Young Writers Society

He walked into the cockpit of his ship. He stepped up to his right-hand-man, a Weequay with a shot-up leg and a stubborn tone in his voice. “We are going to begin my plan to get my revenge, Ferbid.”
“How do you plan on doing that exactly?
“Mayecca Gone has two people who are very important to him. His wife and his daughter. We’ll be going after the more vulnerable of the two. For now, keep your eyes and ears on everything Mayecca does.”
“Got it.” He left Ferbid to his work, grinning maliciously at the thought of what he had planned.

The Jedi Knight stood in the cockpit, watching over her troopers and gazing out at the vastness of space. As Judy marveled the twinkling lights, one of her men, Bryce, came up behind her. “General, your uncle, Mayecca, is wanting to speak with you,” he informed. She nodded, “Thank you, Bryce. I’ll go talk to him.”
Judy left the bridge and went over to the holotable. An image of her uncle and close friend waited for her. “Hello Mayecca. How are you?”
“I wish I were contacting you under more pleasant conditions Judy. I am in need of your help.”
“What’s wrong?”
“As you can well imagine, my job gets me a few enemies. Now one of the Senators whom I had gotten fired, is threatening my family. I am asking that you look after your cousin until this whole thing blows over.”
“Are you sure about this? I might be called upon to fight a battle in which she might be put into even more trouble.”
“I can take care of myself and Analaya, but I can’t think of anyone else better than you to keep Judy safe. Please, I just want to protect my daughter.”
She thought over the situation, hoping to find a way to help. His niece smiled, “How can I say no?”
“Thank you. If we’re in your area, we should be able to drop her off.”
“I’ll send you the coordinates of our location. May the Force be with you, Mayecca.”
“May the Force be with you as well, Judy.” She shut off the holotable and studied a star chart of the area surrounding the Republic cruiser, DEVOTION.
“General, don’t you think this is a matter you should discuss with the Jedi Council?” inquired Bryce.
“No, I don’t think so. If my family is in trouble, I don’t feel that I have to ask permission to protect them.”
“Understandable. How do you plan on looking after your cousin and still get things about the war done?”
“I’m going to put four of my best troopers in charge of this special mission.”

Geo and Crossfire were walking down the halls with a new trooper who had recently joined Judy’s battalion. “How are you liking it here Nute?” Captain Geo asked.
“Liking it very much. My officers back on Kamino weren’t kidding when they said I’d be treated like part of the family.” Crossfire grinned, “Judy always tried to make us feel more like family than just some more clones. She’s a great general, but she’s a better friend. She cares about us.”
“I can tell. She takes time to give us our name. I felt truly honored when she named me after her father,” Nute added. Geo concurred, “Judy definitely tries to find a fitting name.” The captain’s comlink then went off.
“Ah. Speak of the general,” Crossfire laughed. He answered, “Yes General? What’s going on?”
“I want you, Crossfire, Starlighter, and Nute up in the hangar. I’ve got a special mission for you all.”
“Will do General.” As he got in touch with the medic, Crossfire and Nute started making their way to the hangar. “A ‘special mission’, huh?”
“This’ll be your first Nute?”
“Yeah. What does that normally entail?”
“Depends. Sometimes we’ll be trying to sneak through enemy lines or something like that about the war. Or, someone in her family is in trouble.”
Geo came jogging up behind them. “Starlighter is going to meet us there. So, let’s go.” Nute suggested, “Hey, race ya?” Crossfire and Geo took a glance at each other. They agreed, “You’re on.”
“You take your way, I’ll take mine. Ready?”
“Ready.”
“Set?”
“Set.”
“… Go!” The new trooper took off running down one hall while the other two went down the opposite hall. “We’re gonna smoke him,” Crossfire gloated. Geo told, “Normally, I’d say not to be so cocky. But he’s not even going in the right direction.”
They jumped over a pair of astromech droids who were coming from the hangar. “Excuse us,” Geo pardoned as he landed. “When do you think Nute will have to turn around?”
“If he hasn’t already, I’d say pretty soon.” They squeezed past a couple other troops who were on their way to the mess hall. “Whoa! Where’s the clankers, guys?” one of them laughed. Crossfire called, “We’re racing Nute to the hangar. Got to go.”
The clone captain and the artillery expert raced down another hall before spotting the door that led to the hangar. Geo opened the door and followed his brother towards the MIDNIGHT FLIGHT. “I think we beat him.”
But when they came up to their friend’s starship, they saw Nute sitting on a pile of crates, waiting for them. “Hey there. Not bad for a new guy, huh?” he smirked. They stammered, “Wha-? How’d you-? We thought-?”
“I slid down through the air vents. Much quicker than running through the halls. But, hey, at least you know that for next time.” His brothers laughed and congratulated him. Judy soon came walking up to them. “Hello men,” she greeted.
“Hello General.”
“Where’s Starlighter?” Explained Crossfire, “He got caught up in the med center. He’ll be here soon.”
“All right. Until then, I’ll tell you what is going on. My uncle, Mayecca, and my aunt, Analaya, are asking us for help. His job definitely gets him some enemies. Now, one of them is threatening him, Analaya, and his daughter, Judy.”
“Excuse me, General. You and your cousin have the same name?” Nute asked.
“Yes. Mayecca named her after me. Anyway, we have been asked to protect my cousin, so we will. I am entrusting you three, and Starlighter when he gets here, with this mission. Please don’t fail. Her life might be at risk depending on how dangerous Mayecca’s new enemy is. Got it?”
“Yes General,” they replied in unison.
“Good. Judy should be dropped off sometime soon. Until then, you guys are dismissed.” She walked into the FLIGHT to get in touch with her husband.
“Could someone explain to me who Judy’s aunt and uncle are? And who her cousin is?” Nute inquired. Crossfire inferred, “When Judy was nine years old, she was kidnapped by Garcaos Gone and his brother, Mayecca. She helped Mayecca stand up to Garcaos, and he helped her escape from his brother. A few years later, he married Narra’s sister, Analaya.”
“Narra, as in Gunray’s wife, Narra?”
“Exactly.” Geo continued, “But he didn’t become her uncle until Narra and Gunray got married.”
“What about her cousin?”
“Well, we don’t know as much about her. Mayecca found her on the streets of Coruscant when he was walking home from work. He brought her home to his wife and they agreed to keep her. When trying to come up with a name, he thought about Judy, and suggested her name. And that’s how the general and her cousin have the same name. And since she’s coming on the ship, we’ll find out more about her.”
“Sounds good to me. So far, the only concern I have, is, where is Starlighter? He’s supposed to be here.” Geo offered, “I’ll get him on his comlink and see where he is.”
He switched on his comlink and got in contact with the med trooper. “Hey Starlighter, you’re supposed to be here in the hangar with us. Where are you?”
“I’m pretty busy here in the medical center. But I’m finishing up real soon. I should be there in a couple of minutes.”
“All right. Well, Judy already told us about the mission. Her uncle has a new enemy, who is threatening his family. The four of us have been put in charge of protecting Judy’s cousin. Think you can do it?”
“Of course. You guys think you can?”
“Yeah. Because we showed up to know what the mission was about.”
“I would have come had I not been swamped down here. But, I’ll be there really soon. Okay?”
“Okay. See ya soon.”
“See ya.” Geo shut off his comlink.
“So, is Judy’s cousin a Neimoidian like the rest of her family, or-?” Nute wondered.
“No. She’s Human like Judy. It’s a little weird how alike those two are.”
“Yeah. They’re both Human girls, who were adopted by Neimoidians. And they have the same name. Little strange,” Crossfire said. “Maybe they’re more related than they think.”
“For some reason, I doubt it.” Then, the docking bay doors of the MIDNIGHT FLIGHT opened and Judy stepped out. “Mayecca’s ship just came out of hyperspace. Judy’ll be here soon.” The large hangar doors slid open, allowing a small Neimoidian shuttle to land inside the large cruiser. The shuttle stopped next to the FLIGHT.
The troopers stood up behind their friend, waiting for her cousin to come out of her father’s ship. “I thought Starlighter was going to be here by now,” the new guy whispered.
“We’ll fill him in when he gets here. Don’t worry.”
“I can’t help it. He’s supposed to be here, and he’s not here.”
“Man, Judy wasn’t kidding when she said you acted like the father of the group.” They stopped their conversation when the shuttle doors opened and a young woman came down the boarding ramp.
Long brown hair, almost as long as the Knight’s, ran down her back in a beautiful braid. She wore a light pink tunic, form-fitting to make her daily exercises simpler. Her sparkling brown eyes were complemented by her stunning smile. She ran up to her cousin and hugged her.
“Hey there. How are you?” the Jedi asked.
“I’m fine. But I’m really worried about Mom and Dad.”
“I know. I am too. But I am confident that Uncle Mayecca can take care of himself and Aunt Analaya very well.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she sighed. Judy turned and waved goodbye as her father’s shuttle left the hangar.
“Come on. I’d like you to meet four of my best troopers and close friends.” The Knight brought her cousin over to her troops. “This is our captain, Geo.”
“Hello.”
“Hello Ma’am.” Judy continued, “This is our weapons specialist, Crossfire.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“As well as you, Miss.”
“He is the newest addition to the team, Nute.”
“Achuta.”
“H’chu apenkee.”
“And our med pro should be here…” Starlighter came running into the hangar and up to his brothers. “Sorry I’m late General. I got caught up in the med center,” he explained. His friend excused, “It’s all right. I’d like you to meet someone. Judy, this is our med pro, Starlighter. Starlighter, this is my cousin, Judy.”
“Hello there.” He began to say hi back, until he took another look at her. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her eyes shined brighter than any star or any sun in the galaxy.
“H…hi.” Mayecca’s daughter giggled, making Starlighter smile goofily.
“Perhaps, so there’s no confusion between my cousin and me, you guys could call me by my middle name, Anamay.” Geo questioned, “May I ask how you came up with that?”
“Of course. It’s a fusion of my parents’ names. Analaya, and Mayecca. Anamay.”
“I think that’s a beautiful name,” the medic complimented.
“Thank you, Starlighter.” He smiled. “Would you guys mind explaining how you got your names?” Anamay wondered.
“Of course. I’m sure they would be happy to tell you. Geo?” Judy offered.
“Geography is a thing of mine. I know where our best location against the Separatists will be. And how we can use the terrain to our advantage. I’m a little more into geography than my brothers.”
“How fitting. I like it.”
“Thank you, Miss.”
“What about you, Crossfire?”
“Training accident. While these guys and a couple other of our brothers in this battalion were trying to hold off some of the training dummies, I led some other troops into the middle of the crossfire. A droid malfunctioned and whacked me pretty good a couple times. That’s how I got my name and this scar.” He showed her the X-shaped scar below his left eye.
“Wow. I definitely wouldn’t have thought of a better name.”
“Thank you.”
“Nute, how did you get your name?”
“Well, the general says that I am like the father of the group. So I was named after her father.”
“How are you like the father of the group?”
“I always make sure my brothers are doing what they’re supposed to, that they get the right foods to eat, and that they’re in bed when it’s Lights Out.”
“Ah, very fatherly. Nice to know that you really care about your brothers.”
“Much obliged Ma’am.”
“And Starlighter, very interesting name. Mind telling me the story?”
“Not at all. When the general and I first met, she looked into my eyes and said that they shined so bright, they could light up a star.”
“She wasn’t joking. No way you could miss that handsome sparkle.”
“Very appreciated Anamay. Thanks.”
“Who came up with your names?” Geo told, “Judy, Miss. She came up with all our names when she met us. We went by our numbers before that.”
“Well, I commend you, Cousin. On a perfect job done.” Anamay giggled.
“Thank you. Well, I must attend to some matters on the bridge. My friends are in charge of watching over you. If you need anything, you can go to them. But if you ever need me, just come find me. I won’t hesitate to help you. Okay?”
“Okay. Thank you, Judy.”
“Anytime. And guys, keep a watchful eye. You can not fail this mission. But I’m sure you’ll be all right. May the Force be with you.”
“As with you, General,” they concurrently returned. The Knight hugged her cousin, then left for the bridge. “Anamay, is there anything you would like for us to know about you?” Geo inquired. She thought over his question. “Um, there’s not much. I really like blumfruit. Mm… I like to read things from the archives. I’m pretty flexible.”
“How flexible?” Crossfire wondered. She brought her legs into a full standing split and put her foot behind her head. “Whoa. That is pretty flexible.”
“I do a lot more than that. I would show you, but as a personnel rule of mine, I don’t exercise on an empty stomach. Tried it once, and I ended up feeling very sick.”
“Well, if you’re hungry, we were planning on going to the mess hall,” Nute suggested. Anamay asked, “You wouldn’t mind if I joined you, would you?”
“Of course not. Come on.” He and Crossfire led her through the hangar. Geo was about to follow, when he noticed that Starlighter hadn’t moved. The medic stared dreamily in the direction Anamay had left in.
“Hey. You okay there Brother?”
“Huh? Oh, yes. I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. Come on, I’m starving.” They hurried to catch up with their brothers and new friend.
“What do you guys normally have for lunch?” the Jedi’s cousin questioned. Crossfire explained, “We usually decide when we get there. You’re not seriously allergic to anything, are you?”
“Not that I know of. I’m just not a huge fan of jogan fruit.”
“Really? Starlighter hates jogan fruit too. He prefers burrfruit.” She turned back to him. “Me too. And camby berries?”
“Yeah. Covered in chocolate?”
“Definitely. As long as it’s not-”
“Dark chocolate?”
“Exactly.” Nute, Crossfire, and Geo exchanged weirded-out glances. The clone captain laughed, “Seems like you two have a lot in common.”
“Well, it’s perfectly fine for two people to share common interests,” Nute noted. They walked into the mess hall, grabbed some lunch, and sat down near the door. Chewing on a piece of fried roba, Anamay asked, “What do you guys do for fun?”
“Normally, we try to best each other in short activities. Like a game on the holotable, or arm wrestling, or-”
“Racing each other to the hangar,” Nute grinned. Crossfire told, “We’ll get you next time, now that we know your trick.” Anamay giggled, “Competitive much?”
“Sometimes.”
“Anything else you guys do?”
“We have a really big library. And Starlighter found a place near our rooms where we can watch the hyperspace tunnel.”
“I love to watch the hyperspace tunnel. It’s beautiful.” The medic smiled, “It’s also a nice place to gaze at the stars.”
“Maybe we could stop by there sometime?” she hoped.
“I’d… love to take you.”
“Great. Perhaps sometime tomorrow?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Thank you. For now, I think I’ll go find Judy. Could one of you tell me how to get to the bridge?”
“Just go a bit farther down the hall til you come up to a lift. Take it all the way up. Should get you to the bridge.”
“Thanks Crossfire.” She got up and left to find her cousin. Geo mentioned, “I like her. She’s nice.”
“She is. She reminds me of Judy a little bit.”
“Yeah. What do you think of her, Starlighter?” His brother didn’t answer him. “Starlighter?” Geo shook him out of his daze.
“What? What did you say?”
“Are you okay? You’ve been kinda out of it all day.”
“I’m fine Geo. What would make you say that?”
“You stumbled a bit when you talked to Anamay,” Crossfire said.
“You were in a daze when we left the hangar.” Nute added, “And you kept ‘eating’ your blumfruit even after it was gone. We think something’s up, and we just want to know you’re all right.”
“I’m okay, promise. It’s just… can I talk to you guys about something?” Nute nodded, “Of course. What’s on your mind?”
“Well, I… I’m afraid to say.”
“Come on Starlighter. You can tell us. We’re all brothers. Whatever you say, it will stay between us four. Promise.” Geo assured. Starlighter sighed, “Okay. I think - I think I’m in love.”
“Ohhh..,” his brothers grinned. “Who’s the lucky lady, hmm?” He hesitated to reply. “You’ve already told us you’re in love. You kinda have to tell us who with now,” Crossfire urged.
“(sigh) Judy.”
“What? The general?” Nute disbelieved. Geo reminded, “You know she’s married Starlighter. To me.”
“No, not Judy. (groan) Anamay.”
“Ohhh..,” they said again. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
Starlighter shrugged.
“That would explain the dreamy look in your eyes you get every time you see her.”
“Is it obvious?”
“Not at first glance,” Nute mentioned. Crossfire added, “You know, I have a feeling that she likes you too.”
“Really? I don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t.” Geo smiled, “Well, maybe you could find out, because I’m doing you a favor.”
“Why do I feel worried about this?”
“Don’t be. I’m thinking, that one of us should guard Anamay at all times. Mainly so nothing happens to her if she goes wondering around the cruiser. Starlighter, I’m assigning that job to you.”
“You are?”
“Yep. You’ll be with her 24/7. But you can’t mess this up. If something goes wrong, I will have to do something that you won’t like. Understand?”
“Completely. Thanks Geo.”
“You’re welcome.”
“And we want you to remember something Starlighter,” Crossfire noted. Nute continued, “You’re a really good guy.” His brothers concurrently told, “The good guy, always gets the girl.”
“(chuckle) Thank you, guys.”

I honestly like it. But I'm certainly eager to see what others think of it so far.

Heya Judy.

Normally I don't review fanfic, and since I'm not that familiar with Star Wars, I'll just focus on the literary conventions you've used here.

Firstly, your beginning. It's rather confusing. You introduce multiple characters and events without giving the reader time to absorb them all. It would help a lot if you put a scene break (Some sort of mark, like ~ or * or - or <>) so it's absolutely clear we're changing PoVs [point of view] at the beginning. A lot of confusion could be solved by that simple action.

As for the content, I find it just a bit bland. Sure you introduce everything we need to be aware of (bad guy, evil sidekick, good guys, all by name), but you don't answer a rather critical question: Why should we care?

That question is the most important question in writing a novel, and if you can't answer it at any point in the story, not just the beginning, then it's time to go back to the drawing board.

The trick about honestly answering "why should we care?" is to forget about the rest of the plot. You can probably answer that question with any sort of future event because by then everything will become clear. But readers don't know your plot. They are looking at a massive reading list and wondering what to go through next— they're not going to spend the amount of time it takes to the good stuff. They want the good stuff right now. So the question should really be, "Why should they care right now?"

Take, for example, your mention of "Mayecca." What's he done to deserve revenge? What sort of opinion is held of him by the current PoV character? Is he a good guy, or bad guy? Remember, you're fighting against the traditional model of introducing the protagonist first, not the antagonist. And right now, you have zero indication that the introduction is the bad guy. Good guys can want revenge, too.

I'd suggest you take a look at this article on beginnings and polish it up so we have reason to get past the first page (to be blunt, I didn't get that far, for the above and reasons I'll outline later). Toss in some conflict, some interest, some description, some emotion.

Next, and the main reason I stopped reading, was your lack of tags. Tags provide description for dialogue, and come in two flavours: "Action tags" and "said tags". Said tags usually involve a verb that is or can be swapped out with "said." They directly describe the tone of voice. Action tags are the ones that describe a character's body language, and what they're doing when they're talking.

There's a distinct lack of both in your writing.

As outlined in this article, talking heads can lead to some rather dull prose. While I love the words between quotation marks, making them realistic, and carrying a story that way, I love the words outside the quotation marks more. A character's body language is a fantastic way of showing their personality, their mood, their history (Pressing a "hot" button for them would make their reactions different from somebody who didn't have that button), and their reactions to events. In short: them.

Try going through all your dialogue and adding at least one tag to each. It could be a said tag, it could be an action tag. Because of how devoid of description your piece is, I'd suggest action tags to get to know your characters better. If you don't know how a character would react to any given event, then you don't know your characters enough. Reactions include body language. Adding this in will also keep your straight dialogue from getting boring, as it is now.

There's also the lack of description in here, which is really hurting the story. Even though this has an established setting, don't be afraid to re-establish it. The article I linked should help you figure out the basics. There's also how description can help add emotion, which is outlined in this article.

Overall, you have an interesting idea, but it's rather skeleton like right now. You're missing the "why" in the beginning, and a little description could go a long way. The links I've provided should help you get you started in polishing up this story. It takes a lot of practice to get the techniques down, but once you do, stories become a lot more fleshed out and alive.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Rosey points out very good points, Judy. Just remember that us reviewers are here to make you improve. So you can truly blossom in your works. I know of Star Wars so I understand quite a bit. However I do know you need to add emotions to them...to explain why this is happening and how did it come about a bit more for those who haven't seen Star Wars. I'm not good with grammar so I can't help you there but I think this idea is wonderful. You just need to revise it some more <3. Just know that we aren't here to make you hurt or sad we are here to help you improve. You have potential as do all writers. We just want to see you use that potential to grow and become a great story teller ^^. If you ever need me to talk to just send a PM and I'll reply when I can. With love, Soulkana.
May you receive many helpful reviews.