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Super DodgeBrawl- Chapter Two



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Thu Jul 16, 2009 5:00 am
hen.hug says...



CHAPTER TWO

The arena was louder than ever. Fans on all sides screamed as they jumped and moved around. The scoreboard informed everyone of what they already knew. The Panorama Sparks and the Palutena Titans were tied, two wins each. This last match would determine a winner.

Ken's fingertips were all placed loosely on the back wall. He waited for the sound that would send him, as well as the rest of his teammates, sprinting toward the center line. He was surprisingly nervous. This last match was regular play. That meant regular rubber balls. Unfortunately, the Sparks hadn't played well during the two previous regular matches. The matches had been close, but the Sparks lost both of them. They made up for it by easily defeating the Titans during both of the special play matches. The pressure was on, and Ken knew it.

This first game, not just of the year, not just of the season, but of the entire National DodgeBall League, had been handed to Ken. Sure, the heads of the NDL told everyone that it had been a random draw as to who plays who and when, but Ken knew better. The other games may have been random. In fact, everything else probably was random. But this game was not. Today, one game was being played. This historic, first-ever meeting of the National DodgeBall League was between the Panorama Sparks and the Palutena Titans. The news had launched a celebrity career for the Titans' captain Isaiah "Pit" Pritchard. Nothing changed for Ken, though. In a hushed conversation, John Wolodarsky had told Ken how lucky the NDL was that the Sparks landed that game. The American public had embraced DodgeBall, but they were fickle. It was important for them to see their hero in action. Ken Dollings was their hero.

A quick, loud tone filled the arena, even louder than the noise from the crowd. Immediately, the sixteen players on the court sprinted away from the wall. A few settled into position behind the boundary lines. The rest flew to the center line in hopes of grabbing a ball before their opponents. Luckily for the Sparks, speed was one of their fortes.

Eli Danson and Hino Nakamura, an import from the Japanese national team, were the first to the center line. They each got possession of one of the bright red balls. Hino, in traditional Japanese flare, back flipped away from the center line and threw the ball. It crashed into a competitor's shoulder, who fell to the floor. The referee signaled him out, and he left the court.

Meanwhile, Eli abruptly faked a throw, causing a competitor to leap away in defense. He then passed the ball to Ken, who passed the ball to Sullivan Smythe. Sullivan was already running toward the center line. He let the ball explode out of his grasp. A young man on the other team put a hand out to catch the ball but missed, and the ball thudded forcefully into his forearm. A referee blew a whistle, shouting "OUT!" The young man threw a fist to the floor and walked to the back wall.

With a ball in his hands, team captain Pit got the Titans first out. As Sullivan shouted in excitement about the out he just made, Pit hurled the ball. It hit Sullivan hard in the stomach. He winced, and jogged to the back wall, holding his gut.

Ken was excited at the progression of the match. His team had made two early outs. He caught a ball that had been tossed to him by Jack Hudson, the inactive teammate playing the back line. He charged the center line. He pretended to aim at one of the Titans, but instead passed the ball back to Jack. Right after catching it, Jack threw the ball at Pit. He was onto the play, though, and Pit easily caught the ball. Ken grit his teeth and backed away.

It was Pit's turn to charge the line and fake a throw. He ran forward and took aim at Ken, but instead of flying at the Sparks' captain, it flew toward Eli. The ball took him by surprise, just barely grazing his leg. After the referee called him out, Eli took his place beside Sullivan along the back wall.

Three against three.

Brett, one ball already in his hands, ran to grab the ball that had just hit Eli. It was slowly rolling toward the center line. One of the Titans, the notorious Rory Bristow, a former soccer player who switched to DodgeBall for the NDL, had his eyes on the rolling piece of rubber. Brett threw the ball in his hands as he neared the other ball. It landed on or near Rory's foot. Brett wasn't entirely sure which. He got to the other ball just as a referee deemed Rory safe. The young man smiled an attractive smile, and yelled over the crowd. "Missed me. Now try again!" he taunted.

The ball that missed Rory was quickly scooped up by another Titan. He backed up to the farthest boundary line and waited a moment. Pit ran in front of him and scooped up the ball. He took a few steps then catapulted the ball over the court. It landed in the hands of one of the Titans' inactive players. As soon as it was in his hands, he threw the ball. It flew toward Hino, who caught it. In a similar manner, Hino immediately threw the ball. It thudded against the knee of his competitor, who left the court.

Three against two.

Rory grabbed the ball and took a cocky step toward the center of the court. Brett, standing to his left across the line, still had the ball in his hands. He had a cautious, thoughtful approach to DodgeBall that Ken admired. It was different, but often times it worked. "You gonna try again?" Rory persisted. The corner of Brett's mouth went up. Without saying anything or adjusting his stance, he launched the ball at Rory, who easily sidestepped the attack. He didn't realize, however, that his only other teammate still in play was right in Brett's sight. The ball banged into Pit's ribs, and he stumbled. The crowd screamed enthusiastically as Pit left the court for the back wall.

Three against one.

Rory ran to the other ball and picked it up. He had a ball in each hand. Above him on the scoreboard, a countdown began. It wasn't the first time it had happened during the game, or even that match, but it was the most significant. Rory casually paced along the back line. The crowd began to loudly count down with the timer. The remaining Sparks stared intently at Rory as he calmly decided his next move. When the crowd's screams counted a very loud "TWO!", Rory darted forward. After a few quick steps, he planted a heel in the ground and began turning his body 180 degrees. He planted the other foot, and continued turning, his back to the Sparks, his arms swinging purposefully about him. As his body turned back forward, he let the first ball fly from his strong arm. It flew toward its target. Milliseconds after, his other arm swung around, sending the other ball flying.

The first ball headed for Hino. He tried to catch it, but it fell out of his grasp. He was out. Ken, not noticing the second throw, went for the ball Hino had missed- and right into the path of the oncoming ball. It barely touched the back of his elbow, but it was enough. He reluctantly followed Hino the the back wall.

One against one.

Brett now had both balls in his possession. Unfortunately, he was now the only player on his team. Once again, a countdown started overhead. His heart beat quickly in his chest, and his eyes darted around the arena. Ken was confident in Brett. There may have been only one of the Sparks left, but Brett was good. On top of that, he had both balls.

"You still haven't hit me," Rory reminded him. Brett bit his lip. He glanced at the clock against the wall. As the numbers went down, the crowd shouted them. "TWO!" they screamed. Instead of a fancy move, Brett dropped the ball in his left hand and lightly kicked it toward his opponent.

"Let's make this a fair fight," he called. The crowd became uproarious. Ken bared his teeth and pulled at his hair. What was this kid doing? He surely wasn't going to hand the game to the other team.

Keeping his eyes on Brett, Rory crouched down to pick up the gifted ball. Standing up, he began his cocky pace about the court. The crowd began cheering their names. The sounds they made were jumbled, but clear. "ROAR-EE! ROAR-EE!" was being cheered by half of the stadium, while the other half called out "Brett! Brett! Brett!" Rory continued his pace as Brett stood confidently where he was. They looked each other directly in the eyes, each of them smirking, each of them waiting for the other to make their move.

In a sudden fury, Rory dashed in Brett's direction. As the ball came for Brett, he ran right toward it. Both hands on the ball, he let the other one crash into his own, and it flew sporadically to his left. Then, he released his own ball. He aimed high, but threw low. It caught his opponent off guard. Rory ducked to miss the throw, but instead took a ball right in the gut. He toppled over as the referee confirmed he was out.

The crowd exploded in cheers as the rest of Brett's teammates rushed to embrace him. The Panorama Sparks had won the first ever National DodgeBall League game. It was the start of what looked to be an amazing season. When the celebration died down, Ken was surprised to find he wasn't the only one the media wanted to talk to. Instead, a young nobody, Brett Holden, was right beside him taking questions.
Last edited by hen.hug on Sat Jul 18, 2009 3:15 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sat Jul 18, 2009 1:05 am
octocoffee says...



Eli Danson and Hino (LAST NAME), an import from the Japanese national team, were the first to the center line.

Why do you need the ‘(LAST NAME)’ there? Just to inform the reader that Hino is not his first name? I think there are more effective ways to tell the reader that, but I’m not sure why that’s so important to say.

With a ball in his hands, team captain Pit got the TitansTitan’s first out.


The young man smiled an attractive smile, and yelled over the crowd. "Missed me. Now try again!" he taunted.

‘Smiled an attractive smile’ could be ‘smiled attractively’ or ‘flashed an attractive smile’. Using two forms of one word so close together isn’t efficient.

I have even less to say about this chapter when it comes to nitpicks! Nice work! My only general caution would be to look out for the stray bits of passive voice. Content-wise, I thought it was fine, if a little long. I’m not sure if a play-by-play is necessary, but if you like what you have, keep it. It doesn’t really detract from anything. I’m glad that you added the semblances of content to the end of the chapter, now I’m getting interested. So bigshot Ken has noticed that the spotlight isn’t on him anymore. Cue conflict!


I say, go ahead and continue. You’ve just grazed the tip of the iceberg in conflict, it’s time to really delve into the good stuff. If you ever need another review, just let me know and I’ll be happy to go over it.

Best of luck

octo
...if you are going to step on a live mine, make it your own. Be blown up, as it were, by your own delights and despairs. ~ Ray Bradbury
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Sat Jul 18, 2009 3:18 am
hen.hug says...



Thank you so much for the review. You're incredibly helpful.

I will definitely take everything you said to heart and review this baby under your scrutiny. I can see where you're coming from on everything. Just a note, though, the (LAST NAME) thing was a mistake on my part. Hino is a chracter from the game, but he had no last name. That was supposed to be a reminder to myself to find one. Heh heh. Consider that corrected.
  








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