Young Writers Society

ladydark wrote:Romien picked up the pack and looked at them, “Well, we might as well get started… we can handle a bit of heat can’t we?” He stepped into the desert and looked back at the other two. Kain shrugged and followed close, with Tabris at his heels. The trio ventured into the desert in silence, each so deep in their own thoughts they didn’t see the scout. Suddenly a large group of rogue serpents appeared, surrounding them. “Who daresss to tresspass here. Thisss is our desssert.” The largest one hissed, raising up to its full height. Tabris smiled, “Oh look, rabid snakes. Shall we?” Kain grinned and pulled out his swords quickly, standing at ready as he eyed the largest snack, “We shall…” The largest rogue hissed again and launched itself towards Kain. Kain swung his sword up and around in a crescent moon swing and slide off the head swiftly. “Dead thing don’t bite.” Tabris chuckled and glanced at the other snakes. They scattered as something large rumbled towards them in the distance.

What is that? You just did like a whole little encounter in a paragraph. It's not nearly descriptive or exciting enough.

thank you oh so kindly torpid... this story is loosely based on a RP game I used to do, the forest of darkness was simply the name, and besides it could mean many things, not just dark and evil stuff... and she is a part vampire... also the fact that I'm not ''sticking'' to the story, this is my outlet for when I have free time or I need time to chill, its just aload of ramblings I am doing and I am sorry if it does not agree with you, a few others seem enjoy it, you seem to not be one, so if it disagrees with you, so be it....

Romien picked up the pack and looked at them, “Well, we might as well get started… we can handle a bit of heat can’t we?” He stepped into the desert and looked back at the other two. Kain shrugged and followed close, with Tabris at his heels. The trio ventured into the desert in silence, each so deep in their own thoughts they didn’t see the scout. They stopped at a patch of rocks and looked around. “Something doesn’t feel right…’’ Tabris muttered to them quietly.

Suddenly a large group of rogue serpents appeared, surrounding them. “Who daresss to tresspass here. Thisss is our desssert.” The largest one hissed, raising up to its full height. Tabris smiled, “Oh look, rabid snakes. Shall we?” Kain grinned and pulled out his swords quickly, standing at ready as he eyed the largest snake, “We shall…” The largest rogue hissed again and launched itself towards Kain. Kain swung his sword up and around in a crescent moon. The snake dodge the blade and slithered around behind Kain. Tabris watched amused as Kain turned around quickly and sliced off the head swiftly. “Dead thing don’t bite.” Tabris chuckled and glanced at the other snakes. But they scattered as something large rumbled towards them in the distance.
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I guess I'm a bit late, but in your first part this is what I saw:

. Towards the southern end of the forest was a massive lake, the East Side of the lake was guarded by sheer cliffs, a massive waterfall. . .

wouldn't it be better like this:

Towards the southern end of the forest was a massive lake, which was guarded by sheer cliffs, a COLOSSAl or ROARING or MAGNIFICENT waterfall. . .

(Two massives take away some of the beauty. Keep it up though!)

it's a nice story, good job, but for some reason, it sonds a whole lot like the bigging of one of mine...
the black forest, and yours the forest of darkness..both having to do with a lady that protects the land...maybe its just coincidence, or maybe not...either way, ehh...

if it is, I didn't copy off of you... I've been doing this for nearly 10 months....

Lady Dark opened her eyes slowly and yawns quietly, finding herself alone she curled up under the blanket. She tried to fall back asleep but the morning light peeped through the door. Lady rose off the couch and pulled on her dress slowly, sitting on the bench near the fire she ran a brush through her tangled hair. She hummed quietly to herself as a small white rabbit hopped into the den curiously, Lady turned to look at the rabbit. “Why, hello little one, what brings you here?” She murmured quietly to the creature, walking slowly over to the bunny. The bunny rose up on her hind legs and wiggled her nose, watching Lady cautiously. Lady smiled and knelt down to the ground, holding out her hand. The rabbit hopped closer and touched her hand with a paw, “Greetings Lady Dark. Some creatures and I have sensed a great disturbance in you. Those who are still loyal to you wish to help you on what task you are taking on. I promise you I am honest and highly loyal to you. Delucaz cannot hear this, nor will he find out about it. Please trust me in when I say, we want to help, and we will do what we can.”

Lady stared at the bunny, confused, but curious, “How did you know how to find me, and what is your name little one.” The bunny sniffed and watched her, “Little one indeed, my name is Clara. You were found by the birds, they saw you and reported to him as quickly as was possible.” Lady shook her head, “Him?” The rabbit nodded, “Him, he who is the most loyal of all. The mighty mouse, who can change to a dragon in the best of times. Satu is his name. Do you know of him?” Lady bowed her head and remained silent for a time, then stood up, looking at the rabbit, “Oh do I ever…”

Clara started to hop towards the entrance of the den, ‘’If you wish to meet with Satu, now is the time.” Lady shook her head, “What of Delucaz?” The bunny smiled, “It is safe. But if you wish to stay here and let him… continue what he is doing, then stay, or come with me and have a little break.” Lady smiled faintly and followed Clara cautiously, “Are you sure?” Clara nodded, “Very.” She hopped out of the den and westward, heading deeper into the forest with Lady Dark following close behind her. Her face showed worry, but still she followed close behind. The duo reached a meadow and Clara grinned, “We are here…” Lady stepped into the meadow cautiously, looking around. The grass rustled a bit, and she stepped back quickly. A faint chuckle came from the meadow weeds as a squeaky voice emitted from behind a rock, “How wonderful to see you again my most cherished friend.”
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Haven't read this in ages.

This is pretty good but space out when characters are speaking, I get confused and don't know who says what.