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The Spirit Vampire - Chapter Four



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Thu May 27, 2010 11:46 pm
austenite says...



Pulling my little black car into Charlie's driveway, I saw that only Bella was home, the obscure police car that Charlie insisted on driving everywhere not in its usual spot.

I grabbed the pizza boxes off the passenger seat, locking the car behind me with the little electronic device. Unlike most of the people in this town, I had an appreciation of good cars. Not just good cars, great cars. Unfortunately, my life savings (accumulated from numerous after school jobs) only covered me for a second hand Peugeot I managed to get cheap from Seattle.

Now the Cullens - they were people who appreciated good cars....

"Pizza?" I called through the house, peering around for Bella. She came thundering down the stairs, book in hand.
"Brilliant. I'm starving," she said, looking around the kitchen for plates, still a little unfamiliar with the layout.
"Top left-hand cupboard," I directed.

I put the boxes on the table, opening them. The smell of pizza wafted through the room. I grabbed a plate and napkin, putting three pieces of Supreme onto the plate.
"Hold on, I left my mobile upstairs," I lied, racing up the stairs with my plate. I entered my bedroom, leaving the pizza on the napkin.
"Urgh," I said, wiping the traces of Supreme on my jeans, oil stains appearing as dark round spots against the faded denim. I stood looking around my room a bit longer, pretending to look for the phone.

"Is this it?" I heard Bella yell.

I ran back downstairs. "Oh yeah, that's it," I smiled nervously. Bella was looking at me strangely, but she didn't say anything. I took the silence as an escape route.
"So how was your first day?" I asked, hoisting myself onto the bench, reaching over to grab a slice of Pepperoni. She was quiet for a moment. Chewing a piece of pizza off, I could almost see the mechanics of her brain working to find the perfect answer.
"It was alright. People were nice to me." Her brow furrowed, as if remembering something. "Well, almost everyone."

I raised my eyebrows. "Almost everyone?"

"Well, I mean, all the girls were nice, like Jessica –" she paused mid sentence, seeing my screwed up face.
"She talks too much," I answered.
"The others on her table were nice too," Bella counteracted.

"It seems like the guys like you too – I mean, the way Yorkie and Crowley were going on about you in Spanish, you'd think you were Helen of Troy or someone. No offense," I said, feeling my cheeks burn red at the sarcastic comment.
"None taken. And not all the guys like me." The same sour look came across her face.

"Let me guess. Name starts with an E. Has crazy hair. Drives a silver Volvo," I supplied with an amused smile.
"How'd you know?" Bella looked embarrassed.
"Bella," I started. "Every female student in the school knows who Edward Cullen is. And practically the entire female population of Forks is drooling over him."
"Oh." Bella bit off another slice of the pizza. She was sitting on of the table chairs, one leg crossed over the other, her free leg swinging lazily. Did I hint a bit of disappointment in her voice?

"None of them have had any luck though," I added.
Bella looked at me. "What do you mean?"
"Well…Cullen keeps to himself. All the Cullen's keep to themselves, but Edward's the only single one. The others are…together."
Bella nodded. "Jessica was saying something like that at lunch time."
There was another pause, less awkward this time. We both had pizza shoved in our mouths.

"So do like Edward?" Bella asked.
"Cullen? God no!" I laughed.
"I thought you said that the entire female population was in love with Edward?" Bella asked, confused.
"Practically the entire population. All except one." I pointed to myself for an emphasis on this. There was no way I wanted to be mistaken as liking Cullen.
"But he's so…" Bella trailed off.
"Gorgeous?" I supplied. "So utterly beautiful that every night Hercules has a good cry?"
"So that's why it rains so much here," Bella joked.
I laughed. "Pretty much."
"So you said that Cullen doesn't like you. What'd you?" It was my turn to ask the questions.

"Nothing!" Bella moaned. "I didn't do anything. I walked into Biology, looked up, and he was there, glaring at me. And guess where the only available seat was?"
Ouch.
"So I sit down next to him," Bella continued, "And he's holding on the desk, sitting as far away from me as possible. Just glaring at me. It was horrible."
"I bet. Cullen's an ass anyway. Don't worry about it. Now Mike…" I trailed off, laughing at Bella's horrified look.

"Bells? Ally?" Charlie was home. "Do I smell pizza again?" He walked through, hanging up his gun and jacket as he did so.
"Hi Charlie," I mumbled, talking through my mouth. "Pizza?" I grinned. I couldn't cook, and Charlie had a tendency to burn things. So pizza was usually the best option.
"Hey Dad," Bella said, kissing Charlie on the cheek. I turned away, feeling a knot form in my stomach.
Suddenly it was cold, and I felt myself calm down, the knot loosening.
"How was school?" He directed the question to both of us. I rolled my eyes as Bella replied.
"Good."
"Bella's got a boyfriend already," I jested. Charlie raised his eyebrows as Bella's pale skin turned the colour of a tomato.
"Mike Newton." I answered Charlie's question before it left his mouth. Out of the corner of my mind, I saw Bella relax slightly.
Charlie did as well. "Mike Newton? His parents own the sporting goods store in town." Approval dripped in his voice.
"Dad, I am not going out with Mike Newton. He was just nice to me, that's all," Bella assured her father, shooting glares at me.

I grinned, taking the stairs two at time. In my room, I picked up the empty napkin and threw it into the bin.
"Urgh, Edward Cullen? Not my type at all." I mumbled out loud. Laughter filled the room. Not my laughter.

"Whatever," replied the musical voice.
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde
  





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Mon May 31, 2010 7:48 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



I have to ask, I mean, you obviously can write, your writing style isn't bad, and you have the potential to be a good writer, but why? Why Twilight? Why jump on the fangirl bandwangon? Why not put your talent to good use and create your own ideas?

I think that your MC is going after Jacob, right? Or something. . . regardless, I believe that you should redirect your writing skills elsewhere. Just by having Twilight as the basis of your novel limits the range of people who will be reading your work.

To be honest, I actually clicked on your link, because I laughed at the synopsis and read it out loud to my friends who also giggled to themselves.

Don't do this to yourself :P You are actually a decent writer, and I just think that you should write something entirely original.

*shrugs*

But that's my opinion.
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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Wed Jun 29, 2011 1:02 am
AlphaGirl01 says...



I know I'm a bit late on reviewing this, but I just happened to venture upon it and I think it's pretty good. I've seen a couple of grammatical mistakes, but otherwise, I like the plot so far. If there's anymore, I want to read it. I don't know if this helped at all, but I really think you should keep writing more of this. There is only one mistake I caught in this chapter and that was when Ally asked Bella what she did to make Edward mad. Otherwise, I like where this is going. I've already said that, but I don't care. Keep going. :-)
Sometimes two people fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 5:12 am
sunwater says...



austenite wrote:Pulling my little black car into Charlie's driveway, I saw that only Bella was home, the obscure police car that Charlie insisted on driving everywhere not in its usual spot.


Was it not red befor or did I miss somthing.
  








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