z

Young Writers Society


It Wasn't Supposed to End This Way (Chapter Eight)



User avatar
73 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2721
Reviews: 73
Fri Apr 08, 2011 12:54 am
Confused.pirate says...



“You’re not fulfilling your orders, Silenda,” a cold, smooth voiced hissed in my ear.

“I’m doing the best I can, master,” I stood silently in the center of a dark room with my eyes down, trying to avoid the Dark Lord’s menacing gaze. “It’s difficult because I’m not friends with him, and I’m in a different grade. I transferred classes to be in his, I’ll do my best to give you a report.”

“Excuses to matter, you must give me a frequent report every two weeks,” he ordered callously.

I shivered and responded, “The first round of the Tri Wizard Tournament is coming in two weeks, and I’ll for sure have information to you by then.”

The Dark Lord swooped to my level and I lifted my eyes to meet with his piercing stare. It made my bones chatter with fear. “If you do not have a report to me by the first round of the tournament, you will be punished.”

After his threat, he explained about what Harry will be doing during the first round of the tournament. One of his other spies within Hogwarts informed him about the contestants retrieving a golden egg guarded by a fierce dragon. I didn’t know who his other spy was, but this was probably for the better.

“Yes, master. It will be done,” I bowed. As I lifted my head back up the floor lifted from underneath me, and I flew into a vast sea of dark nothingness.

My eyes shot open. I was back in the Hufflepuff dormitory, breathing heavily. I kicked my black and yellow sheets off and grabbed my diary from under my bed. I didn’t have to worry about other people reading my encounters with the Dark Lord and complications with Cedric, for the diary was a gift from my grandparents when I was a little girl. It only opens with my fingerprint.

I began to fiercely scribble the events in this dream, which wasn’t exactly a dream. I had been having these meetings and threats from the Dark Lord a little more frequently now, for I wasn’t giving him a sufficient amount of information to satisfy his craving for Harry Potter. He was growing weaker by the second, and was beginning to rely on Wormtail to try and find the missing Death Eaters. Most of his followers believed he was dead, and my parents were one of the very few who had stayed loyal since the night the Potters were killed. I was kind of just roped into this whole predicament. I didn’t know whether or not I truly was a follower of the Dark Lord because it was the only life I knew. My parents were Death Eaters, so I assumed that was where I belonged as well. However, the more I was taught at Hogwarts, the more I began to question my faith to him.

I scrawled the last few sentences in my diary and looked at my clock. It was already six. Usually I’d be getting ready in a half an hour to be in the Great Hall eating breakfast with Gia at around seven, then heading to my first class. However, it was Saturday, the day I had to go to Hogsmeade with Malfoy.

The day I was supposed to be hanging with Cedric.

A small pain grew in my chest from this thought, but I shook it off when I recalled my most recent dream with the Dark Lord. Malfoy was in Harry’s grade, he had to have at least some information I could use to loosen the Dark Lord’s grip. If I didn’t give him any new information soon, I had a feeling he was going to imprint me the dark mark, which would be extremely difficult to hide from my friends, especially Gia.

I slowly slugged over to my mirror and began brushing my hair, thinking about how the meeting with Malfoy was going to go. How on earth am I supposed to get information from him without blowing my cover? Was I allowed to blow my cover? His family is a part of the death eaters…. After a few minutes of prepping for the day, I decided to go to the Great Hall early on my own and eat breakfast. I quickly jot down a note for Gia, letting her know I was already in the Great Hall, and left.

As I was walking down the hallway, I noticed Hermione walking by herself, book in hand. She seemed to be madly flipping through pages with a serious look of concentration on her face.

I hurriedly caught up and started to walk with her, “Hey, watcha reading?”

Hermione jumped slightly and then sighed with relief when she discovered it was just me, “Oh hey Trista. I’m just researching spells.” Her voice dropped to a low whisper, “Harry found out about the first challenge. It involves dragons!”

Of course, I knew this already from the Dark Lord, but I acted surprised anyway, “No way! That’s super dangerous. What’s he going to do?”

Hermione shrugged, “Not sure yet. We’re not even sure what he has to do with the dragons yet. But Hagrid told Harry he’d find out about the challenge in greater detail and report back to him later.” She paused and looked around for a moment.

Confused, I questioned, “Something wrong?”

“Oh, nothing,” She replied. “I usually see you with…Gia, right?”

“Ah, yes, that’s her name,” I responded, a little confused. Then again, I was with her all the time.

Hermione continued, “She’s your best friend right? Nothing…”

“Yeah, wait, what else?” I asked, puzzled.

“Never mind,” she quickly closed the topic and went back to her book. “There are too many spells to choose from! He could have to do ANYTHING! I wonder what the other champions are thinking. I can ask Krum, Fleur’s a lost cause, and Cedric…” She whipped her head up and looked at me. My stomach dropped at the mention of his name.

“You’re in Hufflepuff! I see you with Cedric sometimes, could you talk to him for me?”

I swallowed. I still hadn’t talked to Cedric since our last encounter in the Great Hall, and the thought of talking to him made me more than nervous. However, I couldn’t just say no to Hermione for such a simple task, so with a smile I said, “Sure, I’ll see what I can do.”

“Great!” she replied cheerily. We continued walking together, chatting about possible spells or tasks the four champions would have to take on. When we got to the Great Hall, we paused for a moment to examine for possible seats. There weren’t too many people eating breakfast, but Hermione saw Harry and Ron at the Gryffindor table. Perfect, just what I need. Oh crap…

Right before I began to walk over to the Gryffindor table, I saw Cedric at Hufflepuff. For once, he was alone. I paused and contemplated which seat I should take. Hermione noticed my change in thoughts and asked, “What’s wrong?”

She followed my gaze and said, “Ahh, Cedric. Go ahead! Sit with him! I’ll see you in potions anyway.” With a pat on the shoulder she left to join Harry and Ron. After a few more moments of contemplation, I decided to sit with Cedric. I felt like our last meeting was not a good way to end things, and I didn’t want him to think I was done with our friendship.

I quietly made my way to his table and sat down in front of him. He looked up with a surprised expression on his face and a mouthful of pancakes in his mouth, “Oomph.”

I giggled, “What was that?”

“I meant,” he swallowed, “Good morning.”

“Ah of course you did,” I joked and began to fill my plate with eggs and bacon. “Sorry about the other day, I really wish I could have gone with you today.”

Cedric shrugged, “Nah, don’t worry about it. I understand. So who’s this important person that could POSSIBLY be more important than me?” He joked.

“Oh shush, it’s just…” I paused and thought for a moment. I had to make this sound convincingly casual. “…a partner project for Herbology.”

“Oh good ol’ Herbology,” Cedric finished the rest of his plate and took a gulp of orange juice to finish. “Do you think maybe we could hang out afterwards? How long should this meeting take?”

Wonderful question. “Uh…Honestly I don’t know.” Because it doesn’t exist…

“Well, if you have the time, try and find me. I’m usually easy to find.”

I smiled, “Okay, sounds fantastic.”

Just as we were getting up and ready to out of the Great Hall, my favorite person popped out of nowhere to ruin my life.

“Hey, can’t wait for our date.” Malfoy put a mocking emphasis on the last word. Shoot, out of all the words to choose from in front of Cedric, you said date. Idiotic git.

“Date?” Cedric turned to me confused.

“No no, he means ‘study date’ don’t worry about that. You know how he is…” I fidgeted and tried to sound convincing once again. I hated lying so much to him.

“Okay…” he said warily. “Well, I better go meet up with the guys. See you later.”
I watched him walk away, and with him, my confidence. This couldn’t possibly go well.
"The differences in life are what create the challenges which open the door to discovery."
  





User avatar
85 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1464
Reviews: 85
Sun May 01, 2011 1:16 am
Eniarrol says...



Hello, it’s been a while since I've reviewed your novel and today is review day soooo yeah!

First of all I really liked the imagery in this piece that makes it easy to feel like you really are Trista and not just the reader which is really good. Also, I like that you are making the little "bumps" along the way in your story which give it conflict and make the reader want to read on.

But, what's missing here is kind-of-a big conflict. Maybe you could bring it in in the next chapter. The order of events in Novels are:
1. Perfectly content with his/her situation
2. Something makes then totally of balance with a situation where there are no good choices.
3. The act of making a choice
4. Reaction to choice

This list is only from memory but you could see more at post853384.html#p853384 which is the tip topic I made for sequence of events :)

Another nit-pick is how near the start you (The MC) say that being branded with the dark mark would be a punishment.
If I didn’t give him any new information soon, I had a feeling he was going to imprint me the dark mark, which would be extremely difficult to hide from my friends, especially Gia.

If you read the Harry Potter books carefully you shall see that the werewolf dude (Greyback I think it is?) wasn't branded with the dark mark because he was not in honour of the Dark Lord enough to have it. So, being branded with the dark mark should be an honour not punishment. Just a little confused here :)

Also, with Hermione feeling perfectly fine asking Trista about the Twiwizard Tournament and telling her about the dragons seems, I don't know, a little un-believable. I just don't really think that Hermione would tell someone that unless they were real close. Correct me if I have over looked something but I don't think they are good friends, are they?

Overall:

I really like the concept and feel of this piece but some bits just made me question it a bit. Pm if you have any questions or comments on the review :D
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Tue May 24, 2011 4:10 pm
mareandfoal says...



I love your story, I think it's a really good and I can't wait to see how it's going to turn out.
"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
Smith, Logan Pearsall
  





User avatar
115 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6915
Reviews: 115
Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:41 am
LittlePrincess says...



As always, I'm here to review but this time in honor of review day :) I look forward to reading more of your story.

“I’m doing the best I can, master,”
Personally, I think My Lord is more authentic but that's just me. However, if you want to keep master then I think you should capitalize it.
I like the scene with Voldy. :)

he explained about what Harry will be doing during the first round of the tournament. One of his other spies within Hogwarts informed him about the contestants retrieving a golden egg
Both "about"s can be taken out, the second should be replaced with a that.

Wonderful question. “Uh…Honestly I don’t know.” Because it doesn’t exist…

Sorry but, uh, what doesn't exist?

I like really love your story! It's more than just a fanfiction, thats for sure, and I love how you work everything in and make it so interesting. Malfoy was such a twist, too. It's great! And I love the budding friendship with Hermoine. Keep up the good work :) I'll be back for more.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince
  








I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47