Young Writers Society

(I know this seems like a lot but if you want to read my work you'd better get used to it. The chapters in my story are quite long. I first got the main idea of my story from the anime show "Inu Yasha." I hope you don't fall asleep while your reading this.)

Our story starts with a half demon named Kai Kuri who's 15 years old, not much of a child anymore, but thats for later. Early one morning Kai woke up from the bright glare of the sun shineing through his bedroom window, yawning "morning already?" Half asleep, Kai put on his favorite red shirt and black demon hide pants and staggered down the hallway of his family's palace. He never wore shoes, he always went around bare footed. He tried to smoothen out his long, silver hair after sleeping on it all night.
Kai is the prince of Kuri City, although only because his stepfather is the king. Kuri's true father was a powerful wolf demon named Hikatsumi. His father and mother fell in love, despite their differences. His mother, Rya, being human was not supposed to marry anything other than her own species. Hikatsumi died protecting the human he loved and the child she bore, from a dragon with an extremely dark aura. After his death, Kai's mother moved on and got married to the prince of Kuri City, making him king. Kai and his stepfather never really got along. It was not common for different species to breed. Because Kai's mother was a human, he has the body of a human. But, because his father was a demon he gained certain trates that make him... "different." Kuri has a long, bushy tail, fury wolf ears placed on the top of his head, hair as white as a wolf's coat, small fangs, extraordinarily fast running speed, and an unnaturally excellent sense of sight, sound, and smell. Although, he possesses one trait that he got neither from his mother, nor his father, which will be revealed later on.
People who are born from a human and a demon are known as half-breeds. Half-breeds are seen as outcasts because of their differences. Neither humans, nor demons, accept them on account of their associations with the other species. Even their own siblings often don't accept them. There is literally no place for a half-breed to call home.
Kai Kuri is the prince of one of the biggest cities in all of Horagothien, Kuri City. Kuri City is a big time enforcer of the Dragon Knight Legacy. It is looked upon as a religion to these people. It was said that Kuri City was founded in honor of the Legendary Dragon Knight's unltimate sacrifice. Horagothien was a large continent found somewhere in the region of the Actlantic Ocean during medievel times. The world was in a time where modern technology was just around the corner.


Kai was wide-awake by the time he made it to the dinning hall. Traversing here from his bedroom is well over fifteen minutes of walking. The walk always wakes him up though. It was a big room with a long table in the middle big enough to fit fifty men. He could smell the sweet aroma of breakfast being cooked in the kitchen. His stomach growled as he made his place at the table. The rest of his family came into the room when he had made himself comfortable. His mother and stepfather sat at the end of the table. His stepbrother sat on the same side as Kai and his three stepsisters sat on the other.
When he was given his food, Kai quickly dug into it like a wild animal. His mother nagged him, "Kai, where's your manners?"
Kai looked up from his food and jokingly replied, "I left them in my room." then continued to wolf down his food.
His mother said, "At least chew with your mouth closed."
When breakfast was finished, Kai got up and said, "I'm going to the market today. I'll probably be back around lunch time."
Before he left, his stepfather said, "A prince is not supposed to mingle with commoners. You will stay inside." Kai knew that his stepfather was just trying to make him mad.
"He's not the boss of you. Do what you want."
Kai smiled and replied back to his stepfather, "Like you can stop me." He ran out of the room.
"That disobedient little runt." Kai's stepfather muttered to himself.
Kai's mother, who was sitting next to him said, "Let him go, Drake. He's not doing any harm by going to the market. He's taken quite a liking to one of the girls there."
Drake gave up, "Yes, I suppose your right, Rya."
Nobody in the room noticed, but a black mist crept into one of the windows of the dinning room. The mist slithered down the side of the wall and across the ground towards Drake's chair.


Kai exited the palace and headed to the market district. It was a slightly poorer part of the city, but not to the point where there are beggars on every corner of the street like on the east side. As he walked down the street, he noticed a couple of people were glaring at him. When he passed a group of men in front of the tavern, he overheard what one of them said. "No good half demon. Why would King Kuri adopt him in the first place?" Kai felt like turning around and decking the guy for talking behind his back. Kai was pretty strong for his age, so he thought that one good swat on the chin would knock the guy out. But, he decided to let it go. The last time he attacked someone for insulting him, he was severely punished for his "un-princely" actions.
Kai came up to a shabby shop on the edge of the market district. He walked into the shop and started to look around. The man at the counter spoke to him, "Hello Kai. You here to see Karen?"
Kai averted his attention towards the man, "Hi, Garrow. Yes, I am actually."
Garrow replied, "She's in the back, cleaning up. Her break is in a couple of minutes."
"Ok, I'll wait."
Garrow said, "How long have you two known each other, eight, nine years now? You two have been great friends ever since the day you've met."
Kai agreed, "Well, what can I say? I'm greatful to have such a good friend. No one else in this city will even give me the time of day without glaring at me."
"That's strange, seeing as how you're practically a prince."
Kai said, "Yeah, but some people seem to think I'm unworthy of such a title and ignore my higher status. Things are hard enough without people insulting me behind my back."
"Aye, this city is a harsh place for half-breeds I'll admit. But, you just have to ignore them, that's all. Those are the people you have to rise above. When you get to the top you'll look down at those people and laugh at how they will beg you for forgiveness."
Kai laughed, "Well, let's hope that day comes soon, eh?"


The back door of the shop opened. A 14-year-old girl with long, shiny brown hair walked out. She wore long pants, a short-sleeved shirt, leather boots and a bear hide vest. Her appearance indicated that she doesn't like to dress the way other girls are required to. She was suprised by Kai's presence. "Oh, Kai. I didn't know you were here."
Garrow said, "Karen, why don't you take the day off and go with your friend?"
She seemed surprised by her boss' request. "Are you sure? There's still a lot of work to do here."
"It's ok, I can handle it. You just go and have fun with Kai."
Karen smiled and bowed to Garrow. "Thank you, Garrow." She walked over to Kai and said, "So, where do you want to go?"
Kai said, "I don't know, where do you want to go?" They spoke as they walked out of the shop.


Kai and Karen came to a clearing where Karen usually goes to practice her archery. With her yew longbow she shot an arrow into the bull's-eye she marked on the side of an old abandoned house. Kai said, "Nice shot. You've been practicing, haven't you?"
Karen knocked another arrow and, without taking her eye off her target, replied, "Thanks." She released the shaft. The arrow imbedded itself into the wall right next to the first one. Kai noticed an unusual strain in her longbow after that shot. He also noticed that the arrow she shot was way deeper into the wall than her other shots usually are. Kai knew that there was something troubling her. Karen always shows her emotions when she's practicing her shooting. So, he approaches it as he usually does.
Kai said, "That looks easy. Let me try."
Karen replied, "It's not as easy as it looks. It takes a lot of practice to be able to shoot straight."
Kai said, "Your just scared that I might make a better shot than you."
She laughed, "As if that's possible. You could never even hit the target."
"Then what are you so afraid of? Let me give it a shot!"
Karen handed her bow and quiver to him. Kai Knocked an arrow, lifted up the bow and aimed at the target. He released the shaft. The arrow spun upwards then banked down into the ground not even five feet away.
Karen tittered. "I hope that's not the best you can do."
Kai grunted and picked the arrow up off the ground. "That was only a practice shot." Frustrated, he pulled back the string frather than before. He was about to let go when Karen pulled on his tail as a joke, even though she knew he hated it. He yelped, lost his balance and released the arrow. It flew high up into the distance. Kai wanted to turn around and snap at Karen for pulling the prank, but he wanted to see how far the arrow would go. Both Kai and Karen watched as the arrow got smaller and smaller in the distance. It fell towards the ground and disappeared behind some houses. They heard the feint sound of a window shattering and an angered man screaming at the top of his lungs. Kai shoved the bow and quiver of arrows into Karen's arms in a panic. This wasn't the first time this had happened. He said, "Your in a lot of trouble now, Karen." and ran away.
Karen ran after Kai, leaving behind the arrows still in the wall. "Me?! You were the one who shot the arrow!"


They stopped running when they went inside an ally way in the slums at the east side. They were frantically trying to catch their breath. In between pants Kai said, "I think we lost em'."
Karen leaned against the wall. "You owe me three arrows."
Kai stood up straight and spoke accusingly, "Hey, you pulled my tail! If you just kept your hands to yourself you wouldn't have had to leave your arrows behind in the first place."
"Don't care."
Kai dropped his back against the wall, "Whatever." and slid down and sat. He knew it was hopeless to win an argument against Karen.
Karen slid to the ground and hugged her legs against her chest. She looked like she was in deep thought. Kai definitely knew something was on her mind. He asked, "What's wrong, Karen?"
She was reluctant to answer, but she replied, "My father is planning my future."
Kai said, "Again?"
She nodded her head. "He's been trying to find me a suitor for a while now."
"Well, even if he does we can still hang out can't we?"
Karen hugged her legs tighter now. "That's the problem. He's already found a man."
Kai's heart felt like a cold arrow pierced through it, due to the unexpected surprise. "He has?"
"Yes. He bought me off to some lord for a lot of gold. The day I turn nineteen years old, I have to marry him. When I do I'll have to leave Kuri City."
Kai felt sorry for Karen. "That's not good."
"The worst part of it is that I don't even know the guy."
Kai tried to reassure her. "The way I see it is it doesn't matter what he has to offer your father, but what he has to offer you. You might not have met the guy, but do you know anything at all about him?"
Karen thought for a minute before she answered. "I think he has a castle somewhere, with lot's of servants."
Kai rested his arms on his knees. "I guess that means your getting married to a rich lord to be living in a castle."
"I guess I have something to look forward to then. But, once I go I won't be able to come back." She looked like she was about to cry. Kai knew she was sad about the fact they won't be able to see each other again.
He tried to reassure her, "Look, this guy won't be marrying you until your ninteen. That's four years from now. Now's not the time to be worrying about it, we should enjoy the time we have together while we still can. Four years is a long time."
Karen wiped her eyes and rested her legs on the ground. "Yeah, your right. Now's not the time to worry about it. I feel a lot better now. Thanks Kai."
"Any time."

(End of Chapter One)

Sorry if this was tiresome to read, but it was necessary for me to put down this information to properly introduce the main character and the story, other wise you might not understand what I'm writing about in the next chapters. I know it may seem boring, I'm not so good at writing about when characters are talking to each other. But, I'm really good at climactic writing, and there's going to be quite a bit of action in the next chapter.

And, in case you were wondering about that voice in italics near the beginning. Just keep that thought on hold, its part of the main plot and it adds to the suspense if you don't know who or what that is or, better yet, where its coming from.

If you really liked the stuff I've written so far and want to read even more of my story, you won't have to worry about waiting for me to write the next chapters. Right now, I'm already well underway with writing chapter seven, and after seeing how long this chapter is you'll know that's a lot of work.

I read your story and I did enjoy it.

Tomorrow, I'll try and address the grammar mistakes and dialogue. It's just late right now, so I don't have the energy to critque it properly.

I noticed you're from Ontario. I don't live far from the border myself. I live two hours from Quebec, since Lake Champlain is located so far north.

Aw, forgot to mention something. If you think your chapters are long, you haven't seen my work yet, LOL! In fact my current story in my signature and is broken up by means of historical dates, rather than the usual 'chapter one' type of thing. And believe me, they are not exactly short eaither.

Alrighty. As I promised, I've returned for yet another critiquing session. Yay!

I will address grammar, dialogue and the story itself.

First, let's have a look at the dialogue. If you read through your story you should notice that every charactor begins talking like Kai said, "(example).
Garrow said,"(example).

For the reader, at least for me, that was very distracting and honestly, it dragged the story down where it wasn't as interesting anymore. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but when I hit the dialogue part; the story became a little drawn out. Remember, if the characters are well developed, they should stand out all on their own. The constant repetition of "he said" in nearly every line is a no no. Also, it may be just your style but when I write with dialogue, I finish the sentence with a "Matt said." Or "he said."

Example:
"Mom! Quit brushing my hair; I can do it alone," Jess said.
"Suit yourself but don't complain to me if your hair looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket."
"I won't, Mom."
"Call me if you need me," her mom said. Jess watched her mom's reflection disappear into another room of the house.

Of course, I think that was a pretty bad version of dialogue, lol. But at least you, or I hope, you get the idea. Notice that you can still tell who's speaking and clearly Jess is irritated by her Mom combing her hair. That's the other thing about dialogue; it is an extreamly powerful writing tool if a writer uses it correctly. Through a strong conversation within two or more characters, it allows the reader to gain further insight into their 'soul.'

Don't forget; do not hold anything back when creating something. I'm only pointing this out as an early warning. When I was much younger, I never let emotions develop in my stories because I was afraid whoever would read it would think I was "weak" or a "sap." But now I know, that's foolish because it is human nature to express those emotions. I also bring this up because towards the end, you mention Karen will be moving away from Kai, who clearly are close friends.

She nodded her head. "He's been trying to find me a suitor for a while now."
"Well, even if he does we can still hang out can't we?"
Karen hugged her legs tighter now. "That's the problem. He's already found a man."
Kai's heart felt like a cold arrow pierced through it, due to the unexpected surprise. "He has?"
"Yes. He bought me off to some lord for a lot of gold. The day I turn nineteen years old, I have to marry him. When I do I'll have to leave Kiri City."
Kai felt sorry for Karen. "That's not good."
"The worst part of it is that I don't even know the guy."
Kai tried to reassure her. "The way I see it is it doesn't matter what he has to offer your father, but what he has to offer you. You might not have met the guy, but do you know anything at all about him?"
Karen thought for a minute before she answered. "I think he has a castle somewhere, with lot's of servants."
Kai rested his arms on his knees. "I guess that means your getting married to a rich lord to be living in a castle."
"I guess I have something to look forward to then. But, once I go I won't be able to come back." She looked like she was about to cry. Kai knew she was sad about the fact they won't be able to see each other again.
He tried to reassure her, "Look, this guy won't be marrying you until your nineteen. That's four years from now. Now's not the time to be worrying about it, we should enjoy the time we have together while we still can. Four years is a long time."
Karen wiped her eyes and rested her legs on the ground. "Yeah, your right. Now's not the time to worry about it. I feel a lot better now. Thanks Kai."

In my opinion, a good revision might be in order. Honestly, how would you feel if a close friend of yours was about to leave? I personally would have mixed emotions of anger, frustration and saddness; an emotional rollarcoaster. This scene lacks, what I think, you were trying to do. You mentioned a 'cold arrow piercing through Kai's heart." But there should be more to it than that. What is Kai or Karen thinking in their head? I was actually wondering myself last night. However, the choice is up to you, on what you choose to do.

OK, that sums up the dialogue. Now the evil grammar/spelling; my personal enemy. LOL! There isn't many mistakes, at least I didn't notice a lot.

Early one morning Kai woke up from the bright glare of the sun shineing

Should be shining.

He never wore shoes, he always went around bare footed.

Instead of a comma, put a semicolon.

although only because his stepfather is the king

Capitalize King; it's a title, therefore it should be capitalized.

Kai's mother moved on and got married to the prince of Kuri City, making him king.

Same thing as the top. King should be capitalized.

But, because his father was a demon he gained certain trates that make him

It's spelled traits.

That's all I caught for grammatical or spelling errors. One suggestion though; it helps to put separate each paragraph, instead of it looking like one giant paragraph. It's easier on the eyes.

Now, the story itself. While, I enjoyed it, it was probably due to the fact I'm familiar with the magna Inu Yasha. Although, I can't vouch for others, I think more description would serve this story well, like describing Kuri City. Are we in the past, present or future? Are little flying saucers moving about like in the Jetsons? The time line is not clear, nor how the city itself looks. You need to dig deeper and explain. Remember, what I suggested; do not hold back. Another suggestion that's a gold mine for writers is to People Watch. Yes, you read correctly. Try it sometime; you literally have hundreds of facial expressions, dialogues, physical appearances, postures ect, at your disposal. By watching ordinary people, a writer can learn from their 'private studying' and promote their internal notes into their stories. After all, aren't we supposed to create something as life-like as possible?

I believe I've covered enough. Keep on working hard and thank you for the PM.

You know I had a whole critique summed up in my head...but everything I wanted to say has benn covered by fishr, so I'll just second what she said; it was spot on. Your story would definetly be better if you took the time to do the recommended revisions.
Apart from that I found one oddity:

yawning "morning already?"

I dont know what you were going for there so I cant really suggest anything. Was it a though or did he speak aloud? If he spoke aloud add a 'he murmured sleepily on the end of that sentence.

Sorry about the delay in posting; Ive been busy.