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Prologue and Chapter One- Lost



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Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:30 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



Prologue

People tend to stereotype a lot of things, I’ve noticed. Gothics are evil, devil worshippers. Blondes are dim witted. Females, especially young ones, are weak and helpless in most instances.

I love proving them wrong. Nothing about anything has a set standard or normal, for there is no normal. We are all different. I even find it hilarious that I shock people by not being your typical fourteen-year-old blonde girl getting started with the life of a Hidden Mist ninja.

In the beginning, it was ridiculous. People doubted my abilities and were reluctant to trust me, and then they were stunned when I completed missions with more proficiency and accuracy than my fellows. I proved to be a quick thinker, a fast reactor, and a team leader. And this surprised them!

Gradually my abilities became more recognized and acknowledged. Villagers asked me to go on errands and missions more often, or they just wanted to talk to me about my progress. Younger students and ninja looked up to me, following me and trying to be like me. My peers and teammates wanted to be my best friends and work with me. I actually became popular.

But life is not simple. Imagine reaching such a level in your life, and then it’s shattered. Imagine having all that’s good taken from you in a single day, a single moment. Imagine losing everything. Imagine living in a world that bows to being normal, but then murders anything outstanding and different.

I have a special power, one only I can control. And this ruined my life. Me, being able to control fire, and my reputation and future, were shattered like glass. I was sentenced to die, and my life as a ninja was to be forgotten; to get to me and to wipe out the origins of my ability, my family was also to die.

But all I had the guts to do was run.

Shameful.



Chapter One – Lost


She was perched and alert, studying her surroundings. Ever since that day, she’d been hunted. Ever since she ran, it seemed she had to keep running. Even on the mainland, she was hunted. She had to run and fight to survive.

It had been a month. It was no longer early January, but early February. Hard to believe. She had gone a month so far, living on her own, family dead, and targeted.

She looked across the terrain. The beaches had disappeared. The island had long since vanished. Tropical forests had begun to give way to more temperate mountains. Pines, oaks, and many hills covered the land, occasionally cut into sheer cliffs and deep gullies by a passing river.

So beautiful a place, but so confusing. Winding roads intersected innumerable times. Villages were identical in composition, general location type, and culture. Back roads, which were merely game trails, led to nowhere. Literally.

This girl had come a month’s trip only to be lost in the heart of the continent? What a deal she’d made.

Movement below her drew her attention. Were the bandits still following her? Hard to say. She was absolutely still, absolutely quiet. The source of the movement came closer, closer, closer… She held her breath.

A deer stepped out of the shadows.

She relaxed, releasing her breath in a sigh. She had left her pursuers behind again. She was safe. She was still free. She dropped from the limb, startling the deer. She watched as it ran off, scattering the leaves and snow flurries as it went.

She walked for hours, heading nowhere. She only knew that she was moving west. Constantly. She had kept going, day after day, ever since she landed on the mainland’s shore. She followed the same general path, but to where?

That night found her at the mouth of a cave. It was desolate and secluded. Further inspection found it to be completely deserted and unused aside from occasional squads every few months.

She entered it, setting her pack down near the back wall. The cave was of decent size: bigger than her old home in the Land of Waves. She explored it, discovering a small dip in the center of the floor. It was smooth and lined by a fine black dust, soot. Stones circled the space, creating what was obviously a small fire pit. She nodded to herself, and set to work.

An hour later, she was sitting beside the small fire, limbs burning with the golden flame of her kekkei genkai. She was not able to create fire out of thin air; she used a metal blade against the stone to create spark before using her ability to turn the sparks into fire.

She sorted through the pack’s contents again, looking at the collection of items. All of it had been stolen at some point; being an orphaned runaway, she had no money or family to get things from.

The items included rusted, bent, and dull ninja tools, such as a kunai knife and several shuriken; there were mismatched clothes, either too big or too small for her somewhat curvy fourteen-year-old frame; a discarded journal and pens were stained by age; an old quilt was all that kept her warm in this winter; a wooden comb did not tend to her hair, long and golden, as a brush would.

She whimpered as she flipped the notebook open to the first page. Pictures had been sketched of herself, five other young teens, and three adults. All of them, except one man and the only woman, wore forehead protectors much like hers. The metal plaque had four “s” like symbols, representing the ninja community they all belonged to.

These were her friends. Her mother and stepfather stood in the background, next to her sensei. Her teammates were all locked arm-in-arm and grinning while her eight-year-old half-brother played in the foreground. All of them were smiling and seemed to be enjoying life. To think, this had happened only a month ago.

She took out a pen and flipped to the last page she had written or drawn on. She quickly wrote a small note in sloppy cursive: “Still lost. I hate my life now. Sincerely, Ayumi.”

She curled up next to the fire, beneath “her” quilt, as tears streamed from her eyes.




Dawn came again, fast and cold. More flurries had fallen outside, making the sheet of white even thicker.

Ayumi sat up, pulling her quilt tighter around her body. She shivered nonetheless; the fire was almost out. She quickly ventured into the open and retrieved more sticks, again using her kekkei genkai to revive the flame.

Dawn turned to morning, and the sun blazed. It began to warm up, soon to the point that she could pack the quilt into her bag. She withdrew power from the fire, absorbing the energy back into her body and soul, to use later on. She set her pack on her back, and finally headed out.

This trip would be different. She hadn’t gone for ten minutes when she heard whimpering and struggling. Just off the path, hidden by brush, was a puppy. It was alone, trembling, soaking wet, and caught by something. It yipped as it lunged, only to be snatched back to where it was.

“Hey, you,” Ayumi called, removing her bag. She set it on the ground, out of the way, and approached the little wolf.

It growled uncertainly, tugging at the rope wrapped around its neck and chest. The other end was bound to a tree.

“It’s okay,” she cooed, kneeling next to the puppy. “I won’t hurt you.”

Before she could do anything, though, a twig snapped behind her. She gasped, springing to her feet. A bad move. She tripped over the rope and fell back, her feet caught. It soon broke, and she kept falling… Before she realized it, she was hanging, suspended over a pit of bamboo spikes, only rope and a single metal wire holding her up.

“For a ninja, you are exceedingly clumsy,” a person spoke.

She gasped and looked up. There, his fingers closed around the metal wire, was a young man. Jet black hair hung in his face, the longer locks pulled into a horsetail. A ninja headband was tied around his forehead, the plaque slashed through the middle.

“A genin?” he asked, voice cool and soft, his black eyes emotionless.

She nodded hesitantly.

“Where’s the rest of your team? Your sensei?”

“I-I’m alone.”

He frowned. “Why?”

“I ran away. The villagers tried to kill me.”

She did not know what to expect from him. Would he turn her in to the foreign ANBU? Would he make her go back? Or would he condemn her and release the wire, letting her fall to her death?

He pulled on the thread, pulling her out of the pit. She was soon sitting near the edge, struggling to get untangled. He approached her, a kunai in hand. “Be still.”

She watched as he cut the rope, unwinding it from her limbs and tossing it aside. Closer to him, she could tell he was young. He couldn’t be more than seventeen. But, at the same time, he was skilled in the art of the ninja. He was smooth, steady, and accurate as he cut the rope. He was quiet as he moved. The only sounds were his breathing, his black cloak, and the metallic ring of the kunai. Ayumi looked over her shoulder at where the puppy had been; the rope had been cut by a shuriken.

As the last strand fell away, she backed away. She cowered in the shadows, watching him intently.

He scoffed. “You have no reason to fear me, kunoichi.”

She nodded after a moment. “Thank you.”

He nodded once, stood, and slapped snow off his black cloak. “Be more careful.”

Before she could even open her mouth, he turned and walked away, vanishing down the road as quickly as he had come. She was alone again.

She whispered as a breeze blew. “Okay.”
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Wed Oct 22, 2008 1:28 am
PsychicNinja says...



Yay!!! *tackelhuggles* Time to crit your stuff again, Audra-chan!

Critting as I read:
Gothics are evil, devil worshippers. Blondes are dim witted. Females, especially young ones, are weak and helpless in most instances.

Okay, I understand the comparison here, but the two things you are using are totally different: Gothics and blondes. If you want to make your point about stereotyping, I suggest using groups of people that are sort of similar. The whole "gothics" thing came totally out of nowhere and doesn't really pertain to the other topics: blondes and young girls. So I would either take that part out or simply change something else relating to blondes and young girls and put that there instead. :D

Nothing about anything has a set standard or normal, for there is no normal.

I find this bit a tad confusing. Nothing about anything...standard or normal (shouldn't it be 'norm'?)...I get what you're saying, but I had to read this three times to understand it! XD I would just take out the 'about anything' bit and use either standard or normal there.

I even find it hilarious that I shock people by not being your typical fourteen-year-old blonde girl getting started with the life of a Hidden Mist ninja.

Yes, to our world's standards, becoming a something that requires extreme commitment, physical and mental skill, and guts at the age of 14 is very shocking and extremely rare. However...in the glorious world of what we call Naruto, it isn't. And there are a handful of ninja in that world who were Chuunin at age 6. Killing or nearly killing people at age 6...right. But that's the world we're dealing with here. So people shouldn't be shocked by her move as a fourteen-year-old girl in becoming a ninja. However, they could be shocked by her move as...a shy person? low stamina? Ya know, something that would make people think that she just isn't capable? Well, anyway, they shouldn't ben surprised that she's a ninja because she's girl, that's for sure.

Also, this sentence is a bit awkward--I suggest rewording it. This is a total in-your-face, bomb sentence so you should make it more clear that she's a ninja for the Village Hidden in the Mist (and I believe that you should use the full name to intro it). I find it helpful when writing a fanfic to basically see your audience as people who haven't read any of ____(Naruto in this case), or have read just a bit of____. It's not because I think that people who haven't read Naruto will be your primary audience, but this way, you won't leave out important parts that need to be explained (perhaps a bit of jutsu explanation).

Anyway, I think you should reword it sorta like this: I even find it hilarious that people were shocked when I, not being your typical fourteen-year-old blonde girl, became a ninja for the Village Hidden in the Mist.

...Or something to that effect.

I proved to be a quick thinker, a fast reactor, and a team leader. [s]And this surprised them[/s]!

I would take out the last part. It gets a bit repetitive here.

Villagers asked me to go on errands and missions more often, or they just wanted to talk to me about my progress.

Technically the villagers wouldn't ask her, they would send their requests into the Mizukage's offices...

But life is not simple.

I would add a 'that' in there.

Imagine living in a world that bows to being normal, but then murders anything outstanding and different.

The things in the realm of Naruto are far from 'normal' and they embrace outstanding. So that bit doesn't work. But I like the bows and murders verbs. Good words. Anyway, being different, weird, and just plain odd is pretty "normal" for the world of Naruto.

I have a special power, one only I can control.

I think it's appropriate (necessary?) to use a dash here instead of a comma.

Me, being able to control fire, and my reputation and future, were shattered like glass.

Wait...she's from the Land of Water and she can control fire? Wouldn't this be more appropriate for a ninja from the Land of Fire...? XD Just kidding. Every ninja/person in the world of Naruto has a different kind of chakra that they are...well, born with. She may have fire, although it's more common for people born and raised where it snows quite frequently to to have water. You can also have her have more than one chakra type. Although I'm not sure if fire and water would work well together. :?
I was sentenced to die, and my life as a ninja was to be forgotten; to get to me and to wipe out the origins of my ability, my family was also to die.

Yay! And now you get to explain this, right? I'm excited!

Now for the actual chapter...
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Gender: Female
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Wed Oct 22, 2008 2:13 am
PsychicNinja says...



Rawr, I'm here for the chapter:

She was perched and alert, studying her surroundings.

I suggest using a better verb instead of 'was'. For example, 'sat'--just to give us a better mental image of what she's doing at the moment.

Ever since that day, she’d been hunted. Ever since she ran, it seemed she had to keep running. Even on the mainland, she was hunted.

A few things: The repetition of 'ever', 'since', and the repetition of the structure of these sentences. This is called anaphora and parallelism (I just finished studying this in English), by the way--the repeated use of a phrase, word, or sentence structure. It works very well when you're trying to make a significant point. However, I do hope you're not going to overuse this though; that can get quite annoying.

Oh, and what do you mean by "mainland"? You mean the mainland of the Naruto world, right? So you mean to say that she's hunted even...like in the Land of Fire? Geez! What did she do? XP

She had gone a month so far, living on her own, family dead, and targeted.

So is she the targeted one or her family? Is all her family dead? The way you used 'targeted' at the end of the sentence makes it seem like her family's the one being targeted. But aren't they all dead? Please clarify.

So beautiful a place, but so confusing.

'So' is one of those annoying words. I think you should use 'such' instead of the first 'so'. So it would read like this: "Such as beautiful place, but so confusing." Oh, and I think you should use another word instead of 'confusing'. If you think about it, 'confusing' is a bland word. Why is it confusing? Is it complicated? Or just plain hard to navigate?

Back roads, which were merely game trails, led to nowhere. [s]Literally.[/s]

I don't think you need this. Especially since the writing so far has not been ironic in the least. I think the reader will take your word for it that the back roads really led to nowhere.

This girl had come a month’s trip only to be lost in the heart of the continent? What a deal she’d made.

Shouldn't it be "Had this girl come..."? And I don't understand the "What a deal..." part. I hope this will be explained later. ^^

She had left her pursuers behind again. She was safe. She was still free. She dropped from the limb, startling the deer.

So at this point, I'm getting kind of annoyed. Not with your story, no. How you word it. Most of these sentences are simple sentences--just a few words. You use the pronoun 'she' too much. There are plenty of things you can use if you don't want to mention her name. Your verbs, such as "was" and "had" are bland and don't really explain a lot. My suggestion: Use a thesaurus, if you aren't already. They're great things.
Anyway, you are really using 'she' too much and it's frankly irritating. (Aren't I always frank?)

That night found her at the mouth of a cave.

I know this sort of thing is used, but I still don't get: The night found her? I would say, "That night, she found herself at the mouth of a cave, with..." and explain some of the cave's physical characteristics.

Further inspection found it to be completely deserted and unused aside from occasional squads every few months.

I think you should really clarify "ninja" here and use "ninja" or "ninja squads" (or even Konoha ninja squads, depending on which country she's in).

It was smooth and lined by a fine black dust, soot.

I would use 'and' as a connecting word there.

limbs burning with the golden flame of her kekkei genkai.

"tree limbs burning with the golden flame caused by her kekkei genkai.", maybe? i mean, we don't have basically any grasp of her powers, so you need to explain it in any detail that you possibly can (well, pertain to the situation, at least).

She sorted through the pack’s contents again, looking at the collection of items.

I do believe by this point you can mention her name. Unless there's a really specific reason that you can't.

a discarded journal and pens which were stained by age; an old quilt that was all that kept her warm in this winter; a wooden comb that did not tend to her hair, long and golden, as a brush would.

See bolded add-ins.

The metal plaque had four “s” like symbols, representing the ninja community they all belonged
to.

Well "s" like for us, but remember that Naruto may as well be taking place in Japan. You need to incorporate their culture. And I really can't say that any of the katakana or hiragana (I know them all now!) characters look like the Mist symbol....:?

She quickly wrote a small note in sloppy cursive: “Still lost. I hate my life now. Sincerely, Ayumi.”

See above comment.

She shivered nonetheless; the fire was almost out.

The fire would be out by dawn. Unless her power allows fire to burn longer?
There, his fingers closed around the metal wire, was a young man.

Hm...I wonder who? :wink:

A ninja headband was tied around his forehead, the plaque slashed through the middle.

So, my dear Audra. I did a bit of math (had to really stress the brain cells here) and I figured out that approximately at this point in your story, Naruto and the Konoha 12 are 5 years old, which means, of course, that Itachi can't be in the Akatsuki (well mostly because it didn't entirely exist here). Let me explain how I figured this bit out: You said her half-bro (Haku, I'm guessing) is 8. Haku is 15 when he is killed. 15-8=7. 12 (age of Sasuke and Naruto at start)-7=5. Naruto and Sasuke are 5 now. But...Sasuke and Naruto are 7(or 8?) when Itachi [s]saves the village[/s]kills the Uchiha. So he can't be in the Akatsuki. He joins Akatsuki after he defects. (And that's not he reason he defects, mind you. He defects so he can keep an eye on Madara, remember?)

[s]Closer to him[/s], she could tell he was young.

That doesn't work." As he got nearer..." Or something to that effect would work.

She whispered as a breeze blew. “Okay.”

Ooo, very mysterious ending. ^^
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Plot-wise, there's not much to say, since this is the very beginning. You have established that she is alone, is wandering, and is on the run. You have established that she has not family and that something terrible happened, which I hope you will go in depth to. I think it's a good start.
However, you overuse of the shorter sentence and pronoun 'she' started getting noticeable. And by noticeable, I mean that it started interfering with my understanding of the story. When people vary their sentence structure and word choice, people don't notice it as much (unless it's bad) and focus on the elements of the story. So, I think you should start varying to sentence structure and word choice more. You should have said her name earlier on, or had a significant reason as to why you didn't. Besides that, good work, and I hope to read more. PM or e-mail me when you have the next chapter posted.

~You-know-who :wink:
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  








Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana