Young Writers Society

Chapter 3

Kel wandered in a black space. What’s going on? She thought. She wandered around until she saw a person.

“Hello?” she asked as she approached them. As she got closer, she noticed that the person was rather short.

There’s only one person I know who’s that short, she thought as she got even closer. The person had shoulder length flaming red hair.

“Lady Alanna?” Kel asked. The person turned to look at her. Their eyes were a startling vivid purple color.

“Keladry, what are you doing here? Why are you in my head?” Alanna asked, surprised.

“I could ask you the same question,” Kel said.

“Keladry…” Alanna began.

“Kel, Lady Alanna. Nobody calls me Keladry any more,” Kel stated smiling.

“Alright, then. Kel, have you been having dizzy spells?” Alanna asked.

“Yeah and I have been really hot lately too,” Kel answered.

“So, it’s not only me,” Alanna said to herself thoughtfully.

“What’s going on?” Kel asked.

“I don’t know, but our bodies are being attacked by an unknown illness,” Alanna said. “Someone is obvious try to kill us.”

“But why?” Kel asked. A green light flooded the whole space.

“Neal,” Kel whispered.-Back to the real world-

Kel opened her eyes and looked around. Neal and Dom were by her bedside.
“What happened?” she asked, voice cracking.

“You fainted,” Dom said as he picked up her hand. He ran his thumb over her knuckles.

Neal watched them. What is he doing? He thought. Am I jealous? He asked himself. No, I’m not – I have Yuki.

“So what happened? Are you alright?” Neal asked earnestly, trying to distract his mind from his current train of thought.

“I don’t know, I just got really dizzy all of a sudden,” Kel said as she sat up in the bed.

“I think you should stay in bed,” Neal said, “At least for a while.”

“But…” Kel started.

“But nothing,” Neal said.

“Alright,” Kel said, “by the way, where is Yuki?”

“Oh no, I left her when you collapsed,” Neal said, “She’s probably mad at me now.” He rushed out of the room.

Dom and Kel looked after him, and then Dom turned back to Kel and moved closer to the bed.

“I’m glad you’re alright, Kel. I would hate to lose you,” Dom said softly.

“Well, I suspect that you wouldn’t get rid of me that easily,” Kel joked. Dom leaned in closer, raised his hand to her cheek and stroked it.

Oh my god she thought He is going to kiss me.

His lips met hers softly. He moved to sit on the bed and put an arm around the small of her back. Her hand slid up to his chest and around his neck. He deepened the kiss just a little bit.

“Kel!” someone yelled from down the hall. The two sprung apart, red-faced.

“I’m sorry, Kel. I shouldn’t have done that.” Dom said as he got up and quickly left the room.

“Dom, wait!” Kel said. All of the sudden, she was thrown into a coughing fit. She put her hand to her mouth, and then pulled her hand away, discovering to her distaste that it was covered in blood.
“What is happening to me?” she whispered to herself.

“Kel,” Raoul said as he walked into the room, “I heard that you collapsed. Are you alright?” He spotted the blood on her hand. “You’re bleeding. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “But I think it’s best to get to Corus as soon as possible after the wedding, sir.”

Raoul nodded. “I suppose I’ll leave you to rest then,” he said frowning worriedly, and left the room.
Kel lay down and closed her eyes allowing a deep sleep to envelope her peacefully.

I have pretty much the same problems with this as I did with your other two, so I'm not going to bother repeating them. The two main ones that stood out for me here were
1: That Alanna immediatly knew someone was trying to kill them by an unknown ilness. That just wouldn't happen, and it seems weird that she's so positive about it.
2: That Neal rushes off from someone who is bleeding and has just fainted. His love for Yuki can only take him so far, and from what I've read Neal is much more devoted to his healing than you make him out to be.
I do like the direction the plot line is going in, and the kiss was good, although if you could add more discription, make that part more real and not so brief it would be nice. Anyways, keep trying. I hope you don't give up.

I don't think i will continue since i having such bad comments towards this. i knew it was a bad idea to post this on here.

i do accpeicate you looking at this.

it doesn't matter. i haven't read the story in a long time. i don't have the time to read the series again because of school. i picked this back up, thinking i could finished this without reading the book, appearing i was wrong.