Young Writers Society

Catie hurried her pace as another frightfully cold gust hit her from the North. She looked around her; while trying to find a place to stay for the night, she buttoned her raggedy denim coat more closely to her body.

As she turned the corner of the small-town sidewalk, Catie saw a church adjoining a parochial school. Not stopping to look both ways before crossing the street, she was nearly hit by a mini-van possibly hurrying home from a football practice or even a ballet class.

Startled by Catie’s recklessness the mother yelled at her to watch where she was going. Catie’s only response was a spine-chilling glare as she made her way up the church’s front steps.

A gust of warm air greeted the lone girl as she opened the magnificently decorated, heavy oak doors. The footsteps of her worn rain boots echoed in the lobby, and even more so in the church itself.

Walking down the rows of wooden benches, she was seen by the life-like marble saints on the sides of the walls and the painted cherubs on the ceiling. And from the altar Jesus watched her on his cross.Randomly picking a pew directly under a dome in the ceiling with an unknown saint painted there, Catie plopped herself down. So Catie sat for quite some time, bored, but glad she was out of the irate wind.

She started to feel her eyes droop, and tried to fight it. But only a few moments later, she was fast asleep.

* * *

A loud ringing had startled her out of her slumber, and cursing to herself, Catie tried to go back to sleep. Then, an organ started to play, and she knew it would be impossible to fall asleep with the racket so Catie forced herself to open her eyes and sit up.

Looking every which way, she searched for the organ, and turning around, Catie found it at the back of the church in an open second floor. When she looked closer she could just see a large group of solemn faces with thin books in their hands, and a lady with a funny stick in her hand.

With a swish of the thing, the people began to sing, and the lady was going crazy with the stick she was holding. Almost immediately, Catie realized that the people were teens about the same age that she was. Curious, Catie got up and started to walk silently towards the group.

She cocked her head in confusion, for they were singing in something that was definitely not English. Because she wasn’t looking were she was going, Catie bumped into a table with crystal glasses filled with some unidentifiable liquids, and as she fell to the hard marble floor she squeezed her eyes shut in anticipation. When she fell with and echoing thump she realized the organ had stopped playing.

To shocked to yell in pain, Catie heard a series of shrieks and gasps and a chorus of footsteps hurrying downstairs and down the aisle to the spot where she lay.

Feeling a pair of strong hands sliding under her back, and lifting her halfway into someone’s lap, she opened her cold gray eyes to a pair of bright blue.

Okay well . . . I think I'll go through this with you step by step. Not trying to be mean, but that's just the way things work better for me.

Catie hurried her pace as another frightfully (Uhh, frighfully sounds a bit out of place here.) cold gust hit her from the North. She looked around her; while trying to find a place to stay for the night, she buttoned her raggedy denim coat more closely (Should possibly be closer) to her body.


As she turned the corner of the small-town sidewalk, Catie saw a church adjoining a parochial school. Not (Try to explain why she wasn't going to look both ways? Perhaps, Not bothering to stop and look both ways?) stopping to look both ways before crossing the street, she was nearly hit by a mini-van (Possibly? Try to not make it a question, more of a statement, such as Hurrying home from what might have beenfootball practice or even a ballet class) possibly hurrying home from a football practice or even a ballet class.


Startled by Catie’s recklessness the mother (Mother of what? The driver? How is this known?)yelled at her to watch where she was going. Catie’s only response was a spine-chilling glare as she made her way up the church’s front steps.


A gust of warm air greeted the lone girl as she opened the magnificently (Magnificently? try something a little bit more decriptive.) decorated, heavy oak doors. The footsteps of her worn rain boots echoed in the lobby, and even more so in the church itself.


Walking down the rows of wooden benches, she was seen by the life-like marble saints on the sides of the walls and the painted cherubs on the ceiling. And (Never start sentences with AND) from the altar Jesus watched her on his cross. Randomly picking a pew directly under a dome in the ceiling with an unknown saint painted there (The word there seems out of place, maybe - Randomly picking a pew directly under a dome in the ceiling with an unknown saint painted on it), Catie plopped herself down. (Try linking these two sentences up. Catie plopped herself down and sat for quite some time, bored, but glad she was out of the irate wind.) So Catie sat for quite some time, bored, but glad she was out of the irate wind.


She started to feel her eyes droop, and tried to fight it. (No need for period, put a comma here instead.) But only a few moments later, she was fast asleep.


* * *


A loud ringing had startled her out of her slumber, and cursing to herself, Catie tried to go back to sleep. Then, an organ started to play, and (Instead of the next part put - and, knowing it would be impossible to fall asleep with the racket, she forced herself to open her eyes and sit up.) knew it would be impossible to fall asleep with the racket so Catie forced herself to open her eyes and sit up.


Looking every which way, she searched for the organ, and turning around, Catie found it at the back of the church in an open second floor. When she looked closer she could just see a large group of solemn faces with thin books in their hands, and a lady with a funny (As in hilarious? maybe try odd-looking) stick in her hand.


With a swish of the thing (You've already stated that it was a stick, why not stick with . . uh . . well stick?), the people began to sing, and the lady was going crazy with the stick she was holding. Almost immediately, Catie realized that the people were teens about the same age that she was. Curious, Catie got up and started to walk silently towards the group.


She cocked her head in confusion, for they were singing in something that was definitely not English. (Don't start sentences with Because, And or But. Instead try Not looking were she was going,)Because she wasn’t looking were she was going, Catie bumped into a table with crystal glasses filled with some unidentifiable liquids, and as she fell to the hard marble floor she squeezed her eyes shut in anticipation. When she 9Landed? Not fell, unless you fall with an thump.) fell with and ( You must mean an?) echoing thump she realized the organ had stopped playing.


To shocked to yell in pain, Catie heard a series of shrieks and gasps and (Way too many ANDs, cut the sentence here and start a new one, A chorus of hurried footsteps fleeting downstairs and down the aisle to the spot where she lay.) a chorus of footsteps hurrying downstairs and down the aisle to the spot where she lay.


(She felt not Feeling.)Feeling a pair of strong hands sliding under her back, and lifting her halfway into someone’s lap, opening her cold gray eyes to a pair of bright blue.

Okay think that'll help?

I like your story it's very interesting. I'd like to read more of it.

you may want to proof read this. their are some parts that are unnecessary or dont sound right for example:

"Catie hurried her pace as another frightfully cold gust hit her from the North. She looked around her; while trying to find a place to stay for the night, she buttoned her raggedy denim coat more closely to her body."

you could say something like: "Catie, hurried her pace as another cold sweeping wind hit her from the north. Tightening her coat around her, she continued to search for a place to stay."

Something to that extent.


"As she turned the corner of the small-town sidewalk, Catie saw a church adjoining a parochial school. Not stopping to look both ways before crossing the street, she was nearly hit by a mini-van possibly hurrying home from a football practice or even a ballet class."

Could Be: Turning the corner of the sidewalk, she spotted a church adjoining a parochial school. not bothering to Look both ways before crossing the street, was nearly hit by a mini van hurrying home from a football game(or whatever)



well those are just a few. Light_Devil The Opposite Of A Dark_Angel pretty much said it. It also seems to lack flow. your story doesn't seem(this could just be me) to connect. Then again, it could be due to the fact that it's only just being started. whatever the situation may be, i'd like to read more