z

Young Writers Society


Never Say Neverland Ever Again- Chapter 2



User avatar
1417 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:11 pm
Noelle says...



After my brothers and I had eaten dinner, we read a story about Peter Pan like I promised. Tilak insisted on acting it out, so that's what my brothers did as I read the story. Once I had them yawning, we all went to bed. It was warm for a winter night. The windows were closed tight and the heat was running almost full blast. It could get really cold in that room.

I fell asleep in an instant, my dreams filled with mermaids and Indians and Peter Pan.

The cool air woke me up. Shivering, I pulled the blankets up under my chin, thinking that the heat had somehow stopped working halfway through the night.

But then I saw the open window.

Weird. I definitely remember Mother shutting the window before she left.

I got up and shut the window, deciding that Tilak had gotten too hot during the night. Yawning, I wandered back to my bed, not noticing the boy trying to blend in with the walls.

Back underneath the covers, I tried to fall asleep, but I kept hearing noises. My heart beat faster after each noise I heard. Heart pounding in my ears, I opened my eyes and saw nothing. Whenever I closed my eyes again, however, the noises would start up again.

Feet pounding on the walls; the closet doors sliding open and closed; toys being thrown across the room; whispers. I opened one eye and watched the toys fly through the air. If I didn’t believe it before that, I knew. Someone had climbed in through the window. I scanned the rest of the room and that’s when I saw the figure.

I yelped and sat up, turning on the light. The figure (who I could now see was a boy) jumped into the toy chest, the top closing on top of him. I could’ve gone right over there and opened it, but I was too scared. Who knew what would happen if I let the boy out again.

My yell must’ve woken up Tilak because he was sitting up in his bed.

“What’s going on Hali?” he asked, eyes wide. I held a finger to my lips, willing him to be quiet. Now that I thought about the whole situation, the boy had looked more scared of me than I was of him. But why was that?

I snuck out of bed and over to the boy’s side of the room. I crawled into Tilak’s bed and wrapped my arms around him. The poor boy was shaking in fear! I tried to calm him down, but nothing seemed to be working.

“Bryn,” I hissed at my other brother. All of us mine as well be awake if there was a criminal in our house. “Bryn, wake up!” But he simply sighed and rolled over. I shook my head. It looked like I would have to do this by myself.

“Okay, here’s what we are going to do,” I told Tilak. “We’re going to lock your chest and push it out into the hallway. Got it?” Tilak nodded and grabbed the lock off of his nightstand. Barely making any noise, I walked to the toy chest and clicked the lock. I signaled for Tilak to come over and we began pushing the chest out of the room.

The second we started moving it, the boy started kicking. It took us longer than it should have to get the chest out. It’s hard to push in one direction if the person inside of it wants to go a different way.

Once we got it to the doorway, Tilak gave it one last shove and the chest slid to a stop under the lone light in the hallway. I clicked it on, filling the hallway with a bright yellow light. The boy stopped kicking and all became quiet again.

“Should we open it?” Tilak asked. I shrugged and grabbed the key from him.

This is the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. What if this guy is some mass murderer? What if he jumps out of here and stabs me in the chest? Well, here goes. God, I’m sorry for all of the sins I have committed during my time on earth. Please help me!

As soon as the lock clicked open, the lid of the chest burst open and the boy shot out. And when I mean shot out, I mean he launched himself out of that thing and somehow plastered himself to the ceiling.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

I gaped at him. “What are we doing? We’re trying to protect ourselves from a little boy who came into our house through a fourth story window. The real question is what are you doing?”

He looked us over and dropped down from the ceiling. No, I’m sorry; he floated down from the ceiling. I wasn’t sure how he did it, but it happened. Any normal person would’ve plopped down onto the floor like a rock sinking to the ocean floor. This boy was like a feather finding its way back to the ground.

“You are Hali Kern, right?” he asked. I gaped at him (again). How did he know my name? But he simply nodded and turned to my brother. “And you must be little Tilak, yes?” My little brother nodded and jumped up and down in excitement.

“And Bryn’s asleep over there,” he said, pointing. “I’ll go get him for you!” I watched in disbelief as Tilak bounded back into the room to wake up Bryn and introduce him to a complete stranger. The boy watched him go and then turned his gaze back to me.

“Figured out who I am yet?” he asked. I shook my head.

“You sneak into my house in the middle of the night, hide in my brother’s toy chest and scare me to death,” I started. “And you expect me to just be okay with this?”

The boy laughed. “Well, I am Peter Pan, so yeah.” I gaped at him. He must’ve thought that my face always looked like that. He laughed again and told me he’d prove it. And as I watched, he floated off of the floor and flew in a couple of circles.

“Whoa, cool!” Came Tilak’s voice. I barely recognized the fact that both my brothers were there; I was too busy watching Peter in awe. I couldn’t believe that Peter Pan was really in my house. Once I convinced myself that it was really him, something else crossed my mind.

We could be going to Neverland.
Last edited by Noelle on Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





User avatar
66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3030
Reviews: 66
Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:38 pm
Adriana says...



Hey there again, Noelle!!
This is a great chapter! Congratulations!
The only thing I could find was the repetition of the word "window" in here:

Noelle wrote:But then I saw the open window.

Weird. I definitely remember Mother shutting the window before she left.

I got up and shut the window, deciding that Tilak had gotten too hot during the night.


Anyways, good writing!
Hope you get many helpful reviews!
Sorry I couldn't help more
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


"This is calm, and it's doctor!" (My DR. Reid -- Best line ever)
  





User avatar
88 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2723
Reviews: 88
Tue Dec 13, 2011 5:38 am
hudz96 says...



Hello Again Noelle
okay so i came back as promised. Like Adriana mentioned you used the word window a little too much at the top, but otherwise it was good. I think i remembered telling you to maybe twist the story around, you did a little bit, but i think you could do better. Like at the beginning of chapter two you start pretty much the same as the original story maybe you could have it that when they wake up they are already in never land.

Im sorry if this made you feel bad, but seriously i don't mean to make you upset, i really love the way you are trying to make an original story into something different with a twist, so keep it up. Ill be back to review the next chapter.
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  








cron
When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio