z

Young Writers Society


The Magical Diary of LLP-- part 11



User avatar
152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:47 pm
Mikko says...



Spoiler! :
Alright, I'm getting quite lazy. Well actually, it's because of school and things- I'm very busy because I'm preparing for very important exams at the end of the (school) year and I'm also part of the editing team for the new school newspaper so I'm pretty much running around the school and that Miniature Mikko in my head is running around to all the things I have to remember. I'm going to do some editing this weekend so I'd like to get some reviews to help me with all that. Thanks for keeping up with Lily. I love you guys! :)


Dear Moon,
As soon as I got home from school today, Mum put me straight to work. She asked me to help her out with setting the table while she cooked the last pumpkin pies. She said as soon as she finished her work at her office, she went straight into the preparations for the Halloween feast tonight.

She had decorated the dining room and living room with hovering candles and carved pumpkins. The corridors were lined with actual spiders spinning long cobwebs. I went into the drawing room to see how Mum had creatively decorated it and to see if there was anything else left for me to help with there.

I went nosing about and opened a few cabinets and cupboards out of plain curiosity and to discover what was around the house again. I walked up to an old writing desk in the centre of the room and touched its ageing wood that had both rough and smooth parts. I opened one of the cabinets and I was pushed back a little because of the dust. This clearly hadn’t been cleaned well enough.

When I opened my eyes after having rubbed them, Mum was lying on the ground, on the other side of the desk. She was lying still and her eyes were closed. I hadn’t seen her come in. She had probably used magic.

“Mum,” I called to her.

I walked up to her and she wasn’t moving at all. Not even the little rise and fall of the chest when you breathe.

I was suddenly struck by panic. All I could think of doing was shake her. Just shake her to wake her up because she was fast asleep. That’s the only explanation: she was sleeping because she had worked so hard.

“Mummy!” I kept repeating to get her to wake up.

“Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!” I was crying now. Why wasn’t she waking up? Why wasn’t she answering me? Was she...? I couldn’t accept that. I couldn’t!
“MUM!” I wailed, tears racing out of my eyes; I heard my voice echoing. I sobbed on her and kept asking her to wake up. I hugged her tightly, with my face on her belly.

“Riddikulus!” A familiar voice boomed around the room. Surprised, I lifted up my head to see who it was that had just said that word. I got up and ran towards the person and I kept on crying.
“It’s alright, lily-flower. It’s gone now, I promise.” Dad caressed my head as I wet his overcoat with my tears, though the drizzle outside had slightly wet him already. I couldn’t even speak to ask him what ‘it’ was. I was too worried and scared to say anything.

Because of that, I came up to my room, to safety and Mum said she and Dad would just finish off the work left. I don’t think I even want to go downstairs right now. I prefer staying up here- writing- than going down to the living room. But it’s almost time for the feast and the family’s going to arrive soon, so I have no choice.

I’ll write more later about how my scariest Halloween went.

L.L.P
31/10/2017
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





User avatar
47 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1654
Reviews: 47
Fri Oct 21, 2011 1:58 am
purpleandblue22 says...



Hey! I though I had already reviewed this, but apparently not, so here I am!

Mikko wrote:She said as soon as she finished her work at her office, she went straight into the preparations for the Halloween feast tonight.


This sentence feels awkward. Maybe say something like "She said as soon as she finished her work at the office, she would go staight into the preparations for the Halloween feast tonight."

Or

"As soon as she finished her work at the office she went straight to work prepairing for the Halloween feast tonight."

Mikko wrote:I went nosing about and opened a few cabinets and cupboards out of plain curiosity and to discover what was around the house again.


Get rid of the "again."

Mikko wrote:I walked up to an old writing desk in the centre of the room and touched its ageing wood that had both rough and smooth parts.


Center not centre.

Mikko wrote:I opened one of the cabinets and I was pushed back a little because of the dust.


It's dust, how was she pushed back? Is this magic dust that actually pushes? Maybe use a different word instead of pushed.

That's all the issues I foud, although it's late-ish where I am so there might be more or there might be less.

Now, I am desperate to know what you will come up with for Lilly's scariest halloween ever, so PEASE write more soon.

--Bee--
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson
  





User avatar
152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Fri Oct 21, 2011 4:07 pm
Mikko says...



Center not centre.


British English.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  








Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox