This is a great story, I have to say. I wasn't necessarily checking for grammatical errors more than I was reading to see how compelling the story is, and I have to say, it was very enjoyable to read, especially being that of a Gorillaz fan myself. I think you very accurately portrayed Murdoc in this story, and I certainly look forward to more. I might also re-read and check for any other errors, but from what I've read, it's good to go. Good work, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.
Hey, Thanks for requesting review. I generally point out grammatical errors. First thing I noticed though was towards the end you don't have a line of space between your dialogue for example:
Yours looks like this:
I love you. I love you too. Really, great! Lets get married.
It should look like this because it's easier to read:
I love you.
I love you too.
Really, great!
Lets get married.
Make sense?
Anywho, on to the meat of your review:
2D had gotten on his nerves, so that had set him in a foul mood (he had actually gotten up relatively contented, for once).
I don't think the use of parenthesis is right here, so try to make that its own sentence instead of forcing it into parenthesis.
So he lay on his alcohol-stained bed,
Try to keep from switching tenses it confuses your readers. Lay is a present tense verb, but later on you use the verb was which is a past tense verb.
two hours sleep was adequate.
This would sound better if you put the word of after hours
With all the details in the beginning I felt a little bored. Your readers do have an imagination; let them use it a little. Overall it was ok. I can't quite put my finger on what needs work, but maybe that's because I don't know what you are writing you fanfiction about. Keep up the good work. If you have any questions or need another review just ask!
Have a great day, Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith
Hey i loved the story you have really good description, the only thing i noticed was that twice in the story you wrote that Murdoc "Was amused by her boldness" Try to switch it up a little. Other then that it was great, i'm looking forward to a sequel!
Gender:
Points: 1040
Reviews: 2