Young Writers Society

(This story begins after Ariel saves Prince Eric from the ship wreck. She is in her room in the palace in Atlantica. P.S. there's a lot of dialogue and it's not that good so don't be too harsh. Also, there's not much explanation for a reason. I've intended it to be more of a story that makes the reader develop their own conclusion of what's going on. ... Copyright by Disney)

FLOUNDER

"Oh Flounder, you should have seen him. He was so handsome!" Ariel cooed. "And his feet! They were so..."

"Feet-like?" Flounder asked, bored.

"Yes! Exactly!" Ariel smiled, looking out of her jewel-lined window and resting her head on her hands.

Flounder swam over to a sponge chair and plopped down. He played through the last few days in his head. All he could remember was the dreamy-eyed mermaid looking out of her window and talking about how wonderful Eric was. Why was Ariel so obsessed? He wondered about this quite frequently these days, silently resenting the stupid human.

"Ariel?" He whined.

"Yes Flounder?" Ariel answered quietly.

"Let's go visit Scuttle. I heard he found a new human thing!" Flounder perked up when he saw Ariel moving. But rolled his eyes with annoyance when she didn't turn to look at him.

Ariel continued gazing out of the window. "Maybe later."

"C'mon Ariel! I heard it looks sort of like a giant, floating sponge!" Flounder exclaimed.

"No Flounder!" Ariel turned to him, frustrated. "I said maybe later!"

Flounder was startled. Ariel never talked like that. Especially to her supposed "best friend". He quickly swam out of the room, deeply irritated by the mermaid's behavior. Since she had rescued that human all she had done was go on and on about how great he was. He was getting sick and tired of Ariel's constant obsessing.

"Huh!" Flounder huffed.

He stared at his upper lip for a while, which made mocking Ariel easier. He could make faces and not have to pucker up his lips. But as he rounded the corner he collided with something hard and slimy. He looked up to see King Triton towering over him.

Flounder gasped. "I'm sorry your majesty! Please forgive my clumsiness! I really didn't mean-"

"That's quite alright, Flounder." King Triton interrupted. "Do you happen to know where Ariel is?"

Flounder looked at him uneasily. "She's in her room. Why?"

"No reason." King Triton looked down at Flounder curiously. "What's the matter, Flounder?"

Flounder hesitated. "It's nothing your majesty."

"Alright." King Triton sighed, not wanting to investigate. He was too tired. "Swim along."

Flounder nodded and swam towards the door, wondering why this human was so important to his best friend.

* * *

ARIEL

Ariel sat on a plush sponge and gazed out of her window. The room was silent and Ariel guessed that Flounder left. But she was too happy to feel mad at him for abandoning her.

The night that the ship wrecked seemed ages ago and all she wanted to do was find him. For some odd reason, she seemed magnetized to the Prince; always wanting to be right next to him. She noticed how much she talked about him, and how annoyed Flounder had become, but she couldn't help it.

"Oh, Eric," She murmured as she thought about him and cast her eyes downward.

Suddenly, a blast of bubbles blew in her face and she looked up to see Rowdy, her seahorse, charge up to her window, clearly spooked by something. She grabbed the seaweed rope connected to his halter and tugged him closer. Reaching across his face to cut the rope, she noticed a note. She ripped the dangling note off of the rope and held it gently in her hand, examining it carefully. But before she had a chance to read the note, she noticed that Rowdy's rope had been roughly cut. She picked at the frayed seaweed with her neatly manicured nails.

"Hmm." She breathed and studied the rope before tying him to the rail outside of her window.

Ariel unraveled the delicate seaweed paper.


Ariel,
I've heard you're in love.
Come to me tomorrow if you
want to be with your prince
forever. Meet me behind the
black kelp forest. Can't wait
to see you, Darling!



Ariel's eyes widened. Who was this and why would they wish to help her? But the promise of an adventure outside the walls of the palace made her heart race. So she swiftly swam to her pink and green polka-dot sponge bed and pulled a golden key from inside of one of the holes. It was the skeleton key for all of Atlantica, and now was her chance to try it out.

alicat159 wrote:(This story begins after Ariel saves Prince Eric from the ship wreck. She is in her room in the palace in Atlantica. P.S. there's a lot of dialogue and it's not that good so don't be too harsh. Also, there's not much explanation for a reason. I've intended it to be more of a story that makes the reader develop their own conclusion of what's going on.)

FLOUNDER

"Oh Flounder, you should have seen him. He was so handsome!" Ariel cooed. "And his feet! They were so..."

"Feet-like?" Flounder asked, bored.

"Yes! Exactly!" Ariel smiled, looking out of her jewel-lined window and resting her head on her hands.

Flounder swam over to a sponge chair and plopped down. Can fish sit?He played through the last few days in his head. All he could remember was the dreamy-eyed mermaid looking out of her window, [s]daydreaming,[/s]If she's dreamy-eyed, it's a little repetitive to say she's daydreaming and talking about how wonderful Eric was.

"Ariel?" He whined.

"Yes Flounder?" Ariel answered, Slowly? Quietly? Both? How does she sound in her dream almost as if she was in a dream.

"Let's go visit Scuttle. I heard he found a new human thing!" Flounder looked at Ariel with annoyance when she didn't turn to look at him. Kind of rushed. Maybe he's hopeful at first, perking up a bit, then she doesn't turn around and he gets annoyed then.

Ariel continued gazing out of the window. "Maybe later."

"C'mon Ariel! I heard it looks sort of like a giant, floating sponge!" Flounder [s]said.[/s]Not quite the right word. Maybe insisted or begged or something like that.

"No Flounder!" Ariel turned to him, frustrated. "I said maybe later!"

Flounder quickly swam out of the room, deeply irritated by Ariel's behavior. Since she had rescued that human all she had done was go on and on about how wonderful he was. He was getting sick and tired of Ariel's constant obsessing.

"Huh!" Flounder huffed.

He was too deep in thought to notice the King floating towards him and as Flounder turned the corner he collided with him. If the king was around the corner, Flounder wouldn't have seen him either way. Maybe try rephrasing.

Flounder gasped. "I'm sorry your majesty!" Remember, this is the king he just bumped into, he should be spewing out apologies until the king says he's forgiven.

King Triton jumped a little but remained calm. "That's quite alright Flounder. Do you happen to know where Ariel is?"

Flounder sighed. "She's in her room. Why?"

"No reason." King Triton looked down at Flounder curiously. "What's the matter, Flounder?"

Flounder hesitated. "It's nothing your majesty."

"Alright." King Triton sighed, too tired to try to investigate. Why is too tired to investigate? "Take care." Maybe it's just a personal thing, but that sounds too human-ish for a merman to say. Maybe "Swim safely" or something.

Flounder nodded and swam towards the door, wondering why this human was so important to his best friend.

* * *

ARIEL

Ariel sat on a plush sponge and gazed out of her window. The room was silent and Ariel guessed that Flounder left. But she was too happy to feel mad at him for abandoning her. [s]Without saying goodbye too![/s]If she's not mad then this sentence is pointless.

"Oh, Eric." She murmured as she thought about his handsome face and his wonderful abs.

Just as she was imagining his soft lipsGet a little more detailed here. What is she imagining about his lips? The way the look? The way they would look brushing against hers? We readers want to know. a blast of bubbles blew in her face and she looked up to see Rowdy, her sea horse, charge up with a message tied around his neck. She grabbed the seaweed rope connected to his halter and reached across his face to cut the string around his neck that held the message in place. Run-on sentence. This could easily be shortened. Maybe, "She grabbed the seaweed rope on his halter, and reached out to cut the string tied around his neck that held the message." Before she read the note, she noticed that Rowdy's rope had been roughly cut. She picked at the frayed seaweed with her neatly manicured nails.

"Hum." I think this is meant to be Hmm, not Hum She breathed and studied the rope before tying him to the rail outside of her window.


Ariel opened the seaweed paper note.


Princess Ariel,
I've heard you're in love.
Come to my house if you
want to be with your prince
forever. I live behind the
black kelp forest. Can't wait
to see you, Darling!
Love,
Ursula
I think it's a little bold for her to put her real name on the paper, and she shouldn't really live behind the black kelp forest, maybe that's just where she told Ariel to meet her. After all, Ariel might not know who Ursala is, but any other merperson would surely have heard of her.


Ariel smiled, imagining the kind of fun they could have once they could be together. Yes, she knew they would have a lot of fun. Maybe it's just a teenage mind and that's not how you meant it, but this doesn't really sound right. Maybe change the word fun to something else.

Ariel swiftly swam to her pink and green polka-dot sponge bed and pulled a gold key from inside of once of the holes. It was the skeleton key for all of Atlantica and now was her chance to try it out.

Okay, the line-by-line critique is done, so now it's time to tear this story to pieces! No, I'm just kidding, I wouldn't really do that. Now, I like the idea behind this writing, though I'm not really sure at this point how different this is from the real Little Mermaid. However, this is just the beginning, so that should be made clear later, not now. The writing, especially the dialog, is a little choppy. A few transition words here and there would help it flow better. You seem to very from too much info to not enough info, try to find a balance somewhere in the middle, we want to know what's going on, but we don't want to be bombarded with details.

Other than that, this is a good solid start. Don't get mad at me if I sounded harsh; it will do better for the story if I critique you as a stranger, and not a best friend. It's a really good start and I just want to make sure it gets as good as it can be.

Thanks, I'll edit it ASAP. I wrote this one day when I was beyond bored, so it's definatily not great. Also, I loved the line by line critique. (I agree with everything now that you point it out. I didn't really care about stuff like that when I wrote it, so thanks)


Alicat159

Just dropping by to let you know that I got your message in my critique board, but I do not review fanfiction. Don't worry, I won't get points for this. It's too short to count as a review.

Hey there,

I don't really know the story of The Little Mermaid so bare with me.

First off, I think this works really well if it is aimed at a younger audience. Perhaps 7-10 year olds?

A couple of things:

That's quite alright Flounder." King Triton interupted.

I think the full stop after 'Flounder' should be a comma. Also, 'interupted' should be 'interrupted'.

Flounder sighed. "She's in her room. Why?"

"No reason." King Triton looked down at Flounder curiously. "What's the matter, Flounder?"

Flounder hesitated. "It's nothing your majesty."

"Alright." King Triton sighed, not wanting to investigate.

The repetition of 'sighed' is nothing but repetitive if you know what I mean. It simply doesn't work and I think you need to use a different adjective in its place and explore more words for the piece as a whole.

But she was too happy to feel mad at him for abandoning her.

This sentence just doesn't really work. The but at the beginning slows it down and the word 'abandoning' doesn't really fit as she's happy to stare out her window and she barely notices that Flounder has left.

She reached across his face to cut the string around his neck that held the message in place.

Too much 'she + verb'. Re-arrange this sentence to make it slightly different from the rest in the paragraph. Perhaps have the verb or adjective at the beginning instead.

Oh, Eric."

Comma instead of full stop.

Ariel,
I've heard you're in love.
Meet me tomorrow if
want to be with your prince
forever. Meet me behind the
black kelp forest. Can't wait
to see you, Darling!

This should all be in italics. There is also a word missing after 'if' in the second sentence. It needs a bit of fixing up in general.

Overall

A lot more characterisation is needed. Ariel should wonder who the note is from and feel a bit scared rather than instantly excited. You should also break up the dialog at the beginning of the piece with some simple description - remember the five senses.

Not a bad start at all - very good if the audience is that of 7-10 year olds. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful but I simply don't know the storyline.

All the best,

Alainna
xxx

Thanks! I'll be sure to fix that!