Young Writers Society

Here’s the third chapter! I hope you enjoy!

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Chapter 3

Emily and Denise couldn’t get to sleep that night. “Denise? Why do you think the captain was so worried about that storm?” Emily asked.
“I don’t know, but it can’t be good,” Denise replied. “I mean…if it was just a normal storm why would he keep the second half of the call to the American Headquarters from us?”
“I don’t know, that’s what I’m trying to figure out…” Suddenly, the ship began to rumble and tumble.
“What the-” Emily muttered before she fell out of her bed.
“What’s going on?” Denise raised her voice, and they began to tumble around the room.
“Come on!” Emily called and grabbed Denise’s hand. She pulled her towards the door and they dashed into the hallway, trying to keep hold.
“Captain!” Denise kept calling. “Captain Kirk! What’s going on?” suddenly they fell on to the ground, the wind being knocked out of them.
“Ouch…”Emily gasped and then quickly stood up again, making sure she could stand. “Denise, we have to run quickly, we can get to the bridge.”
Denise nodded and clutched Emily’s hand. The girls ran down the hall, being thrust against the walls, but finally they made it. “Captain! What’s going on?”
“I don’t know! Checkoff! Give me a full status report!” Captain Kirk yelled.
“I don know what iz wong!” Checkoff cried. “All systms don!” he cried, and then, the lights switched off.
“Dang it!” Captain Kirk slammed his fists down on the control board.
“Captain! Outside!” Ahura yelled and that was when they saw it. A storm. It was gray and black, and looked like a black hole, but…there was something different about it.
“Oh crap!” Captain Kirk muttered. “We have to get away from that thing, whatever it is.”
“No! Captain!” Spok had suddenly appeared. “We need to go into the hole.”
“What? Spok are you crazy?”
“No. Kirk, you have to listen to me. That is not an ordinary black hole, there is life behind it!”
“How could life live in a black hole?” The captain was yelling now.
“I told you! Its not an ordinary black hole! I don’t know what is behind there, but I sense there is life! Please Captain, do this for me.”
“No Spok. I will not endanger my crew.”
“Captain-”
“No Spok, and that’s final, we are not going into that black hole!”
“Captain. What if it’s a new planet that no one has discovered yet? What if-”
“Captain!” Emily and Denise suddenly yelled, and pointed to the black hole.
“Oh crap…” the captain muttered again. He muttered those two words over and over, because he knew now, there was nothing he could do. The black hole was consuming the Enterprise.

OH MY GOSH!!!! That was awesome!!! I want to know what happens next so bad!!! They're going in a black hole?!?!?! They're going into a black hole!!!! Try to update soon!!! I am dying to know what happens!!!

Luv
wookielover17

Well it was cute, that much I'll give you. But of course I have about a zillion questions, 'specially because, well, I love Star Trek.

First off, why did Captain Kirk still have his motorcycle? If this is the Star Trek with Chris Pine and everyone, the time-traveling one that just came out, then before he even joined Starfleet he gave his motorcycle away, 'member? Mmhmm. Also, he meets two squeaky teenage girls on a deserted road in Iowa and says, "Hey kids! Sure you can come with me and go on my ship on one of those missions that's extremely dangerous. Hop on, even though I don't know who you are and could get sued for kidnapping!"

My suggestion for that first part would be, he brings them with him to the town where his ship is, and he drops them at the police department. Then they get bored, and they want so bad to go with him they sneak off and find some way to stow away on the ship. It wouldn't just be more realistic--it could be really funny, too.

Okay, so let's say you fixed that part and they stowed away. I like how the story's going so far, but Checkoff is actually spelled "Chekhov", and Spok is "Spock". 'Pologize for the nitpicking, but Zachary Quinto is pretty much my favorite actor and you don't misspell his character's name in front of me an' get away with it. Ahem, anyway, so Kirk is angry, but they've already taken off and he has other things to worry about, so when they get caught (which invariably they will. They probably burst into giggle-fits as he walks past their closet-hiding place or something) he sends them to the ship's 'brig'. From there on out, I guess it can be mostly the way you wrote it, except...

You're rushing. That was my other big thing. I like the story, but it's all going really fast, and there are a ton of funny conversations and interesting descriptions that you could put in to slow it down. Maybe Spock visits them in the brig and tries to interrogate them, and they can't stop giggling like little fan-girls? Maybe they accidentally poison someone? Maybe they escape the brig and break something really important?

Anyways, yeah. I don't ever review fanfics, but as I said, I'm a total Star Trek geek after Zach played Spock (fantastically, by the way), so pardon my pickiness with the names and everything. I can't wait to see this when you've slowed down a little, maybe thrown in that interrogation bit. PM me when it's revised?

\\// Live long and prosper,

-SELA