Young Writers Society

Chapter Two: Runaways

The bus station was practically empty when Emily arrived. A mother and son sat together, the boy wheeling a toy truck up and down the arm rests; on the opposite side of the waiting room a short-haired girl sat alone. When Emily entered the waiting room the girl snapped her head up with a scared expression on her face, jumping as though she was expecting somebody to burst in and take her away. Emily supposed she was running too, thought she looked few years younger than herself; maybe about twelve?

Emily raised her head to see what bus was leaving next. The next bus was headed for a place called Anansie. That sounded as good a place as any; she bought herself a ticket, seated herself and waited.

Ten minutes later the bus arrived, Emily, the mother and son, and the young girl climbed aboard the bus silently, displayed their tickets and took their seats among the scattered passengers aboard the bus.

Not long after they had settled themselves the bus heaved its way out the station. Emily gazed out the window and saw a girl running along the sidewalk chasing the bus. Emily couldn’t hear her over the roar of the engine but saw her mouth what looked like the word “wait”, and another word Emily couldn’t make out. Any other day she would have asked the driver to stop, but today she had to remain inconspicuous; so she stayed quiet as the bus pulled away from the station and the girl faded into the distance.

The young girl from the waiting room was sat in front of Emily, and she watched as the girl glanced back at the disappearing girl in the distance, a tear rolling down her face.

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The bus drove for a steady three hours before pulling into Anansie Station. They had arrived.

Emily left the bus with her satchel slung over her shoulder, the high noon sun glared in her eyes, making her squint as she took in her surroundings. Opposite the bus depot was a gas station, to the right the road led on down a hill to Anansie Town. Apart from that, all that surrounded them was desert.

As Emily tilted her head left she was surprised to see the girl from the bus stood next to her.

“Hello,” Emily surprised herself by saying. The girl looked surprised too as she jumped slightly.

“Hi.”

“I’m Emily,”

“I’m Br... Briony?” the girl replied bemusedly.

“Briony? Look, I’m guessing that’s a fake name because you’re running away from someone or something, but I’m running too. I don’t know where to go or what to do and... I just figured we could... maybe, run together?” Again, Emily had surprised herself. She was never usually so blunt and she certainly hadn’t meant to tell the first person she met that she was a runaway.

The girl trained her green eyes on Emily’s, and Emily wondered whether or not to live up to her runaway title and start running towards Anansie and away from the girl, as soon as possible.

“Brooklynn,” the girl interrupted Emily’s thoughts. “My name is Brooklynn. I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m doing, but I do know I’m not like you.”

“What?”

“I’m not running from anywhere, I’m running to somewhere,” as she uttered the word ‘somewhere’ her eyes gazed into the distance and her eyes misted over slightly as if she had retreated somewhere in her mind, playing out a movie on the back of her retinas for only her to see.

“Somewhere, where?”

Brooklynn blinked but continued to focus into the distance. “I don’t know. Somewhere with bright lights and loud music. New Orleans or Vegas? I only had enough money for a one-way ticket to here, so I figured I would just go, try to get a job somehow and save up until I can make it,” Brooklynn paused and turned to look at Emily’s face. “What are you going to do?”

I'm not the biggest celebrater of fan-fiction but seeing as I haven't seen the film I'm going to review solely on grammer and overall feel. Hope that's okay!

Luvzi12 wrote:Chapter Two: Runaways

The bus station was practically empty when Emily arrived. A mother and son sat together, the boy wheeling a toy truck up and down the arm rests; on the opposite side of the waiting room a short-haired girl sat alone. When Emily entered the waiting room Ignore me if this seems silly but considering as I haven't read the first chapter that will be true of some of my future comments too. You have just said she is at a bus station and now a waiting room? Perhaps it would be good to have some indication of her getting on or off the bus? the girl snapped her head up with a scared expression on her face, jumping as though she was expecting somebody to burst in and take her away. Why is the girl there too? Emily supposed she was running too, thought she looked few years younger than herself; maybe about twelve?
Okay, I've got completely confused with the bus station and the waiting room... where is she?
Oh no, I get it! I don't tend to associate buses with having waiting rooms, just shelters. For me, a train station is more likely to have one. That might just be where I'm from though...
Emily raised her head to see what bus was leaving next. The next bus was headed for a place called Anansie. That sounded as good a place as any; she bought herself a ticket, seated herself and waited.

Ten minutes later the bus arrived, Emily, the mother and son, and the young girl climbed aboard the bus silently, displayed their tickets and took their seats among the scattered passengers aboard the bus.

Not long after they had settled themselves the bus heaved its way out the station. Emily gazed out the window and saw a girl running along the sidewalk chasing the bus. Emily couldn’t hear her over the roar of the engine but saw her mouth what looked like the word “wait”, and another word Emily couldn’t make out. Try not to repeat her name too much. Any other day she would have asked the driver to stop, but today she had to remain inconspicuous; so she stayed quiet as the bus pulled away from the station and the girl faded into the distance.

The young girl from the waiting room was sat in front of Emily, and she watched as the girl glanced back at the disappearing girl in the distance, a tear rolling down her face.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bus drove for a steady three hours before pulling into Anansie Station. They had arrived.

Emily left the bus with her satchel slung over her shoulder, the high noon sun glared in her eyes, making her squint as she took in her surroundings. Opposite the bus depot was a gas station, to the right the road led on down a hill to Anansie Town. Apart from that, all that surrounded them was desert.

As Emily tilted her head left she was surprised to see the girl from the bus stood next to her.

“Hello,” Emily surprised herself by saying. The girl looked surprised too as she jumped slightly.

“Hi.”

“I’m Emily,”

“I’m Br... Briony?” the girl replied bemusedly.

“Briony? Look, I’m guessing that’s a fake name because you’re running away from someone or something, but I’m running too. I don’t know where to go or what to do and... I just figured we could... maybe, run together?” Again, Emily had surprised herself. She was never usually so blunt and she certainly hadn’t meant to tell the first person she met that she was a runaway.

The girl trained her green eyes on Emily’s, and Emily wondered whether or not to live up to her runaway title and start running towards Anansie and away from the girl, as soon as possible.

“Brooklynn,” the girl interrupted Emily’s thoughts. “My name is Brooklynn. I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m doing, but I do know I’m not like you.”

“What?”

“I’m not running from anywhere, I’m running to somewhere,” as she uttered the word ‘somewhere’ her eyes gazed into the distance and her eyes misted over slightly as if she had retreated somewhere in her mind, playing out a movie on the back of her retinas for only her to see.

“Somewhere, where?”

Brooklynn blinked but continued to focus into the distance. “I don’t know. Somewhere with bright lights and loud music. New Orleans or Vegas? I only had enough money for a one-way ticket to here, so I figured I would just go, try to get a job somehow and save up until I can make it,” Brooklynn paused and turned to look at Emily’s face. “What are you going to do?”

I don't have a lot of grammer issues really, none that can't be overlooked anyway. The one thing I will say however is that this chapter didn't have a lot of substance; it was obviously a big turning point for the character but it just appears in a list-like from until the end. Try to make the beginning live up to the standard that you reach later on
Happy writing

Hey thanks for the review!

"Ignore me if this seems silly but considering as I haven't read the first chapter that will be true of some of my future comments too. You have just said she is at a bus station and now a waiting room? Perhaps it would be good to have some indication of her getting on or off the bus? "

Ah, sorry! In England the entire bus station is like a waiting room (at least the one where I live is) so it's just sort of the same thing, I'll change it, thanks.

"Try not to repeat her name too much."
Thanks, I know this is one of my major flaws in writing- I'll try to tone it down.

"Try to make the beginning live up to the standard that you reach later on"
Good point, I haven't really gotten inside the character's head in the beginning. I guess I was concentrating to much on things like "hmm... what to call the station?" than the actual writing and feel of the piece. I'll definitely work on it!

Thanks so much for the review

Hullo there. To be honest I am not at all a fan of fan fiction. But yours I really loved. I have yet to see the film but your interpretation made me want to watch it more. It makes more sense to have a kind of backstory information that you provided here. I like your style of writing and your first chapter caught my heart in my mouth. Please keep writing more of this. I really loved it.