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Warriors: Moonhigh Chapter 1 Part 1



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Wed Dec 23, 2009 12:18 am
cheez_burger says...



Kittypets weren't respected by the Clans. We were often scared away, chased out, maybe the occasional wound or two from a vicious, bloodthirsty cat. My brother, Mason (preferably called Jango) and I were born to our mother, Flower, in a Twoleg den just beside the Forest. We'd heard stories about the cats living there. Cats who caught their own prey, cats who would claw off any kittypets fur who stepped more than a whisker-length into their territory, cats who used bones to pick their teeth...cats who wouldn't even give up a mouse tail for what happened to rouges or kittypets. Unfortunately, we all had to find out the hard way where the borders were marked. It all started the day my brother died...the day i ran away, not knowing of what lay ahead...not knowing of what a dark future i had in front of me.

Jango and I were sitting on the shimmering mesh fence that the housefolk had put up to keep the rabbits out of there garden. Shadow, one of the neighboring cats, had been roaming around the Twolegplace, obviously up to no good. Jango and I then made a bet to see who could catch a piece of prey first. We'd been looking around the yards, trying to find a nice, plump vole and be back on the fence the fastest. I had been looking by the Lake, trying to find one, when Shadow appeared with Jango from under a bramble bush. Jango was holding a vole in his jaws. Fox dung! I thought. "I heard you like to make bets", Shadow rasped. "Yeah", I mewed, "Why?" "Well how about I make a bet with you two myself?" Shadow growled. Now, I was a very competative cat, and I would take any bait I could bite, but this one had a nasty hook attatched under it. "Go on", I mewed cautiously. "I'll bet you this here vole that you can't go into that forest and catch a squirrel. Jango and I exchanged glances, then we both raced toward the forest.

My paws skimmed the soft grass and what I felt under them slowly moved to a slightly rougher forest floor. Jango and I split up and went opposite directions. I wandered past shrubs and ferns, opening my jaws to let the scent flood in. And then, Ther it is! The scent of a squirrel overcame my mouth and nose, and not long after, I spotted it! The little thing was gnawing on a nut. I slowly approached it keeping flat on the ground. I was wiggling my rump, just about to take the winning leap when, suddenly, I heard an awful, blood-curdling shriek. The squirrel shot right up a tree while I raced toward the direction the yowl came from. While I was running, I realized that this was the direction Jango had run!

When I came upon the horrific sight, I almost shot right out into the clearing, but I hid under a Holly bush instead. I saw a tortiseshell tom and a tabby tom tossing my brother around like a jingle-ball! i growled under my breath. When teh tabby pinned Jango, I leapt out into the clearing, but it was to late. The tabby had already sunk his teeth into Jango's neck, his pelt becoming scarlet and sticky with blood...

TO BE CONTINUED...
The Best way to see the future is to create it.If you want to be happy, be.
Life if not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
  





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Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:33 pm
Hawkie says...



Hi! I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today. I love Warriors. :)

Kittypets weren't respected by the Clans.


Anyone who's read the books knows this already, so it's not necessary to say it.

"I heard you like to make bets", Shadow rasped. "Yeah", I mewed, "Why?" "Well how about I make a bet with you two myself?" Shadow growled. Now, I was a very competative cat, and I would take any bait I could bite, but this one had a nasty hook attatched under it. "Go on", I mewed cautiously. "I'll bet you this here vole that you can't go into that forest and catch a squirrel.


When a new person starts talking, you need to move the dialogue onto a new line, otherwise it becomes impossible to read. So:

"I heard you like to make bets," Shadow rasped.
"Yeah," I mewed, "Why?"


Etc.

You have quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes, but they're nothing a spell check and a read-through won't catch. The main thing I noticed is that you "tell" a lot, instead of "showing." Showing vs. telling is very crucial in writing; usually, the more showing you use, the better. Here's the difference between the two:

Telling: I was a very competitive cat.
Showing: I leapt up at the challenge, my fur bristling with eagerness. "Of course I'll take the bet!" I meowed.

You see how the "showing" makes the same point, but doesn't actually lay it out bare? That's good writing. You can tell me your cat is competitive, but if you show him being competitive I'll be more inclined to believe you.

That's all for now. Keep writing!

-Hawks-
  





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Tue Jan 05, 2010 4:22 pm
Stori says...



A tortiseshell tom and a tabby tom were throwing Jango around like a jingle-ball!


I just noticed this. As far as I know, tortiseshell cats are usually female. Mrrrow!
  








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