Young Writers Society

Here i go making a fool of myself, you can't say i don't try.


There once was a Bard by the name of Godferry Harper, he was no strong person, he knew no magic, yet he was sought after throughout by high born and low throughout the land for his gift of singing, and his minstrelsy. People who heard him announced he was as an angel, for how could it be, that someone played so well and sing so beautiful. People said that when he played they felt uplifted, as if to heaven it self.

Therefore, by time the King of the land heard of his skills an immediately forced him to play or he could never sing or entertain. For he would cut his tongue off an cut all his finger off; when Godferry saw him he trembled he was very built, clean shaven, black locks of hair an he was about 7.9 in height, so with a an upset face an a sigh Godferry accepted, realizing he had no other choice. Therefore, Godferry had no choice but to play to play to all manner of people some in rags some in robes and some in armour he hated; his father has told him music should be free.

He sighed after his performance and went to his noble sleeping quarter. It seemed more like a prison cell to him, it was a vast room with a four-poster bed, an enormous wardrobe, and lot of other big furniture, but it seemed like a prison. He wasn’t allowed outside, without a guard, oh how he longed to be free, how he longed! He looked at the mirror to see himself, he was 6.5 in height roughly, he had dashing blond locks of hair, an glassy blue eyes, and was quite slim, he was wearing bright clothing, but what identified him from other Bards was a gold pendant with a topaz inside it.

One day a party of heroes were in the Capital, Godferry played, singed a recited trying his best to smile. When he finished the King who was in his best robes an wearing his Emerald Crown, Godferry grimaced the king was showing off his power he was bringing as much food on as possible, and bringing on thousand of different wine, Godferry was use to this, but he still hated it.

Their once was a Bard by the name of Godferry Harper, he was no strong person, he knew no magic, yet he was wanted throughout the land for his gift of singing, reciting an playing. People who heard him announced he was a angel for how could someone play so well an sing so good. People said that when he played they feeled uplifted an felt they were in heaven it self.

Not bad. The grammar just needs some tidying up.

There once was a Bard by the name of Godferry Harper. He was no strong person, he knew know magic, and yet he was wanted throughout the land for his gifts of singing, reciting, and playing. People who heard him announced that he was an angel, for how could someone play and sing so well? People said that they felt uplifted when he played, as if they were in heaven itself.

Writing is a practice of options. There are so many possible corrections for this, and it is really up to you, anyway. What I wrote is just a suggestion. First, on the "singing, reciting, and playing" part, you could replace those three words with only two words: music and speechcraft. If you were to do that, it would come off like this:

He was no strong person, he knew no magic, and yet he was wanted throughout the land for his gifts in music and speechcraft.

And also, "play" isn't the most common word for use when talking about dramatic productions; "act" or "perform" could work in place of "play."

So by time the King of the land heard of his skills an immediatly blackmailed him to play or he could never sing or play for he would cut his tongue off an cut all his finger off;when Godferry saw him he trembled he was very built, clean shaven, black locks of hair an he was about 7.9 in height, so with a an upset face an a sigh Godferry accepted, relizing he had no other choice. Godferry was forced to play to all manner of people some in rags some in robes an some in armour he hated , his father has told him music should be free.

So by the time the King of the land heard of his skills, he immediately forced<"blackmailed" isn't the best word to use here. It doesn't seem to fit.> Godferry to perform for him, or he would order for his tongue and fingers to be cut off. <This particular paragraph seems a tad rushed. Especially right here.>When Godferry saw him he trembled. The King was very built, clean-shaven, and had long, black locks of hair. <It wouldn't hurt to describe the king a little more.> He was almost eight feet in height. With an upset face, Godferry accepted, realizing he had no other choice. He was forced to play for all manners of people: some in rags, some in robes, and some in armour. He hated it; his father always told him that music should be free.

The above is your same paragraph with the grammar corrected. I'm curious as to how long this story is supposed to be, because right now it feels a little rushed. But other than that the only thing that seems to be wrong with this paragraph is the grammar. When it comes to grammar, the more you practice, the better you get. (Same with writing, the more you write, you come up with more creative ways to say and describe things.) Oh, and, when writing numbers: If the number is below 20, go ahead and write it out. ("Eight" instead of "8.") But if it's 20 or above, you can just use numbers.

He sighed after his performace an went to his noble sleeping quarter, it seemed more like a prision to him, he was not allowed outside without a gaurd, oh how he longed to be free, how he longed. He looked at the mirror to see himself, he was 6.5 in height roughly, he had dashing blond locks of hair, an glassy blue eyes, an was quite slim.

After his performance, he sighed and went to his noble sleeping quarter, though it seemed like a prison to him; he was not allowed outside without a guard. Oh, how he longed to be free! How he longed! <Great expression!>He looked at himself in the mirror. He was roughly six and a half feet tall, and he had dashing blond locks of hair, glassy blue eyes, and was quite slim. <Perhaps you could describe what he's wearing?>

One day a party of heroes were in the Capital, Godferry played,singed an recited trying his best to smile. When he finished the King who was in his best robes an wearing his Emerald Crown,Godferry grimaced the king was showing off his power he was use to this.....

One day, a party of heroes were in the Capital.<Maybe you could describe these heroes?> Godferry performed for them, trying his best to smile. When he finished, the king, who was in his best robes and even wearing his emerald crown, began to show off his power. <How did he show off?> Godferry grimaced, as he was used to this.

You're a writer. I can tell. You just need some grammar, spelling, word order, and punctuation practice. I rewrote whole paragraphs this time, correcting the grammar and whatnot, but the next time I critique something of yours, I'll only give you a list of what is wrong, and you'll have to correct it yourself. (That's the way I learned.)

Anyway, good job. You've got a solid base for your storyline. Your actual writing isn't bad.

When you say blackmail do you mean imprisioned? For blackmail, both the parties have to know that one party did something bad. Just make sure you know what it means.

P.S. Much better.

You have GOT TO stop using AN for AND.
It's AND! Don't type how you SPEAK unless you're first or third person!

People who heard him announced he was a angel for how could someone play so well an sing so good.
That is a QUESTION! There is also a comma after angel.

It was descriptive, I'll give you that. But it doens't say when or where this is happening. As far as I knew, Godferry was one of the generals in teh Storybook Carradyne, which I need to work on soon....

Nice job, all in all, it's nice to know you're not a coward when it comes to posting.

When the performance was over, Godferry slouched back to his room, when all of a sudden something jumped down out from a dark. When he had gotten over the shock, he realized it was a girl, with long black hair an a very slender build, he could see no more apart from her eyes she had watery sea blue eyes, and she looked very short.

"Hello Godferry Harper, Caroline Cut purse I'm a Thief you see, but I'm doing noble deeds right now."

"Hi," replied Godferry, stammering.

"Godferry, no need to be scared of me, I swear by any god who cares, I have no sinister purposes."

'Urg... o-okay?'

"well anyway Godferry I'm offering a chance for you to be free for music to be free."

"What how did you know that? I only ever said that when nobody was around, he looked accusingly at her."

"Sorry did not realize that was suppose to be secret, I can read minds an many more thing; Godferry... Lord Fontroy our leader is willing to train you fighting an weapon craft, an I will make sure nobody harms a hair on your head she replied slipping her mask off an smiling, "now will you trust me."

"What in it for me I'm a great inspirer,” “I can write songs and poem of your exploits he replied."

Hold on Godferry, I better explain what in it for you; from now on if you join us an inspire us.”

“We will train you, so once we are finished our quest; you no longer taken prisoner by evil dictator's, you will be able to defend your self... think about, if you do want to join or motley band, I will be waiting in the Palace Courtyard."

Godferry heard load footsteps "Quick run and hide Caroline, and I will think about that offer, you keep up your end of the bargain though he whispered, smiling."

Caroline ran a few yards and then disappeared into the corridors, when Godferry looked around he saw a guard behind him,
"Hello Master Godferry, who were you talking too the Guard asked gruffly."

"Just one of the slaves.... Officer you can carry on now Godferry replied grinning."

"The guard just about to wring his neck for impertinence, then he realized he better not, or else it would be his head. He sighed angrily and irately walked away.

As I said in MSN, you need to clean up the spelling and grammar. We fixed that small section of the conservation, but the rest of it could do with a bit of pacing as wel. Break it up - it's unnatural for one person to speak for a long time. Get it to flow smoother.

As for the title of story - well, that's up to you . Pick something that is relevent to the story, sounds good and captures your attention.

God ferry walked away quietly snickering, how he loved to annoy the guards, and what he loved even more, was that they could do nothing to harm him. He looked up and realized he was in the Forbidden West Wing of the castle forbidden to all but royalty.
He wondered about pondering why this area was so forbidden, and, he suddenly heard some screams near him so, went to see who or what screamed. He ran down the hallway, his feet clattering on the stone floor. He turned around. What met his eyes was monstrous-hundred of nobles he saw from the feast were there all getting tortured with some insidious device.
He could smell blood sweat, an urine, an then he saw one of the heroes from the feast getting put in an a Iron maiden. What he heard when the Iron Maiden door close on the hero was a enough to make his blood run cold he heard a crying scream, then nothing. He was just about to turn round an leave this horrible place, when he saw the guard he had angered

"Hi Godferry going somewhere the Guard sneered."

"Uh Oh"

"So Master Godferry decided to take a walk, an it was coincidence you found this place" the guard sneered.

"B.... but b..u..."stammered Godferry

"Do you like this place Godferry, because you will now be staying here for a long time”, The Guard cackled.

"Well since I’ll be locked up here, explain why are you killing these innocent people", Godferry asked angrily.

"You sure you want to know,” Scorned the guard

"Yes, so tell Me."

"Oh well if you’re sure,” shrugged the Guard. "It goes like this, the King wanted special Guards. So the idiot hired Mercenaries like me, an we need a little thing called money; well he did not want to give us any penny at all of his, so we kill the Nobles we chose and take their money, recently the King found out, but since he such a tightwad he can't do anything to save those nobles. So that why nobody except Royalty are aloud round here."

Suggestions on a title? You don't need one. At least, not now. The best time to worry about a title is at the end, when you've written everything down and know exactly what it's about, what the theme is. But if you want a temporary title, you could write "Bard" or "Godferry".

Now. Your storyline is well-grounded etc...The thing that gets in the way is spelling and grammar. Don't worry about spelling now as much. But you HAVE to write "and" instead of "an". It is a must! It's hard not to write the way we speak, but you have to discipline yourself not to.

You have some trouble with punctuation. But never fear! I have a trick for you to try...but it doesn't work unless you do it. Here it is...Read your piece aloud. Whenever you pause (not when you run out of breath, natrual pauses), there's your comma, and when you come to a fairly final stop, put a period. You can reverse this, too. Read what you already have, and exaggerate the commas and periods so you can see where it's awkward, where you may have combined two sentences that should be separate, etc...Isn't it great? It helps me. Try it and see if it helps!

The king...you made me dislike him right away. He's so cruel and vindictive (he was going to make sure Godferry would play for him or not at all...ever. *shudder*) One sentence, and you had my loathing for the antagonist. That's a good thing.

Well, I haven't read all of it yet, I'm on limited computer time. But keep working! You're a storyteller for sure.

~Jacquie~

"Well now you know, i hope you understand your postition Godferry?", sighed the Guard.
"i do", replied Goderry solemly.
"Well Godferry i like you and your singing, sighed the Guard, here a tip make friends with the two thiefs imprisoned here."
"Why are you telling me this, i owe you so much for this?"
"Godferry nobody likes the king, and if you rid the king from this capital, then i'll be forever in your debt."
"Why are you telling me all this?", replied Godferry excaperated.
"Godferry i'm became a mercinarie for only one reason, too get revenge on this king, my wife was one of the first to be killed by the Mercinaries.."
"Why are you telling me this? why did you join the Mercinaries here if they killed your wife?"
"The only reason they killed, was because the king could have stop this, if he paid them.With that Godferry saw the Guard burst into tears.
"Godferry my name is Raphius Illkji he replied still sniffling.

this is a very good peice of work fontroy, it seems though as if things are happening too suddenly, first hes a good bard, right after that king forces him to sing for him, then he is offered fredom by a theif under fontroy's command, then he finds this toture chamber, then right after that he hears some gaurd's sob story and why he wants to kill thi king. it all just seems to happen all at one time, try being a little more descriptive about the life before the king and more when he is forced to work for the king. other than everything being so sudden and fast, this has very good potential, i would like to read the finished work.

Godferry left Raphius Illkji and went into his cell without complaint; he sat down on the mouldy brown covers and his stone bed.
And took out Lyre and played all through the night.

Next day he got thumb screws put on him, and his tongue pull out his throat then shot back in, next he got stripped and whipped with the Cat' O Nine-tales on the back 50 times. All he could do is weep and scream what hope he have now.

Next day two young men came in his cell

"Hey, kid... You realize the cell isn't locked--right?" spoke the first stranger.

"Poor kid... he looks worse for wear. Think we should break him out too?" replied the second stranger.

Godferry looked up at both stranger one had scruffy black hair green eyes, and was quite tall he wore dirty blackish brown rag
He had friendly feature for someone who was in a prison, he had an overgrown black moustache. The other one was wearing a raggedy blue cloak over his head and had raggedy dirty clothes as well. Godferry could not see this guy face, but he knew to trust him for he could see his eyes, and they showed loyalty.

"May introduce us I am Alexandre and my companion with the cloak is Nickolas, we are thieves by trade, My companion Nickolas is a leper, but don't fear him he harmless he just quite scared of people seeing his condition as you understand also if you join us I'll give you this Potion it kills off the leprosy infection for my friend it was too late.

Godferry was flabbergasted, why was everyone being so kind to him? Why him?

'about 4.9 in height'?! What, does this guy do exact mathematics on the side (not to mention you did not mention the unit of measurement). Loosen up. Your characters will reveal their appearence overtime, don't go about describing things in one shot, it'll just bore people.

Yes, I agree. Sometimes its fun to learn about characters as you go, otherwise it seems as though you don't care enough. The scenarios will come where you can add in little things. Ex:" He walked down the hall, pausing at a mirror for a moment to see the face that looked back from under a handsome pallet of blond." Then a bit later you could mention him pulling his bright cloak around him or something to that effect. Pull the details in slowly. It makes it more fun for the readers.

One of the things that bugs me is that you do exact heighth measurement, such as "6.5", "4.9".... If he's just been startled by a woman jumping out of the dark and proclaiming she's a theif, he's not going to observe her exact heighth. You could say instead that she was just under five feet. Get the jist?

going a bit fast, and who got the cat o' nine tails 50 times, and the screws, wouldnt that possibly kill you, and who ever got the beating why did they get it, describe the punishment, sorta like in chains he was brought before the king, and they talk about the crimes he comitted the punishments, and maybe talk about the actualy punishment, like "his desperate screams of pain could be heard through out the castle, ralphius could only watch as godgeffery (or who ever) received his punishment, shuddering at each brutal blow of the now bloody whip.... something like that.....

Godferry accepts realizing they may be his only ticket out of here

"Well now that settled Alexandre replied grinning, you will need to drink this now; it tastes ghastly but trust me leprosy is worse"

Nickolas nods his head in agreement. Godferry drinks the concotion and almost choaks

"What is in this...."

Alexandre shivels a laugh "trust me don't want to know"

Nickolas burst out laughing, he laughs so much his hood comes off. Godferry then see's Nickolas face it was horrible Godferry tried to hide his disgust, but Nickolas see his disgust "Not my fault i never wanted to be like this cries Nickolas

Alexandre pats his friend shoulder and looks at Godferry annoyed "One thing you have to know if you want to escape with us he says angrily ignore Nickolas uniqueness please."

Godferry looks at them sadly.

"Look i'm sorry, but i don't want to join your group i've already been offered a place with an adventureing group."

Alexandre nods his head and sighs "No matter Godferry we were wanting you to help us, but oh well we'll get you out and you can do what you want to do."