the common phrases. Create phrases like 'lingering in the corners of my haunted mind' for these kind of parts; don't settle for the normal.

desperate to get away.

From what? I can understand you are trying to create suspense here, but at least hint at what you are fleeing from to intrigue the reader further. If you leave the reader oblivious, the suspense dies.

A gasping sob split from my chattering mouth.

Here is an example of where I think you are working too hard. Firstly, it 'split' from the mouth? A sob split from the mouth? That doesn't make sense. And from your 'chattering' mouth? So, a person who is running through the underbrush frightened was... chattering? I don't think so. Don't add unnecessary, confusing details for the sake of describing the mouth. Just saying 'a gasping sob escaped my mouth' would work or if you want to make it even more interesting 'a gasping sob escaped my trembling lips.'

my monastic robes tangling my legs as if aiding my pursuer.

I like the idea of the robes tangling in the legs... good, but I didn't like the last part 'as if aiding my purser'. Yes, I know this is leading into the next line and that the robes ARE aiding the pursuer, but I don't think this should be mentioned in this sentence. Even just making that part a separate sentence and saying 'Each moment I lost aided my puruser' would help. Of course, this will require some rephrasing of the next line too, but it will clear up that sentence and allow the robes tangling in the legs to have their effect.

I tore of the offending clothing, leaving them writing on the floor

Um... the clothes are... writing?

Leaves became as scythes

A good simile, but this would work better as a metaphor so we can unclutter the sentence. You don't need 'became' because that implies the leaves were in the process of becoming scythes. Saying 'the leaves were scythes' would work or if you still want a simile 'the leaves were sharp/brutal as scythes'

My own harsh breathing and thundering heart drowned out all noise, making the forest seem eerily silent.

My fave line of the entire piece! Excellent!

I stumbled and rolled. A steep hill I hadn’t seen bore me down and away.

This was awkward. The hill is 'bearing' you down that makes it sound like it's carrying you down. Just saying 'I stumbled, fell and rolled helplessly down an unseen steep hill' would clear up the meaning.

My blood spilt into the earth, sinking deep into its embrace. Soil entered my veins, filling me with visions of mountains, rock and fire

If this is literal, I understand, but I did not like the idea of the earth's embraces. I'm sure you can find a clearer image to present the reader with there. But if this is figurative, I really see it as unneeded. Speaking simply, but descriptively and saying 'my blood stained the leaves and mud' would definitely work better. Sometimes figurative language works; sometimes it doesn't... it depends on the situation and it takes a lot of practice to know when the time is and when it isn't.

The silent song of the forest made itself heard to me.

'made itself heard'? I was enjoying some of your beautiful verbs in here and then this. I am POSITIVE you can find a better phrasing for this. Phrases like 'resounded in the still air around me' or 'rung sharply in my ears' would hold your intriguing verb choice to the end. Don't get sloppy!

And lastly, I must say that I enjoyed your ending; it was clever and somewhat unexpected though foreshadowed beautifully. Despite my criticisms, I did enjoy the main bulk of this (I spoke about the intro earlier). Please keep writing and developing your word choice and phrasing, but please don't start trying so hard to find an uncommon word that you sacrifice clarity or flow.
Nicely done, keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.

Awesome. Thanks for taking the time to critique this. A lot of what you said made sense and I'll set about fixing, altering or rephrasing those sentences. The introduction...I can definetly see what your saying, but this was ment to be like an historical account, written in Old English, so I was trying to make it seem believable. I guess I screwed that, so, I'll alter it but wont delete unless there is a consensus on the matter.

Um... the clothes are... writing?

Whoops. Thats ment to be writhing.

Quote:
My blood spilt into the earth, sinking deep into its embrace. Soil entered my veins, filling me with visions of mountains, rock and fire



If this is literal, I understand, but I did not like the idea of the earth's embraces. I'm sure you can find a clearer image to present the reader with there. But if this is figurative, I really see it as unneeded. Speaking simply, but descriptively and saying 'my blood stained the leaves and mud' would definitely work better. Sometimes figurative language works; sometimes it doesn't... it depends on the situation and it takes a lot of practice to know when the time is and when it isn't.

Hmmm. It kinda is literal. The embrace was ment to symbolise an acceptance, as in of a pact. You see in the previous sentence he was begging the gods for help, bargaining his soul. The blood sinking into the earth was, I think, necessary.

'made itself heard'? I was enjoying some of your beautiful verbs in here and then this. I am POSITIVE you can find a better phrasing for this. Phrases like 'resounded in the still air around me' or 'rung sharply in my ears' would hold your intriguing verb choice to the end. Don't get sloppy! 'made itself heard'? I was enjoying some of your beautiful verbs in here and then this. I am POSITIVE you can find a better phrasing for this. Phrases like 'resounded in the still air around me' or 'rung sharply in my ears' would hold your intriguing verb choice to the end. Don't get sloppy!

After the mingling of blood, and the acceptance of the pact he is able to discrern things about the forest that he normally wouldnt. So, in essence the song actually did make itself heard. He wasnt able to hear it before...but maybe your right. I'll toy with the idea for a bit and we'll see what happens.I'll introduce this more thoroughly later on.

Anyway, Thanks a lot for taking the time and effort, it is much appreciated.

dude this is awesome, u need to add on, least i think so. the only part that for some reasn did not sound beautiful to me was the beggining of a later paragraph: i stumbld down the unseen hill. it didnt sound right. idunno why though. EverOnward

dude this is awesome, u need to add on, least i think so. the only part that for some reasn did not sound beautiful to me was the beggining of a later paragraph: i stumbld down the unseen hill. it didnt sound right. idunno why though. EverOnward

Thanks man. Um, Im going to leave it as it is for now, let it fade into obscurity until the fullstory emerges in my head. I just wanted to write a beggining for now. Im going to focus on Shadow and Shaman for now and I'll actyually have the time to do so as I have a 2 week break coming up.

Anyways, thanks for your comment, its always appreciated.