Young Writers Society

An hour later, we climbed out of the lake, grabbed our towels, and started hiking back toward our cabins.

"I think I finally got all of the wood chips out of my hair," May said, running her towel through her multi-grain-colored hair.

I rolled my eyes. "You know, swimming in the lake does not count as your weekly shower." For some reason unknown to me, May had a problem with taking showers. All she ever did was tie her hair back into two braids and leave them like that until someone bugged her enough get clean. And then she'd take out her braids, wash herself and her hair, and then put them back up again. I wondered if her unsanitary behaviour had anything to do with her mom being Demeter, the goddess of the harvest/garden. You know, the dirt and all.

"Hey, I take more then a shower per week," she said. I raised my eyebrows at her. "What? I do! Hey, look, there's my sister, if you don't believe me, go ask her."

"Nah, that's alright, I believe you." I said, you shower once every six days I added silently in my head. "But who's that boy that she's with? I don't think I've seen him before."

May shrugged, "let's go find out."

When we jogged up to her, Tayla waved. "Hey guys, I was just showing Ryan around camp. He's completely new here and just found out that he's part god."

I offered him my hand, "I'm Ashlin," I smiled. And when I looked at him, I felt that he looked familiar, but I didn't know how that could be because all of my friends were demigods that have been at camp for a while, and this kid said he was new.

"Yep, and this is my twin sister, May," Tayla introduced her.

"You can tell them apart by their eyes," I whispered loud enough for everyone to hear. "Tay's are blue and May's are brown."

"Aw man, now we can't mess with him. Way to ruin the fun, Ash." May said with a twinkle in her eye. We all smiled.

But when I looked in Ryan's eyes, his gaze turned serious, and then they lit up, like something had clicked. "Hey, you're that girl from the football game! The one who talked with my art teacher."

"Oh yeah," I said, recognizing him as well. "I knew you looked familiar."

"...Alrighty then," Tayla said, looking at us oddly. "I'm gonna go show Ryan the rest of the camp, so I guess we'll see you guys tonight at the camp fire." She started pulling Ryan away, but her eyes said, You are going to have to tell me this story later.

Forget about it. mine said back.



Later that night, while all of camp was gathered around our giant camp fire, I spotted Ryan sitting in the middle of the Hermes mob. Poor kid, I thought. But he actually looked like he didn't seem to mind it, like he was used to it.

I nudged Tayla's elbow and motioned toward him. "So, what's his story?"

"Well, you know how new kids are. They're still in shock and not much for conversation." She answered, blowing on her marshmallow. "But I did find out that his mortal parent is his mom, although I think she's been dead for a while because when he mentioned her he used past tense and acted like he hadn't seen her in a long time."

"So who does he live with, then?" May asked. Her twin shrugged.

"He lives at an orphanage." I commented. Everyone looked at me with suspicion. "I over heard someone talking about it." I said, remembering my promise to Chiron not to tell anyone about going out to the football game. But I was never a good liar and every one's look told me that they could see that I wasn't telling the whole truth. "So, what else do you know about him?" I said, hoping to distract them.

Thankfully Tayla always liked hearing the sound of her voice, or maybe she was just too stupid to catch on. But either way, she shrugged and answered. "Nothing much else. Although he seemed really desperate to find out who his godly parent is."

"They always are." Deacon, an Ares child, said, stabbing another marshmallow onto a stick as if he was picturing himself stabbing through a monsters chest. I didn't get along with Deacon very well. He didn't care what other people thought and he sometimes acted like he knew it all and that everyone who thought otherwise was stupid. And he never lost at anything, he made sure of that. But he wasn't as bad as some of his Ares siblings, and we had arrived at camp half-blood on the same day, so I guess we had some kind of connection. Also, the twins thought he was alright and often invited him to join us.

"I guess," Tayla answered Deacon's remark.

After a few moments of silently chewing on smores, May spoke up, "You know, he's kind of cute."

I rolled my eyes, "You would, May."

"You girls are sick," Deacon said, looking disgusted.

"What? You can't tell me he doesn't look good."

I looked over at Ryan. He had an extremely slim figure and was shorter then most boys. In fact "petite' might be a good word to describe him. His hair was super thick and splashed around his head in a way that looked like it was arranged to frame his face, but at the same time it looked independent and wild. In the dark light, his shaggy mane looked black, but from what I knew before, it was only a really dark brown. And it was safe to say that his skin tone was pale, but it wasn't like the ghostly paleness that some of the Hades children inherited. "Well, I suppose he's not ugly. But you can have him." I finally answered.

"Only because she already has her eye on someone else." Tayla whispered.

"Who?" May said.

"I do not! Shut up, Tay."

"Who?" May said, still looking lost.

Deacon looked like he was in agony. "Could you guys please not have your this-guy's-cuter-then-this-guy chats in front of me? I hang out with you guys because you're not like the other girls. Are you going all prep on me now?"

I frowned, I didn't like being described as preppy. "Well, you could leave," I said hopefully.

"I should," he mumbled, but he stayed where he was.

Just then, Chiron stamped his hoof on the hard dirt and everyone quited down. "Hello, campers." I always liked the way he called us campers. He said it as if he was saying "my children". Unlike Mr D, who said it like we were just his subjects that he loathed. Which he did. I suppose I could see where he was coming from. I mean, he was a god who was forced to babysit us as a punishment. But I wonder if he'd ever realize that he would enjoy it a bit more if he at least tried to get along with us.

But anyways, back to Chiron. He was going through the daily announcements. Informing us that we all had a monster identification test tomorrow. "And please, there will be no need for you to bring an example for class. I would rather have the monsters species written down on your test paper then sitting on top of your test paper." He gave a sideways look to some of the Hermes kids, who were smiling mischievously and high-fiving eachother. "And I'd like to announce that we have a new camper in the camp." Chiron continued. "Everyone, welcome Ryan Andronikos."

"Hi, Ryan." We all called. Looking embarrassed, Ryan waved.

"Imagine having to walk around with that last name," Deacon smirked.

"It's not as bad as having a first name that sounds like a pope." I said back.

Deacon gave me one of his I'm-going-to-kill-you, Ares glares, but the twins giggled behind me.

"Yes, yes," Mr. D's monotone voice could be heard shushing us. "Not that we aren't all ecstatic about your arrival, Mr Ray Androniny-"

Deacon snickered.

"-but it's time for all of you children to get to bed." He said it like we were toddlers who were up past our bedtime. But again, that's typical Dionysus

With a quick, "see you guys later," my friends headed off to their separate cabins. I stood up, turned on my pocket flash-light, and shivered in the night air, it was that time of year when things started getting chilly.

As I walked past the line of Hermes kids, I spotted Ryan and called him out. "Hey, Ryan," I walked next to him, "Don't mind Mr D, he's always like that."

"Thanks," he said with an awkward smile, and then he quickened his pace and stepped into his cabin. At first I felt offended, but then I remembered that this was his first day at camp. He was probably hoping that this was all a strange dream and couldn't wait to get to sleep, because he knew that when he opened his eyes in the morning, he would wake up in his own bed.

At least, those were my thoughts the first day of camp.

So I shrugged it off and headed to my cabin to get some shut eye of my own. When I stepped in and closed the door, Corbin called out, "Did you lock it?"

"I did now," I said, turning the lock.

"Alright. Blaze, plug it in."

A glow in the corner of the room confirmed that Blaze had plugged our secret night-light in the wall. Now, we all swore on the river styx that we would NEVER tell anyone about our "extra light" that was turned on during the dark hours of the day. Because ALL of Apollo's children were deathly afraid of the dark. But of course, like the night light thing, we would never admit it. Although I'm not to sure it isn't already obvious, especially the way we all carry our flash-lights around with us where ever we go. It's kind of funny because every night, when we're all dismissed from the camp fire, it's easy to spot the sons and daughters of Apollo because we look like a giant group of walking stars. And, actually, our nick-name is the fire-flies.

"Goodnight guys." One of my siblings called out, and I layed down in my bed and closed my eyes.

That night I had a dream, but as everyone knows, it's rare that a demigod has a normal dream. They're usually some kind of prophecy, or a vision of the past or future. Or, get this, sometimes we get messages from friends or family that are now in the underworld. Creepy, huh?

But when I woke up from this dream, I was sweating. I didn't remember much of it, but I did remember one thing: it was about Ryan.




So, that's it. I felt as if some of the parts in there were a bit cheesy, but didn't know how to fix it. And I was worried about how I would end this chapter, but I think I did a pretty good, at least I feel like it ended better then the last chapter. Please give your input.

nice n really proffesional...like!!!

Wow this is really good. I think your style sounds alot like R.R.'s, which is great, only I think because your character is first person you need to be careful not to make her sound to much like Percy. I'm not saying that you are, I'm just pointing out that it could easy to fall into doing that.

I like all your characters. I thought you made sure they stay true to their godly parent. May not bathing, Apollo kids need a night light.(loved that BTW) Mr D. was right on and so was Chiron, perhaps even more so than in the first chapter. I thought the dialogue was believable and real sounding.

Only thing that I might change was this;

that he expected us to be bright eyed and bushy tailed and well prepared for it.

. There are to many and's here. I would take out one of the first one and put a comma in its place.

Also one typo.

who were smiling mischievously and high-fiving eachother.

*each other.

Thats it. Well done, dragon-sis.

Signing out. ~DG

Personally I'm still in love with your storytelling. It's simple and effective - I especially love the twist ending. Your writing style is beautiful as well and you've nailed originality while at the same time reminding us of Riordan's writing style. You had some very creative little bits in the story and loved how you managed to describe Ryan without starting the chapter of like this:

Ryan was a small, slender boy with bushy brown hair and deep eyes [insert a bunch of mumbo-jumbo]

I've told you descriptions are hard to nail but you did get that one. I understand why you feel it's cheesy, however. I think that there's a lot that you need to edit. For one thing, you're telling the story and not showing it. For another, nothing *really* happened in this chapter save for meeting Ryan. Don't worry about it, that's all you need for this chapter. It's written naturally but you should start thinking about having a real problem soon.

Next, if I think your next chapter is what I think it's going to be, you've set Ryan up to encounter a monster and therefore to reveal something about him... maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. If I'm right and you're worried about being predictable... don't be. All stories are predictable. Romeo and Juliet starts out by telling us the two lovers will die! The point is that we have to want to find out how it happens and there's still some suspense. If you think your next chapter is too predictable, then explain it in the ending here. Tell us what's going to happen in the very next chapter before adding the twist in a mysterious fashion. If we're going to learn who he is then you might want to say that it's going to shock us. Also, don't be scared of causing permanent damage. Especially if there's a warning before it. You were saying this dream was about Ryan. I recommend a realistic warning. Not a readable one where we know he's dangerous. Rather, tell us he's going to kill someone close to her. You get my jive? There are plenty of helpful people in this world... but this guy's going to take a bullet for your sister. There's a massive difference.
^ So in summary, the ending should tell us what the next chapter's about, what's going to happen but not why or how.

I love how we only just now found out that the main character is a daughter of Apollo and I love your mythology of this. That paragraph was so cash it's comparable if not better than (in my opinion) Rick Riordan's own. The capture of the Percy Jackson series and indeed most fantasy is that people want to fantasize, get it? So I want you to start creating this entire interesting universe full of quirks and mannerisms of characters... secret habits, qualities and powers that you will gradually reveal. I'm interested to see what you'll do for the Apollo kids' powers as I'm very interested in superhero powers myself

Finally, how old is everybody? What season are we in? I'm not sure if you did state in the beginning chapter that this is a chilly season, but you have to make sure that your statements concord. Whenever you make a statement about setting (place and time) the reader goes into wary mode. So determine the places and timing. And if it's chilly, every now and then mention some dead trees. But be careful not to overdescribe, as I say:

My Villain is tall and slender with black hair and dark red highlights. Her name is Vanessa. Her surname is unknown. She was born on the 22nd of September in a small hospital in Texas and her grandfather's name is Bob. Her CV/resume looks something like this: -Insert boring prose here

It might seem interesting because I made it funny... but it can be really boring.

I recommend you don't edit now, but rather read through this post again and note down whatever you understand. Don't do something you don't understand just because I said it... otherwise you won't do it well. Remember, editing comes later! Keep going strong and maybe you could edit what you have so far at the beginning of October so that you could release the fist draft of the half of the story on October 4th... in time with the Son of Neptune. I recommend you don't read the book before you've finished yours, if you do get the book so soon. Finish yours, read Son of Neptune and then edit yours. Keep going strong and great work (*LIKES... especially for how the ending brought everything together and how the chapter felt complete and yet not like the whole story was over*)

Sincerely,
TheNewHero

[b]Next, if I think your next chapter is what I think it's going to be, you've set Ryan up to encounter a monster and therefore to reveal something about him... maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. If I'm right and you're worried about being predictable... don't be. All stories are predictable. Romeo and Juliet starts out by telling us the two lovers will die! The point is that we have to want to find out how it happens and there's still some suspense. If you think your next chapter is too predictable, then explain it in the ending here. Tell us what's going to happen in the very next chapter before adding the twist in a mysterious fashion. If we're going to learn who he is then you might want to say that it's going to shock us. [/b]
*starts stuttering* But..I..how did you?..urg! *hangs head in defeat* Yes, you're right.

Oh and thank you so much for your guys' help! Your reviews are much appritiated.

Hey Dragonette! It's me again.

Mainly, I wish you could add even more sensory details to your story. For example, if you did, I would be able to picture the setting and parts of the camp better.
I like your characters so far. They're fun and lively. But, I think it would be great if you could add some more detailed descriptions of their expressions, emotions, reactions, etc. in the future. Then, everything would come to life more, I guess you can say. Do you get what I mean?

You're still doing an awesome job of blending in information about the characters and Camp Half-Blood smoothly, so that anyone can pretty much understand what's going on without reading the original series and so it's not boring learning all these details. None of the chapters so far have been boring and draggy; they've all been interesting to read.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work! Oh, and thanks for responding to my comment on your first chapter, and for clearing things up!

-Kae

Nice work Dragonett. This work is coming along nicely. The only thing that bugged me was this part:

All she ever did was tie her hair back into two braids and leave them like that until someone bugged her enough get clean.

I think something is missing, but I can't find it. Maybe you can when you read through it again. Other than that, I'm still enjoying your story.

Deathcurrent