Young Writers Society

Hi, Gladius!

So, being a girl who has never played a Zelda game (I've only seen parts of them!) but is a great fan of the story and the character, this was a really enjoyable read for me! I hope I can offer you a fresh, outsider's opinion as well.

To start things off, since the reading was dense, I'll only get around through the prologue in this review! Besides, this would be way too long if I was to critique all of the chapters and one post, so I'll get around to them bit by bit.

My general thoughts? I quite liked the prologue. I liked the beginning, especially; it was scenic. With little dialogue and a dreary atmosphere, I think you got across a lot. However, I think the first couple of paragraphs could be condensed just a little bit. I felt like they dragged on a bit too long, and I was just waiting for something to happen. I understand you want to build suspense, but it does get to be a little much. To help decide what to cut out, I recommend that you do this: pick up the story and read it as if you are a reader who knows nothing about the story. Disregarding any bias you may have, did you find to be enjoyable and entertaining? Which parts did you really not like? I've tried it before, and it really helps.

In the second part with Link, I think I mostly had problems with the way you characterized him. Well, you write him fine and I could imagine him coming straight out of the books, but my main problem is that you act as if the reader knows nothing. I know you may have written these with the intention of anyone being able to pick them up and understand, but even if we aren't familiar with the games, we know basic things about Link, like his appearance. You won't really need to mention it to us, actually. It's not executed the best, either-you really spread the description of each feature out and by the time you gave us his age, I didn't really care-I was too into the quest Link was getting.

By the way, it is interesting. I love how the prologue foreshadows everything to come, and this is one of the rare instances where I think a prologue is necessary to set up some exposition for the story. Keep writing-I can't wait to read more of this. Check back for Chapter 1 real soon.

-Elinor xo

Long overdue. xD

Soo! I shall attempt to comment on elements of each chapter. Don't be surprised if I only get through a couple, as it is late. I'm ba-ack!

Prologue:

He snorted derisively. “Watch,” his deep bass voice commanded.

I'll take that line as an example for how many adjectives you can use in one sentence. "Derisively" could probably be cut, as can the "said" (well, commanded) tag can be as well. For most of your descriptions themselves I thought your word use was fine, but dialogue was getting into the realms of a few too many words.

Past that! I enjoyed the prologue. You are just vague enough that we have no idea who everybody is, yet we have enough of an idea we're not totally lost. An interesting thing is how you managed to keep us mostly in the dark even as the chapters marched on. We know the dragon they met later on was the creature that was summoned. We also learn these are the villains of the story.

Link's part was also good. It was rather suspenseful, and I liked how you tied the action into the segment before, which made me think that part was its own chapter. I liked the handful of hints to something more in his part, how you didn't tie it all up. You're leaving us with a bit more.

I also liked how you managed to make the tree part human/spirit, and part human. The human part is key, because it makes the spirit relatable in some way or another.

Overall, the prologue set us up for a pretty large-scope story right from the start, and it doesn't feel like a prologue for the most part. Which is a good thing considering you've pretty much busted the "bad prologue at the start of fantasy" at this point.

And, it is about eleven PM. I'll probably edit the rest into this review. Bug me about it!

Chap 1

Let's see if I can stop laughing long enough to comment, lol (dialogue= Awesome)

I found this chapter just a bit infodumpy. Sometimes you lose the plot or any old feelings for a small family scene, such as the details about her brother.

In fact, now that I look at it, the majority of the chapter feels that way. World details keep taking over, as if they're butting into the story to paint a picture. I can find myself loosing Vanessa in the world's details.

I think you should focus on making us see mostly what Vanessa sees in the world, and cutting out details she's not taking notice of. You'd lose some of the full inclusion, but I think that should be cut for now, until we're deeper into the story.

As I said before, I can find myself losing Vanessa in all those details because they seem to be said by an outside voice. You're flipping between close third person, with her thoughts and opinions on the situation, and omniscient, which reads everything about the world to us. Stick with one person, so the story can be just a bit smoother.

And I think I shall make Chapter 2 it's own review in the hopes of being able to see the content without flipping tabs!

Yay! I can see chapter 2!

Also, I haven't done a nit-pick review in ages. So I might be a bit rambly.

and definitely not from the quarter she had been expecting.

"Quarter she had been expecting" confuses me. It took me a minute to realize it's not from the place, or threat, she was expecting, but it's worded really awkwardly. I actually don't know what that term means, I could only guess what it meant after reading this, so I don't know how to change it.

She had every intention of relaxing and loosening her legs cramped from riding in the same position all day

Legs is repetitive, as you just used it in the last sentence. I'd suggest "muscles."

Instincts honed from working at close quarters in the stables with her father were the only thing that let her catch the thick stick tossed her way before her eyes flew open.

This is one sentence. One rather hard to read sentence. You're cramming in her past, her instincts, the action of a stick being tossed to her, and her catching the stick. Try to keep sentences with only one or two ideas at once. I'd suggest breaking this up to her knowing the stick was coming, then her catching it in another.

though her mind was a little sluggish with confusion and the want for sleep.

"And the want for sleep" feels a bit tacked on, and it makes the sentence a bit confusing.

Yet that bold streak which had prompted her to accept her place here encouraged her to defend that privilege.

Not a tremendous fan of this line. You haven't taken enough time to establish Vanessa as bold yet, this is, after all, only two scenes into the story have directly dealt with any bolt streak in her. I'd switch this to showing her boldness more, and hold off the telling until later, when this streak has been established better.

For the first minute or so the two fighters tested each other, sidestepping around an invisible circle before making a feint or tentative thrust toward the other on an unseen line. The pull between them soon became too much to resist, however, and like two charging stags their weapons crashed together along that same line. Just as quickly again they were yanked apart, only to repeat the motion as if each was imbued with metals of the same polarization.

This rings as untrue to me. I've been in controlled sparring situations (martial arts) and usually there is one party to act a moment before the other. It's not a mutual act. And, usually, if one party is more inclined to hang back to check the opponent out (like Vanessa is here) then she would wait as long as needed. Unless, she's not heavily trained in how to keep an advantage. But even with a little training, she should be resisting.

After the first bout of flesh-seeking strikes, Vanessa broke off and spun away to Lysander’s right, seeking to gain some distance that would let her reevaluate the captain.

She watched carefully as he regained the lost distance, noting how high he held his weapon and how his left hand remained in a fist close to his chest.

And this is what makes the above more unbelievable for me. If she's studying him this closely, she wouldn't rush in.

That didn’t mean she was letting her guard down already, though. Instead she kept a wary eye opened as she darted in and out of her opponent’s guard,

"Guard" is repetitive.

just when the captain managed to shakily hold her onslaught at bay before one of his men’s fires

I think you're missing "stepping" after "before" here.

“Thank you for the match, Captain; it was an honor to spar with you.”

Semicolons in dialogue aren't the best, as they're a bit too formal to make it sound natural. I'm not sure exactly how long to pause when reading that. Put a period or dash in there to make it flow better.

the enemy’s going to be in for one helluva surprise when they meet you.”

Unless the Zelda game world has some concept of "hell" and the history behind "hell" to make it a swear (which was the Catholic Church on Earth) then you're not going to be able to use "hell" in here. Hell is a rather earth-bound swear.

“I’ll keep Felix with Vanessa and me; have a second squad circle from the opposite direction and report to you if they see anything.

Again, semicolon.

Now, as that same beating only grew louder with its proximity, the Labrynnian tracked her fellows’ progress with watchful eyes, on the alert for any sign of danger.

Who, or what, is the Labrynnian? I'm trying to remember if you've ever used the term before, and I don't think you have. It seems like an important character, so I'm rather surprised as why I don't remember the name, and why it hasn't been mentioned before.

A dragon had returned to Labrynna after hundreds of years of banishment.

So the Labrynna is a place? Could have fooled me with the above description. This could be where me not understanding the game world comes into place, though. I guess she is a spirit of the forest as well as the land itself?

Its scales shimmered darkly in the dappled woodland light

When it comes to adverbs, I consider "darkly" one of the flat ones, that you scratch out in editing. When you've set up a character as an antagonist, which this dragon has been set up as (the prologue), "darkly" can be used as extra incentive to make the character consider the antagonist evil. There are more imaginative ways of doing that, and ones that don't make the reader feel like a characters' side (side being good or evil) is being forced on them.

Past that one word, I did like this description. It's very beautiful.

following every word as if entranced.

I think you can cut "as if entranced" here. As soon as I saw she was focused on the dragon, I knew she was entranced. "As if entranced" is hinting at something most readers have probably already established as true.

Vanessa gasped with the shock of being rudely yanked back into reality by Link’s repeated shouts and his hand shaking her shoulder

"Rudely" isn't doing anything for this sentence, as "yanked" does a pretty good job of saying it was a sudden and unpleasant for her. Rudely, if anything, sets up Link as a momentary antagonist, and that tends to linger for the next few lines, which isn't good.

“I’m f-fine,” the girl assured a little shakily.

Something about this tag bothers me. "The girl" and "assured" are both unusual phrases to see in writing, and together they make a tag that my eye just stops at.

Relief immediately flooded the teen’s veins

I can stand "the girl" used in fiction, to a degree, but "the teen" is even less often used. You don't use it again, either, which makes this really stand out. Replace with "Vanessa" or "she."

“But I do believe your allies require your assistance more. I shall be fine in the meantime whilst you drive off the beast; my friends can protect me if anything should seek to harm me in your absence.”

Semicolon in dialogue.

“Your comrades need you. Concentrate on driving off the abomination; I can take care of myself for five more minutes.”

And again.

But Vanessa had survived. The dragon hadn’t gotten her, she had found Nayru, and now it
was leaving before any more harm could be done.

Some odd spacing here.

This, and the paragraph before which I'm not going to quote, are what's making this chapter die at the end. You're giving a recap when we don't really need one, as we just went through all these emotions. You could cut it to her just smiling that she's survived her first attack and big fight, and that elation is cut short when she sees Link on the dragon's back.

Clinging for his life to the dragon’s back, weapons drawn, was Link.

I'm wondering, very strongly, when and how he got a chance to jump on the dragon's back if the dragon spent all its time chasing Vanessa. Unless he jumped on to try and distract the dragon, but, I'm really wondering why he'd do something that silly. I really think you need to explain what he was doing there at the start of the next chapter, as some sort of wondering on Vanessa's part, as I'm trying to wrap my head around it and this action does not seem to fit Link's character at all. Link, to me, is the hero who will make sure he's not taking an unnecessary risk, either for himself or for those around him.

*

Now to ramble about the overall portion.

I found this pretty smooth. The beginning was rocky, as it was mildly confusing at the very start, but that got ironed out quickly.

Your fight scene read pretty smoothly, although I didn't really feel in it, especially at the end. When I read fight scenes I like to have some idea of the moves a character is making as they fend off an opponent. With your short description of how she drove the captain back, I got lost. You don't have to go into actual moves, just give the general description of how she attacked him and flung the weapon out of his hand. I think you were trying a bit for Pierce's style in In The Hand of the Goddess, where Alanna battles the Tusain knight. In that scene, there's hardly any description of Alanna's actually moves. However, there is a description of the fight before she began a frenzy of attacking, and how she got her opponent's sword out of his hand. That's what sinks the fight scene into our minds and makes us feel like we're part of it.

I'm actually feeling really detached from this chapter. The writing was good, the plot moves forward, but I'm not feeling a connection with Vanessa yet, past laughing at her antics. It's like her personality hasn't been cemented yet, or the prose is so distant that it's preventing a deep connection. If it's the latter, then this isn't much of an issue. Some stories are just meant to have a bit of distance between the character and the reader (I believe this is Pierce's writing style, moreso). If it's the former, however, then there might be a problem.

I actually think you're okay in terms of character. In later chapters, we see more of her personality, and right now, with the fighting and everything else going on, you don't have room for much more character interactions. I would go through this and make sure Vanessa's completely in character throughout, maybe seeing if her personality's strong enough. Right now, I don't feel like I can describe her personality very well. In the fight scene at the start, she's not smug, but when she manages to escape the dragon, she is. She can be strong-minded, but bends enough to take orders from pretty much everybody and not put up a fuss. If there's a logical reason behind that, that's fine. I have the odd points my character personalities flip-flop. But, right now, her personality doesn't seem to have a cohesiveness yet.

Hope this helps! Drop me a line if you have any questions.

~Rosey

I enjoyed it, there is no question about it. It was packed full of all the stuff I love the most and look for in a story of any kind. Well, to tell the truth, I pretty much only read historical fiction or fantasy, so this novel you have going on here has every component I look for in a good fantasy story or novel of any kind. It was over all amazing and, well, it was just great. I hope to see/read more of your work that you compose about the Legend of Zelda: Wings of Darkness. Not to mention, I am a huge fan of the different Legend of Zelda things out there. So, please continue with it.

Gladius! 8D

So, here as requested and I have to say, I truly enjoyed this. ^.^
Well, I'm not going to do a whole nitpicky review for you because I'm sure we'll both hate that so I'll just skip to my overall thoughts on this.

Firstly, I'll talk about the boring stuff -grammar and punctuation/ writing style. Your writing was actually quite good, I like the depth it goes into and the way you worded her emotions were different and interesting to read, which made me keep my interest in throughout the whole piece. I noticed a few instances in which you forgot to add a comma but I know a quick reread and checking will take care of that. One thing that did catch my eye was that you seemed to overuse your adverbs in a few areas, I would recommend, if you go back and try revising this again, that you try to edit those sentences and paragraphs that seem to have a case of adverb fever. However, I found your writing to be quite mature and I couldn't just skim read it, I had to take each word in at a time to really eat the picture - if you know what I mean.
With that said there are time where you actually over-explain scenes or actions which makes it draggy and a bit boring. That could just be me however, I like faster-paced novels with short but concise descriptions. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and that was my main dislike with this, but your writing made me wave that little part off and still held my attention.

Ahhhhh, it's Link! 8D
So, yeah totally awesome. I like how you described his thoughts and movements, really fit his character here. Honestly, I'm not much of a fanfiction person, nor have I really played too much attention to the game but I do know my basics on it so I guess you can say I'm not a noob but one level higher, what do they call it...I don't know if they have a name for that.
Anyway! I like how you didn't make him totally mute but still had a voice here and there. Although there weren't many lines I was still able to stay connected and feel his character. By the way, I like the way you molded his character in here. I don't know it's very cool and...Link-like. Not only that but you were able to give him distinct personal traits and an attitude which made it interesting to read what he was thinking and doing.

Alright, so basically that is my review for the first part of this, I'll post more reviews later since I'm pressed for time right now. I just wanted to at least do one so you knew that I wasn't just sneaking around YWS lazily. XD
I'll have another review up tomorrow maybe for your next chapter!

-Pink

Pink! *glomps* Thanks for the review. :3 I'll definitely take your advice into consideration when I get to doing the rewrite of this. ^_^

Alright, so basically that is my review for the first part of this, I'll post more reviews later since I'm pressed for time right now. I just wanted to at least do one so you knew that I wasn't just sneaking around YWS lazily. XD

xD That's fine. I figured you'd get to it sooner or later. I'm busy enough myself these days, so I totally understand. (And--yay!! More to come! xD *glompouncehugglehugs* xP)

I'm not much of a fanfiction person, nor have I really played too much attention to the game but I do know my basics on it so I guess you can say I'm not a noob but one level higher, what do they call it...I don't know if they have a name for that.

*pokes club* I believe I've called your kind "Zelda Nuts"? I used to be one 'til I Took a Level and played/beat a few more of the games.

Okay, I'm back to review chapter two! Well...it's not exactly a review but I can still call this a review just to make myself feel better. ^.^

First of all, we get a better understanding of how you portrayed Link and I think the personality that you gave him fits well. I mean, for some reason I always imagined him slightly on the cocky/commanding side. I have no idea why that is but I'm glad you didn't make him all serious or what not otherwise this would've been boring to read.

I also like how you slowly work up an atmosphere, it's great to see the way to slowly describe emotions and such and work your way through the peak and I find myself feeling the same anticipation the character feels, good job. So other than that, I really don't have much to add to this. The comments in my previous review still stand as is since there were a few instances where I was going to comment on something and then remembered that I had already stated that in my previous review. This being the case, I think my reviews will become more rambling than helping but I'll be sure to try and entertain you anyway. ^^

-Pink

Hi Gladiator,
I'm here as requested, and I'm sorry to say that I didn't make it too far into the story before I stopped reading. There's nothing really wrong with your piece, it's just that it didn't grip me at all, and I was bored.
Here are some nit-picks from what I did read:

Finally, after what felt like centuries had passed, the pair ended their interminable If it's interminable descent down the dark stairwell and into what the apprentice could best describe as an equally-interminable cavern.

I don't like the idea of the word interminable occuring twice in the same sentence. Also, the portion of the sentence that I underlined is unecessary.

More at ease within the darkness than his apprentice, Vaden’s master brushed past her hesitating figure and strode confidently through the shadows. They quickly retreated like the monsters he commanded above ground, cowering in fear at his power.
Not wishing to be left behind and swallowed up by the vengeful shadows, Vaden darted after him.

I didn't understand this. I would assume that Vaden darted after her master, and then "they quickly retreated like the monsters he commanded above ground". Unless, you meant "they" to be "he". I'm a little confused here. Maybe I'm just reading this wrong.
Again, I'm sorry I didn't read the whole thing.
Keep writing!
-Alex