z

Young Writers Society


Never Say Neverland Ever Again- Chapter 3



User avatar
1417 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:44 am
View Likes
Noelle says...



“So who’s ready to take a trip?” Peter asked once Bryn was out there with us.

“To Neverland?!” Tilak exclaimed. Peter nodded. You would’ve thought that he told Tilak Christmas had come early. My little brother was literally bouncing off of the walls and screaming thank you in Peter’s direction. I laughed as I watched Peter try to figure out how to deal with my brother.

And then reality set back in.

“Wait, we’re actually going to Neverland?” I asked,

“Yeah,” Peter responded with a huge smile on his face. “Are you excited?”

“But, I didn’t think Neverland actually existed.” I immediately wanted to take it back, seeing as once I said it, Peter looked like someone had killed his best friend. I tried to find the right way to apologize, but no words came. I hung my head.

“I thought you guys believed in me,” Peter said.

“We do,” I responded. “But, I mean, I always believed in you as a fictional character. If someone had told me that you were actually real, this would be going a lot easier right now.”

"Isn't that the whole point of believing though?" Peter asked. "You're supposed to believe that I'm real no matter what people tell you." He had me there. I was so stunned by his answer that I had nothing to say back to him. I simply stared at him like the dork I am. He studied me as if trying to pull a response out of me.

"So, when do we learn how to fly?" Tilak asked, saving me from having to speak. Peter laughed.

"I almost forgot about that! I'll just have to--wait, where's Tink?" Peter searched the air for his fairy friend. I looked too, but couldn't find any hint of fairy in the room. My brothers weren't having much luck either.

"There!" Bryn suddenly cried out. We all turned to see a small golden light shining out from my old doll house. I don't play with it anymore thank you very much, it's simply there for decoration; and because it had sentimental value. It seemed that Tinkerbell liked it more than I did.

"C'mon out Tink," Peter called, slowly advancing towards the doll house. "I've got a job for you." As soon as he got close enough, however, Tink flew out and across the room. He chased after her for a while, sending my brothers into fits of giggles. Yes, giggles.

When he finally caught Tinkerbell, he held her above each of our heads and sprinkled some of her pixie dust onto us. It felt like confetti, but it made me feel weightless as it landed on my head. I squeezed my eyes shut and didn't open them until I heard Bryn cry out.

"I'm flying!" He exclaimed. I looked down and gasped. I was at least four feet off of the ground and I was only going higher. I looked up just in time and pushed myself down from the ceiling. It took us a while (and a little coaching from Peter) to figure out how to use our newly found talent.

"Alright gang," Peter finally announced. "Off to Neverland!" My heart raced in giddy anticipation as he opened our bedroom window. The cold air flew in once again, making me shiver. But I didn't care; I was going to fly off to Neverland, something I'd always dreamed of.

Spoiler! :
Sorry it's short, but I really didn't have much to put in this chapter and I didn't want it to spill over to the next one. I guess I'm just too excited to take my characters to Neverland that I rushed through the whole getting there part. Oh well. I hope you liked it anyway!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





User avatar
146 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3999
Reviews: 146
Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:17 am
View Likes
Dragongirl says...



Okay I liked this story a lot, but....

It needs to be a tad bit more original.

Don't get me wrong you have set Peter Pan in a modern world you have a brand spanking new MC and I'm not say I don't like either of those things, just be careful not to make her too much like Wendy. Infact, if I was you I would make her as different from Wendy as you can. I know you already givin her two younger brothers, playing off the traditional John and Micheal, a stern father and a gentle mother and the MC tells her brothers storys about Peter Pan at night. Thats all good and well but I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be afraid to really shake things up.

Folks have already read Barry's Peter Pan so don't tell them a moderized Barry Peter Pan, give them a modernize Noelle Peter Pan. Make your story your own.

Look forward to the next chapter.

~DG
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  





User avatar
88 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2723
Reviews: 88
Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:20 am
View Likes
hudz96 says...



hello Noelle,
Its nice though its actually not the beginning and i haven't seen the beginning yet. This reminds alot of The film that was made of Peter Pan. Its a little different though, im sure you will make a wonderful story but just one thing maybe you should have something different like a complete different story section like you know how there are different parts of neverland go to a different part. It will be completely your own story then :D
Good Luck in completing your story.
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  








As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun