Young Writers Society

*I just can't get this chapter to work for me V_V Please leave reviews. I need help >_>*




Chapter 1
Flowers blooming in the shadows

A small box, decorated in shiny blue gift-wrap and a pink bow, sat alone on the coffee table. Sitting on a couch in front of it, a young girl with pearl white skin and snow-white hair, stared at it. A small smile formed across her face from cheek to cheek, as her marble pink eyes glistened. “Edward, you didn’t have to get me anything you know.” She pointed out.

Looking over across the apartment’s living room, she saw a tall broad man enter. His black sleek hair, shined slightly in the lighted room. Small stubs of five o’clock shadow stretched down from his cheeks to his neck.
Scratching the back of his head, Edward sighed. “I know. But well… You only turn seventeen once Din.” His voice was ruff, but kind.

Edward had always been kind to Din, but he wasn't the most straightforward or most talkative. Being a man of few words, he had a hard time expressing feelings. But because of this, Din didn't mind. She enjoyed the fact that he also didn't feel the urge to force for to talk to him. Rather, Din enjoyed just being with him.
Sighing, Din grabbed the box and opened it. Inside was a video game box. On in was written ‘Assassin’s Creed’.

“Thanks Edward.” Her voice was quiet.
She wasn’t very found of electronics, or childish games, but because he had gone the trouble to get it Din was happy. Holding the game in her hands, Din gave a small blush. She knew that Edward wasn’t very comfortable around lots of people, and that he chose to avoid large crowds. The only reason they lived it a large city like Tokyo was because of his employers.

Walking over to the TV, Din looked around trying to find something. “Erm…Edward. Do you even have an X-box 360?”
He nodded slightly. “Yeah. I got it last night.”
Edward pointed to the new white game system that seemed to appear from nowhere. It seemed to sparkle among the stereo systems and stacked movies. Seeing it, Din asked. “Did you order it online?”
Edward rubbed his muscular arm he wore a long sleeved black shirt. “Yeah. I had to pick it up at a store though.”

Scratching her nose, Din knelt beside it. “Thanks, Edward.”
Wow, he got a game system too? These are really expensive. He went through so much trouble for me.
She put the disk in the game system, and grabbed the controller. Edward took his black jacket from the coat rack and put it on. He held the apartment keys in his grasp. “Just to let you know. I expect you not to neglect your exercises.” He noted.

Nodding gently, she agreed. “ I promise I won’t.”
Opening the apartment door, Edward glanced back. He wanted to look at Din one more time. “Alright, well I’m heading out for work.”

Din slowly glimpsed at him. She knew what he meant. “Please be careful Edward.” Her tone was worrisome and somewhat afraid.
Giving a small grin, Edward approached Din, patting her on the head and comforted her. “Don’t worry. I’ll return, just like I always do.”

Turning away, Din closed her eyes. “I know, but I will never feel better until I go to ‘work’ with you.”
His grin faded. “I understand, but you’re not ready to deal with the difficult things of my ‘job’.”
Din frowned and smacked his hand away. “No you don’t understand. I can be strong enough to kill someone.”
Grabbing black fingerless gloves from his pocket, Edward slipped them on. “Din, I-”
Pointing to the analog clock on the wall beside the door, Din mumbled, “You better hurry Edward, or your employers will get mad again for being late.”

He remained silent, not knowing what to say. Edward had found this girl broken at the sight of her parent’s dead corpses. A little defenseless eight-year-old girl wanted to die, because everything had been taken form her. A great sense of pity and grief had made Edward save her, but his duty as an ex-teacher had made him take her in as his student. Rubbing the back of his neck, Edward headed to the door. “I hope you enjoy your gift.” He waved goodbye.

The door made a small click as it locked shut. Turning her head, Din stared at the closed door. Hearing the sound of the game, she turned back to the TV. The main menu appeared and she gripped the controller tightly. “Hurray! I can’t wait!” She forced out.

At least I can enjoy playing this, while I wait for him to return. Every time Edward would leave for a job, Din would worry. She couldn't bare loosing the only person she could ever trust.

KABOOM!

The sudden sound of thunder, made her look out the window. A thunderstorm.
Getting up from her chair Din examined the scene outside and above the apartment window. Huge black clouds hovered in the sky blocking the sun, and bright flashes of lighting scattered from cloud to cloud. Din looked down at the city below. Hussling with swarms of cars and people, she had become used to the over populated city of Tokyo Japan. Though she wasn’t very fluent in Japanese, Edward was teaching her it. One of his many lessons said that being fluent in every language creates a more inefficient assassin. A few seconds passed, and Din finally returned to her seat. Holding the controller in her hand, Din pressed the start button and watched the TV screen show the loading screen.

I wish I could prove to Edward how skilled I am as an Assassin. Then I could stay by his side always. He treats me like such a child, saying ‘I’m too young to soil my hands with blood yet’. I’ll prove to him one day, I’ll become an even greater assassin than he is.

The light from a lightning strike poured through the uncovered windows, and the lamp turned off. Din continued to stare into the screen. Strangely, the TV screen still had the loading screen. How can the TV and X-box still be on?

Waiting a bit, the loading screen remained the same. She began to click the button on her controller, but nothing happened. The X-box must be broken.
A loud crack of thunder shook the building, and Din glanced at her controller. The light on the X-box controller changed from its normal green to a bright golden color. A strange sound, like that of a loud screeching siren, erupted from the X-box, making Din cover her ears. What’s happening?

A black smoke began to engulf Din’s vision, making her scream. Then when her vision was completely black, and she was devoured by the darkness.
The door clicked and opened. Edward reentered the apartment. “Sorry Din I forgot to grab my-“ He stopped, noticing she was gone.
“Din? Where are you?” He asked.
He looked at the X-box, and it was off.

Ok then, so I wanna start by pointing out a couple of small errors I noticed as I read, most of which can be cured with a simple spoken proof read of the piece before submission.

One minuet I was home and the next I was here

Typo in the word "minute".

Looks like I’m not in Edwards Living room anymore.

Firstly, you need an apostraphe before the s in Edward, and secondly, you need to indicate more clearly that she is thinking, because otherwise it seems that it simply switched into present tense. You should probably put either ' or " before it, perhaps in italics, and end it with something like "I thought".

Anyway, those aside, you said that you wanted a little help to make you feel this piece. I think the main problem is that the way it is written seems very lineal, you know, he did this, and then she did that, and he then did this. You need to improve the flow and perhaps spruce up the vocab to push up the interest factor of it while reading.

Another problem here is that after somebody has spoken, you will never indicate who is speaking with much further beyond a simple "he/she said". Occasionally you have another, but it's always just another word replacing said. You must be more creative with these. Also, I think you need a little more introduction about the charecters. All I really know from reading that is that Din and Edward are close freinds. The audience need more detail in order to connect with them. Also, as with some other areas, you need to make the dialouge more fun and interesting. When Edward gave Din the game, it was almost as if she were passing her a salt shaker, there is very little feeling in there.

In a nutshell, what this piece needs is a proof read, add detail on the intro and generally make everything more lively and interesting. Also, try not to rush it. If it were me writing this, I would seperate this into two longer chapters. The first about Din and Edward, getting to know them, and the second about her in the 12th century. Anyway, I look forwards to seeing improvments and more chapters in the future.

ok ^_^ I'm going to separate the chapters. Thanks for the help! >_<

Now that was much, much better. It really engaged the reader, and thank you for a little more background on them. Things are still mysterious, and yet we know enough to get by on, which was good. Anyway, once again I noticed one or two typos, but I don't really see the need to point them out, so please pm be a link to the next part