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I'm Erica Carrie Chambers Auguste. I was 15 when I became an immortal. My sister, Isabell Elena Chambers Auguste, is an immortal too (Maybe re-word this to: "My sister, Isabell Elena Chambers Auguste is also an immortal.. We have been immortal (Don't repeat the word so much. You could put, "We have been this way for..." instead of repeating.) for 150 years & counting. We've been immortaled(The readers are most likely sick of this word now. :/ ) by a gentleman/our new brother named, Damen Dolan Auguste. This is how it all was started. Back in England, my sister & I were rich land owners. Our sister Alyson Faith Chambers, a beautiful blonde hair(ed,) green eyed girl who want(ed) to explore the world at age 19. (Run on sentence) was married to,(unneeded comma) the queens oldest son; Edward Myers. We were 15 & 16 then. Damen was a good friend of our family, he was around us alot. One day he heard there was a bad sickness going around. He told Isabell & I to drink a tea he had made himself.
"I'm not drinking that.(The comma isn't needed here. Add a period." Isabell said demandingly (Not a good choice of words. How about: "Isabell said defiantly."), "I'm not.I don't trust you." I looked at her,(Another comma that doesn't need to be placed here) as she glared at Damen. (Also, her reaction to wanting Isabell to drink the tea throws everybody off. Did you not say that Damen was a good friend of the family? You should explain what he did to lose her trust...)
"I will," I said(say) as I pushed(push) my chair back & walked(walk) toward Damen. "I will because he's right about a lot(You should use the word many. A lot is too simple a word to be used in the time era that this takes place from. 'Of' is not needed here. --->) of things," I say, taking his hand & holding it tightly. Isabell looked at me as if I were crazy, her red lips pressed together like they do when she starts to think hard about something. (Run on sentence. "Her red lips pressed tightly together, a habit she has whenever she thinks hard of something," would be better.
"Fine. I'll drink you're red tea which you so profoundly think will keep us well" she said (Avoid saying 'said' too many times) as she took the last sip of her green tea. She stood up, pushed her dark brown hair out of her face, then took Damen's other hand.
"We have to hurry though," he said, looking stright ahead."It may came(come) this afternoon." We rushed out to a carriage. Damen took the rains & we rushed away. We stopped at a large home he lived in. A gigantic stone three story high home with a tower on the back corner of the house. (Explain this more. I can barely visualize it.)
"Oh my god, this is all yours."I say, looking at Damen when he is tieing the horses. He pushed his black hair back & smiled noding his head. I look at Isabell who has walked up beside me, while she smoothed down her lilac gown that flowed ever so beautifuly in the gentle winds. He walked us in, guiding us to some guest rooms.
"Why will we be needing guest rooms?" Isabell ask(ed), gazing at beautiful pantings of Damen.
"The illness may stick around so your parents ask(ed) me to make sure nothing happens to you two. They were not sure how fast it would come to the town so you two will be staying at Hotel de Damen," he said as we followed behind. He took Isabell to a room decorated in black, off white, & peach. He ushered me to an elegant room filled with crimson, maroon, & gold furniture. I went to the closet to find that it was filled with Marie Antonette gowns. One was a black corset gown trimed in marron & gold.The bed had a blanket on top that was black, maroon roses, & a gold vine desine all over.
"Supper will be served at 7. See you then." He smiled at me.
I nod and say, "See you then." I turn around right after I say it. I picked out a white gown, gold trim, & 3/4 sleeves. My hair in a sufistacated (Sophisticated) updo, but not as sophisticated as Maries. Isabell wore a royal blue gown, sliver floral desine all over. Her dark hair was down with a sliver pin in it.
"Wow you two look ravashing," he says while fixing his hair. I look at Isabell who is now blushing. I take Damen's hand, gently glide across the floor, &sit down in the chair he had pulled out. He walked back over toward me, his black eyes gaze into my green ones.
"May I?" he says softly, still gazing at me.
"I would be honored," I say the same way Alyson does to Edward. I walk beside him as he leads the way. (Didn't she just sit down? And what was he asking permission for?)
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