Young Writers Society

Story has been deleted and purged and stuff. If you REALLY wanted to read this, though, look for it on ff.net...

Once upon a time, an angry and hateful man named Jono joined the X Men. He was angry and hateful toward himself, but then he met a beautiful prince –the Prince of Thieves. Jono and the prince found comfort in each other and became fast friends. When the Prince of Thieves stole the Jono’s heart, it was okay, because the prince’s heart had been stolen in return.

Me like this part a lot

Your story is very interesting. You should split it in few chapters, though. I am a fan of xmen all the time. Great job!

I dont usually like slashes but this one was good! I love Xmen!

Yo Scratch! Too bad you're not on my team this time.

“Hey Gumbo.,”

There should only be one punctuation mark here. I would go with the period, since you're not leading up to anything else immediately following this phrase.

Aaaannnnd that last part was worded rather horribly, my apologies. I can clarify if you want, otherwise I'll leave it as-is. :p

Don’t worry! He’ll get over it!

It might be better if you replaced that first exclamation point with a comma instead. There will still be an exclamation point at the end of the phrase/sentence, but you won't have two in a row (which can be slightly overwhelming/childlike ).

He looked up and scowled at Bobby Drake, //Sod off,//

Hm. Never seen this style of conveying telepathy before. I would think that you only only need one backslash, but that's just me. However, you do need to change that last comma to a period. If you were to follow it up with "he thought at the intruder." or something to that effect, you could leave the comma, but as it stands now you need a period.

(Hopefully, by this point I've conveyed what I messily tried to say earlier. :3)

Any normal person would have had a whole burning through their heads,

Hole, not whole.

Now this was getting weird,

Period.

Remy could feel fury directed toward him from two corridors away. As Jono appeared, stomping towards him, Remy felt vaguely nervous for his life.
Jono walked up to Remy until he was only a foot away.
“…Jono?” Remy said uncertainly.

Sooooo much repetition. Can you see how often you say the character's names? Mix it up. Use "the boy", "the man", "he", etc, etc, etc. Get as creative as you can. It makes your piece more interesting to read.

I don't think the guys are in character. This is a trap many people (including myself, in my fantasy worlds that I never write down) fall into when they want a certain character to fall in love with a certain someone. I literally had to read narnialover's review before I realized it was even an X-men fic--partially because I didn't pay attention, and partially because I didn't recognize the characters. I thought it was original fiction with similar names.

Not a slash fan, but I didn't realize it was slash 'till I was about halfway through my review (I didn't read it first, I'm reading it as I'm reviewing it) so that's my problem. :p

And I don't want anything I said to be discouraging to you. You should keep writing the way you want to write. (There's the technical stuff, but everyone has to learn that. )

Also, I've used more in this review than I think I've used in the last month on the site. I'm sorry.

OH MY GOD! I never knew Gambit was bi-sexual! Or that Bobby Drake was gay. Bear in mind, I have not seen X-Men in a while. And there is a slight possibility that you just made him gay. As fireheartedkaratepup said, not everyone is the biggest fan of slashes, but this one is my favourite slashes ever! And slashes are 2nd on my list of art forms I don't like. After musicals. But enough of me going on about what I don't like. This was a really good piece of work. Apart from a few typos, nothing was wrong with it. My favourite bit was this one:

The Brit didn’t move.
Suddenly, he whirled around, making an odd sound.
“Jono!” Gambit exclaimed, reaching out and grabbing Jono’s arm.
//Let go,// Jono said thickly.
If Jono was crying, Jubilee was going to throttle Gambit. She started to crouch, ready to spring.
“Non, Jono… I’m sorry if--”
//I like yer, Remy, I do… It’s not that…//
“Den, why, cher?”
//I don’t have a mouth!// Jono burst out, turning around, //If yer want ter be with me, yer won’t even be able ter kiss me!//
Gambit gently pulled Jono closer, “Ain’t a problem,” he whispered, putting his arms around Jono.
//I –I can’t –I’m not worth it, Remy-// Jono sniffed.
“Y’r wort’ it t’ me, cher,” Gambit replied.
Jubilee sank back into the shadows as Jono cried softly.

It may seem like a long section, but Jono and Remy's first kiss is so cute! Anyway, other than the odd mistake, punctuation and grammar is good. You should also try and mix it up a bit. Instead of just using their first names, use a bit more pronouns. Other than that, everything was great! That was a happy ending to a beautiful story. I cannot wait to read more of your work!