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silent Hill: Requiem- chapter 2



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Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:40 am
Maki-Chan says...



The walls were pure white, making me feel like I was in another world. There was no ground, no sky, and no end. It must have been hours while I just sat, staring into the nothingness. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t bored, I wasn’t anything. I just sat down, never thinking. I wasn’t asleep or awake, but rather somewhere in between. At the time I didn’t even think about even that. I didn’t care.
A cold breeze stroked my back, making me look behind. A prison barred door had appeared. It wasn’t there before. I twisted my body around and began to crawl towards the door. I didn’t try to get up. I just knew my legs would be too weak to pick me up. Grabbing the horizontal bars I pulled myself up. On the other side of the door it was just black. Normally I would have been afraid, since I hate the dark; however this time was different. I just stretched my arm through the bars, reaching towards something unknown. I waited and waited, but then I pulled my hand back.
I shriek. My hand was all bloody and it was holding an equally blood-spattered metal baseball bat. Slowly, I staggered away from the door, still holding the baseball bat. “Won’t you come play with me?”
The voice, it was playful and childlike. It only made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I recognized the voice. “Alex! Is that you?” I shouted out.
The voice chuckled. “ Play with me.”
I kept on calling out. “Alex! Alex where are you!”
“ I won’t tell you. You’re dirty.” The voice probably meant the blood that tainted my body.
I pushed myself against the door, dropping the bat. “W-Wait! Don’t go!” I cried.
The sound of footsteps came towards me, and even though I was now very afraid, I still kept against the door. “A-a-Alex, is that you?” I stuttered.
No response, but that didn’t stop what happened. As I placed my head closer to the gap between the bars, the sound of a gunshot went off, pain swept through out my face and then nothing.

“Ahhhhahahahaha…haha.” I gasped out for air.
I looked over, seeing the road. I had fallen asleep in my car. Now, I remember. On the way, I was driving m-my car broke down.
I tried my best to forget the dream, but it still lurked in my memories. “Well, I guess I better call a tow truck.” I thought aloud, trying to comfort myself.
I pulled out my cell phone and tried to call, but it had no signal. “Great, just great.” I moaned.

Walking down the empty highway, I made my way closer to Silent Hill. I had decided that I would pack everything I needed in a large hiker’s backpack I had in my car, and try to hitchhike; unfortunately so far, it wasn’t working very well. I must have been walking for hours before a car finally drove down the old road. I made my way towards the side, and motioned my hand out, making sure my thumb was visible. The car slowed down, and pulled towards the curb. “Holy shit.” I whispered in disbelief
The person driving the car was Sera. “Hey stranger.” She giggled.
I stuttered. “W-what are you doing here?”
She smiled. “Well, I was thinking about what you said, and I want to help you.”
I looked away. I wanted to say, "I don't need your help, you stupid bitch." But since I was in the middle of nowhere, and she had offered me a ride, I had no choice but to accept. I had no choice but to accept. “Thanks.”

As the scenery of the outside world sped past the window, I tried to relax; however, it seemed that I couldn’t relax in the presence of Sera. She kept on asking questions. She just didn't know when to speak and when not too. She was overpowering. “Beth, why hasn’t anyone really tried looking for Alex?” She finally made it to that question.
I just shrugged, not really paying attention. Sera continued, “Don’t you think it’s a bit strange, almost like everyone wanted her to be forgotten?”
I already knew that genius. There was a long pause between us. I guess Sera finally stopped talking. The sounds of the car driving were so soothing. I don’t remember when I fell asleep.

The cement was cold against my soft warm cheek. Slowly I opened my eyes. I was in a dark room, though some light poured in through a window. I was sitting in a kitchen. It was a small kitchen, but it was mostly empty. Only the cabinets, an oven and the fridge remained. I stood up to take a close look at them. “Wow.” I whispered.
The cabinets were all burned and the oven and fridge were rusty and aged. The air in the room was stuffy and old. Rubbing my head I looked at the ground. “How did I get here?”
It finally hit me. I began to shake, and my heart beated faster. I was too afraid to speak. I was alone, in an unfamiliar place; a place that I had no memory of ever being in. I felt somewhat dizzy, so I tried to find a way out of this position I had gotten into. There was a strange gurgling noise behind me. Slowly I looked over to see a strange creature. It had a moist look to its moldy green skin, making its flesh look stretched and peeled. Seeming like vomit was smeared all over its body. The smell made my stomach turn, reminding me of a rotting human corpse. The creature stumbled towards me. Its limbs were nothing more than just stubs with barbed wire stitched into them. Every step it made, disgusting brown blood from its stubby legs created new pools across the floor.
My heart was about to erupt from my chest it was just pounding way too fast. The living corpse staggered closer to me, and I stepped back away from it. The barbed wire poking out of its stubby legs slithered towards me. I didn’t notice till they had wrapped around my legs, and made me fall. I screamed from the pain of the barbed wire digging into my legs, as it hauled me closer to it. I struggled, and grabbed onto a pipe sticking out of the floor. “S-some one help me.” I whimpered.
My head felt light and my body woozy. My vision began to darken, and my grip on the pipe weakened.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:18 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:13 am
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Mars says...



Hello Maki! Sorry, it took awhile for me to get to this. Anyway, I don't have any gripes overall: your plot is going, your characters are good. So I'll just point out a couple of things that stuck out.
Quote: The voice meant the blood that tainted my body.
How does Beth know?
Quote: “Now, I remember. On the way, I was driving m-my car broke down.” I mumbled.
She doesn't need to be saying this out loud if she's alone.
Quote: I made my way closer to Silent Hill. I decided that I would pack everything
Should be 'I had decided, since she decided this before making her way closer to Silent Hill.
Quote: I wanted to say, ‘I don’t need your help you stupid bitch.” but since I was in the middle of nowhere, and she offered me a ride. I had no choice but to accept.
Whoa! Some rephrasing is needed here, since it doesn't make sense this way. Try, 'I wanted to say, "I don't need your help, you stupid bitch." But since I was in the middle of nowhere, and she had offered me a ride, I had no choice but to accept.' It's just a few grammar-y things, but they make a big difference.
Quote: I tried to relax. It seemed that I couldn’t relax...
You could connect these two sentences easily: 'I tried to relax, but it seemed that I couldn't in the presence of Sarah.' It's less repetitive that way.
Quote: She just doesn’t know when to speak and when not too. She was overpowering.
Careful with your tenses! Your whole story is in past tense, but then you say 'doesn't.' It should be 'didn't.' And the too should actually be a to, with one o.
Quote: “Don’t you think it’s a bit strange, almost like everyone wanted her to be forgotten.”
Question mark? Since it's a question?
Quote: I already knew that genius.
Italicize this, because it's Beth's thought. Also, I know you said that there was a reason for Beth's dislike of Sera, but this could be a good place to say something like, Sera's insight surprised me! or something. And, also, since this is written first-person Beth, and we know her thoughts and everything, shouldn't we already know why Beth hates her? Just a thought. But I'm sure you have this all planned out, I'm just really curious :D
Your last three paragraphs: EWWWW! But in a good way! Nice description of that...thing.
Hope this helped, even though it was all my nit-picking. PM me for anything!
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 9:23 am
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Ethan- says...



Hello Maki-chan,
Just read this and;

-The door.
A prison barred door had appeared. It wasn’t there before, but it didn’t matter.


Please reconsider taking out or replacing the 'didn't matter line' because it did not fit. You see, it it did not matter, Beth won't she just ignored the door and not edge towards it later?

-It was dark.
How did Beth know the room was pure white and there was no door if it was dark? I understood that it was a dream and everything goes in a dream just as the sudden appearance of the baseball bat in her hand but try not to make it confusing.

-Wake up Beth.
“Ahhhhahahahaha…haha.” I panted

I don't know but this kind of things sort off threw me off. You could say she gasped to wake or something.

-The Deus-Ex-Sera
Finally, here comes Sera. I was expecting that she had something to do with this story. Nothing is bad about her here. Only I wish there was more. Kind of felt sorry for her.

-The Dreams
Twice? I don't like the first dream but the second one - loved it. It was well done, only take out the "Wow" part because it was a strange thing to say when you're scared.

-The monster
The monster staggered

Replace 'the monster' with the thing, corpse-like figure, creature, etc. because for me monster just too boring. Just an opinion though.

Well Maki-Chan that's all from me. Overall it is a good chapter, Beth isn't in silent hill yet and already the nightmare started. Wonder what it would be like if she arrives there.
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