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Welcoming Freedom Chapter 11



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Tue Jan 06, 2009 10:37 pm
writ3rindisguis3 says...



This is the longest chapter I have written so far in this fan fiction. That is a breakthrough for me. Thank you so much for critiquing and your wonderful comments. I'm trying to re-read my chapters and edit them before sticking them on here. Hope you like it!


Chapter 11

A Run In

I sat on my couch, reading Wuthering Heights for the millionth time. There is just something about the turmoil and longing in that book that kept drawing me in.

Today was September thirteenth, or in other words, my birthday. This would be my fifth years as a vampire.

I set my book down and leaned on the back of the couch. I wasn’t sure if I was happy about this being my fifth year as a vampire. I mean, yes, I was away from my abusive father and yes, I was able to be my own woman now. But, I just felt like there was something missing. Like I need one other thing to make me whole and I can’t seem to find it.

I was happy though that Carlisle and Esme were my parents now. They made sure I kept up with the latest things going on in the world and that I always had someone to run to when I needed help. They made sure I felt loved and I did, wholly and completely. I just wanted something more.

“Bella,” Esme called from the living room, “would you come here for a minute?”

I got up off the couch and smoothed my skirts. I felt the soft silk brush across my skin.

I walked out of my room at a human speed. I would do this only when I was still thinking about things.

I finally stepped into the living room and looked at Carlisle and Esme. They were both sitting on the tan couch in front of the fireplace.

“Why don’t you have a seat, Bella?” Carlisle asked, pointing to a matching chair facing them. I took an apprehensive step, though there was no reason for any fear, and sat down. Their faces were calm and a shine was in their eyes. I figured nothing could be amiss and settled in the chair.

Esme held a blue rectangular box in her hands. I had a feeling they would get me something for my birthday even though I asked them not to.

Esme saw me looking at the box and smiled apologetically.

“We know you didn’t want any presents for your birthday, but we thought it was time to give you this. Carlisle explained, taking the blue box from Esme’s hands and placing it in mine.

“Please don’t be angry with us. We know you will like it. “Esme said.

I looked at them both and sighed. I was only going to do this to make my parents happy.

I took a deep, un-needed breath and opened the box.

Inside laid an elegant necklace. There were blue and white diamonds inlaid on the outer edge of an oval pendent. In the middle of the pendent lay a fierce lion. A palm of a hand rest above it. I was not one for jewelry, but this took my breath away.

I stared at Carlisle and Esme in disbelief.

“It’s the Cullen crest.” My father explained.

The families crest. They were giving me a necklace that said I was part of the family, even though I already knew I was. This made it even more special, though.

“Oh, thank you!” I jumped up and placed kisses on their cheeks. They chuckled.

“It’s beautiful.” I said, sitting back down and admired the elegant necklace.

I carefully lifted the delicate silver chain and clasped it behind my neck. The pendent rested just below my collarbone.

“It looks lovely, dear.” Esme cooed.

I smiled a wide smile at them. I truly did love the gift they gave me. I would have to tell them later that I still wouldn’t want anymore gifts, though. I hated it when people made me the center of attention.

“Thank you so much.” I said again.

“You are quite welcome, daughter.” Carlisle patted my back.

“That’s all we wanted to call you down for. You can go back to reading your book.” Esme said as she got up and began dusting. I giggled when Esme began to go back over the spots she just dusted, brushing a few more dust motes away.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to go for a walk in town.” I said, standing up.

Carlisle smiled.

“That is fine. Are you sure you can handle it?” I knew he was asking about the humans’ blood and their scents.

“I’m sure. I just hunted a few days ago.” I gave both my parents one last hug and headed out the door.

The day was cloudy, as usual. The sun was in hiding and probably wouldn’t show itself for a while.

I picked up my skirts and ran through the woods. I could see everything as though I was looking through a looking glass. Everything, from the veins on a leaf to the ants running up the side of a tree.

As I ran by, animals cowered. Their chattering stopped. They could sense the danger of what I was. Predator. They had instincts to keep away and hide.

I was sad that they were scared of me. Even though they were just animals, it made me think of my father. I didn’t want anything afraid of me.

I shook that thought out of my head and slowed down as I neared Chicago. I could hear car horns honking as people darted out in front of them. I could hear people chatting in little cafés and the clinking of their dishes.

It was still a bustling city, though it was Saturday afternoon.

I searched for a path near the woods so I wouldn’t look suspicious walking out of the woods. I found a little park that was hidden from the road and took a well trodden path out to a sidewalk.

I kept to the inside of the sidewalk so I wouldn’t brush against any humans. They would be shocked to find my skin cold.

Their scents flowed around me. Rose, cocoa, honey suckle. The best smelling things you could smell in the world. But I continued walking, ignoring the burn in my throat.

I walked past shops and restaurants. Past newsboys and beggars. I would hear women talking about worries and their husbands. The men talked about new cars and cigars.

I smiled as a little girl, about the age of five, stopped in front of a toy shop. She peered in at the copious amount of dolls sitting on the shelves. You could see longing in her eyes.

She turned away when her mother tugged on her sleeve.

“Come on, Sarah. Time to go, darling.” The girl pouted, but placed her hand in her mothers.

I wished there was a little girl that would hold my hand. A little girl that would call me ‘Mommy’ and beg me for a pretty doll. But I would never be able to have that chance.

I briefly remembered the vile monster that had bit me. The bright red eyes clouded my mind and I had to shake my head to rid it of the thoughts.

I would someday find that creature and tare her apart.

I wasn’t paying attention to the people on the sidewalk and I ran into a warm body.

I snapped out of my thoughts and quickly looked up at the face of the person I ran into.

Emerald green eyes stared at me in shock. Red-brown hair spread lazily across his head.

The man looked to be about sixteen, maybe a little older. He was just a boy. I chuckled.

He was lanky but strong. He was about six feet tall and I looked puny next to him, my five foot four reaching to just below his shoulders. He was handsome, if I say so myself.

I scanned the man in front of me to see if I had hurt him, the motion too fast for his human eyes.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I found nothing wrong with him.

“I’m terribly sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” I said looking down at my hands. I had to pull myself away from those captivating green eyes. I didn’t want to scare the man away when I wouldn’t stop staring.

He shook himself out of his stupor.

“No, it was my fault. I was in a hurry. Do forgive me.” He found my eyes again.

I smiled.

“You are forgiven, though I still think it was mostly my fault.”

A crooked smile appeared on his lips.

“Well, if you think so. I shall forgive you anyways.” He brushed a hand through his already messy hair.

“Thank you.” I said.

I waited for a few minutes, not quite sure what to do. People still swarmed around us, not noticing us in the way.

“I’m Edward Masen.” He broke the silence, introducing himself. His hand reached for mine.

I hesitated and then shook his warm hand, hoping in vain that he wouldn’t notice my cold, rock-like hand. A shock went up through my arm as I placed my hand in his and I quickly pulled away.

Edward clenched his hand, a puzzled look clouding his face. Maybe he felt the same electric shock as I had.

“I’m Isabella Cullen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I offered back.

“Likewise, Miss Cullen.” Edward smiled down at me.

“I’m sorry to be rude, but I must get back home. Good day, Mr. Masen.” I nodded and stepped around him.

“Yes, good day Miss Cullen.” He waved and walked away.

I hurried toward the woods, eager to be away from human sight.

I was embarrassed to say the least, that I had put danger on a human. I couldn’t believe that I could have been so careless. I had to watch where I was going.

I remembered those brilliant green eyes. They wouldn’t erase from my mind. They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

No, I couldn’t be thinking about that. It wasn’t right. I had to think of something else. I didn’t want to get too close to a human, only to have him die. That would hurt something fierce.

I sat down in a green patch of grass. I had to get control of myself before I went back home.

Edward’s scent hadn’t bothered me so much. But it was still hard to get over. It was between the smell of freshly cut grass and apple.

I shook my head, riding them of the thoughts. That was not a good way to think of human. That would only make me thirst for him more.

I sighed and got back up. I was never going to truly ever get him out of my mind.
  





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Tue Jan 06, 2009 10:50 pm
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Night Mistress says...



Hey,

Yes! she finally met Edward. I like it on how to describe this meeting between the two. So i am guessing that he comes into the family next or does some one else.

I really like the Cullen crest. It reminds me of Aslan from The chronicles of Narnia.

So her necklace, is it like the one that rosalie wear in the movie or is it like Alice's?

Well, I look forward to reading more.

see ya around.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:21 pm
Kakali says...



Hey, I won't nit-pick to much.

I smiled a wide smile at them.


Carlisle smiled.


I smiled as a little girl, about the age of five, stopped in front of a toy shop.


A crooked smile appeared on his lips.


“Likewise, Miss Cullen.” Edward smiled down at me.


Use some other words than "Smiled" and "smile" its an overused word, other than that, its a very well-written chapter.
LONG LIVE LOVE
  





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Wed Jan 28, 2009 9:25 am
Meep(: says...



[quote="writ3rindisguis3]Today was September thirteenth, or in other words, my birthday. This would be my fifth years as a vampire.[/quote]
Fifth year, singular form. Not years.

I was away from my abusive father

Forgive me if I forget, but did you mean for Charlie to be abusive? I can't remember.

I would someday find that creature and tare her apart.

Tear, not tare.

I was embarrassed to say the least, that I had put danger on a human.

'Put danger on a human' doesn't sound right to me. Maybe you should switch it to 'Put a human in danger'?

I was never going to truly ever get him out of my mind.

Just my opinion, the love at first sight thing is a a bit unbelievable to me.
Especially when you put 'never'.

But it was a good piece nevertheless.
Keep writing! :D
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"
  





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Thu Jan 29, 2009 1:59 am
BobcatPoet says...



There is just something about the turmoil and longing in that book that kept drawing me in.
(shouldn't this be keeps?)

Today was September thirteenth, or in other words, my birthday.
(Again, this is being told in the present, and in first person. It should be Today is September thirteenth....)

I'm noticing a lack of adjectives. Try plugging more description in to offer a more clear view for the reader.

I was happy though that Carlisle and Esme were my parents now.
(I am happy. Is this story supposed to be in the present, or a story being told?)

I got up off the couch and smoothed my skirts.
(skirt not skirts?)

I walked out of my room at a human speed. I would do this only when I was still thinking about things.
(Must become clearer, I'm sorry, but this site forces you to cut it down and still make it just as sweet as the longer version would be.)

Okay, this just keeps going on and on and on and on...... you need to detail your writing. Engulf us with a defying description, astonish us with adjectives, surprise us with splashes of mental picturing, and all that juicy crap I can say *excuse my language, it's just the way I am*. Your piece definately does have potentiol, but you must take heed of your mistakes and utterly oppose any future error. It's hard work, but if this is just a practice story I recommend not posting it until it has been edited on more that one occasion by you and others. Keep it up, though, I want to see how much your talent develops, and you definately are on the road to becoming a successful writer.
Kendall- The best writer is never done improving his novels.
  





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Sat Jan 31, 2009 5:30 am
huggybear123 says...



Wow!

I couldn't believe how well you captured Stephenie Meyer's style! You have a really good grasp on the character's, too.

I could imagine that very scene being in Twilight itself. Wonderful, but sort of sad at the same time. Did you continue this? Why would Alice see Bella leaving?

I love your romantic declarations of love, by the way. If some guy told me that, I'd melt. Well, okay, I'd probably think they were cheesy in real life, but they're great in your story.

Anyway, as I said before, what impressed me the most was the way you captured Steph Meyer's smooth, easy-reading tone. Good job.
  








That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead