Young Writers Society

I'm actually getting really into this fanfic stuff. I've never tried it before, and it's nice to be working from another idea. I'm gonna go all out with this Bioshock piece, I think. If you missed Chapter 1, here's the link, however considering only a few people did read ch. 1, I'll suspect that nobody new is going to be reading. Aw well. Still seems like I should do it anyways, just in case.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic58064.html
Oh, and thanks very much, Matt and Midnight, for commenting. I'm currently trying to rewrite a lot of that first chapter for more of the detail, and I tried to do a little more visual detail in this one. Hope you enjoy!


Chapter 2

Once Sander and I left the frozen tunnel, he showed me to a staircase that led to the center a gigantic ballroom-like room. Purple spotlights lit up the entire room, and two glass containers were under the end of the stairs. There was some blood on the floor, and it wasn’t too clean, and on both floors, some smaller doorways led to the rest of Fort Frolic’s shops and galleries.

Also, it wasn’t anyone else here that I knew of aside from Sander and myself. It was somewhat pleasant. I could picture people wanting to live in this city just for this area.

“Tell me, do you consider yourself an artist in any way?” asked Sander.

“I do a bit of drawing here and there”, I told him. I was being pretty modest. I had books full of sketches and drawings back home, but I didn’t want to get too close to anybody here. Don’t get me wrong, Sander was being pretty kind, and he saved my life a few moments ago, but I don’t completely know why.

“Then you’re more welcome than any of those other splicers here in Rapture”, he said, sounding disgusted at the word “splicers”.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“All the people in this city nowadays are myself, the man who made this place, my artist apprentices, a scientist or two, and you. Anything else with a brain is either a splicer, or-“. Sander was cut off by a loud metal stomping noise.

“Speak of the devil”, he said. “How much do you know about this place, anyways?”

“Just that it was made and had some scientific breakthrough that wasn’t brought up to the rest of the world”

“And you don’t know what that is?”

“No”

“Good. Come, let me show you”, he said, walking over to a doorway left of the staircase.

Between three slot machines and some vending machine contraption was something stranger than anything I’ve ever seen; some sort of titanic man in a titanic metal diving suit. He had a drill on one of his arms, and an oversized helmet. He wouldn’t seem as strange to me if his eyes weren’t a yellowish green, or if there wasn’t any blood on his suit.

Then from behind him came someone else; a little girl, no older than eight or nine years old. Her eyes were large and yellow, and had a bit of a greener skin tone than an average human should have. In her hands were a teddy bear, and a type of syringe-one in the shape of a sort of gun, with a vial full of red liquid attached to the end.

“That little girl is a Little Sister. She’s living proof of what Adam could do”, explained Sander. He paused as the Little Sister started humming and leaned down onto a dead body, taking out more red liquid from it using the syringe.

“The thing with her is a big daddy. Not much to explain other than that they are attracted to the Adam, and want to protect the little sisters to get it”

“What exactly is Adam?” I asked.

“Some type of genetic liquid that can rewrite the genetic code”, he answered. “Just poke it into you with a needle, and you’ve got some sort of super power, or you’re resistant to a disease, or even can change your appearance. I wish I could say more, but I’m an artist, not a scientist”

Sander started walking back to the ballroom. I followed him.

“How do you live down here?” I asked. It really didn’t seem as specific as I thought.

“Here in Fort Frolic? Easy. Me and my apprentices use our arts to spend the time, plenty of food down here because the splicers don’t need to eat, and of course, the splicers in our way are fun to hunt sometimes”

“Why didn’t you…hunt…me?” I asked him nervously.

“You’re not some crazed splicer and have a concuss mind. You have no reason to be hunted”, he said calmly.

“So…do you have any of these…Adam powers?

“Plasmids are their name…and yes”

With that, Sander disappeared in a dim pink light and some flower pedals. I looked around, and he reappeared the same way he disappeared, but behind me.

“A little teleportation power, nothing much. Oh, right”, he said, as he snapped his fingers and lit a flame on his thumb.

“That’s amazing”, I said. I’d never seen a thing like that.

“Yeah, it’s a nice sort of thing. Problem is, too much of that Adam stuff makes you go mad. Thus, splicers, those Adam sucking murderers”, he said, disgusted again by the word “splicers”.

“Do you think that I could have some of these powers?”, I asked. Nobody I know would deny cool super powers, so why should I?

“I suppose you need to defend yourself”, he said.

“Come with me, and you may take your pick”, he said. He started going up the staircase. I followed him, of course. He went into a doorway left of the one we came in from, and there was another vending machine; this one was pink with a statue of a little sister on the right side. A bunch of glass bottles with different colored liquids were on display.

I looked at their descriptions. One of them said “Winter Blast”, which I think that the ice guy, Finnegan, had. Another one said “Electro Bolt”. But one got my eye fastest; “Sonic Boom”. It’s description said “Blow back foes with a wave of your hand”. I hit the button on the machine and a syringe came out from the slot in the bottom. It was a white liquid, and it had a blue apple sticker on it.

“One more thing”, Sander said, surprising me a bit. “Once you inject this, you need to inject another liquid called “Eve”. It’s a blue liquid that I’m sure will be abundant everywhere, and is available in those circus-looking vending machines. No eve, no power. Here, take one of mine. Just be careful; you don’t want to use all of it quickly. Don’t want to become one of those fucked up splicers, do you?”

Sander pulled a blue syringe out of his blazer pocket and handed it to me. I put it into my pocket and held my breath.

“Do I need to hit a vein?”

“It get’s there sooner or later. Be careful though; that stuff’s a kick the first time”

I held my breath and put the needle into my upper-left arm. It hurt like hell, and injecting it was worse. I fell down unconsciously on the ground.

“You’ll be fine. See you when you wake up”, said Sander. I blacked out right afterwards.

Why, hello thar. I am Light_Devil and I shall be your reviewer today. I haven't read your previous chapter, however, I rather dislike it when I post chapters and they are never read, because of the fact that are chapters.

Now, I shall begin!

Once Sander and I left the frozen tunnel, he showed me to a staircase that led to the center of a gigantic ballroom-like room.

Missed a small word, in red. And also You have "ballroom-like room". It's kind of painful to read. Try to find another word for room.

Purple spotlights lit up the entire room, and two glass containers were under the end of the stairs.

"Were" is a telling word. "Sat" is a showing word. I want you to show me this, not tell me.

There was some blood on the floor, and it wasn’t too clean, and on both floors, some smaller doorways led to the rest of Fort Frolic’s shops and galleries.

The blood wasn't too clean, or was it the floor?

Also, there wasn’t anyone else here that I knew of, aside from Sander and myself. It was somewhat pleasant. I could picture people wanting to live in this city just for this area.

Fixed up a little.

Don’t get me wrong, Sander was being pretty kind, and he saved my life a few moments ago, but I don’t completely know why.

"Know why" sounds a little childish for this character. I think "understood as to why" would flow considerably better.

“Then you’re more welcome than any of those other splicers here in Rapture”, he said, sounding disgusted at the word “splicers”.

Your comma seems to have hopped over one more space than it needs to be.

“Anything else with a brain is either a splicer, or-." Sander was cut off by a loud metal stomping noise.

A speech mark appeared somewhere else.

“Just that it was made and had some scientific breakthrough that wasn’t brought up to the rest of the world.”

Don't forget the basics, like a full stop.

“No.”

Same here.

“Good. Come, let me show you”, he said, walking over to a doorway left of the staircase.

Hmm, you appear to be confused as to how a spoken part should be structured.

I say, "It would be like this."

Or:

"It would be like this," I say.

Or:

"I would be like this," I say, pause and then continue, "Or like above this or even the one above that."

It depends on the way you write it.

In her hands was a teddy bear, and a type of syringe-one in the shape of a sort of gun, with a vial full of red liquid attached to the end.

--

“That little girl is a Little Sister. She’s living proof of what Adam could do,” explained Sander.

“The thing with her is a Big Daddy. Not much to explain other than that they are attracted to the Adam, and want to protect the little sisters to get it.”

Fixed.

“Some type of genetic liquid that can rewrite the genetic code," he answered.
“Just poke it into you with a needle, and you’ve got some sort of super power, or you’re resistant to a disease, or even can change your appearance. I wish I could say more, but I’m an artist, not a scientist.”

---

“Me and my apprentices use our arts to spend the time, plenty of food down here because the splicers don’t need to eat, and of course, the splicers in our way are fun to hunt sometimes.”

Don't forget fullstops! XD

“Why didn’t you… hunt… me?” I asked him nervously.

“You’re not some crazed splicer and have a concuss mind. You have no reason to be hunted,” he said calmly.

If you're are going to have ellipsis, remember to leave a space, (like I added). Also, "have a concuss mind" - I don't know what this is referring to, but I think it is either the wrong tense or missing a word.

“So… do you have any of these… Adam powers?

“Plasmids are their name… and yes.”

Fixed this up a tad bit.

With that, Sander disappeared in a dim pink light and some flower petals. I looked around, and he reappeared the same way he disappeared, but behind me.

Sentence in red - what? I understand this, but it makes no sense. Please reword. You wrote "pedals" as in the things you push on a bike to move it, I'm sure you meant "petals" - as in the petals of a flower.

“A little teleportation power, nothing much. Oh, right," he said, as he snapped his fingers and lit a flame on his thumb.

Last time. I'm not fixing speech again. I think you would've got the gist of it, by now.

“Yeah, it’s a nice sort of thing. Problem is, too much of that Adam stuff makes you go mad. Thus, splicers, those Adam sucking murderers”, he said, disgusted again by the word “splicers”.

Ignoring the speech marks, you used the word "disgusted" again. Find a synonym and replace it.

“It'll get there sooner or later. Be careful though; that stuff’s a kick the first time”

Fixed up a little mix-up.

I fell down unconsciously on the ground.

“You’ll be fine. See you when you wake up”, said Sander. I blacked out right afterwards.

Uh-huh. Your character effectively fainted twice. "Falling down unconsciously" and "blacked out" are basically the same thing. I think you need to change the "unconsciously" in the first sentence.

Overall:

I think this is a good story. I have yet to see any sort of attitude in your character, though I suppose that will come with time. I, having only seen the game being played, can't entirely tell you if you're right with all the references in this, but I do like this anyway. This is a really interesting fan-fiction - usually you only see fanfics for books or movies, but I like this. You need to learn how to make proper speech and I think perhaps you should try to expand your vocabulary.

Hoped this helped,

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.