Young Writers Society

I woke up the next morning to the sound of other girls preparing for the day. As I started to put on my robes, I remembered last night after dinner. I had successfully managed to avoid making any new friends…but Gia was going to be hard to get rid of. She was a gabber, that’s for sure. Whenever she asked me a question her eyes just stared all wide and intense. It was a little too much to handle.

Then there was that Cedric boy…No Trista, don’t think about him. He’ll only get you into trouble. Remember, stick to the plan. Stay in the shadows. Right, I reminded myself. I needed to stick to the plan. Find Harry Potter.

I quickly scurried down the stairs and through the common room, hopefully able to avoid any curious bystanders on the way to breakfast. I was secretly praying that Gia was still asleep, and that I could just catch a glimpse of Cedric at breakfast. Sure, I wasn’t planning on becoming friends with him, but there’s nothing wrong with looking from afar in my alone corner. Wow, I sound pretty pathetic. I caught myself thinking. But it’s what’s right, and what needs to be done in order to successfully help the Dark Lord.

After all, if I didn’t give him information soon, he would kill me. That’s not exactly the plan I had in mind for my first year in public school.

I successfully made it down the hall without any accidental encounters and quickly sat at the end of the Hufflepuff table for a few eggs and pancakes. It wasn’t until I started eating did I discover I was famished. As I was shoving a large piece of pancake in my mouth I heard, “TRISTA THERE YOU ARE!!”

I nearly choked on my pancakes when I heard her shrill, perky voice: “OH MY GOSH I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!”

I grabbed my pumpkin juice as I continued to cough; nodding to make sure Gia knew I noticed her presence. Pretty impossible to miss her.

“Oh my are you okay? Where have you been? Okay, anyway, what class do you have first? We HAVE to have something!” She took her usual spot in front of me and began to grab a variety of breakfast foods: juicy strawberries, golden toast, and fluffy scrambled eggs. It made me even hungrier and I began to devour my own plate. I looked up and noticed those big brown eyes glaring at me, waiting intently for me to answer her question, “Uh…right…first class…let me check.”

I turned around to grab my handbag with my books and schedule. Unfortunately my clumsy self decided I couldn’t handle grabbing a stupid schedule from a bag, and my belongings flew all over the Great Hall floor.

“Damn it,” I cursed and got up from my seat to clean up the mess. I began to shuffle through my papers and supplies and Gia got up to help. Just as we were finishing with the mess, I heard a deep voice from behind me.

“Is everything okay here?”

I spun around and saw a tall man with a smile playing on the corners of his lips, but with a slightly concerned look in his eyes.

“I…we’re…yeah we’re fine,” I managed to cough. Wow Trista. Smart reply. Maybe you can be so awkward it’ll scare him away and you’ll never have to worry about him ruining your plan.

“Okay,” he smiled sweetly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before, I’m Cedric.” He extended his hand out to mine and I returned the gesture.

“Trista, I’m new,” Wow. I’m new. There’s a clever response. Nevermind, I’ll bore him to death.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he replied with a small grin. Wow, his smile is really cute…STOP IT, TRISTA.

Cedric looked down and noticed a flyaway paper on the floor near his feet. He picked it up and quickly scanned the writing, “Ah, Potions for first. Good luck with Snape, he’s a prick.”

He handed me the pesky little schedule as I heard a small cough from behind. I turned around and noticed Gia standing quietly, with a peculiar look in her eyes. I had totally forgotten she was there.

Cedric cleared his throat and announced, “Ah, well, I better be going…looks like I interrupted something. I’ll see you during third.” He winked and walked down the long, polished aisle way between the oak tables. Please, interrupt more often.

“Well,” Gia sighed. “That was a little surprise. Cedric’s never found alone these days.”

“Pardon?” I questioned as we both took our seats at our table once more.

She took a sip of pumpkin juice, “Cedric’s extremely popular, always with someone. You gotta be popular to even think about hanging with him. Notice how he pretty much ignored me? He’s cute, but has kind of a big head.”

“Oh,” Hearing this news was probably the best. I couldn’t waste my time with someone popular if I wanted to remain a nobody. It would ruin pretty much everything.

We both finished our plates and got up to leave. As we started to walk through the entryway to the almost-empty hallway, I snuck a peek back in the Great Hall, pretending to flick something off of my robes. My eyes locked with the same deep browns as last night, and I quickly turned away before he could suspect anything.

Too popular. Stick to the plan. He’s just trouble.

Thought I kept telling this to myself, I couldn’t help but think about him throughout the entire potions period.

This was going to be a problem.

Hey there! I'm SporkPunk and I'll be reviewing this today.

Grammar, Spelling, and Beyond
Okay, so I only noticed a few errors. I'll show you an example of each, and you can find the rest. xD

As I started to put on my robes, I remembered last night after dinner.

Here, you want a comma after robes and before I because it's modifying "I remembered last night after dinner."

After all, if I don’t give him information soon, he will kill me.

What's with the random tense change? You should make this past tense, just like the rest of your piece.

“OH MY GOSH I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!”

This is really picky of me, but you can accomplish the same intensity with italics, which look a lot better than all-caps. But I understand if you keep the caps, because, if I remember correctly, that's in the style of Rowling, right?

STOP IT, TRISTA

Since "Trista" is modifying who needs to stop it, there needs to be a comma.

isle

I think you mean, "aisle?" Because "isle" is an island. This is basically a testament to the limitations of spell-checker.

Okay, I think that's it. Mostly your issues tend to be comma-related, though they're not consistent, so my only suggestion will be better proofreading. And not relying only on spell-checker.

Story line?
Well, I haven't read Chapter One, but this seems to be a really decent fan-fiction start. Most fanfics (that I've bothered to read) usually have to do with a self-insert Mary Sue (Or Gary-Stu) falling in looooooooooooooooooove with the main character. So you've done well by not making Potter the object of her affections. Also, most fanfic protagonists tend to be "goody-goody," or "anti-goody-goody" if you know what I mean. This character seems to be more real, more human. I like this. Keep up the good work.

Keep Writing!
Sporky

Wow! There are a lot of parts up. I probably won't get to them all today but I'd like to read them at some point.
Something I meant to say in the other post but I forgot - your MC is fifteen but if Cedric is here then I assume it's the fourth book meaning Harry is fourteen. That's not a problem I just want to make sure you are aware of that.
Nitpicks again;

sound of other girls preparing for the day

What does that sound like. Show, don't tell.
What's the light like? What does it look like outside the window. Hogwarts leaves lots of room for description. Description isn't totally required here - though, just an idea.

and what needs to be done in order to successfully help the Dark Lord.

And how does that make her feel? Is she blindly obedient to him? Does she have conflicted views?

After all, if I don’t give him information soon, he will kill me.

Again, what does she think? She seems kind of nonchalant at the prospect of being killed. Does it make her nervous? Does it make her skin crawl? Does she wish it was different?

This part was good, too. So much conflict with Cedric, I like it. I don't have anything else to say really but your story is moving along nicely. Where's Harry Potter? Okay, I probably won't get to Part Three today but maybe Monday. Bye!

Thanks guys I finally got around to making those quick changes to make it better. Thank you so much!