Young Writers Society

Sakura stared into the mirror of the changing room cubicle that she had incapacitated herself into. For the last hour, she had been frantically trying on every dress in the entire store.

'I have to look perfect. I can’t disappoint him by looking shabby. It, no I’ve got to be perfect!' this had been Sakura Haruno's new mantra ever since he had asked her to be his girlfriend and prom date. He, Uchiha Sasuke, was the most popular, sexy, intelligent, and cool and most worshiped boy that had ever graced the school premises. He even had three squadrons of dumb, drooling fan girls, aptly named Sasuke Fan Girl Squadrons one, two and three for God’s sake! And out of all the girls in the school that he could have chosen, he chose her. Sasuke.

His name made her shiver with excitement. The most plain, imperfect, geeky, dorky, ever-so-slightly mad girl was chosen by the heart throb God of the school. She was giddy, almost bouncing off the walls.

'This is the one!' It was a dark shade of pink to compliment her hair; a strapless 50’s affair, with not too much cleavage peeping through the corset top half, and plenty of knee length under skirting to accentuate her small waist. She knew that she would look like a princess if she had her hair done, and had some matching shoes on, not the scruffy purple converse that she currently bore on her feet. It was certain that he would approve of this, she nodded at the half made up princess in the mirror.

The curtain of the changing room was roughly drawn back, and bright blue eyes shined with approval. “Fore head! I see you’ve found the perfect dress. Now lets find some matching shoes!” a smile creased its way on to her face, as she picked up the redundant pile of dresses to return them to the rack. Sakura blushed “All thanks to you, Ino-pig! You are so much better at choosing clothes than me” she gave her a flying hug, nearly knocking them both to the floor.

“Well when my best friend needs to look perfect for her lover boy, naturally I have to deliver” she smiled as she got out the hug quick enough to dodge the hit on the arm from Sakura. Even though Ino was incredibly rich, fashionable and popular, she was down to earth, with wit and intellect to counter her good lucks and other people ruthlessly stereotyping her. She always made time for Sakura, even though people accosted her with vies for attention all the time, because they had been friends since birth.

[The rating applies for language and violence that occurs in later chapters.]

Spazztardchild wrote:Sakura stared into the mirror of the changing room cubicle that she had [s]incapacitated[/s] herself into. You can't incapacitate yourself into something, that doesn't make sense. For the last hour, delete this comma she had been frantically trying on every dress in the entire store.

'I have to look perfect. I can’t disappoint him by looking shabby. It, no, I’ve got to be perfect!' This had been Sakura Haruno's new mantra ever since he had asked her to be his girlfriend and prom date. He, Uchiha Sasuke, was the most popular, sexy, intelligent, [s]and[/s] cool and most worshiped boy that had ever graced the school premises. He even had three squadrons of dumb, drooling fan girls, aptly named Sasuke Fan Girl Squadrons one, two and three for God’s sake! And out of all the girls in the school that he could have chosen, he chose her. Sasuke.

His name made her shiver with excitement. The most plain, imperfect, geeky, dorky, ever-so-slightly mad girl was chosen by the heart throb God of the school. She was giddy, almost bouncing off the walls.

'This is the one!' It was a dark shade of pink to compliment her hair; a strapless 50’s affair, with not too much cleavage peeping through the corset top half[s],[/s] delete this comma too and plenty of knee length under skirting to accentuate her small waist. She knew that she would look like a princess if she had her hair done, and had some matching shoes on, not the scruffy purple converse that she currently bore on her feet. It was certain that he would approve of this, she nodded at the half made up princess in the mirror.

The curtain of the changing room was roughly drawn back, and bright blue eyes [s]shined[/s] shone with approval. “Forehead! Forehead is one word I see you’ve found the perfect dress. Now lets find some matching shoes!” [s]a[/s] A smile creased its way on to her face, as she picked up the redundant pile of dresses to return them to the rack. Sakura blushed “All thanks to you, Ino-pig! You are so much better at choosing clothes than me.” [s]s[/s]She gave her a flying hug, nearly knocking them both to the floor.

“Well, when my best friend needs to look perfect for her lover boy, naturally I have to deliver,” she smiled as she got out from the hug quick enough to dodge the hit on the arm from Sakura. Even though Ino was incredibly rich, fashionable and popular, she was down to earth, with wit and intellect to counter her good [s]lucks[/s] looks and other people ruthlessly stereotyping her. This sentence is a bit long, maybe you should split it in half. She always made time for Sakura, even though people accosted her with vies for attention all the time, because they had been friends since birth.

Your writing is pretty good, a few errors you need to fix there. I think the story has been done before you, so it really needs some original twist later on to make it stand apart from all the other thousands of Sasuke/Sakura fics out there.

So good luck with that =] x

Sakura stared into the mirror of the changing room cubicle that she had incapacitated herself into. For the last hour, she had been frantically trying on every dress in the entire store.

Like the critique above, i also say that you cannot put the word incapacitated into that sentence, it does not make sense.=

It, no I’ve got to be perfect!' this had been Sakura Haruno's new mantra ever since he had asked her to be his girlfriend and prom date. He, Uchiha Sasuke, was the most popular, sexy, intelligent, and cool and most worshiped boy that had ever graced the school premises.

I see Sakura's dream has finally come true.

“Well when my best friend needs to look perfect for her lover boy, naturally I have to deliver” she smiled as she got out the hug quick enough to dodge the hit on the arm from Sakura. Even though Ino was incredibly rich, fashionable and popular, she was down to earth, with wit and intellect to counter her good lucks and other people ruthlessly stereotyping her.

Its extremely strange for Ino to let Sakura go on a date with Sasuke, almost impossible.

You work seem good but its been done a hundred odd times before. This piece gets its originality with the fact that Ino actually let Sakura go on a date with Sasuke though.

This was a very interesting part to read. You capture Sakura's obsession with Sasuke's opinion of her well. However, I didn't really see anything about this plot that made it uniquely yours. Fanfictions should have a defining element that makes them yours. I do realize that this may be jumping the gun, since it is part one of seven, however it was hit me first while reading. The second item was your word choice. Some of the words don't make sense in the way you use them or are missing. Likewise, some of the adjectives fall flat. Use words that capture your readers mind.

For a start to a fanfiction, it's well written and I hope that the other pieces are equally as well done. Happy writing!

Sakura stared into the mirror of the changing room cubicle that she had incapacitated herself into. For the last hour, she had been frantically trying on every dress in the entire store.

For starters, change "incapacitated herself into" to something else. It makes no sense in the way you are currently using it. Try something like "disappeared into" or something to that effect. It's clearer, it makes more sense, and it looks better. Good try, though.

'I have to look perfect. I can’t disappoint him by looking shabby. It, no I’ve got to be perfect!' this had been Sakura Haruno's new mantra ever since he had asked her to be his girlfriend and prom date. He, Uchiha Sasuke, was the most popular, sexy, intelligent, and cool and most worshiped boy that had ever graced the school premises. He even had three squadrons of dumb, drooling fan girls, aptly named Sasuke Fan Girl Squadrons one, two and three for God’s sake! And out of all the girls in the school that he could have chosen, he chose her. Sasuke.

Quotation marks are ("), not ('), which is an apostrophe. But it's an easy mistake to make.

Also, you have a couple of run-on sentences, quotation errors, and excessive words (and, in particular). I have underlined those specific areas for you.

The last word threw me off. Shouldn't it be "Sakura", instead of "Sasuke"? lol

His name made her shiver with excitement. The most plain, imperfect, geeky, dorky, ever-so-slightly mad girl was chosen by the heart throb God of the school. She was giddy, almost bouncing off the walls.

I couldn't find much wrong with this paragraph. Great job.

'This is the one!' It was a dark shade of pink to compliment her hair; a strapless 50’s affair, with not too much cleavage peeping through the corset top half, and plenty of knee length under skirting to accentuate her small waist. She knew that she would look like a princess if she had her hair done, and had some matching shoes on, not the scruffy purple converse that she currently bore on her feet. It was certain that he would approve of this, she nodded at the half made up princess in the mirror.

Have you ever been on a real date? If not, you have no idea how it feels. If you want, I can help you clarify these emotions Sakura is feeling right now. For one, she wouldn't be so downright sure of herself or giddy. lol

The curtain of the changing room was roughly drawn back, and bright blue eyes shined with approval. “Fore head! I see you’ve found the perfect dress. Now lets find some matching shoes!” a smile creased its way on to her face, as she picked up the redundant pile of dresses to return them to the rack. Sakura blushed “All thanks to you, Ino-pig! You are so much better at choosing clothes than me” she gave her a flying hug, nearly knocking them both to the floor.

Some quotation errors, again, also marked by underlines. After the quote, you could make a new paragraph. That way, it won't seem like a digression. You could also make a new paragraph when Sakura answers.

[quote]“Well when my best friend needs to look perfect for her lover boy, naturally I have to deliver” she smiled as she got out the hug quick enough to dodge the hit on the arm from Sakura. Even though Ino was incredibly rich, fashionable and popular, she was down to earth, with wit and intellect to counter her good lucks and other people ruthlessly stereotyping her. She always made time for Sakura, even though people accosted her with vies for attention all the time, because they had been friends since birth.[/quote]

Once more, the quotation and grammar errors are underlined. Where did the "hit on the arm" come from? That seems to have appeared out of nowhere and is completely out of place.

It may just be me, but shouldn't "lucks" be turned to "looks"? The "other people ruthlessly stereotyping her" could be shortened, which might help the sentence to look cleaner. Simple solution: shorten it to plain-and-simple "ruthless stereotyping."

The last sentence is a little long, and almost having a run-on appearance and sound. Maybe you could shorten it, break it into separate parts?



Overall, this a wonderful piece. I personally know how hard it is to write a fanfic, much less one about a cartoon. Can you believe that I've started my own fanfic over five times already, and I'm not satisfied yet?

I'll be looking for more posts.

Hey, there! Naruto fanfics...my specialty...muahaha

Anyway, I shall crit as I go:

Sakura stared into the mirror of the changing room cubicle that she had incapacitated herself into.

Incapacitated herself? That just doesn't make sense...to be come incapacitated is to be prevented from functioning correctly, like losing a limb for example. I think you need another word. XD

It, no I’ve got to be perfect!'

I believe "It" is a typo, right?

he had asked her to be his girlfriend and prom date.

I don't believe there are "proms" in the Naruto universe. Try making some other sort of dance or festival.

He, Uchiha Sasuke, was the most popular, sexy, intelligent, and cool and most worshiped boy that had ever graced the school premises.

The plot thinnens...JK. Well, the plot does start to go downhill. I understand this is a fanfic, but try to make it reasonable, 'kay?

The most plain, imperfect, geeky, dorky, ever-so-slightly mad girl was chosen by the heart throb God of the school.

If this is from Sakura's point of view, she wouldn't call herself all those things. Try using less harsh words to describe herself. One of these could be "bill-board brow". And "God" in this case, since it is not referring to the Deity, should be lower-case.

'This is the one!' It was a dark shade of pink to compliment her hair; a strapless 50’s affair, with not too much cleavage peeping through the corset top half, and plenty of knee length under skirting to accentuate her small waist.

Correction: "This is the one!" If Sakura is saying this out loud, it should be dialog quotes.
And 50s? You mean 1950s? Um, earth-to-you, they don't know what the 1950s are! Just describe it in a way that would be connected with the Naruto realm. Like just saying "old style".

not the scruffy purple converse that she currently bore on her feet.

Since when were there Converse shoes in Naruto? They wear zori, those sandal-type shoes. And usually, they always wear them--the ninja anyway. You could go for more of a Tsunade/Shizune-type shoe, though.

“Fore head! I see you’ve found the perfect dress. Now lets find some matching shoes!” a smile creased its way on to her face, as she picked up the redundant pile of dresses to return them to the rack.

THis quotes started out good, but I think at this point, Ino would just be depressed like heck. I mean, she's No. 2 Sasuke-fan! She would be sitting at home drowning in her misery that Sasuke asked Sakura out! I mean, really?!
Not helping Sakura to find a dress for the date...

Sakura blushed “All thanks to you, Ino-pig! You are so much better at choosing clothes than me” she gave her a flying hug, nearly knocking them both to the floor.

Comma after 'blushed' and 'me'. Anyway, Sakura would never admit this.

“Well, when my best friend needs to look perfect for her lover boy, naturally I have to deliver,” she smiled as she got out the hug quick enough to dodge the hit on the arm from Sakura.

[See bolded corrections]
Anyway, this is out-of-character. Ino would never, and I mean never, say anything like this at this point. Sakura+Sasuke=Very Depressed Ino.

even though Ino was incredibly rich, fashionable and popular

Really? How do you get from owning a flower shop that Ino is "incredibly rich"? Point: No one in Konoha is really "incredibly" rich, especially ninja (well the Hokage gets a whole bunch of stuff). Konoha ninja are (mostly) humble, meaning they don't own a lot.

She always made time for Sakura, even though people accosted her with vies for attention all the time, because they had been friends since birth.

Point: There is a huge rivalry between Sakura and Ino. After they both found out they liked Sasuke, they basically only chided each other and such. So that first sentence isn't true. Neither is the second. They became friends after what happened in the flashbacks of their Third Exam Preliminary battle. I suggest watching that again.
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Overall, the plot seems weak. Sasuke would not ask Sakura out. Their relationship is a bit different than love. Of course, Sakura loves Sasuke, but that love is not returned. You also characterized Sakura, Ino, and Sasuke *very* badly. [See critique above.] Most of those things, they would never say or do. You also need to be in the "Naruto world" when you write this. No mentions to our pop culture or eras. Nope. Just focus on what would happen in the Naruto world. Part of writing a successful fanfic is making it all believable in their universe, meaning that it would fit into continuity and the characters would act similarly if Kishimoto or the filler people at the animation studios wrote them. Keep that in mind. However, you descriptions of the surroundings and such have promise. If you have any questions, PM me.

Keep writing,
~Timea

As someone before me pointed out, this idea of Sakura getting asked out by Sasuke has been done to death. As you are not adding anything truly original to it (your poor characterization of Ino does not count), you should seriously consider whether you want to write this at all.

^^ the wonderful people above have caught everything, I suppose all i can do is praise your work. I like the storyline so far. I usually dont' read fanfic bu, gosh I'm just craving Naruto seriously bad. ^^ Really, really good. ^^