Young Writers Society

The Hard Stand




This story is basted on a story and game called Halo. I decided to write a story from a point of view of a marine. The time takes place after the Covenant civil war (For the people that haven’t played or read the books, the Covenant civil war is when the alien race’s got into the war with them selves. One type of the race’s named the Elites joined our side.) This is also a chapter book, I recommend you to check my profile once a week on Sundays to read the new chapters.

Chapter 1
The hard assault

“Go go go,” a marine whispered, as I moved into firing position with my M67 pistol. “What’s the status soldier?” asked Commander. “Looks like the Covenant don’t even now that we just made an assault on one of their base.” I was tired and without energy after our last attack. I lost all my ammo, the only thing what was keeping me up was my girl friend Tex. It was her green eyes and blond straight smooth hair she had, it was her angled face and of course love that made me strong. We were sent on a mission; last night we located a ship crash in the west part of Africa so we sent a team to check what was inside of it. In that time we had to distract our enemies. “You alright?” Brandon asked me I only nodded looking at his powerful face that would never show fear if he was scared. He was always on the move. As we ran up to the side of the hill we saw a huge command post under us. “Get ready for a next offense attack marines, Anzi get to sniper position and stay up here, Vlad I want you to get that rocket launcher and cover us when the
big guys will enter the fight with us, you too Olli.” The Commander yelled, to keep my energy up I shouted out loud “Let them have it men.”

The introduction to this battle was me and Brandon throwing a grenade at a sleeping Hunter (One of the most power fullest of united confederation races. They are usually used for demolition or heavy defense. They are somewhere ten feet,) “Fire!” I yelled. I through a rope to the hole were was the Covenant camp and slide down well the other guys covered me. Finally the whole group was on the ground well Vlad, Olli and Anzi were covering us. I fired with my pistol at a Grunt (They are the basic infantry unit of the Covenant. They are 4-5 feet tall. They’re really strong in groups and have a really high voice.) until he laid dead. I ran to the dead creature and grab its weapon called the needler, As Sam and Brandon covered me with there assault rifles. To be quite honest I was guessing that we were losing the fight already by the dying voices of men. When I was just about to grab the neddler, my eyes widened up as they cached a huge foot stepping on the grunts weapon as I looked in the face of my enemy that was just about to kill me.

I'm taken... You used me as a characther. Why thank you *takes a bow*

And Olli as well.

Well here is my critt.

“Go go go,” a marine whispered, as I moved into firing position with my M67 pistol. “What’s the status soldier?” asked Commander.

Maybe try this:

“Go go go, [try using a . or a !... ditch the comma]” a marine whispered, as I moved into firing position with my M67 pistol. “What’s the status soldier?” asked (The)Commander(or insert a name here).


Then this:

I was tired and without energy after our last attack. I lost all my ammo, the only thing what was keeping me up was my girl friend Tex. It was her green eyes and blond straight smooth hair she had, it was her angled face and of course love that made me strong. We were sent on a mission; last night we located a ship crash in the west part of Africa so we sent a team to check what was inside of it. In that time we had to distract our enemies. “You alright?” Brandon asked me I only nodded looking at his powerful face that would never show fear if he was scared. He was always on the move.

Try this:

I was tired and without energy after our last attack. I lost (HAD) all my ammo, the only thing what was keeping me up was my girlfriend (Not girl friend) Tex. It was her green eyes and blond straight smooth hair she had, it was her angled face and of course love that made me strong.

(Put some paragraphing dude. Don't cramp all the text together) We were sent on a mission; last night we located a ship crash in the west part of Africa so we sent a team to check what was inside of it. In that time we had to distract our enemies.

(PARAGRAPHING) “You alright?” Brandon asked me (.) I only nodded looking at his powerful face that would never show fear if he was scared. He was always on the move.

And this:

As we ran up to the side of the hill we saw a huge command post under us. (press enter here) “Get ready for a next offense attack marines, Anzi get to sniper position and stay up here, Vlad I want you to get that rocket launcher and cover us when the (Hey no parragraphing within sentences dude.) big guys will enter the fight with us, you too Olli.”

I'll leave the rest for now......


Good work otherwise...

**********************************************************************************'''

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

i've never liked halo much so I'm not too sure of the whole plot, keeping in character thing here.

but i will say that you could maybe paragraph your work. I noticed you had it split into three paragraphs, but in the most awkward places (like the middle of a sentence). You could change paragraph when a new person starts talking, which can make dialogue easier to follow too.

You also explained things in brackets:

sleeping Hunter (One of the most power fullest of united confederation races. They are usually used for demolition or heavy defense. They are somewhere ten feet,)

Grunt (They are the basic infantry unit of the Covenant. They are 4-5 feet tall. They’re really strong in groups and have a really high voice.)

because i don't play the game, I'm not sure whether these are actually things from the game or just things you've made up. If they're from the game, most people who read Halo fanfiction will actually have played the game and know what you're talking about, thus no need to explain yourself.

I liked the way it ended, cliff hanged

to be completely honest i had no idea what the hell was going on during the whole time

i mean there is o location, no weather, no condition exept for the battle part----

change the your girls name from liek Tax or Tex to something that dosen't sound like a

big ass cowaboy---no offence---also click the enter after like three sentences to make it

more undertandable--- your just writing lik 50 sentence paragraphes

example.---
It was her green eyes and blond straight smooth hair she had, it was her angled face and of course love that made me strong. We were sent on a mission; last nightwe located

corection from my point of view---
It was her green eyes and blond straight smooth hair she had, it was her angled face and of course love that made me strong.
We were sent on a mission; last night we located

not only your story is bigger by doing that but you can also seperate subjects instead of

switching them around-----------till next time from Vlad, the dude you pout in your story

wow...you REALLY need to rework this. I'm just gonna rewrite the WHOLE thing, because almost every sentence is missing a little something...

Chapter 1

The Hard Assault(capitalize the title)

“Go go go,” a marine whispered(no comma) as I moved into firing position with my M67 pistol.(indent and when another person speaks you must start a new paragraph)

“What’s the status, soldier?” asked Commander. “Looks like the Covenant don’t even know that we just made an assault on one of their bases(many misspelled words).” I was tired and lacking(just a recommendation) energy after our last attack. I had lost all of my ammo, and the only thing that was keeping me up was my girl friend Tex. It was her green eyes, her blond, straight, smooth hair, and her angled face. And, of course, her love for me that made me strong. We were sent on a mission; last night we located a ship crash in the western part of Africa. So, we sent a team to check what was inside of it. In that time we had to distract our enemies.

“You alright?” Brandon asked me. I only nodded, looking at his powerful face that would never show fear, even if he was frightened. He was always on the move. As we ran up to the side of the hill we saw a huge command post under us. “Get ready for a next offense attack Marines. Anzi get to a sniper position and stay up here, and Vlad, I want you to get that rocket launcher and cover us. When the big guys will enter the fight with us, you too, Olli(i don't get this part at all),” the Commander yelled to keep my energy up.

I shouted out loud,“Let them have it, men.”

The introduction to this battle was me and Brandon throwing a grenade at a sleeping Hunter (One of the most power fullest of united confederation races. They are usually used for demolition or heavy defense. They are somewhere ten feet,)--[make that part into a description sentence, not some parentheses that removes you from the story]

“Fire!” I yelled. I threw a rope to the hole where the Covenant camp was and slid down while the other guys covered me. Finally, the whole group was on the ground, and Vlad, Olli and Anzi were covering us. I fired with my pistol at a Grunt (They are the basic infantry unit of the Covenant. They are 4-5 feet tall. They’re really strong in groups and have a really high voice.)--[once again, make this into a description sentence or 2, not in prentheses. Try never to even use parentheses] until he laid dead. I ran to the dead creature and grab its weapon called the needler as Sam and Brandon covered me with their assault rifles. To be quite honest, I was guessing that we were losing the fight already by the dying voices of men.

When I was just about to grab the needler, my eyes widened as they caught a huge foot stepping on the grunt's weapon. I looked in the face of my enemy that was just about to kill me.(you have way too many run-on sentences)

ok there you go. you need lots of work, but i know you can do it! sorry if that was too harsh...


Z_

That wasn't exactly...great. Oh well. Most of the issues have already been covered but I want to remind you again.

I through a rope

you through a rope? I think you mean threw a rope.

Well as said there is not much description. Remember, show is always better than tell

tell "I threw a rope" not very interesting

show "I threw a long rope down to the menacing, dark hole where the covenant base was," that is more interesting, no?

You do a lot of telling, but I was not very different when I started. You can, if you just want to, fix it and make your story a great one. Also drop down the () descriptions and describe them in a way that fits into the story without interrupting it.

For example: ...throwing a grenade at one of the massive Hunters as it was sleeping... We really don't need to know anything else than what they appear to the POV of the character.

Keep writing, I know you can,and will, improve