Young Writers Society

Chapter 3
Chase scene and more Nightmares



An unknown person wearing a mining suit was standing right in front of the bushes. The four girls remained silent. Lizzy covered her mouth as she watched the person. He looked around him. “Is he searching for something?” Lizzy wondered.
The brunette was now more curious than scared. She would of stood up if it wasn’t for the fact he looked like a frikin maniac! The man released a heavy breath and started to walk away down the path. This time the girls waited till he was out of view before they started talking. “What the heck was that?” Ali whispered.
“I’m not sure, but we should get out of here before he comes back!” Crimson suggested.
“Yeah, we should go. Ok Lizzy?” Allie asked.
She looked over where Lizzy should have been and nothing was there. “Huh?” Allie gasped.
Looking over in the direction the man went, she could see Lizzy following him. “Ah, crap.” Allie moaned.
The three other girls quickly chased after her.


**********

After what seemed they were running for hours, the girls finally caught up with Lizzy, whom was kneeling behind a bush. Seeing them, Lizzy signaled them to hide with her. “Lizzy what the hell are you thinking.” Ali whispered angrily.
Lizzy placed her pointer finger against her lips, and pointed to the scene behind the bushes. The man in the mining outfit had joined another man. “What are they talking about?” Crimson whispered.
“Did you get it?” One of the men asked.
“Yeah, it was pretty easy. None of the things here will be missed.” He chuckled as he answered.
Bending down, one of the men grabbed a large black bag and dropped it in front of himself. “Oh my god…” Allie muttered.
The black back squirmed and moaned. One of the men kicked it. What ever was in the bag, it groaned in agony. “Let me check him off. What is his name?” The man pulled out a pen and a list.
“Umm, Richard Copper.”
“You idiot! He’s not on the list.” The man with the list scolded him. “Great, just great.”
Lizzy gasped. “We have to save him.”
“Lizzy don’t. We can’t take on those psychos. We need to get help.” Crimson explained.
Unfortunately, Lizzy ignored everything that she said. The brunette stood up and was about to shout at them, when one of the men pulled out a gun and shot the boy. Lizzy gasped. They gun was almost silent, but she wasn’t. The two men looked over to see her. “Hey, you! What are you doing here?!”
“Crap! Run!” Allie screamed.
The four girls fled in the other direction of the men. They ran as fast as they could; however they didn’t notice that the men weren’t chasing them. Lizzy was running at the front of the group and didn’t see the mysterious figure appear in front of her. She ran into someone. Lizzy screamed. “What are you four doing out here?” A voice asked.
Lizzy took a closer look. It was the security guard. “You have to help us! There are freaky people wearing mining outfits, and they just killed someone.” Ali begged.
The security officer sighed. “Sure there are.”
He grabbed Lizzy and Allie by the wrists. “Come on. We’re going to the principle’s office.”
He pulled Lizzy and Allie away, while Crimson and Ali followed him obediently.

****************

“What do you think you four were doing out past curfew? A woman scolded them.
She was old and wrinkled with grey shriveled hair. It was the school’s principle. The four girls sat down in their chairs listening to her scolding. “The only reason students go out past curfew is to cause mischief. For your troublemaking I am giving you each two weeks of detention.”
“Huh?” Lizzy gasped. “But this was all my fault, don’t blame them!”
The principle sat down at her desk. “Well since you were the ring leader. I will add an extra week for you missy.”
Lizzy’s jaw dropped, but she said nothing. “Now, get out of my sight.”
Listening to her, the girls quickly bolted out of her office. The principle watched them leave, and then picked up her phone. She dialed in a number and waited for someone to answer. “This is priestess Asilia. Yes, I hope you realize that your men weren’t very secretive about their target tonight. Yes, four witnesses. Yes, one of them is essential for our causes. No, don’t attack them. Let them be, we need the one to remain oblivious towards everything that is happening. Yes, goodbye.” the principle hanged up and let out a large breath.
“Once this is all over. Paradise will be released upon humanity.”

**********


Ali was alone in her room, and couldn’t sleep. So, she decided to take the time to practice playing her harp. Ali’s mother had gotten it for her, and she absolutely adored it. She stood beside it and began to pluck at its strings. The chic girl took deep breaths as she created beautiful music with her harp. Her heart was strangely pounding in her chest. Ali just couldn’t get over what she had seen it was so unsettling. A knock at the door made her stop. “Who is it?” Ali asked, slightly afraid.
“It’s Crimson.”
Ali walked to the door and opened it. “Come in.”
The silent girl nodded and sat on Ali’s bed. The music lover’s room was slightly messy, but it was filled with many musical items, like music sheets, a harp, clarinet and a guitar. Ali sat besides her. “What is it Crimson?”
“I-I’m not sure.” She shyly answered.
“Do you feel like something bad is going to happen?” Ali added.
Crimson gave a faint nod. “Its just, I would protect Allie, Lizzy and you no matter what, but… I feel like that won’t be enough. Allie and your nightmares about Lizzy, I had one too.”
Ali placed her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Well in my dream I was walking down a hallway when….”

“Walk faster Crimson!” Lizzy taunted her.
Crimson shook her head. “Why do you have to walk so fast?”
She quickly caught up and they locked arms. Lizzy smiled, and began to pull Crimson, making her walk faster. “Lizzy, not so fast.”
The bubbling brunette ignored her. “Come on let’s skip!”
Crimson showed a small grin. “Whatever you want Deary.”
The two girls skipped down the empty hallways, making Crimson giggle. “Hey Lizzy where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise!”
Lizzy released Crimson’s arm and ran ahead. She stopped and turned to face her. The quiet girl walked into the room with Lizzy. Her eyes widen at what she saw. They were in a large room with stained glass windows depicting horrific scenes. Only three stained glass windows were calming. In the middle was stained glass of red clothed goddess surrounded by people. To its right was a stained glass showing a woman offering a reed to the sun. To the left was a stained glass of a man offering a serpent to the sun. “Isn’t it pretty?” Lizzy stated.
Crimson was amazed. “Wow. How did you find this place?”
Lizzy shrugged. “Not sure.”
Crimson looked back at Lizzy. The ditzy girl was standing in the center of a painting on the floor. The painting consisted of two large outer circles and two smaller inner circles. The lettering around its circumference was rovásírás, an old Hungarian alphabet. The symbols in the inner circle appeared to be a part of some Native American alphabet. “The two outer circles mean chastity and resurrection. The three inner circles mean past, present and future.”
Crimson gave her a confused look. “What are you talking about?”
Lizzy looked down at the painting. “Crimson do you want to protect me?”
“Of course. You’re my best friend. I would do anything for you.” Crimson answered.
“I don’t think you will be able to.” Lizzy added.
Crimson shook her head. “No, I will protect you. No matter what!”
The brunette looked back at her friend. “I’m sorry Crimson. But I am already burning.”
With that said, Lizzy placed her hands on her eyes and gently pulled them from the sockets. “Stop it!” Crimson screamed.
She was about to run, but then her legs didn’t move. Looking down, Crimson’s legs were sinking into the floor. Lizzy dropped her eyes onto the floor and cried out. “Look! I’m burning!”
Instantly Lizzy caught on fire, and Crimson watched helplessly as her best friend turned to ashes in front of her. “Lizzy!” Crimson shrieked.

“After that I woke up crying in my bed.” Crimson said while brushing her fingers through her hair.
“What’s wrong with us? Normal people don’t dream about their friends dying!” Ali said.
“These dreams have to mean something, like a premonition.” Crimson replied.
“I don’t understand, why would anyone want to hurt Lizzy?” Ali wondered.
Crimson shrugged. “No clue, but we have to protect her. No matter what

yay, it's really good. I like the discussion at the end, becuase you can see more of the other characters like I explained before, but it's easier with no Lizzie so now;s the perfect chance and you took it,

well done

can't wait to read more. I am really into this now

thanks ^_^ Chapter 4 is called "Fights and disappearing"

cool.
when are you putting it up?

How far have you got with the whole thing so far?

Hey There Maki,

Here's your requested review.

Dialogue Vs Prose: To start off with, the first thing that I noticed about your style of writing is that you tend to write from dialogue as a base. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it often comes at the expense of your story's credibility. If you want to use dialogue as a base, that's fine, but try to show us some of what happens between dialogue. You need to take your story slower and build us up to each event and slow down its rapid progression.

Essentially we as readers will only be satisfied that you've shown us enough of the story when we've had a little time to take in what's already been exposed to us. This means that we need a little time to take in what has happened in your story. You need to expend some energy making describing more so your story gains more credibility.

Knowing one's place as a writer: When writing a story it is important to realize that essentially you are telling a story rather than describing a set of random events. This means that you must appear as a narrator would at all times. Alexander Dumas specifically, the writer of the Count of Monte Cristo, takes this to the utmost extreme and actually appears to us as a narrator several times throughout his book introducing us to scenes by telling us things like, "Now let us leave X to focus on Y." You don't have to do anything as extreme as Dumas does, although his style works well for him. You do however need to ensure that you don't write lines like the following:

She would of stood up if it wasn’t for the fact he looked like a frikin maniac!

See, essentially in the above sentence you actually become the character because of your description of "frikin maniac". Those were your character's thoughts, and if you want to become your character, write from the first person perspective. I couldn't help but feel conflicted though when you did this in the first person.

Showing vs. Telling: I don't like using this phrase while reviewing, but occasionally when I feel that the writer really has a lot more potential than is being revealed I comment on this. I didn't really get any picture of your story and it sounded quite like an average Joe telling a story that I wasn't particularly interested in. Become a master story teller, and weave your words to paint us a picture of what is happening, rather than merely giving us facts.

Description: Once again, it comes down to pulling us into your story. Try use the senses to guide you when describing. Describe what your characters feel, touch, see, smell and hear. Describe only what we'd be interested in knowing though, but describe it thoroughly. More important than what your characters do is the motivation behind their doing it. If you can get us to understand the feelings in your character's head successfully we will truly feel a connection to your story.

Action: You write your action well here, and we read through it fast because of the rate at which events take place. Try not to compromise this even as you add description. I like what you have here and would not like you to ruin it.

Saidophobia: That is fear of the word "said". Lose it as quickly as possible. A reader will simply read over the word said. The same cannot be said about most other words such as suggested, gasped and moaned. A good writer will have his dialogue emotive enough to not require the explanation of tone and feeling. Try to work with this, and limit your dialogue to pivotal sentences and describe the rest from a sentence. In stories dialogue is lifelike but it only takes into account the most exciting conversation that occurs in real life.

Overall: I enjoyed reading your story as it is fast paced and exciting. The brevity of the review is because you seemed to only have one overshadowing problem. I can't critique character or setting because you haven't let us into the characters' heads enough for me to see anything. Focus on building stronger contact with your readers and it will seem far more real. You need to get us more into the characters' heads, if you want us to really feel a part of the story. Feeling is for me what is lacking, and you need to describe feelings over events. If I were to focus on anything as you write it would be this. I hope my review helped.

Have a great one!

An unknown person wearing a mining suit was standing right in front of the bushes.

I think there should be more description concerning this man. What does he look like? Entail so tghat we know he looks scary, so that we know he looks like a murderer. What makes some one look so scary and weird?

“Is he searching for something?” Lizzy wondered.

Is she saying this out loud or in her head? If she's thinking this then it should be italizied and there shouldn't be any qoutation marks.

She would of stood up if it wasn’t for the fact he looked like a frikin maniac!

Once again what makes him look like a freakin maniac? I think you're doing lots of telling instead of showing.

This time the girls waited till he was out of view before they started talking. “What the heck was that?” Ali whispered.

Very realistic I like it good job.

She looked over where Lizzy should have been and nothing was there.

A comma should be after been and before but

“Huh?” Allie gasped.

I think it would flow better if Allie just gasped. Huh before it isn't really needed.

After what seemed they were running for hours, the girls finally caught up with Lizzy, whom was kneeling behind a bush.

um this isn't worded right. Maybe it could go like this: After it seemed like hours they had been running, they finally caught up with Lizzy, whom was kneeling behind a bush.
Of course you don't have to put it that way it was just a suggestion.

“Lizzy what the hell are you thinking.” Ali whispered angrily.

A comma after Lizzy is needed

The black back squirmed and moaned.

I know they probably can't see much because it's dark, but that shouldn't stop you from adding some description besides black.

What ever was in the bag, [s]it[/s] groaned in agony.

It isn't needed in this sentence.

Lizzy gasped. “We have to save him.”

ah, this part made me laugh. Just picturing a little girl trying to defend a beaten man, up against two .(probably) serial killers. Nice job.

Lizzy gasped. They gun was almost silent, but she wasn’t.

There needs to be way more Description!!! So how do you know the gun was almost silent. Did the bullet peirce the air and hit the man? Did the man make any noise? How was she not silent? Obviously she gasped but is that all? how loud did she gasp?

“What do you think you four were doing out past curfew? A woman scolded them.

You missed the second quotation mark silly typo

She was old and wrinkled with grey shriveled hair.

Finally! a little description

The four girls sat down in their chairs listening to her scolding.

Decription here too. What was the old womans voice like? What did her office look like? Was it intimidating? Did the girls sigh and groan as they sat in the chairs or were they frozen with fear bearly able to get in the chairs?

She dialed in a number and waited for someone to answer.

You are telling instead of showing through out much of this chapter. If you need help with that pm and Ill gladly help you. It's just there also needs to be more description. Us as readers dont know what going on through your head and i realize this is a fanfic and thats all the more reason for description.

“This is priestess Asilia. Yes, I hope you realize that your men weren’t very secretive about their target tonight. Yes, four witnesses. Yes, one of them is essential for our causes. No, don’t attack them. Let them be, we need the one to remain oblivious towards everything that is happening. Yes, goodbye.” the principle hanged up and let out a large breath.
“Once this is all over. Paradise will be released upon humanity.”

I love how this is a oneway call and we don;t know what the other person is saying. Much more mysterious.

Ali just couldn’t get over what she had seen it was so unsettling. A knock at the door made her stop. “Who is it?” Ali asked, slightly afraid.

So how is she afraid? Does she bite her lower lip? Does she start to sweat? Does she jump a little when theres a knock at the door?
Description Description Description.

The music lover’s room was slightly messy, but it was filled with many musical items,

This is being redundant after you call her a musiclover we, the readers, assume her room if full of these things so why dont you just say As a music lover her room is full of blah, blah, and etc. ...

Instantly Lizzy caught on fire, and Crimson watched helplessly as her best friend turned to ashes in front of her.

description. What does it smell like? What does she look like as she burns? What are Crimsons smotions what are her facial expressions?

Crimson shrugged. “No clue, but we have to protect her. No matter what

You missed a period at the end of this sentence.

Overall: I didn't read the other reviews so I hope im not being redundant. Here is your long awaited review:

Ok so i didn't read chapters one and two and I have no idea what Silent Hill even is, so please bear with me.

Description: There needs to be way more of this. You know what you see in your head, and you know what you want to put down on the paper, but the reader doesn't. So when you leave out certain details and description it makes it harder for the reader to picture what you though was perfectly laid out.

Showing vs Telling: Ok, I know you may know what showing vs telling is, but thats not apparent in this chapter. It felt liek you were telling me. they did this, and this, then this. It was boring at times and left everything and nothing to my imagination. So to me as a reader it was blunt, and sometimes hard to understand what was going on.

Characters: I think the characters are very two dimensional. Bring them to life so your readers can relate to them. What do they like, dislike? what makes them nervous? Scared? Do they have nitpicks of their own. Do they have a pet peeve? how do they show that their scared? Or mad?


Thank you for requesting a review I hope it was helpful and not to blunt or mean

Awesome job, and have a great day.
Tiffany