Young Writers Society

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

hi i think you have something going there, but....

you need to fix some parts in your writings. sometimes there are just pieces of a word in sentence. on some words your forget like three letters. one time you used he when describing you character

you rushed way too fast throught the part when Evelyn was captured. you lacked in detail and suspense. they just kind of caught her and put her in the tube.

not very suspensful.

I'm also not sure where the plot is going. does evelyns's story end here, or is there more?

i would give this a 6/10

Tony.

'An explosive adventure from bigging to end ' the times

To jchoufani,

you need to fix some parts in your writings. sometimes there are just pieces of a word in sentence. on some words your forget like three letters. one time you used he when describing you character

>.< Yes I did type that bit up rather quickly. I'll go back and get rid of those things. Thanks for pointing that out.

you rushed way too fast throught the part when Evelyn was captured. you lacked in detail and suspense. they just kind of caught her and put her in the tube.

Funny you should mention that. I had started going into that part and then had to stop writing for a bit. Then I started thinking about fleshing out Jeffery and when I started writing again I switched perspectives. I'll put some thought into it and go back and put some more description into that whole bit.

I'm also not sure where the plot is going. does evelyns's story end here, or is there more?

^_^ Good question. Evelyn's story doesn't end there. She is, as I did put in (but failed to fully explain when Jeffery went off on his rant), now another downloaded conscious on the VT network. She was taken to be a replacement for the last person who was taken as a sort of side kick to Teios (nicknamed sides). The story continues basically following her as she tries to survive within the virtual world Frisko created. Which would be very boring if that wasn't just the beginning. Luckily it is and the main plot is showing hopes of being more interesting.

But your question brings to attention the fact I didn't really take enough time to introduce the situation. I had intended to use her journal entry to better introduce VampireTorium as her favorite show, but got distracted when I realised I needed to establish that Evelyn had high hopes for herself but little confidence to follow through. I will go back and fix flesh out this whole first part.

i would give this a 6/10

I'll take that as a good sign. Thanks for the great comments. I hope you'll come back and read it when I've fix it up.

After reading the story I do agree that the title is a wee bit misleading but hey,in my humble opinion, it adds suspense to the piece 'CAUSE we know there is going to be a vamp in it somewhere but where .....?

*looks around warily*

It's cool. I liked it even if you didn't that much and I think you should continue with it !

Oh, I found a typo ....

If I was bold, I might have jus moved so I could see the board

...you might want to fix that .......

Okie. I went over this and think I fixed all typos. Now working on revised version which is in a new thread (Blakdrealm I). Thanks for the crits. Always welcoming more.