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Never Say Neverland Ever Again- Chapter 1



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Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:38 pm
Noelle says...



I’m sure all of you have heard of those stories where children are left home alone and they have amazing adventures before their parents come home. Well, this is one of those stories. What happened to me and my brothers was unbelievable. And it’s definitely a tale worth being told.

My name is Hali Kern, I’m twelve years old and my family lives in a huge flat in New York City. The bedrooms are so big that my parents decided all of us kids needed to share one. My side of the room has a decent sized bed, a worn out couch, a seven drawer dresser and half of the closet. My brothers get the other side of the room with the same type of furniture and a huge toy chest. The walls of our room are lined with shelves of books; most of them about one person:
Peter Pan.

My brothers and I are Peter’s biggest fans. We’ve spent our whole lives reading stories about him and acting them out. Tilak, my six year old, youngest brother, always insists on being Captain Hook. For some reason he likes playing the bad guy. Bryn, who happens to be seven years old, takes over Peter’s role and then I’m stuck playing any of the other characters. I’m the oldest; shouldn’t I be getting the first pick of parts?

On the night that our story begins, Mother came into our room, dressed in a long dress. It was silver and seemed to glisten underneath the soft light in the room. Her hair was long and wavy, reaching halfway down her back. Mother walked in, grabbed my brush and sat me down on the bed.

“Are you going to be okay tonight, honey?” Mother asked as she combed my long red hair, something she did every night.

“Everything’s alright, Mother,” I responded, careful not to let my annoyance come out in my voice. We were all expected to respect our parents and mother wouldn’t be happy if she knew I was annoyed by her. “I can take care of myself.”

My parents were going out to Father’s boss’s Christmas party. Our nanny couldn’t watch us that night, so I was put in charge, something that both scares and excites me.

“And what about the boys, Hali?”

I blushed. I had forgotten about my brothers. They were a handful, but I knew that I could still look after them. I was twelve years old after all. “Yeah, I can take care of them too.” And as if on cue, Bryn and Tilak ran into the room.

“Give me back the football!” Bryn yelled, wrestling his little brother to the ground. Tilak growled in frustration and fought back. Mother looked at me expectantly and I sighed. Of course my brothers would mess things up. I had to be able to show mother that I was capable of taking care of the little devils.

“C’mon guys, lighten up,” I called out. And stupidly, I dove into their pile and fought against them both. After a lot of hair pulling, punches being thrown and screaming, I managed to pull them apart. The football was left on the floor, seemingly forgotten. I picked it up and threw it on my bed. “Neither of you gets this until you learn how to share.”

“Mother left a while ago,” Tilak piped up. A quick look over my shoulder proved him right. Our room was empty except for us.

“Fine, you can still have the football, but don’t fight anymore. I don’t feel like fixing all of your problems tonight.” The boys smiled and thanked me, running over to their side of the room. I knew how to keep my brothers in line, but I wasn’t strict with them. As long as they didn’t do anything stupid, I was fine with leaving them to entertain themselves.

“Maria, are you ready yet?” came Father’s voice from down the hall. Mother’s real name is Maria and Father’s is Andrew. I’m really not supposed to know this, but I figured it out by eavesdropping on their phone conversations. My parents think that no child shouldn’t know their parents real names until they reach high school.

My parents are so weird.

Anyway, Father must have thought that Mother was still in our room because he started walking our way. He came into our room, dressed in his favorite suit and tie: black pants and jacket and a bright gold tie. His shoes were shined to perfection and I swore I could see my reflection in them. Father believed in making a good impression no matter how long you’ve known someone. He had been working for the same company for his whole life and he still acted like everyday was his first day at work.

Father also expected Bryn and Tilak to follow in his footsteps. It didn’t matter that they were both under the age of eight; he taught them how to run a business and how to get along with customers. My brothers were way more interested in Peter Pan than any business my father was running, however.

And that’s why they automatically hid beneath their beds once they heard Father coming down the hall. I glared at them and received shrugs in return.

“Hali, have you seen your mother?” Father asked me. I shook my head. Mother had left when I had dove into Bryn and Tilak’s fight. I hadn’t even heard her leave.

“No, sir,” I responded. “Mother was brushing my hair a few minutes ago. And then Bryn and Tilak came in and I had to help them get their pajamas on. By the time I was finished with that, Mother had left the room. I didn’t even see her leave, sir. Maybe she’s in the kitchen?”

Father nodded. “I will check there next. Oh, and tell Bryn that I need to talk to him about helping out his old man with the business tomorrow morning. Have a fun night honey.” He kissed my forehead (something that I’m not used to; Father’s not an emotional man) and left. About ten minutes later, I heard the front door shut and my brother’s emerged from their hiding spots.

“So, can we go play outside?” Bryn asked.

“No,” I responded firmly. “You must stay in this house and entertain yourself. I don’t want to have to worry about you too getting lost out there. After dinner I’ll read you some Peter Pan stories.” They were so excited about that that they wanted to eat dinner right away. Looks like our new dinner time is four o’clock.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

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Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:29 pm
Adriana says...



Hey, Noelle!!
I'm a huge Peter Pan fan and loved your story!! I just can't wait to read more!
Noelle wrote:My brothers and I are Peter’s biggest fans. We’ve spent our whole lives reading stories about him and acting them out. Tilak, my six year old, youngest brother, always insists on being Captain Hook. For some reason he likes playing the bad guy. Bryn, who happens to be seven years old, takes over Peter’s role and then I’m stuck playing any of the other characters. I’m the oldest; shouldn’t I be getting the first pick of parts?

This is a nice introduction! I loved it!
I just found a couple of things:
Noelle wrote:We were all expected to respect our parents and mother (Mother) wouldn’t be happy if she knew I was annoyed by her

Noelle wrote:“No, sir,” I responded. “Mother was brushing my hair a few minutes ago. And then Bryn and Tilak came in and I had to help them get their pajamas on. By the time I was finished with that, Mother had left the room. I didn’t even see her leave, sir. Maybe she’s in the kitchen?”

I think you should write less here... Maybe take off the "By the time I was finished with that, Mother had left the room".

I'm sorry it wasn't that helpful...
Again, loved your story!
Keep writing!!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


"This is calm, and it's doctor!" (My DR. Reid -- Best line ever)
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:59 pm
EvensLily says...



Hello Noelle, we meet again :)

I must admix that... I LOVE Peter pan, him combined with Harry Potter where the two boys that got me to love reading! I've seen the show twice, own all the movies and have read the books so many times!! I've never thought of, however, putting my own spin to it and it's something you do very well!

Just a few NitPIcks :)

-was unbelieveable. And - this is personal, I really don't like using a connective to start a sentence, you could use, also, in addition or plus, but you could still just take away the full stop. Again though, this is personal! It's up to you really :)

- I'm twelve years old and my family lives in a - I'm not sure about the flow of the sentence, Lives especially doesn't work. You could try, my family and I live in a...???

-My parents think that no child shouldn't know their parents name - this is a double negative!!!! Try, my parents think that children shouldn't know the first name of their parents...

As you can see, I'm being really picky! But I love your writing so I just want you to do well :)
This is a brilliant story and I cannot wait to read more, you are brilliant!!!
Lots of love,
Evenslilyxxx
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Write and Smile people! X
  








Sometimes poetry is inspired by the conversation entered into by reading other poems.
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