z

Young Writers Society


Welcoming Freedom Chapter 10



User avatar
64 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 64
Tue Dec 30, 2008 4:57 pm
writ3rindisguis3 says...



Thank you for the reviews! I hope you like this chapter!

Chapter 10

Moving In


Carlisle took the golden key out of his pocket and placed it in the lock. With a swift movement of his arm, Carlisle swung open the front door.

It was dark inside the family-sized house. Sunlight tried to peek through the closed curtains. Still, I could see everything as if all the lights were on.

Carlisle flicked on the gas lamps around the house. Each one turned on sluggishly, lighting the room little by little. I wanted to urge them on, but I thought it might look a little strange talking to the lamps.

There was a stone fireplace in the far right corner of the main room. A tan colored couch sat in front of it, two tables on the end of both sides. There was a book case filled with some of Carlisle’s books a few feet away from the fireplace. It was in a good position that if you wanted to read a book, since you could just grab one from the shelf.

It was a cozy little home, something I would’ve liked if I got married and settled down. Though that was impossible for me now since I couldn’t marry a human anymore. And I haven’t seen any other vampires around.

Carlisle showed us the rest of the house and Esme sighed as she took in the loveliness of it. Every time she did, Carlisle would smile at me. I would smile back, glad that he was happy.

After the tour was done, we began to unpack our things. The clouds were beginning to fade and the sun shone more predominately through the trees. Our skin sparkled like the Crown Jewels themselves.

I walked down the hall to my room. I looked at the end of the hall to the door that Carlisle had not shown Esme and me. I wonder what could be in there, I thought, shrugging and opening my door.

The room wasn’t small but it wasn’t big either. It was just right for a person like me. A bay window was in the back of the room and a couch sat in front of it. There was no bed, as I didn’t have a need for one.

A few shelves lined the wall, so I began placing things on them. My books went on the shelf that was above my writing desk for I would be reading them constantly.

As soon as I was done unpacking all my things, I went to help Esme and Carlisle unpack the rest. Though they probably had everything in order already.

Esme flitted about, tidying this shelf or that picture because it was hanging crooked. I had never seen her work so fast.

I giggled, which earned a glare from Esme. I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing.

“I think Carlisle may need help with something outside.” She said, waving a hand towards the door.

“Yes, Esme.” I replied.

Carlisle was just shutting the car door as I walked out of the house. He had put the top back up on the car, just in case the weather decided to change its mind and rain on us.

He looked up and smiled at me.

“Need any help, dad?” I asked.

His eyes twinkled at the word.

“No, I already got it all.” He walked to my side.

“Okay.”

I waited a few seconds before I asked my question.

“I have a question.” I looked at him. He grinned.

“And what is that?”

“There was one room you didn’t show us…May I ask why?” I glanced away shyly, staring at a lonely deer that was eating some grass. Her head popped up and stared at me.

I heard him chuckle as he opened the front door for me. I stepped through and waited for his answer.

“Hmm…Well, would you like to see what is inside?” A mischievous grin was pulling at his lips. That wasn’t a good sign.

I nodded my head, apprehension forming, and followed him down the hall and past my door.

Carlisle loved to surprise Esme and me. He takes a great joy in it. Though I don’t know why, because I have told him that I didn’t like surprises a million times before. He doesn’t ever listen. Carlisle.

Esme enjoys them, though. Her face shows her happiness when Carlisle hands her something unexpectedly. There is always a bright smile that is followed by a trembling, thankful smile. I could see her with tears streaming down her face, if only we could cry.

Esme held Carlisle’s hand and I felt that she already knew what was in that last room. I glared at them both. I didn’t like it when two people were in on it. That made the surprise even bigger.

“Don’t be that way, darling. We know just how much you’ll love us once you see inside. Go open it.” Carlisle said.

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion but proceeded to the door. I placed my hand on the cool metal and twisted the knob.

My gasp turned into squeals as I saw the new, shiny piano before me. It was smaller than the one we left behind, but it was still a piano.

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” I said, tackling both Carlisle and Esme with hugs and kisses.

They chuckled at my excitement.

I jumped back and flew to the piano. I sat down at the stool and placed my fingers on the new piano’s keys. Their silky smooth texture felt wonderful against my stone hard skin.

My laughter echoed through the room as I pressed down on the keys, a low and high C being played. It was so beautiful that I wanted to run and tell everyone.

“Thank you!!!” I said gleefully. I couldn’t help myself from bouncing on the seat.

My mother and father laughed.

“You are quite welcome.” Esme cooed.

And with that, I turned back to the piano and played a lively, happy tune.
Last edited by writ3rindisguis3 on Sun Jan 04, 2009 10:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





User avatar
58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1475
Reviews: 58
Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:47 pm
LilyJamey says...



Okay, I've already promised myself to review this. I've been following this for quite a while now. Critiquing will make me feel less guilty about my lack of previous reviews.

writ3rindisguis3 wrote:Carlisle took the golden key out of his pocket and placed it in the lock. With a swift movement of his arm, Carlisle swung open the front door.

It was dark inside the family size house.*1* Sunlight tried to peek through the closed curtains. Still, I could see everything as if all the lights were on.

Carlisle flicked on the gas lamps around the house. Each one turned on with a great slowness,*2* lighting the room little by little. I wanted to urge them on, but I thought it might look a little strange talking to the lamps.

There was a stone fireplace in the far right corner of the main room. A tan colored couch sit *3* in front of it, two tables on the end of both sides. There was a book case filled with some of Carlisle’s books a few feet away from the fireplace. It was in a good position that if you wanted to read a book, *4*you could just grab one from the shelf.

It was a cozy little home, something I would’ve liked if I got married and settled down. Though that was impossible for me now since I couldn’t marry a human anymore. And I haven’t seen any other vampires around.

Carlisle showed us the rest of the house and Esme sighed as she took in the loveliness of it. Every time she did, Carlisle would smile at me. I would smile back, glad that he was happy.

After the tour was done, we began to unpack our things. The clouds were beginning to fade and the sun shone more predominately through the trees. *5* Our skin sparkled like the Crown Jewels themselves.

I walked down the hall to my room. I looked at the end of the hall to the door that Carlisle had not shown Esme and me. I wonder what could be in there, I thought, shrugging and opening my door.

The room wasn’t small but it wasn’t big either. It was just right for a person like me. A bay window was in the back of the room and a couch sat in front of it. There was no bed, as I didn’t have a need for one.

A few shelves lined the wall, so I began placing things on them. My books went on the shelf that was above my writing desk for I would be reading them constantly.

As soon as I was done unpacking all my things, I went to help Esme and Carlisle unpack the rest. Though they probably already had everything in order already. *6*

Esme flitted about, tidying this shelf or that picture because it was hanging crooked. I had never seen her work so fast.

I giggled, which earned a glare from Esme. I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing.

“I think Carlisle may need help with something outside.” She said, waving a hand towards the door.

“Yes, Esme.” I replied.

Carlisle was just shutting the cars’*7* door as I walked out of the house. He had put the top back up on the car, just in case the weather decided to change its mind and pour down rain on us.*8*

He looked up and smiled at me.

“Need any help, dad?” I asked.

His eyes twinkled at the word.

“No, I already got it all.” He walked to my side.

“Okay.”

I waited a few seconds before I asked my question.

“I have a question.” I looked at him. He grinned.

“And what is that?”

“There was one room you didn’t show us…May I ask why?” I glanced away shyly, staring at a lonely deer that was eating some grass. Her head popped up and stared at me.

I heard him chuckle as he opened the front door for me. I stepped through and waited for his answer.

“Hmm…Well, would you like to see what is inside?” A mischievous grin was pulling at his lips. That wasn’t a good sign.

I nodded my head, apprehension forming, and followed him down the hall and past my door.

Carlisle loved to surprise Esme and I. He took a great joy in it. Though I don’t know why, because I have told him*9* that I don’t like surprises. He doesn’t ever listen. Carlisle.

Esme enjoys the surprises though. Her face shows her happiness when Carlisle surprises her with something.*10* There is always a bright smile that is followed by a trembling, thankful smile. I could see her with tears streaming down her face, if only we could cry.

Esme held Carlisle’s hand and I felt that she already knew what was in that last room. I glared at them both. I didn’t like it when two people were in on it. That made the surprise even bigger.

“Don’t be that way, darling. We know just how much you’ll love us once you see inside. Go open it.” Carlisle said.

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion but proceeded to the door. I placed my hand on the cool metal and twisted the knob.

My gasp turned into squeals as I saw the new, shiny piano before me. It was smaller than the one we left behind, but it was still a piano.

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” I said, tackling both Carlisle and Esme with hugs and kisses.

They chuckled at my excitement.

I jumped back and flew to the piano. I sat down at the stool and placed my fingers on the new piano’s keys. Their silky smooth texture felt wonderful against my stone hard skin.

My laugh echoed*11* through the room as I pressed down on the keys, a low and high C being played. It was so beautiful that I wanted to run and tell everyone.

“Thank you!!!” I said gleefully. I couldn’t help myself from bouncing on the seat.

My mother and father laughed.

“You are quite welcome.”*12* Esme said.

And with that, I turned back to the piano and played a lively, happy tune.


1. 'family-sized house', I think.
2. Grr. I hate the word 'slowness', but it seem absolutely necessary here. Still, if you could change it...
3. 'sat' instead of 'sit'.
4. Is there a 'since' missing here?
5. Wait, what? I thought the light hidden behind curtains?
6. You defied the law of Repetition! Only one 'already', hun.
7. There's only one car door he's closing, right? The apostrophe should come before the s, then.
8. The sentence structure doesn't flow well. Maybe take out the 'pour down'?
9. Sudden formality here. If all the other 'have's and 'am's and 'is's are contracted, this one should be too.
10. Try not to say 'surprise' so much. You said it in 3 sentences in a row!
11. 'laughter' instead?
12. See 9.

Oh yea, and try using commas to your advantage. I see too many sentences beginning with 'I' here. Overall it was a good chappie, but I wish each chapter ran things a little faster. Of course, this and all my other suggestions are entirely up to you.

8/10. Keep writing, I'll be waiting!

Cheers,
Lily.
Got YWS?
  








Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg